Dane and Smithy Kill Humbaba [Extravaganza 2020, Rated M]
Feb 18, 2020 4:18:33 GMT
Post by Dtmahanen on Feb 18, 2020 4:18:33 GMT
Heyyo, Canalave! This here's a fun one. This is an adaptation of MintyElectronica's prompt about a historical AU! But, because it's me, it's actually mythological.
And also because it's me, it's starring Dane and Smithy from Let's F&#$ The Sun. Please enjoy...
And also because it's me, it's starring Dane and Smithy from Let's F&#$ The Sun. Please enjoy...
Dane and Smithy Kill Humbaba
“Oh gods dammit, what do you fucking WANT?!”
Dane just wants a break. He’s perfectly content sitting in his designated lounge area in the Uruk palace petting his quilava, Reaper. There isn’t anything on his schedule, nothing he has to do, just like the old days. Hell, he’s even considering taking a walk with Shamhat, that one girl he’d started taking a liking to.
And then Smithy has to show up, grinning ear-to-ear.
“Aw, is that any way to say hi to your bestest buddy, my dear darling Dane?” he exclaims, wrapping an arm around me in a tight side hug. “And here I’d thought you’d be happy to see me!”
“What. Do you. Want. Smithy?” I growl.
“Not buyin’ it, huh?” Smithy shrugs. “Eh, whatever, least I tried.” He spins me around to face him. “SO! I’ve got a proposition for you. Trust me, you’re gonna love it.”
“Oh joy, whatever could it possibly be?”
“I’m gonna go kill Humbaba, and you’re gonna kill him with me.”
Wait. Back up.
WHAT THE ACTUAL FUCK?!
“You’re … you’re kidding me, right?” Dane stammers. “Like, you’re not joshing me here?” Smithy’s smile grows even bigger. “Oh, fuck me sideways, you’re not.” He tries to wrestle his way out of Smithy’s grip, knowing full well that it won’t happen. The guy is two-thirds god, it’s like trying to kill a river. “Dude, you know I can’t do that.”
“Oh, come on man, live a little! Besides, what do you really have goin’ on here that would get in the way of a little journey?” Dane is about to answer any number of things, but somehow Smithy reads his fucking mind. “Aw don’t give me that Shamhat excuse, she’ll be there when we get back! And besides, wouldn’t you wanna tell her that you took down a badass monster with the mother of all badasses?”
“I already took on a fucking monster!” Dane exclaims. “And it took a fucking week! I’m still recovering from when you tricked me into wrestling with you.”
“And look what that got ya! A new best friend!” Smithy wraps his arm around Dane again.
Dane looks at Reaper. The quilava shakes his head. Nothing more needs to be said.
“Ugh, whatdidIdotodeservethis fine. FINE! Fine.” He shrugs Smithy off of him again and starts putting on his sandals, still caked in mud from their week-long bout. “But after this, I’m taking a fucking break, you understand?”
“Of course, of course!” Smithy says, tossing his garish purple cloak around like a ballerina doing a pirouette. “Get your supplies, get a bedroll, and let’s get going!”
And once again, Dane is alone in his room again. Just him, Reaper, and a ransacked room.
Why couldn’t Shamhat have just left me in the woods? I’m not even supposed to be here.
“Can we fucking stop, please? We’ve been at this for fucking days!”
“No rest for the weary, Dane m’boy! We march onward!”
In the very brief time that Dane has spent in Uruk, he’s learned a few things. One of the more interesting things is geography, and in particular, distance. So, he knows how long a league is. It’s about three-and-a-half miles, give or take a few hundred feet or so.
The three of them have been walking fifty leagues a day for three days.
Three. Fucking. Days.
“I mean, I don’t know how you’re not fucking weary at this point,” Dane laments. “Don’t your feet hurt, like, at all?” He gestures to Reaper, who’s waddling on his hind legs at the moment. “Hell, even Reaper’s paws are getting sore. REAPER!! And he’s a fucking tank! How are you still trucking along like this isn’t even a fucking bother?”
“I had a dream last night –”
“Oh gods dammit, again?!” He’s had that same dream the past three nights, and every single time, he’s insisted it’s a good omen, he swears. “I gave you one – fucking, ONE – indication that your dream might’ve been something other than bad, and you think that’s an excuse for us to walk for miles at a fucking time, not stopping except to eat and sleep? Well let me tell ya, friend, if you think that I’m not gonna complain about it, then –”
Because Dane is not looking ahead of him during his rant, he doesn’t realize he’s about to hit a giant cedar tree until he smacks into it face-first.
Reaper runs up to Dane and, in an uncharacteristic act of kindness, begins licking the spot on his forehead where he cracked it against the tree. The warm, sandpaper-like tongue is surprisingly soothing to the touch, and he begins to feel better pretty quickly.
“What’d I tell ya?” Smithy says as he shakes Dane’s shoulders vigorously. “What’d I fucking tell ya?! It was a good sign, alright!” He grabs the sides of Dane’s head and swivels it back and forth. “Forest of Cedars, my guy. Just like I said it would be.”
“Yeah, it’s, uh … pretty big.”
And that’s a bit of an understatement. Hundreds of thousands of square feet of hundred-plus foot tall cedar trees are spread out before his eyes, blocking the sun with their grandiose canopies. He can hear the warbling of different birds and other pokémon going about their days in the woods.
And his heart sinks. They have to go in there, find a monster, and kill it. How the hell is this gonna work?
“So, do you have any idea what this thing looks like?” Dane asks. “I’m a tracker, give me something to go on.”
“No idea.” Smithy breaks out into raucous laughter when he sees the incredulous look on Dane’s face. “It’s a shapeshifter, dude!” he continues, still giggling. “Master of illusions, remember? We’re gonna need to search for a while.”
Dane is legit about to smack Smithy, when all of a sudden –
“Who dares enter my woods!” they hear a voice shout. “Who dares defile the land of Humbaba so recklessly, so foolishly throwing your lives away, all in the name of finding me? Well, come then! Face me, if you are not as cowardly as a wimpod! I await you in the forest center!”
The two men stare at each other. They stare at Reaper for a moment, who returns their gaze. They stare at each other again.
“Alright, lead the way,” Dane says.
“No, no, after you, good sir, I insist!” Smithy replies, gesturing for Dane to lead.
“I mean, you’re the one who wanted to be here in the first place –”
“Yeah, but how’re we supposed to find it without a tracker –”
“Y’know, I can just leave –”
“Come on, man, just point me in the direction –”
“You wanna do this, man, be my guest –”
“Dude, I’m gonna get lost without your help –”
“FINE!” Dane sighs, his shoulders slumping in defeat. “Fine. But let the record state that I didn’t wanna fucking be here, and I didn’t wanna fucking do this, but you made me, and we are gonna have a talk about our relationship after this is over, capiche?”
“Don’t worry, my dude, we got this!” Smithy exclaims. “Entre vu.”
With a heavy sigh, Dane enters the forest, with Smithy and Reaper nipping at his heels. The sounds of the rustling leaves and chattering pokémon hit his ears all at once, and for the first time in a while, he feels at home. Uruk is nice ‘n all, but he lived most of his life in the wild, so this brings with it a bit of nostalgia. He immediately gets to work finding any tracks that stand out from the rest.
And it doesn’t take him long.
After only about five minutes of searching, Dane comes across some weird-ass looking footprints. It’s not from any pokémon he’s seen before, either. Looks mammalian, three clawed toes, stands on its toes and the balls of its feet as it walks. “Think I found something,” he says, pointing to the tracks. “Don’t recognize it, so I’m guessing this is who you’re looking for.”
“Don’t you mean we, buddy?” Smithy replies, his mouth still in that same wise-ass grin.
“No, I mean you, because I don’t wanna be here. But, what the hell, we’re here, so I might as well fucking tag along.”
The tracks themselves move all over the place, but eventually the two of them come into a clearing in the woods.
And promptly come face to face with a giant blue and red wolf, its neck fur stiff and bristled like a natural shield. The two men look at each other, Smithy’s face radiating excitement, Dane’s contorted into a weird mixture of worry, shock, and confusion.
“So, you are the three trespassers into my domain,” the entity growls. “Before you are killed, I am interested in knowing the reason why you have chosen death as your destiny.”
“Yo, waddup,” Smithy quips. “Name’s Smithy. This is Dane and his pal Reaper. We’re here to murderize ya.” And before Dane has any time to protest, Smithy starts running at the beast, screaming bloody murder at the top of his lungs.
“Will you wait for two seconds, you idiot?!” Dane yells. “You have no idea what that thing can do!” Smithy pays him no mind, though, and tries to grab Humbaba into a chokehold. However, as soon as his arms wrap around the figure’s neck, Smithy jumps away in pain as his arm sears from a nasty-looking burn. The entity’s wolf-like form shifts into a large, turtle-like form with molten magma flowing from its shell.
“You’ll have to do much better than that to best me, fool,” Humbaba rumbles as it unleashes a jet of flame from its mouth. Smithy is able to leap out of the way before it burns him, but he’s really looking at that arm.
“Uh, uh, Dane, do something, man!” Smithy shouts.
“OhmyfuckinggodswhythefuckamIhere Reaper, could you, like, Ember him or something?” Dane mutters. Reaper, who has clearly been itching for some action, launches his own jet of fire at Humbaba, but it’s able to dodge out of the way with relative ease.
Because it starts flying.
It form changes once again, this time to a weird, humanoid-like creature with mud-brown skin and a thick, octopus-like tail. It flies far above their heads, cackling devilishly. “You poor, simple fools! How easy it would be for me to end you now, but I’m having far too much fun for me to stop now!”
Dane looks over to shrug at Smithy, but he’s staring at his arm again. And now Dane can see why.
His burn is gone.
“Dude, this guy’s just an illusionist!” Smithy exclaims. “He’s fucking messing with us!”
“No shit?” Dane mumbles. He turns to Reaper. “Hey, you know that Eruption thing you showed me a week back? Why not give that a try, knock that pissant out of the sky?”
Dane doesn’t need to tell Reaper twice. The quills on his head erupt in flames as he launches a cavalcade of fire and rock from his mouth. The clearing is blanketed with flame, and although Dane and Smithy are able to get cover behind some trees, it’s pretty obvious that Humbaba was not able to do the same. As the dust settles, Dane and Smithy approach the entity.
Humbaba is a helluva lot smaller than they’d anticipated, and not really as … well, awesome-looking. It sorta looks like a black fox with a blazing red mane. Dane notices the feet. Three clawed toes. This is their guy.
“Shoulda guessed it’d be a zoroark,” Dane remarks. “Never seen one before, but I heard from my buddies in the woods that they’re tricky pieces of work. So,” he continues, patting Smithy on the shoulder with a snide smile on his face, “you still wanna murderize ‘im?”
“No, please, let’s not.” The zoroark turns to the two of them and coughs. “I was just having a little fun, that’s all, didn’t mean to scare the man-folk. Could we just, maybe, call this a win for you, and you head home, and I won’t bother anyone anymore?”
In the couple of weeks that Dane has known Smithy Gilgamesh, he has never seen the man look so utterly deflated. It brings him no small amount of joy to witness. “Man, and here I thought this’d be fun,” Smithy mumbles. “It’s not fuckin’ worth it. I’m heading home.” He starts wandering back the way he came.
The zoroark turns to me. “For what it’s worth, Dane –”
“Name’s Enkidu, actually,” I interject, “Smithy just calls me Dane. Gods only know why.”
“– well, whatever your actual name is,” Humbaba continues, “your friend Reaper scares me.”
“Yeah, dude’s a beast.”
“I will not bother your people anymore. Return to the land whence you came, and tell them that the great Humbaba will trouble them no more.” He slowly gets to his feet. “I think I’m going to sleep for a few days. That really hurt. Ow.” He begins slinking off further into the cedar forest.
And Dane, satisfied, turns around to follow Smithy back to Uruk.
“Oh gods dammit, what do you fucking WANT?!”
Dane just wants a break. He’s perfectly content sitting in his designated lounge area in the Uruk palace petting his quilava, Reaper. There isn’t anything on his schedule, nothing he has to do, just like the old days. Hell, he’s even considering taking a walk with Shamhat, that one girl he’d started taking a liking to.
And then Smithy has to show up, grinning ear-to-ear.
“Aw, is that any way to say hi to your bestest buddy, my dear darling Dane?” he exclaims, wrapping an arm around me in a tight side hug. “And here I’d thought you’d be happy to see me!”
“What. Do you. Want. Smithy?” I growl.
“Not buyin’ it, huh?” Smithy shrugs. “Eh, whatever, least I tried.” He spins me around to face him. “SO! I’ve got a proposition for you. Trust me, you’re gonna love it.”
“Oh joy, whatever could it possibly be?”
“I’m gonna go kill Humbaba, and you’re gonna kill him with me.”
Wait. Back up.
WHAT THE ACTUAL FUCK?!
“You’re … you’re kidding me, right?” Dane stammers. “Like, you’re not joshing me here?” Smithy’s smile grows even bigger. “Oh, fuck me sideways, you’re not.” He tries to wrestle his way out of Smithy’s grip, knowing full well that it won’t happen. The guy is two-thirds god, it’s like trying to kill a river. “Dude, you know I can’t do that.”
“Oh, come on man, live a little! Besides, what do you really have goin’ on here that would get in the way of a little journey?” Dane is about to answer any number of things, but somehow Smithy reads his fucking mind. “Aw don’t give me that Shamhat excuse, she’ll be there when we get back! And besides, wouldn’t you wanna tell her that you took down a badass monster with the mother of all badasses?”
“I already took on a fucking monster!” Dane exclaims. “And it took a fucking week! I’m still recovering from when you tricked me into wrestling with you.”
“And look what that got ya! A new best friend!” Smithy wraps his arm around Dane again.
Dane looks at Reaper. The quilava shakes his head. Nothing more needs to be said.
“Ugh, whatdidIdotodeservethis fine. FINE! Fine.” He shrugs Smithy off of him again and starts putting on his sandals, still caked in mud from their week-long bout. “But after this, I’m taking a fucking break, you understand?”
“Of course, of course!” Smithy says, tossing his garish purple cloak around like a ballerina doing a pirouette. “Get your supplies, get a bedroll, and let’s get going!”
And once again, Dane is alone in his room again. Just him, Reaper, and a ransacked room.
Why couldn’t Shamhat have just left me in the woods? I’m not even supposed to be here.
--------------------------------------------
“Can we fucking stop, please? We’ve been at this for fucking days!”
“No rest for the weary, Dane m’boy! We march onward!”
In the very brief time that Dane has spent in Uruk, he’s learned a few things. One of the more interesting things is geography, and in particular, distance. So, he knows how long a league is. It’s about three-and-a-half miles, give or take a few hundred feet or so.
The three of them have been walking fifty leagues a day for three days.
Three. Fucking. Days.
“I mean, I don’t know how you’re not fucking weary at this point,” Dane laments. “Don’t your feet hurt, like, at all?” He gestures to Reaper, who’s waddling on his hind legs at the moment. “Hell, even Reaper’s paws are getting sore. REAPER!! And he’s a fucking tank! How are you still trucking along like this isn’t even a fucking bother?”
“I had a dream last night –”
“Oh gods dammit, again?!” He’s had that same dream the past three nights, and every single time, he’s insisted it’s a good omen, he swears. “I gave you one – fucking, ONE – indication that your dream might’ve been something other than bad, and you think that’s an excuse for us to walk for miles at a fucking time, not stopping except to eat and sleep? Well let me tell ya, friend, if you think that I’m not gonna complain about it, then –”
Because Dane is not looking ahead of him during his rant, he doesn’t realize he’s about to hit a giant cedar tree until he smacks into it face-first.
Reaper runs up to Dane and, in an uncharacteristic act of kindness, begins licking the spot on his forehead where he cracked it against the tree. The warm, sandpaper-like tongue is surprisingly soothing to the touch, and he begins to feel better pretty quickly.
“What’d I tell ya?” Smithy says as he shakes Dane’s shoulders vigorously. “What’d I fucking tell ya?! It was a good sign, alright!” He grabs the sides of Dane’s head and swivels it back and forth. “Forest of Cedars, my guy. Just like I said it would be.”
“Yeah, it’s, uh … pretty big.”
And that’s a bit of an understatement. Hundreds of thousands of square feet of hundred-plus foot tall cedar trees are spread out before his eyes, blocking the sun with their grandiose canopies. He can hear the warbling of different birds and other pokémon going about their days in the woods.
And his heart sinks. They have to go in there, find a monster, and kill it. How the hell is this gonna work?
“So, do you have any idea what this thing looks like?” Dane asks. “I’m a tracker, give me something to go on.”
“No idea.” Smithy breaks out into raucous laughter when he sees the incredulous look on Dane’s face. “It’s a shapeshifter, dude!” he continues, still giggling. “Master of illusions, remember? We’re gonna need to search for a while.”
Dane is legit about to smack Smithy, when all of a sudden –
“Who dares enter my woods!” they hear a voice shout. “Who dares defile the land of Humbaba so recklessly, so foolishly throwing your lives away, all in the name of finding me? Well, come then! Face me, if you are not as cowardly as a wimpod! I await you in the forest center!”
The two men stare at each other. They stare at Reaper for a moment, who returns their gaze. They stare at each other again.
“Alright, lead the way,” Dane says.
“No, no, after you, good sir, I insist!” Smithy replies, gesturing for Dane to lead.
“I mean, you’re the one who wanted to be here in the first place –”
“Yeah, but how’re we supposed to find it without a tracker –”
“Y’know, I can just leave –”
“Come on, man, just point me in the direction –”
“You wanna do this, man, be my guest –”
“Dude, I’m gonna get lost without your help –”
“FINE!” Dane sighs, his shoulders slumping in defeat. “Fine. But let the record state that I didn’t wanna fucking be here, and I didn’t wanna fucking do this, but you made me, and we are gonna have a talk about our relationship after this is over, capiche?”
“Don’t worry, my dude, we got this!” Smithy exclaims. “Entre vu.”
With a heavy sigh, Dane enters the forest, with Smithy and Reaper nipping at his heels. The sounds of the rustling leaves and chattering pokémon hit his ears all at once, and for the first time in a while, he feels at home. Uruk is nice ‘n all, but he lived most of his life in the wild, so this brings with it a bit of nostalgia. He immediately gets to work finding any tracks that stand out from the rest.
And it doesn’t take him long.
After only about five minutes of searching, Dane comes across some weird-ass looking footprints. It’s not from any pokémon he’s seen before, either. Looks mammalian, three clawed toes, stands on its toes and the balls of its feet as it walks. “Think I found something,” he says, pointing to the tracks. “Don’t recognize it, so I’m guessing this is who you’re looking for.”
“Don’t you mean we, buddy?” Smithy replies, his mouth still in that same wise-ass grin.
“No, I mean you, because I don’t wanna be here. But, what the hell, we’re here, so I might as well fucking tag along.”
The tracks themselves move all over the place, but eventually the two of them come into a clearing in the woods.
And promptly come face to face with a giant blue and red wolf, its neck fur stiff and bristled like a natural shield. The two men look at each other, Smithy’s face radiating excitement, Dane’s contorted into a weird mixture of worry, shock, and confusion.
“So, you are the three trespassers into my domain,” the entity growls. “Before you are killed, I am interested in knowing the reason why you have chosen death as your destiny.”
“Yo, waddup,” Smithy quips. “Name’s Smithy. This is Dane and his pal Reaper. We’re here to murderize ya.” And before Dane has any time to protest, Smithy starts running at the beast, screaming bloody murder at the top of his lungs.
“Will you wait for two seconds, you idiot?!” Dane yells. “You have no idea what that thing can do!” Smithy pays him no mind, though, and tries to grab Humbaba into a chokehold. However, as soon as his arms wrap around the figure’s neck, Smithy jumps away in pain as his arm sears from a nasty-looking burn. The entity’s wolf-like form shifts into a large, turtle-like form with molten magma flowing from its shell.
“You’ll have to do much better than that to best me, fool,” Humbaba rumbles as it unleashes a jet of flame from its mouth. Smithy is able to leap out of the way before it burns him, but he’s really looking at that arm.
“Uh, uh, Dane, do something, man!” Smithy shouts.
“OhmyfuckinggodswhythefuckamIhere Reaper, could you, like, Ember him or something?” Dane mutters. Reaper, who has clearly been itching for some action, launches his own jet of fire at Humbaba, but it’s able to dodge out of the way with relative ease.
Because it starts flying.
It form changes once again, this time to a weird, humanoid-like creature with mud-brown skin and a thick, octopus-like tail. It flies far above their heads, cackling devilishly. “You poor, simple fools! How easy it would be for me to end you now, but I’m having far too much fun for me to stop now!”
Dane looks over to shrug at Smithy, but he’s staring at his arm again. And now Dane can see why.
His burn is gone.
“Dude, this guy’s just an illusionist!” Smithy exclaims. “He’s fucking messing with us!”
“No shit?” Dane mumbles. He turns to Reaper. “Hey, you know that Eruption thing you showed me a week back? Why not give that a try, knock that pissant out of the sky?”
Dane doesn’t need to tell Reaper twice. The quills on his head erupt in flames as he launches a cavalcade of fire and rock from his mouth. The clearing is blanketed with flame, and although Dane and Smithy are able to get cover behind some trees, it’s pretty obvious that Humbaba was not able to do the same. As the dust settles, Dane and Smithy approach the entity.
Humbaba is a helluva lot smaller than they’d anticipated, and not really as … well, awesome-looking. It sorta looks like a black fox with a blazing red mane. Dane notices the feet. Three clawed toes. This is their guy.
“Shoulda guessed it’d be a zoroark,” Dane remarks. “Never seen one before, but I heard from my buddies in the woods that they’re tricky pieces of work. So,” he continues, patting Smithy on the shoulder with a snide smile on his face, “you still wanna murderize ‘im?”
“No, please, let’s not.” The zoroark turns to the two of them and coughs. “I was just having a little fun, that’s all, didn’t mean to scare the man-folk. Could we just, maybe, call this a win for you, and you head home, and I won’t bother anyone anymore?”
In the couple of weeks that Dane has known Smithy Gilgamesh, he has never seen the man look so utterly deflated. It brings him no small amount of joy to witness. “Man, and here I thought this’d be fun,” Smithy mumbles. “It’s not fuckin’ worth it. I’m heading home.” He starts wandering back the way he came.
The zoroark turns to me. “For what it’s worth, Dane –”
“Name’s Enkidu, actually,” I interject, “Smithy just calls me Dane. Gods only know why.”
“– well, whatever your actual name is,” Humbaba continues, “your friend Reaper scares me.”
“Yeah, dude’s a beast.”
“I will not bother your people anymore. Return to the land whence you came, and tell them that the great Humbaba will trouble them no more.” He slowly gets to his feet. “I think I’m going to sleep for a few days. That really hurt. Ow.” He begins slinking off further into the cedar forest.
And Dane, satisfied, turns around to follow Smithy back to Uruk.
Thank you for the gift~