After Plasma [one-shot collection]
Dec 6, 2019 23:06:58 GMT
Post by girl-like-substance on Dec 6, 2019 23:06:58 GMT
I saw you’d written this and that made me see I somehow missed ‘After Plasma’, despite the fact that it’s the title story in the collection! I’ll have to catch up on that one, but I clicked to read ‘Last Trip of the Day’, and for now, that’s what I’ll stick to. So, right out of the gate: I really liked this. It’s a great reimagining and expansion of what was already a good story; it hits the same beats as the original, but every one of them is more fleshed out and given a bit more room to breathe. Especially in terms of the detail of Al’s work and life.
The whole thing unfolds at a slower, more natural pace; Burgh is less quick to come to his final answer, and you get a glimpse of his initial reaction in that flash of anger. His encounters with Plasma have clearly left an impression – which, given what happened in Castelia and at the League, makes a whole lot of sense.
Moving to Al for a moment: it’s interesting how leaving Plasma has seen him shift from enemy to NPC, giving ‘scripted words of encouragement’ to gym challengers, and so on. He is a rote background element in people’s lives. Like, the comparison between NPCs and workers, the examination of what work does to us as humans such that it makes this comparison viable, has been written on by people smarter than me, but I’ll say it’s an appropriate discourse to reference as you’re going by here. I also think Al himself is more openly deeply marked by what he did in this version; I absolutely love the line about how, if the victims can’t get over it, he as the perpetrator is even more unable to get over it. Points back towards the central theme of the collection very nicely.
So, the two characters together: Al could never apologise to the abstract, to the victims in general, could he? It wouldn’t do anything for him, and it wouldn’t really mean much to anyone else, either, other than just as a general signifier of his penitence. He has to apologise to someone who was actually there, who was touched by what Plasma did in some way. Burgh, as the guy who defeated him, is well placed to accept that apology. He doesn’t offer forgiveness – he can’t do that, he’s not a victim – but he can accept the apology, and he does, and so maybe Al can start to forgive himself.
And you expand on the orange hair thing, which is cool! It becomes another link to Plasma, as I theorised it might be in my initial review. I like how Burgh figures it out in this version, comes at this problem by ducking under Al’s nervous, fearful guard against all enquiries into his past. Plus Accel and Escab continue to be a great joke, and Burt in the cup holder, oh my god, my heart melted, thank you for this premium trubbish content. <3
Finally: some little typos and things.
That should be past tense, so ‘could feel’.
Missing a full stop at the end there.
That closing quotation mark shouldn’t be there – this is narration, rather than dialogue.
Anyway, that’s all I’ve got. Really great work – I loved this!
The whole thing unfolds at a slower, more natural pace; Burgh is less quick to come to his final answer, and you get a glimpse of his initial reaction in that flash of anger. His encounters with Plasma have clearly left an impression – which, given what happened in Castelia and at the League, makes a whole lot of sense.
Moving to Al for a moment: it’s interesting how leaving Plasma has seen him shift from enemy to NPC, giving ‘scripted words of encouragement’ to gym challengers, and so on. He is a rote background element in people’s lives. Like, the comparison between NPCs and workers, the examination of what work does to us as humans such that it makes this comparison viable, has been written on by people smarter than me, but I’ll say it’s an appropriate discourse to reference as you’re going by here. I also think Al himself is more openly deeply marked by what he did in this version; I absolutely love the line about how, if the victims can’t get over it, he as the perpetrator is even more unable to get over it. Points back towards the central theme of the collection very nicely.
So, the two characters together: Al could never apologise to the abstract, to the victims in general, could he? It wouldn’t do anything for him, and it wouldn’t really mean much to anyone else, either, other than just as a general signifier of his penitence. He has to apologise to someone who was actually there, who was touched by what Plasma did in some way. Burgh, as the guy who defeated him, is well placed to accept that apology. He doesn’t offer forgiveness – he can’t do that, he’s not a victim – but he can accept the apology, and he does, and so maybe Al can start to forgive himself.
And you expand on the orange hair thing, which is cool! It becomes another link to Plasma, as I theorised it might be in my initial review. I like how Burgh figures it out in this version, comes at this problem by ducking under Al’s nervous, fearful guard against all enquiries into his past. Plus Accel and Escab continue to be a great joke, and Burt in the cup holder, oh my god, my heart melted, thank you for this premium trubbish content. <3
Finally: some little typos and things.
I heard Burt growl behind me, and I can feel him crawl on top of my head.
That should be past tense, so ‘could feel’.
But I did want to get home sooner than later
Missing a full stop at the end there.
and the cries of wild Pokémon outside.”
That closing quotation mark shouldn’t be there – this is narration, rather than dialogue.
Anyway, that’s all I’ve got. Really great work – I loved this!