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Post by Cavespider_17 on Dec 4, 2018 22:18:30 GMT
 {Summary}
The world is in chaos. Chaos spreads beyond control. Control is the only thing the "organisation" sought.
Now the disease has spread beyond control the organisation desperately seeks to cure those afflicted by creating clones of individuals from their opponents. These clones are tortured and tested and eventually discarded due to their high fail rate at being immune to the disease.
Experiment 9/B/47 is about to undergo one of these brutal tests, when it is discovered his monitor is broken allowing him to wake from his comatose state. When the facility is hit by a resistance attack he flees, only to discover how messed up the world outside of the facility really is. With no memory or knowledge of who he really is he must learn to survive and avoid being recaptured by the organisation no matter what the cost.
As he travels the harsh conditions of Zone 9 he meets the "Coloured Glory", a resistance group determined to bring down the Organisation and save Zone 9 from suffering anymore, before the end of the world.
{Warnings}
⌛ Fear and Trauma
⌛ Swears
⌛ Torture
⌛ Violence
⌚Basically its not pleasant. You have been warned.
UNKNOWN
I hear a gentle tapping on something, and my surroundings shaking and pulse.
Tap. Tap. Tap.
My lungs are filled rapidly with something which feels chipped and almost like it’s filled with something impure, and are pumped in and out once more. It feels like my air is being sucked from my lungs before being forcibly replaced by something much more artificial. I can hear something muffled. I attempt to open my eyes but they squeeze tighter, as if they are protecting me from something toxic and painful. I force them open for a moment. My eyes burn and I squeeze them tighter once more as I scream.
“What?” a voice says, muffled.
“What is it Misha?” a second, gruffer voice responds.
“I swear I just… saw it blink…” Misha says with suspicion in his tone.
“That’s impossible,” the second voice hisses back.
“Yeah, you are right Jakob,” Misha sighs, “It isn’t awake. None of these things are. I guess because its monitor is faulty… well I am seeing things. It has been a long night too.”
“Well, once we report this fault to Teodor we can go to dinner,” Jakob replies with a more cheerful voice. I then hear footsteps fade into the distance. Carefully I push my paws forward to see if I can feel my surroundings. They touch something curved and solid. I push hard on it, but nothing changes. The air in my lungs is forcibly being taken and replaced. I relax, as it appears the situation isn’t changing any time soon. I focus on remaining conscious and thinking about where I am. Who I am. Who are Misha and Jakob? Who is Teodor?
A whirring sound echoes through the area. The air supply is cut off.
My lungs feel like they are burning as I try to retain something. Nothing. It hits me at that instant and I cannot breathe. Desperately I squirm. I cannot do anything. I open my eyes and they sting horrendously once more, but I look around quickly assessing my surroundings.
The air is running out. I forcibly break the band wrapped around my face holding me in place. I close my stinging eyes. With all my might I slam into the curved glass. It doesn’t change. I start to panic.
My air is almost gone.
I have one last attempt here. It will take my last of my air. If I don’t try it I will definitely die here. I open my mouth and bite down on the glass. I keep trying to force my teeth into it. Nothing.
I am doomed.
Wait… a little more… maybe enough for one more chance.
I try one last time to crack the glass in the corner of the tank. I am sinking down. I can’t breathe. I hear a chink. A small chink. I keep going and digging my teeth into it. It cracks and the glass shatters. I pour out with the water. Freezing.
I quickly start to gasp for air, but before I can take in much I hear Misha and Jakob running down the corridor behind me. I start to flee, but stumble and fall flat on my face before I can walk far. I force myself back up and continue to struggle to run. I see a gap in the wall ahead.
With all my might I pull myself up and into it. Before I can stop myself I am sliding violently down a steep chute. I am thrown around as I descend down it rapidly and am rammed into the sides of it repeatedly. Eventually I see the end in sight, but there is a gate closing over it; it is going to be close.
I scrape and forcibly push myself forwards faster and faster towards the exit as I slide towards it. I feel dizzying levels of speed and the air around me is rushing past like I have never considered before… not that I have had much time to consider anything. I squeeze through the gap at the tunnel.
“Agh!” I scream in pain as my ear is caught by the gate and torn in part. I fall without the top half of my left ear into some disgusting-smelling water. However, I don’t care. My ear stings more now that it has gotten wet. I continue to stumble forwards along the dark tunnel, hoping to see light. My paws ache as I run through the liquid which I now deem to not be water.
I look down at my reflection with difficultly as I run beside a flickering little wall light, and my yellow eyes stare back at me with inquisitive purple irises. Is that who I am? Inquisitive? I think, as I look at my dark grey and orange fur, unsure as to what I am.
I tumble outside and slam into some sand. I dig my paws into the ground and force myself to stand and keep going. My muscles ache like I have never used them, but I cannot stop, I feel calmer than then, but I can’t stop.
Before I realise it I see three mons come into view from behind me. The floating one is a dark black, with deep red and blue eyes. Almost possessed. It fires a fire blast at me and I dive into a pipe.
“Damn it Misha! Can’t you aim straight for once!” the large handed mon shouts with Jakob’s voice.
“Jakob shut up. Just run! You can catch him!” Misha snaps back, and the Ambipom rushes ahead of the Lampent after me as I crawl down the narrow pipe. They are gaining on me fast, and I have made a stupid mistake! I hear them on top of the pipe and I quiver in fear as Jakob reaches in and pulls me out by the scruff of my neck.
“Wonderful work Jakob. I might not have you executed for your incompetence,” the sharp-voiced Cobalion smirks before looking at me, “Well, well, if it isn’t a little Torracat thinking himself to be able to leave the facility. How adorable is it? Oh…” he looks at my ear, “such as shame you are now damaged property,” he makes a tut sound, coldly. With his hoofed foot he pushes my chin up.
“What shall we do with him Teodor?” Misha snarls at me.
“Well he has now been exposed to the elements. He is damaged. No longer worth keeping alive. We can always get another test subject,” Teodor says, emotionlessly, “Misha, Jakob leave us.”
At his word they both turn and start to head back to the facility. “Teo, what shall we tell the boss?”
“I’ll deal with the boss, just go and tidy up your incompetence,” he snarls at Misha. “As for you, my, my,” he slices open my belly with his horn. I watch as blood and my insides start to drip out as he then thrusts me back up with his horns. “I hope you enjoy pain, you are going to be in a lot of it… before you die,” he laughs, “at least you will make a good meal for the infected and dying. See that?” he looks to the sky at a burning yellow light.
I look up at it too, in agony at the incoming bright burning light. It seems so far away, but has an impending effect on me which makes me want to cower.
“You hear that? That’s the sound of the end of the world. Too bad you won’t be around to see our rise to power… the full extent of it anyway, but oh well, at least you won’t burn alive.” He throws me onto the ground and trots off laughing as I lie there bleeding to death.
⌛ Fear and Trauma
⌛ Swears
⌛ Torture
⌛ Violence
⌚Basically its not pleasant. You have been warned.
⌛ Fear and Trauma
⌛ Swears
⌛ Torture
⌛ Violence
⌚Basically its not pleasant. You have been warned.
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Post by vray on Dec 5, 2018 2:08:36 GMT
So yeah, nitty gritty and what the actual fuck? are probably the thoughts I would have upon initial reading. I'm glad you took the recommendations I have, though I'd like to say one thing though. "Why was the air supply cut off?" I'm guessing it was due to the machine rather than intentional, but if it was intentional some indication would be good to know.
Other than that, yeah it looks like our nameless person got a gut wrenching experience in more ways than one, if you know what I mean. |
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girl-like-substance
the seal will bite you if you give him half a chance
Posts: 527
Pronouns: xe/xem
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Post by girl-like-substance on Dec 11, 2018 23:25:23 GMT
This is an interesting start! I must admit, I do have a soft spot for an experiment of some sort smashing their way out of a tube and running through a lab, all disoriented and confused. And, well, that's exactly what you've got for us here, but with an interestingly PMD flavour. I know I've seen a few PMD fics where the tech level is sufficient for this kind of industrialised scientific research to exist, but not many – I guess because the games are mostly fairly low-tech, except for the fact that as of Super all the characters are canonically on Facebook. Anyway, this is as much to say, I'll be very interested to see how you develop the setting in chapters to come. Quite apart from the slick glass-and-chrome futuristic feel, there's clearly something bad going on outside the confines of the lab, if the sky and the talk of 'infected' is anything to go by, and I'm looking forward to finding out what.
It also strikes me as very interesting that Misha and company went to so much effort to recapture someone of no further use to them. I wonder if there's a reason they didn't just abandon him? Like he doesn't seem to know anything incriminating, and before they gave chase, he hadn't seen their faces, but perhaps there's something about him that might be picked up by others, something that could interfere with their plans.
… or, having just read the end of the chapter, maybe Teodor's just a dick. That actually seems pretty likely, yes. He definitely took too much pleasure in eviscerating a kitten just there. Anyway, that certainly seems like a very fatal injury, but pokémon are tough; I wonder if this is one of those things where our hero will get rescued by someone, or one where we jump to a new POV character now that he's dead? I guess I'll find out soon enough!
I think one thing that detracts a little from the story is that your phrasing is often kind of stilted, sometimes to the point where it becomes a bit difficult to follow. It's especially noticeable in dialogue, where people make way less frequent use of contractions or commas than seems natural for people talking to one another, but it's apparent in your narration too:
'I am struck by severe burning pains' is a very clinical way of describing what feels like it ought to be a very visceral experience, especially given that we're actually in the head of the person who's experiencing this awful sensation. Your prose style puts a bit of a distance between your reader and the experiences you describe, and I think something like this might work slightly better if that gap was easier to bridge.
Finally, with all that out of the way, here are some nitpicks and minor corrections I noted as I read through:
I have to admit, I'm not really sure what you mean when you describe the substance filling our hero's lungs as itself 'filled with something impure'. I guess I just found this sentence a bit difficult to understand.
That should be 'lungs'.
Is 'much' a typo for 'me' here? Also, 'rushed' should just be 'rush', given that this story is written in the present tense.
I feel like that should be 'torn apart', unless I'm misreading something here.
You're missing a blank line between these two paragraphs.
'Disgusting-smelling' and 'sharp-voiced' are being used like adjectives here, so you'd hyphenate them – otherwise it reads like the Cobalion is (a) sharp and (b) has a voice, for instance, instead of it being clear that he's actually got a sharp voice.
That should be 'hoofed'.
There are several complete sentences in here that have all got joined into one by all the commas; the only kind of narration that can attach to dialogue like this is an attribution (she said, etc.), so some of these lines, like 'as he then thrusts me back up with his horns' or '', should really end with a full stop, and the following sentence within the quotation marks should begin with a capital letter. Also, if you've got two separate sentences of dialogue – like 'I'll deal with the boss, just go and tidy up your incompetence' and 'As for you, my, my' – on either side of your attribution, then that attribution needs to have a full stop after it, rather than a comma. Like this:
If it was just one long sentence that had an attribution in the middle, then your original punctuation would be correct:
In any case, if there's some more narration to come after that dialogue is over – like 'He slices open my belly with his horn' here – that's also its own separate sentence, so it should be formatted with a full stop and capital letter.
This is true even if there's more dialogue afterwards, as here―
―where I've put a full stop after 'horns', instead of the comma you originally had.
Anyway, sorry to have gone on so long about that! I'm never quite sure that I'm any good at explaining how dialogue punctuation works, so I tend to err on the side of caution and write too much rather than too little. Honestly, the sense is clear either way, so this is really just a matter of polish! At the core of this story is an interesting concept that you seem to know what you want to do with, and I'm looking forward to seeing how you develop it. I'll be waiting for your next chapter![/quote]
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Post by Manchee on Dec 19, 2018 23:12:21 GMT
This is quite the introduction to this story. I haven't read much of your other work, but from what I have read I can see the similarity in your writing style and themes, which is nice! I always like when a writer's work has a tone that makes you know who is writing, it feels more authentic to me. I can tell that you like to write things that are darker and graphic. It makes me want to see more of this, honestly, because I'm a sucker for post-apocalyptic and experimental-type stories. It like the hinting that something was done to our "main character" here, but we are not explicitly told what (unless I'm totally oblivious and missed something huge, lol). But it's enough to intrigue me for what's next! That being said, though, some of this didn't land. Specifically, the main character's struggle to escape captivity. I like that it wasn't a simple task, but with the shortness of this chapter I wish the details made more of an impact. I could see that you wanted to make them struggle and be in pain, but some of the descriptions felt lackluster - and not necessarily because anything was missing, maybe more like it was a bunch of stuff thrown in this escape scene that not much of it felt intense? Maybe that's just me, I'm into gore and things that make a lot of people uncomfortable, and I can be very critical of genres that try to use those things in horror and sci-fi. I could see what you were going for with the Cobalion impaling the torracat with its horns, but that was one instance where it seemed more like gore just for the sake of gore. I will be keeping an eye on this, though! From what you've said about it, you clearly have ideas pulled together to form something cool here  |
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Post by Cavespider_17 on Dec 24, 2018 18:34:47 GMT
DARIO
I sniff the air and my eyes snap forwards. I must remain alert. This world is definitely not safe, and as a personal reminder of that, I see a facility with my eyes not too far away. There is no mistaking it. I have had so many amigos die in there… none of which I knew. I call them amigos because we are the same. An experiment. Undoubtedly taken from a young age to serve the so called Organización. What they are up to, no one (but no one) asks… except me.
“Amigo! ¿Qué hace la Organización?” I call out to a small Rattata. His purple fur shines in the sunlight. Maybe her. I cannot tell from where I stand. They stare back at me coldly before scurrying away. No one (but no one) talks openly about la Organización, or maybe they don’t understand mañin. I look up at the building once more in the distance. I see smoke pouring out of the upper windows. {(Translate)}
Friend! What do the Organisation do? Bueno. Una Casa del mal esta quemando. Soy Luxray civilizado. Al menos ahora estoy… no puedo creer que hayan pasado dos años desde que era propiedad… la Organización. {(Translate)}
Good. A house of evil burns. I am a civalised Luxray. At least I am now... I cannot believe it has been two years since I was property... The Organisation.
My eyes narrow as I walk through the dusty wasteland. I see the pipes leading out of the facility and the sewer filled with urine and discarded chemicals. I hear the alarms going off from the building as I inch ever closer.
El sonido… la memoria… {(Translate)}
The sounds... the memories
I let a tear roll down my face, remembering the day I was discarded as done… a used specimen. Left on a pile of bodies and injured mons to die. The stench was unbearable. The room was always guarded inside and out… nearly. The moment of the changing of the guard was only two minutes long, and happened four times a day. Once every six hours. I had twelve minutes at most each day to myself…
My third day in the rotting stench pile. That’s when I saw it. The broken vent. That’s when I decided… I was going to be free.
I remember every time the guard changed pulling myself, my injured bruised, bloody body towards the vent. Two minutes every six hours. I couldn’t stand. My legs were all broken, as was my tail. It was agonising, but I wanted… I knew I could be free, that feeling is mine now… I wonder if anyone in that facility feels the same way I did then… I do now…
I look up at the sun, and the meteor’s piercing light.
El Apocalipsis…{(Translate)}
The apocalypse...
Nothing I’ve been through seems to matter anymore. I realise the only way forward is to pass through la Organización’s territory. I don’t even know where I am going, as sad as it is. Forwards, I guess. The past is done. I go to step out into the flat lands but I stop upon hearing voices.
“You hear that? That’s the sound of the end of the world. Too bad you won’t be around to see our rise to power… the full extent of it anyway, but oh well, at least you won’t burn alive.” I hear, and immediately my ears shoot up.
La Organización. {(Translate)}
The Organisation. I look at my white paws, what seem to be digging into the ground with frustration, before looking back at where I heard the noise. I see a Cobalion walking away with an angry look on his face, as the alarms go off, and the smoke seems to be sweating less from the building. I sigh a deep sigh realising that it was probably just a chemical mistake rather than a fully-fledged fire.
I look at where he was standing. On the floor in a pile of blood lay a Torracat.
Cuatro dias…{(Translate)}
Four days...
I go to leave him to die. It isn’t my problem… is it? He is like me.
Arceus ten piedad…{(Translate)}
Arceus have mercy...
I turn back to face him. Slowly I descend the mound, wary of the Cobalion’s return. The coarse sand digs into the bottom of my paws, but I don’t care. I let the sand spray up in my face as reach him.
He smells vile, but I guess I did too… once, and alive. Carefully I press my head where his stomach is bleeding and leaking out his intestines. I push my body in a wiggle under his, and shuffle until I can throw him on my back.
I dig my claws into the ground, and with my now red and white sticky paws I rise up with this dead-weight mon dangling off my back. His blood is soaking my fur, but it will be worth it if he lives. With great caution I lift my paws up, one by one and plod forwards. Turning my head and focussing on him with my eyes every other step. I am heading to an abandoned shop on the edge of the nearest town – Litivich. There I can get supplies, maybe help… maybe. I have had to kill so many mons, even resulted to cannibalism at times to survive.
The guilt surrounds me like a never ending fog and the thoughts crush me like a ton of weights, their screams as I ended their lives before ripping into their flesh. Tears fall down my eyes, as I wonder if that makes me a bad mon, or not.
⌛⌛⌛
I remember seeing mons back then who I would talk to every day as a survivor. I remember one in particular that stood out to me then was a mon named Marco. He was a Leafeon, smaller than average due to the lack of food. He wasn’t an ex-experiment, he was just Marco. “Dario, ¿Por qué comes otros Pokémon?” he asked me one day. {(Translate)}
Dario, why do you eat other Pokémon? “Mi supervivencia es más importante que su supervivencia. Sencillo,” I replied, my eyes closed and a large smile on my face. {(Translate)}
My survival is more important than theirs. “¿Por qué?” he looked back at me, with a tilted head and sad eyes. “¿Dario, me comerás?” {(Translate)}
Why?
Dario would you eat me? I paused. I had never really thought about that before… would I eat him? If it came down to me or him surviving… would I eat him? “Si, te comeré. Mi supervivencia es más importante que tu supervivencia,” I scowled. {(Translate)}
Yes, I would eat you, my survival is more important than yours. “Nunca comeré un Pokémon,” he scowled back. {(Translate)}
I will never eat another Pokémon. I didn’t see him for three weeks after that. Then one day I was scouring the town in Andreaville, looking for rationed food, when I heard a fight break out in the street. Quickly I scrambled outside to see the commotion, and there he was. Marco. He looked deranged, his eyes were bloodshot and he was starving. His mouth was dripping with blood, and beneath him lay a Larvesta of maybe two years old. He was stone dead, and its mother was screaming, desperately trying to pull Marco off. Marco had gutted the child and devoured part of him before I could even get there. It was clear he was starving. He wasn’t infected, he was just so hungry he was willing to do anything to eat. So much for never eating a Pokémon. I heard a stomping noise coming from the right, and the people backing away from the street. I stood on the side of the pavement, watching on. A Rhyperior came up behind Marco, and with his horn he ran him through the heart, leaving it to hang outside his body. I recount this to have been the turning point for me. The moment I had to get out of Mañinalla – Zone 2. The moment I swore to never eat another mon again.
⌛⌛⌛
With a deep sigh I lay the injured mon down inside the abandoned shop. His injuries are incredibly severe. Severe enough to be an easy meal for anyone who wanted to take a chomp out of him. I need to clean us both up… and there is only one place I can get water. That’s the pump in central town. Even then it would only be a few litres, and that is if they aren’t doing a paper inspection. I’d also need to get medical supplies. I look at his injured body. Si lo dejo, él podría morrir, pero… si no lo dejo morriá puedo que no muera. {(Translate)}
If I leave him he could die, but if I don't he might not die.
I take a deep breath, and exhale the longest sigh I ever have, ¿Qué estoy haciendo?{(Translate)}
What am I doing? I drag a blanket over the bloody Torracat and pick up a bucket. With a final glance I walk out the building, leaving him in a bloodied mess on the floor. |
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girl-like-substance
the seal will bite you if you give him half a chance
Posts: 527
Pronouns: xe/xem
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Post by girl-like-substance on Jan 25, 2019 22:21:52 GMT
This first chapter certainly does paint a pretty bleak picture, huh. A world on its last legs, ravaged by some kind of zombie-esque infection and about to be hit by a meteor, divided into zones (which to be don't have to be dystopian, but they do always sound a bit evil) and menaced by shadowy groups conducting Evil ExperimentsTM! It's quite a lot, and honestly any one of them would've made a striking setting – but nope, we've got all four together. It's quite something, and it's really screwing people up, huh. The apocalypse is already pretty well underway; the meteor would really only be the coup de grace.
Of your cannibalistic luxray, there's not too much to say as of yet; we know very little about them, except that they're willing to do literally anything to survive and yet have a few remaining heartstrings that can be tugged on. I like a story where someone desperate and hardbitten rescue someone else because of stirrings of compassion or unignorable perceived similarities between their situations, and this is definitely one of those, it seems! So that should be fun.
I think the little bit about cannibalism towards the end of the chapter where our protagonist picks up the escaped torracat is maybe slightly oddly placed, though. Like it seems to me that you're using it as a bridge between this section and the reflection on cannibalism, which is fine, but I'm not sure the logical connection between it and the picking-up-the-torracat passage is quite strong enough for me to follow? Idk, it just didn't quite seem to gel together to me.
I'm also not 100% sold on the translations. Especially since this is first-person narrative, and like, if a character's interior monologue isn't written out in Spanish, then why would you write out their thoughts in Spanish? Like it just seems odd, especially since the point here is not that the Spanish is supposed to be an impediment to our understanding of the story, but an integral part that we're meant to understand as we go along. Nor am I totally sure about the odd font change for thoughts, either – it makes them unnecessarily hard to read, imo.
Anyway, other than that, I've got a couple of typos and things to point out:
You use this phrase twice in as many paragraphs, which seems like a bit much to me; either way, the 'but no one' should be bracketed in commas.
That should be 'civilised'.
That should be 'dusty'.
Not a typo, but this is really awkwardly phrased; I think you could get away with much less in this sentence. Shuffle until I have him positioned on my back, maybe? Essentially, I think you can describe fewer parts of the action and still have it both make sense and retain the sense of hard, aching work.
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Post by Cavespider_17 on Feb 3, 2019 19:26:36 GMT
I feel a blanket being placed over my body, as a white and grey furred Luxray walks away from me. I feel my intestines on the cold floor, and I want to vomit. I can’t move. I feel disgusting and weak. My body stings all over.
My paws pound and are coated in my own blood. I sigh. If he wanted me dead he could have easily ripped into me. I look at the fridge, cold and dead. Not a single flicker from the light inside can be seen through the glass door.
That’s how I feel. I don’t understand. Am I that important to them that they would gut me? Am I that important I would be saved by that Luxray… I must be special. I guess it’s nice to be special. Who am I though? What am I? I get that I am a Torracat. I don’t even know my moves… my ability… do I even have those? I am so confused by who, what and why… I forgot about how. How did I get there?
“Ha, ha, that’s funny. Oh how hilarious indeed,” a Gallade jumps down in front of me, “I guess you escaped, oh and you understand universal tongue. What a shame you are such a wasted thing,” he lifts my chin up, “Such spirit, making it all this way on your own with your injuries. Oh wait, you didn’t.” He kicks my wound. “Heh, I guess I’ll give you something Forty-Seven, you certainly tried. You aren’t special Forty-Seven. Before you ask, “oh but why are you here then?” let me answer that. I was just passing through and saw the trail of your blood. Naturally I assumed it was a cannibalistic attack… but it turns out it’s you.” He sits beside me. “I am a fair mon, Forty-Seven. You survived death once, I won’t force you to do so again…. So let me ask you this… do you want to live?”
That’s a stupid question of course I do.
“Is it now? If you live you remain in agony. You have no idea who you are, what you are… but… I sense determination in your answer, a strong will…” he closes his eyes, “very well,” he opens them again with a sharp sense of urgency, “Do you know who I am? Of course you don’t. Heh, I am Tranter, Tranter Allan, and I am head of the Organisation in Zone 9.”
What? No… you can’t be… why would you be……here?
“Come now little Torracat, heh, you aren’t that naïve to think I would spend all day in my office? Hmm? Heh, maybe you are indeed. I don’t know. I bet you have a lot of questions about yourself… I won’t answer any of them… but I can tell you where you can get them… but I guess first I shall name you something, Forty Seven. Let’s see… we are in Vestoria. So I guess a Vestorian name wouldn’t be strange.”
Vestoria? I don’t know where that is…
“I said we are in Vestoria…” his eyes narrow on me, “Naïve child… I shall call you Hendrik. That will do. At least when they bury you, you will now have a name on your tombstone. It means home ruler. Not that you are a ruler… but you are home…” he smiles a calm smile and gets up to leave.
Wait what about my answers!
“Tsveta. Find Tsveta… find Belyy, he will tell you… but… once he does, come and find me, Hendrik,” his smile turns serious, “After all… I want to hear what he has to tell you too. If you don’t I will find you myself… and I will kill you… that is if you survive,” he leaves in a fit of cold, hardened laughter. {(Translate)}
Colours. Find Colours... Find White...
Tsveta? Belyy? White from the Colours?
I let myself relax now he is gone.
Who was he? He said something about being head of Zone 9. Vestoria is Zone 9? How many zones are there? He said I am not important… I am nobody… well that’s fine I guess… I might get a normal life now… Maybe?
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girl-like-substance
the seal will bite you if you give him half a chance
Posts: 527
Pronouns: xe/xem
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Post by girl-like-substance on Mar 6, 2019 23:03:23 GMT
This is a brief one! So brief there's not too much to be said about it, actually; it's just one scene, so short that there's not much space for stuff to happen. Tranter wants to use Hendrik (I guess I don't know if Hendrik's gonna accept that name, like if someone even half as vile as Tranter tried to name me I'd probably reject it) to get … some mysterious piece of information, huh. I suppose it's also interesting that the organisation has such a long and shadowy arm that it's able to worm its way into whatever bolthole it is that this luxray's taken him too, but that's not too much of a surprise, all things considered.
It also seems interesting that our luxray guy left this obviously dying guy in need of immediate and intensive medical attention alone for long enough for Tranter to make a really long speech – which is made the longer when you consider how many long pauses those ellipses imply. Maybe if something was happening in the background, like people were moving through this area or whatever, preparations were being made, someone had to come into the room and then go again for whatever reason, and Tranter had to like conceal himself for moments here and there, it would add some more drama to the scene? I feel like as it is, it's kinda static – mostly just a monologue, with occasional brief interjections from Hendrik.
Anyway, as usual, here are a few typos and things:
This recurs all the way through this chapter – a bit of narration between two lines of dialogue like this needs to be punctuated like the separate sentence that it is. By way of example:
Missing a hyphen in 'Forty-Seven'.
Again, this recurs a fair bit – this sentence is really underpunctuated; there needs to be something between 'question' and 'of'. Could be a dash or a semicolon. Or these could be two separate sentences. Or I think you could get away with a comma here, too, even if it isn't strictly grammatically correct.
And that's about it. I guess I'll have to wait a little longer yet to find out what's going to happen next to all these people and their grim apocalypse lives!
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Post by Cavespider_17 on Apr 14, 2019 12:50:04 GMT
Dario
I walk through the streets of Litivich. I still feel sticky, and disgusting from his blood. I take a deep breath and keep plodding forwards, holding the metal bucket in my mouth. I look at the crowds waiting to have access to the water pump, there is at least an hour’s wait here. At least. My eyes scan around as I join the back of the queue. I am hit with a feeling of alertness as I see up ahead a mon holding a small device. A scanner. I listen carefully to the crowd talking about them searching for experiments who recently escaped from Zone 6.
I turn my head to look behind me, and am left at awe by the scenery. The towering mountains which sing a whistle as the winds blow through them. Of course they are far away now… They are scanning each mon’s neck and belly. Both are commonplace for microchips. One of which I have myself… on my belly. I know this due to being flagged once before at home at the border. Since then I have learned to avoid such checks.
I turn tail to leave the queue only to realise there is one behind me too. Fifteen mons behind me. Desperately, I try to think of a way to leave the queue. I fake drop my bucket onto its side, allowing it to roll away. One of the scanners shoots me a cold look as it rolls away. He walks towards me. His huge Crabominable face glares down at me. “Neudacha,” I whisper to him, hoping he would believe it was an accident. He picks it up and with a smile he shunts it back into my mouth. I smile back at him with the most forced smile I have ever had to make. {Translate}
Accident.
La Organización.
{Translate}
The Organisation. My attention latches on to a little Cubchoo that seems to be wandering around unattended in the queue. He isn’t very old it doesn’t seem… or maybe it’s a she. I can’t tell from where I am, nor do I care. They are strange though due to their colour. Brown. Which is funny because brown Cubchoo are only found in… Melu. It’s Meluvian… Zone 6… I don’t notice the scanner’s cold hands pick me up. A white Beartic has me in his claws and is scowling at me. “Govno! On Eksperiment!” he calls out, “Zona Dva!” {Translate}
Got one! An experiment! From Zone Two! “¡Mierda!” I spit back, as I squirm to escape his claws, only to get slapped and winded across my stomach myself. He presses a metal claw to my neck. With desperation I look around and slam my paws into his stomach. One. Two. Three. {Translate}
Shit! He doesn’t budge, rather, he strokes my head in a soothing manner, as if he is trying to calm me down. I squeeze my eyes tightly shut as he rubs my head. I start to relax. I am not going anywhere, he is too heavy for me to move. I feel as if my fate is sealed. I hear a noise up head. I open my eyes and go to turn my head to face it, but I am met with the Beartic’s paw. It rests on the side of my cheek, as if to comfort me. He appears to be listening to the commotion too. With a swift movement of his other paw to his lips he then strikes me across the face, slicing me. His claw mark is now indented in my face. I go to scream out but he covers my mouth, and then slices my belly very lightly. “Zona Dva…” he says softly to me, and then with the little smile says, “Zona dos,” and taps his chest. He stands and looks to the others, “Eksperiment mertv.” {Translate}
Zone Two... Zone two. The expermiment is dead. ¿Estoy Muerto? Ah… Estoy Muerto.{Translate}
I am dead? Ah... I am dead.¿Estoy Muerto? Ah… Estoy Muerto.
I flop down, and pretend to be dead, as the chaos up ahead continues. There is screaming, shouting, crying… and silence. The Beartic nudges me gently and I look up at him. He carefully places something into my paw with a tear in his eye, and runs after the rest of the Organisation members. I look at the item. It is a little picture of himself, his wife, and four little Cubchoo. He saved my life… I guess not all members of the Organisation are evil. I rest my head back against the ground, before taking a deep breath. ¿Los mató la Organización?{Translate}
Were they killed by the Organisation? I roll over and pick my bucket up. The Organisation certainly knows how to clear a crowd. I re-join the queue third in line, and watch as the few mons in front of me fill their buckets up with water. They slowly move aside and I place my bucket down onto the hardened dust. With my scarred face, sore belly and bloody paws I press down on the pump. The sound of the water hitting the pale is soothing. The gentle tapping before becoming a sea of slushing. I look down into the bucket and see my reflection shining back at me. I wait for it to almost be dripping over the top before picking the bucket up once more in my sore mouth. It’s much heavier now, but I will cope. As for bandages… I will have to make do with whatever I find at the hiding spot. I can’t afford to stay in town much longer, else someone might realise that the dead Luxray isn’t so dead after all. |
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Post by vray on Jun 25, 2019 4:22:20 GMT
I must say, that it's been some time since I've gotten to this work and frankly it seems our main character has also undergone some time. Which, sort of is a bit abrupt, especially since we had that rather condescending Gallade to deal with earlier. It just feels a little abrupt and a question about how he got from here to there, while you do explain some there just feels way more to look for.
Now, while I do have that issue and a few others, I rather enjoy the sort of little turmoil our character finds himself in. The cannibalism would no doubt affect him in a bit way, but sometimes it takes seeing others break down and do what you do that messes with you. I enjoy this rather selfish trait of sense of survival from him, that while is messed up and sad would make sense for the world. Who is worth surviving more, to him it's him and it sounds like something that could be fleshed into as character growth. I would have preferred his change from cannabilism be less...well direct as will power, considering someone with way more willpower on the matter gave in, in the end.
This brings up a question though if there's what I'd call a small civilization, why isn't there food per se? Why haven't certain mons just killed all the others for food or where do they even have their food to even get anything to stay there? This is something I think would need to be answered since I guess there's a food shortage but they must get some food somewhere.
Now as for stuff already brought up, while I enjoy the Spanish immersion it does feel immersion breaking by having our main character voice his narration in English while also talking Spanish.
However, while the back and forth with himself on sparing/helping this mon is interesting, I just don't really see him at this point yet or at least with what's been shown. He clearly is focused on himself and even if he doesn't want to eat others it'd be hard pressed for him to help someone out of the kindness of his heart despite having a relation to this person.
I suppose it can work, since it was a situation he was in before, but I guess I sort of wanted to see more of the change than seeing the monster he was acting like in the eyes of others and simply recalling a position he's in. Perhaps seeing this Torracat as a potential helper for hunting or food gathering and all would be something, since this character still has his own interests and well a lot to think about.
Other than that, this was fine. The small sentences started to get a little old but for the sake of the 1st person narration I think it's alright for the setting of this character's state. Being quick to saying things and all instead of dragging out.
Good job so far, will see where this goes.
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Post by Cavespider_17 on Apr 16, 2020 1:36:17 GMT
Hendrik
I lay on my side, cold. Oh so cold. It’s been a few hours since that Gallade came, I think back to what I know about him.
Yego Zovut? {(Translate)}
What's his name? I ponder for a moment, Tranter, Tranter Allan.
I consider what Tranter had said, about finding Belyy. Not that I know who Belyy is, or where to even start trying to find Tsveta. My current situation doesn’t bode well for success. I am dying still, but… I feel glad to have a name now – Hendrik - Even if it was given to me by a mass murdering freak. I shiver from the pain. I hear a clunking noise, like paws on the floor. Claws on the floor. In my hazy view I see a bloodied and scarred Luxray come into the room through the beaten down door. He looks at me, and I look at him. Our eyes lock. I see into his deep green eyes, they are fraught with secrets that must never be told, and they burn him up inside. I sigh. He steps forward with the bucket in his mouth and places it beside me, before going into a little side room with a sign that his clinging on to the door with a single nail. It has a picture of a little Mr. Mime on it. Moments later the door swings back open and he is carrying a roll of tissue, which is by far the cleanest thing in this hell hole. He approaches me cautiously, as if he is expecting me to try and attack him. I consider for a moment if that is why he has a burning soul in his eyes. As I delve deep into the thought I feel a colder, damper feeling being forced against my intestines. I growl instinctively, as he pushes them back inside my body with the wet tissue. “Ty plachesh’,” he mutters under his breath. {(Translate)}
You snivelling child. "Who do you call a snivelling child?” I snarl back, but he doesn’t respond, giving me a face of confusion, as if he doesn’t understand me. “Ya nyet govoyu universkiy… Eksperiment…” he replies, waving his left paw upwards. {(Translate)}
I don't speak the Universal Language... Experiment... Huh? You don’t understand this language? I can think in both this and the one you spoke in. I don’t understand. Who are you calling Experiment? You are the one who looks like they got mauled to death… oh wait, you aren’t psychic… right? You are electric. So I can insult you in my mind as much as I like! Or… oh I can insult you in this language as much as I like!
He digs into my skin with his claws and I let out a roar in pain. It feels like he is grating away at me, slowly. I watch as he stabs my stomach with a blunt needle and pushes it through the skin. I whimper a weak whimper as I watch him thread my stomach back up. The thread is basic, and the needle cuts more than it should. He weaves it in and stabs though the skin, before tugging it through and yanking with extraordinary force, and repeating the process. I watch him carefully with a snarl as he finishes. He then nods at me with a suspiciously kind smile. “What do you want from me?” I hiss. He groans and then says “Ya… nyet… govoyu… universkiy…” {(Translate)}
I... don't... speak... the... Universal... Language... “Ugh,” I roll my eyes and start to stand up, my paws sore and shaky. He sits down and grabs me with his mouth. I desperately try to escape but he has me in his claws. Slowly I watch his tongue extend and I squirm and try to claw away, but I have no chance against him. He is too strong. He starts to clean me with his tongue, like a mother Incineroar would to her Litten. “Ugh…!” I groan even louder. His tongue is cold, and the hooks on it feel like they are ripping my fur out my body. I sit in a sulk and wait for him to finish.
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roule
Take it all, or leave it... I feel you
Posts: 39 
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Post by roule on Sept 14, 2020 5:25:17 GMT
Compared to Coltar, I think that this fic goes into a very different direction. Both of these works go in-depth in terms of world-building, however, I feel like this one feels a lot more balanced. In Coltar, while I loved the political aspects of the fic, I felt like a lot of the worldbuilding was too obvious and on the nose. I personally feel that building the world in a fanfiction through its characters interacting with the environment rather than exposition, and I think that this fic has the perfect blend of that form of description. It works in portraying the dark tone set throughout the story, making it seem bleak without feeling too overbearing or crushing.
For the story itself, I feel like it definitely has a very unique feel to it. The prologue starts off strong from Hendriks's perspective, and really engages you with his escape and later maiming at the hands of The Organization. I accidentally didn't pick up on the PoV transition from that to the first chapter, so it may be a good idea to make that a little more visible. But this world has so much interesting elements, being a sort of PMD universe story where its civilization has grown to the point of having a cyberpunk future with microchip implants and a mysterious organization running everything. I feel that the dynamic between a grizzled nomad wandering the world and a younger test subject with psychic powers is quite interesting, I've seen it in a few different books done extremely well and I wonder what you will do with it in future chapters. And the plot forming, with Hendrik told by Tranter to search for the "colors" and individuals that may have something against the Organization. However, the fact that the Organization is basically planning the apocalypse for whatever means that they have is... kind of concerning for future events.
My only real complaint is the usage of language within the fic. I think while the idea is very interesting, especially the use of English as a universally understood language. However, I feel that it can be sort of confusing at times, even with the translations provided. I think that it should be used sort of sparingly as it can be distracting, while cool. Either that or using italics in place of foreign language.
Overall, I think this is my favorite fic of yours, and I cant wait to see how you build on the concepts presented in this fic!
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Yodakage Kira
"Just like the simulations." - Random Clone before making the greatest and last mistake of his life
Posts: 42
Pronouns: he/him
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Post by Yodakage Kira on Oct 15, 2020 4:42:20 GMT
Review for Longform Exchange
Prologue:
Experiments, dubious scientists, and getting gored by Cobalion of all things…
I honestly don’t exactly enjoy prologues very much, but I still can say that despite my personal preference, you managed to at least sow intrigue in me. And I’ll respect that.
Funky science… stuff, is always something I like seeing so long as it's done right. And while I cannot judge it entirely yet, I can say that you’ve set it up right at the very least. Lets see how far it goes…
Cobalion of all things is an interesting choice of Pokémon, especially as a scientist. Sword of Justice turned lackey to some mysterious ‘boss’ we have yet to know about. Lets see what happens from here on out…
Also the idea of getting their guts torn out by a horn is quite the way to go.
Chapter 1:
More goring, Spanish Luxray, and Torracat rescue.
First off, I seriously wouldn’t classify the first chapter as a prologue in my eyes. As it barely explained anything, and just gave us a set of eyes to look through to get some level of context that can be given in any chapter. But I digress, that's your choice.
Alright, so a Spanish fricken Luxray that has a heart, but half of it seems to be in the deepfreeze. Dario rescues this Torracat but definitely seems to be on the more volatile side of morality, we’ll see how this pans out…
A Leafeon named Marco, interesting choice… and oh… well he didn’t last very long at all. Succumbing to both hunger and death in a few short sentences. Getting gored by yet another horn, this time through the heart. I’m noticing a pattern and I’m not sure what to thing of it.
Speaking of this ‘Marco’, this whole retelling doesn’t fit well with the flow. If anything it seems to detract from possible and more natural sounding points, like seeing a photo or memento and perhaps a short summary of who it belonged to. It’s my main problem with flashbacks in general, they break flow that previously existed to give information that could come far more naturally. But all in all, nice chapter.
Chapter 2:
Cruelty, super evil Gallade™, and colors.
This chapter feels a lot more brief than it should. There is just too much information given in such a short time that it doesn’t flow right. But at least we got a face we can hate, and someone I can hope gets gored by yet another horn.
I hope that Tranter Allan gets some reason as to his madness later.
As for the whole “Find le white” thing… I have nothing to do except speculate wildly and pray for the best.
Chapter 3:
Different scenario, same problems as chapter 2. It’s far too brief, all it needs is some padding out and it’d work. Other than that, it's good.
Also I’m beginning to think that all the Pokémon are spanish, I’ve seen exactly one other fic that had this approach and I found it a good read.
Also a friendly ‘enemy’ Beartic in this ‘organization’ does add some grey elements to this whole scenario. Lets see how that's developed.
Chapter 4:
This is the final chapter that I can read. Thus far the plot has introduced the main cast from what I can tell and gave us our main plot point, I’ll judge what I can.
While the prologue instilled intrigue and flowed well into the second chapter for the most part, everything afterwards felt quite short and given no time to breathe. I can see the plot, and there isn’t anything discernible wrong with it, but it would greatly benefit from having some space and padding out.
I like the mystery of the ‘zones’ and what secrets they hold. But exposition needs to be handled accordingly without feeling forced.
Most of these things can be quick fixes, others might be a little more complicated if you have a general story outline. But all in all, it was good.
Good luck, and have a good day.
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