[June 2019 - Rock the Block]

A very simple piece that does what it means to. As you noted in the end of your story I could tell it was pretty barebones and somewhat rather ambiguous to the relationship with the two. Though there was the "Baby" said and all, though I'm a little odded out at it since I would have expected a "Babe" but eh, details details.

So in ongoing with what I enjoyed, I would say your description with gestures with the character's feelings were nice. You didn't overdo them and kept it fine and even worded funny sometimes, like bullying eggs on a plate.

I also liked the simplicity of your dialogue. It felt like a conversation people would have, but with the mental insight into Yanis and thus a little bit more into his nature and all.

Now as for some things I spied, I'll start with this.


I doth detect a form of "G" left off, in this story. Now I wouldn't really bring this up if it was a bit more consistent since I was expecting something on the lines of "Cursin' me out and tellin' me I was...." yada yada yada. It probably was something missed in this and since you do, do it later I would assume this was simply missed in editing.


Next would be,

Slight repetition aside, this could probably be better done by simply having him thinking about his. You do have him doing what I believe is internal dialogue near the end so maybe having the first part be the recurring thing you have set up while continuing it on with his internalized thoughts about it.


And for my little last thing that ain't so much a problem as it is....well....



Was kind of my reaction to that. It's fine for the story and all, just a little bit of a "wait wuh?"









Overall,
simple and clean is the way that this reads on my device tonight!
It's time to let go!



And say have a good day and I wish you well.

Edit: Forgot to mention, you should probably include a title and a description about the prompt stuff you're doing this on since it saves the readers having to look at the prompt in another tab and all.

Short and sweet, huh. :> This is just a little vignette, of course, but one of the neat things you can do with a vignette is to lean into its brevity to make it much cuter than would wash in a longer piece. And that's what you do here! Yanis and Maël are very sweet together; there's a familiarity to the way they speak and act, particularly in how they talk around the huge fact of Yanis' anxiety, because that's not something they can fix right now, even if (by whatever means; we don't see what it is here) they've managed to get him to a stable place for the moment. This situation clearly can't last – Yanis' reaction to Maël leaving makes that clear, as does that final line where he sounds like he's trying pretty unsuccessfully to convince himself that he loves this room. At some point or other, Yanis is going to have to try and change things. But right now Maël has to go to work, and Yanis needs to make it through the day till he returns. So all they can do is enjoy the moment while it's there.

I also enjoyed all the little touches you worked in to give the world some depth, even in this brief snippet: Smeargling jobs, downloading video games, bad managers, the sort of tiny things that make up day-to-day life in the real world, and which, transplanted to the pokémon world, give it a reality beyond the hazy endless-summer-holiday vibe of the games. They're nice.

I think you could've gone a touch heavier on Yanis' anxiety, though. I read this from the perspective of someone who already knew what the story was about, obviously, and I felt like if I hadn't already known that, it might have been a bit trickier to figure out what was going on. You could definitely strengthen that element without losing the sweetness of this ordinary morning, if that's a concern you had.

Also, I realise Augustine the manager and Augustine Sycamore are probably two different people, but like, I kinda enjoyed thinking that maybe this is Sycamore at an earlier stage of life. :V

This was a nice read! I've really been digging short form works lately. This is interesting because we get a lot of the feelings that Yanis is going through, and he's clearly very focused on his relationship rather than himself or his surroundings. I was certainly confused about where this was taking place, up until the end when I figured he was just in his bedroom (a part of me thought for a second that he was in prison and they were talking through a door, lol). But I don't mind that as much because when I was younger I was in a similar headspace as Yanis and it was hard to focus on much else besides who I was dating/interesting in. So I can roughly understand how he feels. You did a good job conveying those emotions, and if I had to make any suggestions it would be to make things a little clearer but at the same time I think the ambiguity works for this, so it's not a bad thing at all if you leave it how it is. Nice job!