Irwin & Lyle - Deadbeat Heros (Last Minute Put-Together YT)

    "Aww, what? Pleeaasse?" Lyle begs, tail wriggling as he slithers closer to Irwin.

    "Lyle, what've I told you about eating other 'mons children?" Irwin replies, thinking back to the fourteen angry Kanghaskhans he's had to placate over the past six months.

    Lyle coils up some, before crying out with, "C'mon! Children taste awesome, 'mon!"

    With a growl, Irwin looks at Lyle with irritation, throwing his paws in the air as he says, "I know children taste awesome, Lyle, but you don't. Eat. Them!"

    "Whatever, dude, you suck!" Lyle spits back in response.

    "You know what sucks, Lyle? What sucks is having to bail out your dumbass friend whenever they can't keep their fuckin' stomach in check! That. Fucking. Sucks. Just… !" Irwin exclaims, before a sudden moment of clarity comes upon him.

    Here is a Lucario and Serviper, arguing over whether or not to eat the actual baby human in the middle of the forest. They could have a team of trained Pokémon on their ass any minute, and they're standing around bickering like Smeargles arguing over the artistic merit of splatter paintings.

    "Look, Lyle," Irwin begins, much more subdued than before. "I don't mean to get upset, but like dude? For reals? Cut this shit out - it ain't worth it."

    The massive waves of disappointed dad energy coming off of Irwin finally get through to Lyle, who has the decency to look roughly five percent more guilty than before.

    Lyle sighs after a moment, looking down briefly. "Yeah, I get it," he says, before looking up at Irwin. "I promise that I won't eat the child..."

    Irwin nods his head with a satisfied smile. He crosses his arms and says, "Good."

    "… yet," Lyle finishes cheekily.

    Irwin knocks Lyle in the head playfully, before brightly saying, "Alright, that's enough, you. We gotta get this kid back where it belongs!"

    "Yeah!" Lyle says enthusiastically, with a little hop.

    …

    The night sounds of the forest filled a slightly awkward silence. Lyle coughs in the midst of this, before deciding to ask a very important question.

    "So uh… where, exactly, does this kid belong?" he asks, gesturing with the blade of his tale to the sleeping infant on the ground.

    Irwin brings up a paw and readies an answer, only to find himself stumped. With a disgruntled look on his face, and a downcast tail, he says, "I… don't know."

    "Uh huh, so… what do we do?" Lyle asks with a raised brow.

    Irwin brings his paw up to his chin and closes his eyes, thinking. 'Who do we know that knows about human stuff?'

    Lyle uses his tail to coil around the sleeping human, setting it atop his back. The tiny snores of the tiny child have a strangely calming effect, and he makes an effort not to disturb the child further.

    "Ahah! I got it!" Irwin says, throwing a hand in the air.

    Lyle shushes him while pointing at the baby with his tail.

    "Oh, uh, sorry," Irwin mumbles, trying to be quiet for the child.

    "We gotta go find Heather - she's gotten down with a human before, she probably knows where they live!" he whispers loudly.

    Lyle nods his head. "That's a good idea, dude - good thinking!" he replies.

    "Thank you, thank you," Irwin says smugly. "Now let's go find her den!"

---

    
    Twenty minutes later, the Lucario, Seviper, and human baby find themselves in front of a door.

    The door is big and ovular, with extra space cut out for Heather's large ears. Surrounding the door is a very large tree, hallowed out and adorned with windows which allow one to see egg white curtains fully drawn.

    Irwin knocks on the door, being the only one who can.

    No one answers, and in response, Irwin & Lyle look at each other. Irwin let's out a huff, and knocks again - but much harder.

    When no one responds yet again, Lyle picks up a pebble with his tail. Looking up, he sees a singular window on the second floor. He takes aim, squints his eyes, and hurls the pebble at the window full-force.

    There's a big 'krak,' and the pebble gets lodged in the window, cracks splintering out.

    From inside the house, they hear something tumble to the ground. A faint "What the fuck?" can be heard, before an exasperated "For fucks sake!" replaces it.

    Lyle and Irwin look at each other, torn between concern at having pissed off Heather, and satisfaction at having woken her up in the middle of the night.

    Suddenly, the window pops open, revealing an angry and bleary eyed Lopunny.

    "Alright, who the fuck… !" she starts, before looking down to the ground below her and seeing our protagonistic twosome.

    "Oh, it's *you* two," the Lopunny states in exasperation.

    "Hi Heather!" Lyle says with a tail wave and a big dumb smile.

    Heather simply lets out a long-suffering sigh, before asking, "It's the middle of the night, what do you want?"

    Irwin looks up at Heather's deeply irritated expression, and says, "Hey, we found this baby human, like, over… there -" he points to the direction they came from, "- and we don't want a buncha trainers on us who're looking for it."

    Heather doesn't respond for a second, before eventually replying with, "… And?"

    "Well, we need you to tell us where humans live so we don't get beat the shit out of!" Irwin exclaims.

    After a small hum and a click of the tongue, Heather says, "First, I don't care. Second, I should be asleep right now, and finally, why the hell would I know where humans live?"

    Lyle decides to hop in on the conversation and says, "I mean, dude, you went down on a human once, right? We figured you'd be the expert!"

    Heather's expression shifts to being mortified, before it's replaced with great anger. "I only did that once, you fucking asshole!"

    "And no, I don't know where humans live! Go ask Ray! Now fuck off!" she yells down at them.

    Lyle starts talking again with, "But how did- "

    "LEAVE!" Heather roars, furious.

    Within moments, the two are off with baby in tow. Behind them they leave only dust.

---

    "Well that went well," Irwin says sarcastically.

    "Right?" Lyle says sincerely.

    Irwin rolls his eyes at the Seviper as they move through the forest.

    The soft blues and pastel greys around them are complemented by a soft and cool breeze in the summer night. Whilst they continue, leaves rustle and twigs snap beneath the weight of the steel type and the snake.

    "Okay, so, we didn't find where the humans live," Irwin begins.

    "Yes," Lyle replies as he slithers along.

    "We *did* find out who knows, though," Irwin continues

    "Right," Lyle says.

    "So where does Ray live?" Irwin asks, not entirely certain where to find the Smeargle in the dead of night.

    They continue walking, trying to remember where the painter could be found. As they do this, they stop paying attention to where they're going.

    And then it hits them.

    "Ow!" three Pokémon cry as they crash into each other, Irwin and the other Pokémon falling on their collective asses as they rub their skulls.

    Irwin looks up at whoever the jack ass is who couldn't watch where they were going, only to find…

    "Oh shit, speak of Giratina! Ray!" Lyle exclaims as he realizes who crashed into them.

    Ray gets up and looks at the two with a raised eyebrow and a tilted head. "Irwin? Lyle? What are you two doing out here in the middle of the night?" he asks as he gathers together art supplies he'd dropped on the ground.

    Irwin gets up as well, and dusts himself off as he answers, "We were looking for you, dude!"

    Ray looks at Irwin, art supplies gathered.

    "I mean, that's cool, but it's four hours until sunrise. What're you even doing up?" Ray asks, confused.

    Irwin sighs, and says, "Well, we were looking for Todd- "

    "Todd?" Ray asks.

    "Yeah, y'know, the Gloom?" Irwin replies as he decides to continue walking, Ray and Lyle following along.

    "Wait, the drug dealer?!" Ray exclaims, surprised.

    Irwin holds a single paw finger to Ray's mouth and says, "Shut up- look, the point is, we couldn't find Todd. Instead we found… this."

    Ray looks at Irwin quizzically, before the Lucario steps out of the way to reveal the baby human sleeping on Lyle's back.

    "A human baby? Out here?" Ray asks, baffled.

    "We know - that's why we were looking for you," Lyle says.

    Ray shakes his head and replies, "Hey, I didn't have anything to do with this, guys."

    "No, we know, we're trying to get it to a human settlement. We don't want a bunch of trainers on our ass 'cause they think we stole a baby," Irwin says, gesturing again to the sleeping infant.

    "Huh, okay," Ray says. His eyes look to the top right corner corner of his vision as he thinks.

    "Uh… I know where *a* human settlement is, but it's a walk," Ray finally lets out.

    Irwin and Lyle suddenly seem a touch more excited, and move a bit closer to Ray - much to his discomfort.

    "Awesome! Which way is it; how long's the walk?" Lyle asks.

    Ray points to the left and says, "It's about three hours that way on foot. You can't miss it."
    
    Lyle brings up the flat end of his tail-blade and high fives Irwin. The both of them, happy to have a lead, turn to Ray and say, "Thanks Ray!"

    As they scurry off to complete their mission, Ray tries to add, "Oh, watch out for the Zubat's… nest…"

    But they're already long gone.

---

    
    "We're on our way, 'mon - we got this!" Lyle exclaims excitedly as they power-walk and power-slither to their destination.

    "Hell yeah, dude! Shit, after this is done, we gotta figure out where Todd went," Irwin replies. "I wanna get stoned and *relax*."

    "Fuckin' same," Lyle says in response.

    As they continue, the trees seem to get thicker. They don't get more densely packed, no, they literally get thicker individually as trees. The duo would be impressed if they were paying attention at all.

    The duo instead keep walking, ignoring the changing scenery around them.

    They continue their banter, unimpeded by any sudden Pokémon or obstacles.

    Eventually, after about an hour, they come to a massive fissure in the ground, over which a massive hollow tree lay.

    "Holy shit," says Irwin. "Now that's a fuckin' tree!"

    "Yeah, no kidding!" Lyle replies. "It's huge, 'mon!"

    Irwin looks around them, and realizes that the tree may be their only way to cross the gorge for miles.

    Lyle, realizing this too, says, "Welp, guess we're going through the tree."

    Irwin replies simply with a, "Yup," before entering the extremely dark tree.

    Lyle moves the baby into a slower, but safer, position so that he doesn't drop it while they wander through a dark wooden passageway.

    "You got the baby secure, right?" Irwin asks as they make their way through the long tree.

    "'Course, 'mon - I'm not an idiot," Lyle replies playfully.

    Irwin hesitates in answering, before just saying, "Sure."

    Then Irwin trips on a random knot in the wood. He crashes forward like a piece of metal, leaving a precarious dent on the inside of the tree, and a massive 'konk' sound in the air.

    "Ow! Fucking shit!" exclaims the Lucario.

    "Oh damn, dude, you okay?" Lyle asks concernedly.

    And then they hear a sharp 'Keeee'.

    And then another one.

    And another one.

    Lyle and Irwin both simultaneously say, "Uh-oh."

    Within moments, a massive swarm of Zubat is upon them as Irwin scrambles to get up and Lyle slithers off as quickly as he can.

    A disorienting mess of Zubat calls ring around the pair's ears as they run for the end of the tree. They collide with each other, the walls of the tree, and incoming Zubats in the confusion.

    Eventually, the two Pokémon come tumbling out the end in a tangled ball of Seviper and Lucario.

    They crash into a rock, dazing the two of them as a totally untouched human infant lies asleep atop Irwin and Lyle.

    The Zubats fly off into the night behind them, blasting off into the distance, where they look like nothing more than a particularly blue cloud.

    Lyle recovers first, and slithers off of Irwin with the baby on his back once again.

    "Hey dude, y'alright?" he asks the Lucario while cracking the joints in his neck.

    Irwin looks over at Lyle with a dazed expression, ears still ringing. He opens his mouth, and gingerly says, "Gimme… like, ten minutes. Please."

    Lyle simply nods. "You got it, dude," he says supportively.

    And then they wait.
    After a ten minute break, the two start off again on their trek.
    
    "Hey Lyle, remember how I said not to eat children?" Irwin asks.

    "Yeah, I remember," Lyle replies.

    "You can eat Zubat children," Irwin says bitterly. "Fuck Zubats."

    Lyle does a little tail pump and says, "yesss!"

    They both keep walking, eventually passing by all familiarity. Now, another hour into their journey, if they were to pay attention to their surroundings, they would realize that they have no clue where they are.

    The trees around them become a little less vibrant. The ground becomes more soil, and less grass. The roots of the trees are all gnarled and knotted. There are only mushrooms and weeds populating the ground.

    And a pair of red eyes is staring at them from the trees.

    "… and that's why we don't have a sauna cave any more," says Irwin, finishing a story.

    "Oh shit, no way! 'Mon, that sucks," Lyle states, bummed at the lack of saunas in their forest community.

    "And that isn't the only thing that sucks!" exclaims a voice from above the two.

    Irwin and Lyle look to see a Zangoose drop down from the trees. The red zig-zags and white fur gleam dangerously in the night as the Zangoose glares at the two.

    "You are trespassing on my territory! That, as you say, sucks as well!" the Zangoose nearly shouts in a bizarre accent.

    Lyle points his tail at the Zangoose and says, "Uh… who the fuck are you?"

    The Zangoose goes 'hmph' with a smirk, and says, "They call me many things! I am known far and wide for my ruthlessness, my cunning, and my prowess!"

    Lyle interrupts his monologue with, "Prowess in what?"

    "You name it, slither boy!" the Zangoose says with an annoying laugh. "My name is Kyle, and I challenge you two to combat for the privilege of living in my territory!"

    Irwin and Lyle both look at each other, before Irwin says, "Uh, we're just passing through, my guy. We're trying to get to the human settlement."

    Kyle eyes Lyle suspiciously as he responds to Irwin with, "Is that so?"

    Kyle grins a big toothy grin. He walks closer to the pair of Pokémon, causing both of them to tense up and be weary of the hostile Zangoose.

    "Hmph. You two must be week," Kyle says smugly. "Hah, very well then! You both may continue on your way! However! If I find you coming back through the forest, I will strike you down before you even understand what happened!"

    "Tata for now, boys~ !" Kyle exclaims, before jumping back into the trees and making a hasty retreat.

    Irwin and Lyle look at each other, shrug, and continue on their way.

    "'Mon, what a fuckin' weirdo, dude," Lyle says.

    "No kidding. That guy sounds like he's fucking nuts," Irwin replies.

    Lyle shakes his head at that. "Well yeah, but that's not what I'm talking about."

    "Then what *are* you talking about?" Irwin asks.

    "Like, didn't you feel that, dude? He's got this aura to him. It's like… I don't know, he makes me feel stabby," Lyle says, stabbing his tail into the air for emphasis.

    "That *is* pretty weird," Irwin states. "Why do you think that is?"

    Lyle tilts his head in thought. After a moment, he brightens up and says, "Dunno!"

    "Well, we're not going back there anyways, so I guess it doesn't matter," Irwin says.

    And as they leave that portion of the forest, they never notice the red eyes watching them.

    A threatening smile spreads from within the trees, and the Zangoose chuckles to himself as he watches his prey wander off - eagerly anticipating their inevitable return all the while.
    'Welcome to Eterna City!' says a sign as Irwin and Lyle stand in front of it an hour after their encounter with a Zangoose.

    Irwin looks at it, paw grasping his chin in thought. Examining the wooden sign thoroughly, he 'hmm's' and 'yes, I see's all the while. Eventually, he snaps his paw-fingers and says, "Okay!"

    "What is it, dude?" asks Lyle.

    Irwin simply replies with, "I can't read."

    Lyle let's out an 'Ohh,' and nods sagely. "Same here."

    "Based off all the buildings behind the sign, though, I'm pretty sure we're here," Irwin says.

    "So what do we do now?" Lyle asks.

    Irwin looks down at Lyle and says, "Simple - we find an important looking building, and drop it off there."

    Lyle nods, replying with, "Makes sense."

    With that, they enter the city.

    Neither Pokémon having ever been to a human city, they find themselves somewhat amazed at the sheer scope of the settlement. Instead of a collection of dens scattered throughout a forest, they see massive buildings. All of them are close together, and seem like they could hold hundreds of Pokémon in them.

    As they walk the streets of Eterna City, baby in tow, they hear the buzz of old street lights. The smell of pavement and the sounds of a sleeping city surround Irwin and Lyle as they continue, wandering the streets aimlessly in search of just the right building.

    Eventually, they come across a building that sticks out from the rest. Its more dome-like roof and reasonable height make it feel very distinct, and the big brown half-circle with dot in the middle seems like some sort of important symbol to Irwin and Lyle.

    As they walk up to the entrance, passing by an 'Eterna City Gym' sign, they take a moment to reflect on their journey up to this point.

    'That fuckin' sucked,' Lyle thinks.

    'Oh thank Arceus, we're done!' Irwin thinks.

    Irwin gently lifts the bundled up baby and gingerly lays it at the door of the gym. He knocks on the door with all his Fighting/Steel strength, denting it, before he grabs Lyle and they both run off to where they know they won't be seen.

    As they reach their temporary hideout behind a big rock, though, Lyle suddenly has a concerning thought.

    "Hey Irwin?" Lyle begins.

    "Yeah?" Irwin answers.

    "How are we gonna get home if we can't go the way we came?" Lyle asks, concerned.
    
    "Oh, simple, we… !"

    …

---

    The next morning, Gardenia was heading to work.

    She'd just done something painfully difficult the night before, all for the sake of her career.

    She was still a little numb from it all, honestly. She wasn't sure how to feel.

    As she walks up to her gym, she finds a little bundle at its doorstep.

    A baby, with a little orange curl on its head.

    "Goddamnit," is all Gardenia says as she sees that she entirely wasted her time last night.

    Nevertheless, she picks up the baby. "I guess I should take this as a sign, then. That old forest has some nasty spirits in there - I should probably take this as a hint, bite the bullet, and keep the damn thing."

    The baby itself finally awakens from its slumber, and gazes up at her mother warmly.

    Gardenia looks back at it with a blank expression.

    "Welp. Time for work," she eventually says, walking into her gym for the day with her child

    To be continued...