Ionization (Slight M)

So overall, I have to say I was really impressed by this first chapter. It was a neat read and I liked a lot of the concepts (like the sign language using Golett and Dawn being older)

There is one thing I do wanna bring up.


So is this saying that Mathilda is from Sinnoh or was this a miss-typing? Cause from what you've written it looks like the character Mathilda is from Unova so the part "instead of your home region" kinda is a bit contradictory.

Also, a little speculation on my part (and feel free to answer or shoot down if you want to) but as of first reading this, it sounds like Mathilda either has inspiration from/or is Hilda. At least conceptually wise and all. I can picture it. All in all, good read!

Alright so, this is a new concept. I mean, the whole idea of a journey fic is pretty well known, but not the idea of the main character being a former villain. Once that revelation I got dropped, it started becoming clear to me why this story might be rated M. I imagine some Pokemon abuse flashbacks and PTSD will be happening in the upcoming chapters.  So depending on how you progress this story, this could actually serve as an interesting character study about people who have escaped from cults.  I'm mostly imaging a scenario where Mattie somehow runs into some remnants of Team Plasma and having to deal with that, since it would be such a cool, yet distressing moment for her.

I don't really have much to say in regards to criticism due to the fact that only two chapters are up right now, but one suggestion I have is for you to embellish certain scenes in later chapters.  For example, take this scene:



While this isn't too bad, I feel like you could describe things a bit more.  Like what exactly were those kids doing?  Were they playing with their Pokemon, talking to their Pokemon, looking through their pokedex?  It would help add to the atmosphere.  

That's all I've got to say for now!  I think I will keep an eye on this and see where it goes.

Hello, my friends. I bring you the next installment of the shenanigans of Mattie and Yossele. Please enjoy.

I can’t sleep. I need to sleep, but jetlag’s killing me, and the Jubilife traffic is murder on my ears, even at night. I’d arrived earlier that evening, since I really didn’t want to be around Sandgem anymore after yesterday’s stupidity, and rented a room at a cheap hotel. Apparently “cheap” actually means “paper-thin walls.” Arceus, this is just like fucking Castelia. I wrap my pillow around my ears, trying to block out the wail of car horns, screeching tires, and – are people shouting at each other?!

“Shut up, it’s 2 in the fucking MORNING!” I wail. No one hears me but Yossele, who’s resting at the foot of the bed. He turns to me and signs something. “Can’t see it, buddy, it’s too dark,” I mutter, burying my head in the pillow again. He quietly walks over to where my head is resting. There’s a soft glow to Yossele in the darkness of the room, a common trait in the golett line. I think it’s so they’re able to find each other in their native home of the Dragonspiral Tower, but it’s hard to say for sure. At any rate, I can see him a little more clearly now, so I can understand him.

{I was trying to ask if you were alright,} he repeated, {but I think that answers the question.} He kneels next to me, placing a hand on my side. {Do you need something? I can go to the front desk and ask for something. I’ll write it down so I won’t need to sign.}

“Think I just gotta walk a little,” I mutter. I roll out of my bed, nearly falling on my face, and pull on my hoodie and a pair of jeans. I’m about to leave the room when Yossele taps my side. “WHAT?!” I yell.

He’s holding my belt.

“Oh, uh…sorry, Yosie,” I mumble apologetically, groggily looping the brown leather belt along my waist. “Thanks. Sorry for yelling.”

{You want me to come with you?} Yossele asks. {I’m worried about you.}

“You always are,” I respond, patting his head sleepily. “Sure, why not? Let’s have a night on the town.” I thrust open the door, not really thinking about controlling my voice (or what I’m saying). “Just you and me, two weirdoes from Unova who don’t know what the FUCK we’re doing!”

I’m about to keep yelling into the hallway when someone sticks their head out of their door. “Hey, can you keep it down?” the boy asks, his curly black hair a mess in front of his face. “People are trying to sleep right now.”

My cheeks feel very hot. Arceus dammit, I’m an asshole. “Sorry, I’m being stupid,” I respond. “Did I wake you?”

“Surprisingly, no,” the boy laughs, placing his hand on the back of his neck. “I just forgot to take my melatonin, so I couldn’t sleep, and I lost track of time reading.”

“Wait, what’s a melatonin?” I ask sleepily.

“It’s medicine that helps you sleep. It’s not a sleeping pill, per sé, but it’s, like, a pill that gives you an extra dose of your natural sleep hormone to help you sleep better. It’s totally natural, so you don’t have to-”

“So it helps you sleep?” I interrupt. “’Cause if it is, can I have some? Need to get rid of this fucking jetlag somehow.”

The boy sighs. “I shouldn’t give you some, because my mom would kill me if she knows I gave people pills without a prescription – because she’s a doctor, and doctors get kinda anal about that – but these are mostly okay. Here, I’ll cut you a deal.” He holds up a hand, basically signaling for me to wait, leaves for a second, and comes back with a small bottle filled with tiny orange pills. “I’ll give you a normal dose of melatonin, just for tonight. Sound good?”

“Sure, I guess.” I clumsily walk over to him, and he gives me one little orange pill. “Is this gonna be okay?” I ask skeptically.

“Yeah, it should,” he responds. “Hope it works, I guess.” He gives a little wave, and closes the door behind him. Nodding, I turn to go back to my own bedroom.

Where I see Yossele with my PokéGear in his hands, a red light shining near the screen.

“Why’re you recording me, Yosie?” I ask, popping the pill into my mouth and swallowing.

{You'll see tomorrow,} he says, walking over to the door and plopping himself in front of it. He always does this, acting like a living barricade. {Get some rest.}

I nod, throw my hoodie on the floor again, and basically fall onto my pillow.

And this time, after a couple of minutes, sleep comes easily.


“Holy SHIT, how stupid was I last night?!”

{Very stupid, thanks for asking.}

I’m watching the video that Yossele recorded last night, and I don’t whether to be mad at myself for being so idiotic, or maybe just disappointed. The footage is embarrassing to watch. Did I seriously learn nothing about situations like this from being a woman in this Arceus-damned world?

“It’s, like, what if that had actually been drugs?” I continue, facepalming as hard as I can. “What if, Yosie?”

{Well, I would have punched him,} he responds, showing a strange sort of calm as he says this, {and then I would’ve taken you to a hospital, and then, after you woke up, I would slap you for being stupid.}

“Yeah, yeah, please, go on and tell me how stupid I am again.”

{You were being very stupid, though.}

“I KNOW, THOUGH!”

I suddenly hear a knock on the door. My cheeks get really hot when I realize what that must’ve sounded like. “I…should probably get that,” I mumble as I get the door.

The boy from last night is waiting outside, a thick pair of glasses I didn’t notice before resting on his nose. His hands are in his pockets, and I notice that his pockets are pulsing in and out, like his hands are tapping inside them.

“Uh…hey,” I say, feeling a little awkward. “You been standing there long?”

He lets out a little laugh. “Nah, not really,” he says. “Heard a little bit, though. I take it you were talking to the golett,” as he motions to Yossele, who is standing close to me with his arms crossed.

“Yeah, but I probably sounded a little nuts, didn’t I?” I joke, feeling a little better that he didn’t actually think I was crazy. “He signs, so we were actually talking, just to clarify.”

“Fair enough.” We both let out some awkward chuckles, and then let a somewhat uncomfortable silence fall between us. The boy takes a breath. “I…actually wanted to apologize for last night. That was totally sketchy of me, just offering literal pills to someone who was clearly zonked out of their mind from exhaustion, and I don’t want to come off as creepy to you. So…I’m sorry.”

“Hey, we both acted badly last night,” I say with a slight giggle. “You coulda come off as creepy, I was acting like one of those dumb girls in the shitty PSA’s you see in health class.”

“Oh, you mean the ones where the teachers try to shame you into never going out with your friends?”

“That’s the one.”

We both break into fits of nervous laughter, the tension dissipating from the room. We were both being weird and stupid last night. Nothing happened, and we both feel bad, so let’s just forget that happened.

“So,” I continue, “in my exhausted stupor, I never introduced myself last night.” I extend a hand. “My name’s Mattie Kasdan.”

“Blake Franklin,” he responds, giving it a vigorous shake, his darker-skinned hand nearly enveloping mine. “Good to actually meet you when we’re not both zonked out from exhaustion.”

I’m about to respond, but an acute rumbling in my stomach stops me in my tracks. Thinking back on it, I didn’t have all that much for dinner last night, and my digestive tract is not letting me forget it.

“Hey, could we move the conversation to the breakfast area?” I ask. “I’m starving.”

‘Uh, sure, I guess. Don’t really have that much else going on right now.” He backs up from the doorway. “You bringing your friend along?” he asks, motioning to Yossele.

“Yeah, but he doesn’t need anything,” I respond. I wave at his head. He doesn’t move from his accusatory stance. “No mouth.”

“Got it,” Blake laughs. “So, shall we commence with the eating?”

“Yes, let’s.”


Breakfast is quiet and awkward. Clearly both of us still feel weird about what happened last night, but there’s more to it than that. Yossele’s always been a little distrusting of people he doesn’t know that well, and the incident with the Plasma wannabe and what happened last night aren’t helping matters. He barely moves throughout the meal, his unmoving yellow eyes boring into Blake as he eats. Needless to say, there’s not much talking.

When Blake gets up for seconds, I feel a tap on my leg.

{I find this whole situation odd,} he says. {He gives you pills, then wants to have breakfast with you? I find it hard to trust someone like that.}

{I get that,} I sign back, {but I kinda feel bad. I probably disturbed him last night, and at least he’s trying to be nice instead of chewing me out.}

{Just keep your guard up, please?}

{I think this guy’s gonna be okay, Yosie. I’ll be careful, but he’s not David. Or Vera.}

As I’m speaking, Blake returns, this time with a huge plate of bacon and sausage. “Uh, are you gonna eat all that?” I ask. “That’s a lot of meat.”

“I mean, some of it’s for me,” he says, taking a bite out of a bacon strip, “but most of it is for my buddy.” He reaches down for his belt and grabs a Pokéball of his own. I raise my eyebrows. The ball itself has a grey top with blue knobs protruding in a circular formation. I recognize this as a Heavy Ball, from the Johto Region. “Breakfast time, Ally,” he says, tossing the ball.

A brown, lizard-like pokémon with a huge head and white collar scruff emerges from the ball, arching its back and stretching its gaping maw in a very visible yawn. It takes a moment, sniffs the air, then leaps onto Blake’s lap before ramming its face into the plate of meat. After practically swallowing every atom of food and licking the plate clean, he turns to Yossele and me, letting out a few barks and grunts.

“Mattie, meet Ally,” Blake exclaims, scratching the ridge above the tyrunt’s eyebrows. “He’s been my friend ever since I unearthed him a few years ago. He’s a bit feisty, especially in the mornings.” As he’s saying this, Ally jumps off of Blake and runs over to Yossele, where he wraps his jaws around his arm and begins to lightly…chew on him. “Oh, and he nibbles new people.”

“I, uh, I can see that,” I say as the tyrunt moves to me. The “nibbling” actually didn’t hurt at all, as Ally didn’t seem to have a lot of teeth save the canines in front. The jaw muscles felt very strong, though, and I couldn’t help but think that he could probably snap my leg in half if he chomped down hard enough. “You from Johto?”

“Wait, how’d you know?”

“You summoned Ally out of a Heavy Ball. Aren’t those, like, only made in Johto?”

“Good catch,” he laughs. “Yeah, I’m from Blackthorn. I dug Ally up when I was goofing around in the Shimo Caverns, and revived him in Pewter when my dad went there for work.”

“Wait, what’s the Shimo Caverns?”

He gives me a confused look, and quickly facepalms. “Right, you’re probably not from Johto, considering the golett.”

“Unova, actually,” I say. “Icirrus.”

“Got it.” He sighs heavily. “Yeah, that’s the local name for the Ice Path. Sometimes forget that people don’t call it-”

“Ow! Ow, that’s a little too hard,” I yelp as Ally bites a bit more firmly on my leg, breaking the skin a little.

“Hey! Ally, come back, you’re hurting her,” Blake commands. Ally, hearing his friend’s order, rushes over to his side, where the Trainer gives him a light smack on the snout. “You gotta stop doing that, nibbles,” he jokes, “I just met her.” He gives the dinosaur one more poke on the snout before putting the plate back on the table.

“Dude, just because he hurt me doesn’t give you any right to hit your friend,” I remark. “How do you think he feels about that?”

“You know, I can kinda see where you’re coming from,” Blake responds, “but to be honest, I’m not entirely sure how much he even felt it.” He rubs Ally’s snout. “Tyrunt have very tough skin, especially on the snout. Honestly, I didn’t really hit him, just let him know that it’s not okay to bite people.” He gives me a strange look. “Have you never had to do that before?”

I’m a little taken aback. That looked a lot like a slap to me. But when I look at Ally, I don’t see a look of fear or resentment on his face, but rather one of acknowledgement. I don’t have the ability to hear the voices of pokémon like Lord N does, but it’s written pretty clearly on his face that the tyrunt doesn’t view Blake’s actions as all that harsh. In fact, almost as soon as Blake stops talking, Ally starts nibbling on his leg.

“Heh, he’s pretty relentless,” I say, trying to change the subject. “Kinda like the family purrloin when she was teething.”

“I’ll say,” Blake says. He chuckles, and his face suddenly lights up. “Hey, I know this is a bit random, but after we’re finished, do you want to have a battle?”

He’s right, it is a bit random. However, the second that he says the word battle, Ally’s eyes grow wide, and he starts snorting rapidly, almost in anticipation.

“Your friend certainly looks up to it,” I say. Looking to Yossele, I ask, “You up for a battle?”

He crosses his arms, his foot tapping in contemplation. {I'll allow it,} he responds. {Maybe seeing how he interacts with his friend in battle will show how trustworthy he is.}

(Definitely worth a shot,} I sign back. “Okay,” I respond verbally, “I’ll take you up on that offer.”

“Awesome! Let’s meet outside the hotel, there’s a good courtyard not too far from here.”

“Sounds like a plan.”


Thankfully it isn’t too difficult for us to get a waiter’s attention, and within half an hour, we’ve gotten the check and left the building. We’re outside in a wide-open park. There’s a children’s playground not too far from us, but it’s a school-day, so not many people are outside. Yossele is cracking his knuckles, loosening his joints for the bout ahead, while Ally is pacing near his Trainer, snapping his jaws in the air, almost like he’s trying to catch some invisible bug.

“Do you want to have a wager on this,” I ask Blake, “or is this just for fun?”

“Eh, I don’t really feel the need to bet money on this,” he responds. “This is, what, your first battle in Sinnoh.”

“Second, actually, but the first guy was a total asshole. But sure, no money on this one.”

“Fair enough.” He places his hand on Ally’s snout. “You ready, buddy?” The dinosaur gives a loud snort in response, digging into the soil with his foot.

“Alright, battle number 2, Yosie,” I say to Yossele. “What are you seeing from Ally?”

{He looks strong,} he responds. {These two seem far more experienced than David and his charge were.} He leans forward. {The jaws are well-developed, but his legs are toned and look pretty powerful. He’s likely going to be much faster than me.}

“Well then, we’ll just have to outlast them. Think you can do that?”

The golett slams his fists together and assumes his stance. {Let’s see.}

“Ready when you are, Mattie,” I hear Blake exclaim.

“Alrighty then.” I see Yossele’s hands flare with ghostly energy. Time to go. “Hit him hard and fast. Shadow Punch!”

The rune on Yossele’s fist flares as he launches himself towards his opponent, his jet-arms adding to his speed.

“Ally, heads up!” Blake yells. A little too late, I think.

However, just as Yossele is about to slam into the tyrunt’s snout, his jaws, almost faster than my eye can process, envelop the golett’s fist, latching onto his arm. Yossele begins to squirm, trying desperately to pull his arm from the dinosaur’s maw, going as far as to expel some jet energy in an attempt to escape.

“Right where you want him, buddy! Bite attack, let's go!”

The tyrunt’s teeth begin to glow, and he begins to…chew on Yossele’s arm. It looks strange, but the attacks are clearly hurting the golett, judging from the high-pitched screeching coming from its body.

“Shit, that’s not good. Yossele, try to knock him off with a Stomping Tantrum!”

Upon hearing the order, Yossele lifts the tyrunt into the air, only to repeatedly slam him into the ground in an almost petulant display of rage. Between the slams, I notice that he’s also inserting spare Shadow Punches with his off hand in a desperate attempt to dislodge Ally from his arm.

Clearly it isn’t having an effect, as his grip was as steady as ever.

“Ally, Ice Fang,” Blake commands. “Keep up the pressure!”

I can almost hear a chuckle coming from the tyrunt’s jaw. On cue, a thin layer of ice begins to coat his teeth, and he begins chewing again with renewed vigor, even quickly snapping the jaws open and shut to deal more damage.

Wait…

“Yosie, find an opening to escape his-”

“Ally, slam the golett to the ground and Stomp him to keep him there!”

As if reading his Trainer’s mind, the tyrunt uses his powerful maw to flip Yossele onto the ground, and roughly slams his foot onto the golett’s crest, preventing him from using his legs, all the while continuing to chomp into Yosie’s arm.

I think he’s had enough.

“Yosie, can you go any longer?” I plead. In response, the golett lightly uses his free hand…

To tap Ally’s snout in surrender.

“Alright, that’s enough, bud. Let him go.” To my surprise, Ally complies quickly, releasing Yossele from his iron grip. I rush over to my fallen friend, potion in hand. As I look over at Blake, I see a potion in his hand as well, spraying his friend with the rejuvenating substance. Well, at least Yosie got a couple of licks in.

“How you doing, buddy?” I ask as I kneel down next to him.

{My assessment stands,} he weakly signs. {He’s strong.}

“Clearly.”

There’s a momentary pause as I begin to spray Yossele with the potion, thankful that he isn’t totally out cold. Unlike with the battle with David, this bout went the way that they normally should, with both fighters still conscious.

{There is trust.}

“What was that?” I ask.

{The tyrunt. Ally. He clearly trusts his Trainer. It’s very different from what I saw with David and his pokémon.} He looks up at me. {I’ll trust him too.}

“Good to know.” I turn to Blake as I help Yossele to his feet again. “Hear that, pill boy? Yosie trusts you now.”

“I read you loud and clear, Mattie,” he laughs. He pats Ally on the shoulder. “I’m impressed. Your Yossele’s pretty good.”

“I dunno, I get the feeling that Ally had me beat from the start.”

“Yeah, but that Stomping Tantrum very nearly turned the tide." He points to Ally's jaw. "I don’t know what you saw from your perspective, but it looked to me like your friend almost ripped a tooth out. That’s stupidly impressive."

{As should be excepted from someone of my power,} Yossele signed.

“Of course,” I whisper to the golett. Turning back to Blake, I continue, “Being serious, it takes a lot to get Yossele to trust someone, and especially considering last night, you’ve definitely proven yourself to the both of us.” I give Yossele a look. “If it’s all the same to you, would you want to stick around? Yosie and I were gonna head to Oreburgh soon, and I think it’ll be nice to go with other people.” I turn back to Yossele, who gives me a curt nod. He’s not against it.

“Actually, I was gonna ask the same thing,” Blake says. “I figured you were going to Oreburgh if you really are just starting out, and Oreburgh Gate has been a little tricky for a bit. Safety in numbers, and all that.”

“Couldn’t agree more.” I reach out my hand, and Blake reciprocates with a nice, firm handshake. “Let’s rest our pokémon for a bit, maybe head out later. Late afternoon sound good to get moving?”

“Sounds good. Meet back here around 3:30?”

“We’ve got a plan.”

As we start to head back to the hotel, exchanging numbers as we walk, I can’t help but breathe a sigh of relief. It’s Day 4, and I’ve actually met someone nice.

I’ll take it.

Yeah I too would be sketchy about being offered a pill due to some consequences with that. Blake and Mattie’s interactions went off to an awkward start, but it seems things are better off now. And cool to see Tyrunt being used in battle there!

Wow poor Mattie experiencing her friend's death there. I've always liked it when stories show the consequences of being in a gang and highlight that grunts have lives and friends too. Good thing Roark helps her calm down and also not bothered too much what Mattie did in the past. And aw, the Zubat is cute. Looking forward how the Zubat's like.

Man, Jonathan is adorable. I've always thought zubat are both very cute and probably really interesting in a fic context, given their interesting movepool and high mobility (I've had this idea in my head for ages about someone who goes around with like three or four zubat that fight in tandem, but given that I don't really write battle-heavy fics I haven't got round to it yet), and you're definitely proving me right here.

I always like a training chapter, too – like, there are so many takes on how Gyms and training work, and I'm just fascinated to see how other people interpret these things. I like your Gym, with the trainers providing real tutelage for prospective challengers, and given that your pokémon are at the higher end of the sentience scale, your training is pretty interesting, too; there's a lot more discussion than I normally see in these scenes, which makes your take feel more distinctive.

Other than that, here's a round-up of little things:


“Per se” doesn't have an accent on it.


I think that should be “was” rather than “had”.


Might work a bit better to not repeat “interesting” so quickly like that. Also, “embedded” is spelled with an E.

While the concept of an arc hen is intriguing, I feel like you probably meant “archen”.


This repetition of “shoulder” is definitely a bit much.


I'm not sure why he's whispering. Seems like a weird thing to do, honestly.


Although there are exceptions, generally, putting the adverb in between the pronoun and the verb reads awkwardly – I'd have Mattie respond grimly, rather than grimly respond.


Sometimes a comma splice works, sometimes it doesn't. I think I'd probably replace the comma after “all” with a semicolon, because as it stands “after all” is kinda awkwardly torn between the two joined sentences.

Next time, I guess, we're looking at Mattie's first Gym challenge, and the return of that annoying guy from the beginning of the fic. That's … well, that's certainly going to be interesting. Looking forward to it!

I too thought the Zubat is adorable too. Such a speedy and hungry creature there, haha.

I've seen a few fics where the gym trainers have a bigger role in gyms, so it's cool to see Darius helping Mattie there. Blake and Roark's enthusiasm for dinosaurs is cute also. Looking forward to the gym battle!

Alright, so quick update before the next chapter. Which is this post, by the way, don't worry. However, my schedule is going to be stupid for the next month and a half or so, so I'm going to be focusing on my studies for a while. As such, I'm probably not gonna be able to post the next chapter, let alone start it, until at least May 11th. It's not going away, but I need to be focused on writing a dissertation.

With all that bad news out of the way, here's Chapter 6!


“Alright, it’s Battle Day, guys. Yosie, Jonathan, talk to me.”

{So, if I remember correctly, Roark can only send out as many pokémon as the challenger has, so he’ll only have 2.}

“Right.” ~flip~ “More than likely, he’s gonna save his ace for last, since he’s the type of guy who’d give his opponents a fighting chance.”

“Actually, that’s a Sinnoh rule. If a Gym Leader is gonna use his ace, it’s required that he save it for last.”

“Okay, good to know.” ~skritch scratch~ “Write that down for…future…reference…got it. So, rampardos for last. What’re his other pokémon like, Blake?”

“Can’t say for sure, Leaders tend to have a lot of pokémon. However, I’d anticipate that he’d send out either some form of geodude or one of his fossils.”

“He has an Alolan form?”

“Yeah, he’s the one that I faced. That ‘mon’s new, though, and you have a ground type as an ace, so don’t – ow! Stop it!”

“Jonnie, get away from him!” ~grab~ “No biting!”

~scree scray!~

{I think he’s angry that you rely on me so much.}

“Arceus, you’re such a diva. Jonnie, I just caught you, and I’ve been training with Yossele for years. You’re great, and I mean no offense, but I just know Yosie a little better.”

~eeree…~

“It’s alright, bud, you’re still cool.”

“Honestly, I’d expect him to use his anorith. It’s a little faster than other first-stage ancient pokémon, so he could match Jonathan a little better, and his onix just evolved, so it’s ineligible to participate in the Rock-type Gym anymore.”

“That’s a thing?”

“It’s a thing.”

“Heh. Tell that to Blue from Kanto.”

“I mean, I don’t think he ever really cared about the rules, but he’s constructing a team of Ground-types now, so I think he’s going legit.”

“What a loss for rebels everywhere. Okay, so Jonathan first, then Yossele. Sound good, guys?”

{Sounds good.}

~scree!~

“Alright. Let’s go to the Gym.”


The front desk actually has someone manning it today. He’s on the older side, with graying hair and wide glasses. He greets me warmly, takes down my name, and ushers me towards the main room. Blake takes the opportunity to head to the seating area on the side of the arena, leaving me alone to enter the stadium proper.

It’s an intimidating sight when I first enter. The room itself is huge, with some of those same fossils I’d seen in the entrance plastered onto the walls. Creatures with wings, claws, giant teeth, and all sorts of other features. I can see why Blake loves this stuff so much. Even as bones, they’re beautiful. I see Blake sitting in the left-hand bleachers. He gives me a wave. I wave back. I can also see Roark at the other end of the stadium. I give him a nod. He gives me a smirk, but says nothing.

In the right-hand bleachers, I see a familiar set of blond locks. David’s eyes are boring into me, scrutinizing me. I notice his pokémon close to him. His elgyem has wrapped his arms gently around his neck, his head tilted to the side. And I can see his budew, bouncing up and down on David’s lap, seemingly enjoying itself, oblivious to its Trainer’s hostility. Against my better judgment, I approach him.

“Man, you must be psychic,” I say, putting on a fake smile. “Never would’ve guessed you’d be right about us meeting up again, but here we are.” I chuckle a bit. “You consult your elgyem for that little bit of ESP?”

“Maybe I did,” he replies. “Or maybe I just took a lucky guess. Either way, here we are.” I’m actually a little surprised how measured his tone is. It’s a far cry from the weird craziness I’d seen on Route 202. “Captured a new companion, I see.”

“Yeah, met Jonathan in the Oreburgh Gate. Helped him out of a jam.”

“And you stole him from his home.”

“More like he wouldn’t leave me alone. Soon as I helped him out he practically latched onto my shoulder.” Almost as if on cue, I feel Jonathan perch on top of my head. I scratch behind his ears somewhat absentmindedly. “What about your budew? How’d you find them?”

“She wandered up to me on 204. I took her in.”

“Freed her from a Trainer like you wanted to do on 202?”

“No Trainers around.”

“And you stole her from her home, then.”

“She wouldn’t leave me alone either.”

“Huh. It’s almost as if pokémon like being around people.”

“Seems that way.”

There are a few moments of uncomfortable silence between us. I’m almost relieved that he didn’t actually force someone to give up their pokémon, but I can’t help but be confused. Why would he be so hostile to me not much more than a week ago, and yet all of a sudden completely change his tune? Feels odd. I shrug, and walk onto the raised platform near me.

I’ll talk to him more later.

{Alright, Yosie, remember the plan?} I sign.

{Yes,} he responds. {Jonathan goes in first, takes on the first pokémon. He does as well as he can, then I take over.}

{Right, and what do we do with the rampardos?}

{Stall and learn. Figure out his strengths and weaknesses, maintaining Iron Defense for as long as I can.}

{And when the time is right, we break out the You-Know-What.}

{I’m very glad I finally learned a quake move. Hopefully the You-Know-What will be as effective in practice as in theory.}

{Absolutely.} I pull Jonathan off my head and hold him in front of me. “You ready?” I whisper to him.

He nods.

“Alright.” I face Roark. “Ready when you are.”

“Perfect,” he says. He stands up a little straighter. “Since it’s your first Gym Battle, let me inform you of the rules.” He clears his throat. “First, how many pokémon will you be battling with today?”

“Just two.” I motion to Jonathan and Yossele. “I mean, I haven’t caught anyone else since you last saw me.”

“No worries, just formality.” He clears his throat again. “Darius will act as the referee for each battle. He’s been taught to recognize when a pokémon is unable to battle, and will end each bout before either combatant is badly hurt.” He nods at Darius, who’s standing on a pedestal within the right-hand bleachers. “He’s done this before, so you can trust him.

“We will each use two pokémon, as that’s how many you have right now. If your party number should exceed the Leader’s in future bouts, you will have to match them instead of them matching you. You will be able to switch combatants if you wish, whereas I can’t. The battle is over when all of our combatants are unable to continue.” He pauses. “Is that clear enough?”

“Got it,” I reply, showing him my freshly written notes.

“Good. Let’s get started then. Darius, you ready?”

“Ready.”

“Perfect.” Roark unclips a Pokéball from his belt. “Then let’s begin! Come on out, Noma!”

Materializing on the battlefield in a flash of white-blue light, a small, green-and-black shrimp appears in front of Roark. Right on the money, Blake, good call. The anorith’s large, beady blue eyes scan the battlefield excitedly, its white-and-red legs letting it skitter quickly across the ground. As I motion for Jonnie to enter the arena, the anorith actually gives him a little wave. Arceus, that’s adorable.

“Let the match begin!”

No time for that, though. Let’s get this shit started.

“Jonnie, dive in for a Wing Attack, no hesitation!”

“Noma, out of the way!”

The zubat’s wings glow a dull white as he dive-bombs at his opponent. The anorith attempts to juke out of the way, but Jonnie is just that little bit too quick, landing a quick strike on its left side.

“Fury Cutter while he’s right there!”

Almost faster than I can react, and far too fast for Jonnie to avoid, the anorith lashes out with its claws, landing a direct hit on the zubat’s chest. It’s not enough to break the skin, but it looks like it hurts.

“Get out of there and hit him with Supersonic, throw him off balance!”

“Push through it and try to get in another Fury Cutter!”

Shit, that’s not good. Jonnie's still reeling from the first one, and another slash like that is bound to hurt even more. The zubat lets out a deafening screech in an attempt to prevent this, but the anorith brushes it off, leaping at him to land another slash. Its claw connects with his right wing, leaving a small gash on the upper finger. He’s starting to look a bit rough, but he has a way to combat this.

“Jonnie, try to Bite him, see if you can Absorb some of his stamina away!”

Not skipping a beat, Jonathan practically rams into Noma, knocking the anorith onto its back. He clamps down onto its belly and begins to chew on Noma – kinda reminds me of Ally – with his teeth shimmering a sickly green color. He doesn’t stay for long, but he definitely looks better as he swoops away.

“That’s more like it! Another Wing Attack, while it’s down!”

I can tell that Noma is still a little rattled from the Supersonic, as it’s taking a little while to right itself. Jonnie takes advantage of this with another dive-bomb, and this time the anorith is too confused to counter, instead slamming its hand into the ground.

“Noma, snap out of it!”

“Keep it up, Jonnie, you got this!”

The little zubat rams his glowing wings into the anorith a couple more times, even adding a little flourish to his second dive, turning to me afterwards. Not the time to be showing off, bud, he could recover any-

“Noma, use Water Gun!”

Oh, shit! I forgot anorith have range! “Jonnie, get out of the way!”

Noma, focusing her eyes and snapping out of its daze, launches a stream of water at the zubat. Jonnie, who isn’t concentrating on his opponent, is blindsided by the Water Gun, making him lose some altitude.

“Good job, girl!” Roark exclaims. “While he’s off balance, let’s finish this! Aerial Smack Down!”

Wait, aerial? Anorith can’t-

Before I can even respond, Noma points her mouth to the ground and shoots a Water Gun into the ground, launching herself into the air at blinding speed. Clearly she’s done this before, as she’s right on course to slam into Jonnie.

“Jonnie, MOVE!” I yell. However, it’s far too late, as Noma, stopping the water stream and orienting herself midair to face the zubat, smashes her face and claws into Jonathan, sending him careening to the ground. He lands hard, kicking up a small cloud of dirt as he slides on the floor.

“Arceus, Jonnie! Are you okay?”

In response, Jonathan weakly pushes his head off the ground. He gives off a quiet chirp, shaking his head. I don’t think he’s badly hurt, but he looks exhausted.

Which is only emphasized when he flops back down to earth, beaten.

“Mathilda’s zubat is unable to battle,” Darius calls out. “Roark’s anorith wins the bout.” He turns to me. “You can retrieve him from the battlefield.”

I nod, summoning his Pokéball from my belt and clicking the button. Jonnie’s small form fades into red light, which is quickly retracted into the confines of the red-and-white capsule.

“Showing off a little too much, buddy,” I say to him. I’d learned that pokémon can still hear the outside world from within the ball, so I want to say a few words. “Don’t focus on looking cute, focus on what’s in front of you.” I smile. “You still did really good, though. That was your first real battle, and you landed a bunch of hits. You should be proud. I know I am.” I look to Yossele. “Your turn. You good to go?”

{Let’s do this,} he responds, the runes on his hands flashing a bright blue. He jumps into the arena from where he was at my side, shaking the ground with his weight.

“Are both combatants ready?”

Roark, Yossele, and I all nod.

“Then begin!”

“Noma, Water Gun!”

“Dodge and use Magnitude!”

Noma lets loose another stream of water, but Yossele, despite his bulk, is able juke out of the way with his jets. I make sure to steady my feet as he slams his fists into the ground, launching his jet streams as hard as he can. It’s not as strong as it was on 202, but it’s enough to get the ground shaking pretty considerably. It clearly caught the anorith off balance, as she’s having trouble staying upright and avoiding the chucks of earth flying everywhere. She’s looking pretty battered.

“Quickly, try and finish her with a Shadow Punch combo!”

It looks like that’s what he's thinking anyway, since as soon as the quaking dies down even a little, he launches himself at the anorith, his fists blazing with ghostly flame. Noma tries to dodge, but Yosie just doesn’t miss with that move. His left fist connects with her jaw, lifting her slightly into the air before his right slams her back to earth.

It looks like that was enough, as Noma looks spent.

“Roark’s anorith is unable to battle. Mathilda’s golett wins the bout.”

I let out a sigh of relief, thankful that the battle didn’t take too long. I wave him over as Roark calls back his anorith.

“Nice job on ending that one so quickly,” I say.

{Thank you,} he replies. {Want to save my strength for the rampardos, so I’m glad that went so quickly.}

“That was impressive!” Roark calls out from the other end of the arena. “Your zubat did great, especially considering how other flying types tend to suffer here.” He turns to Darius. “And I gotta say, you were right on the money with her golett. Three moves and Noma was out. He’s downright scary.”

{I try,} Yossele quips, eliciting a laugh from Roark.

“Of course. I wouldn’t have it any other way.” He grabs another Pokéball from his belt. I recognize the yellow-and-black design. An Ultra Ball. “Fortunately,” he continues, “I have a scary one of my own. Show ‘em what you got, Moloch!”

As he tosses the ball into the arena, a massive gray-and-blue lizard slams into the arena. It paws the ground with its massive feet, letting out a low growl while giving us a smirk. It means business.

“You remember the plan?”

{Of course.}

“Cool, just checking.” I turn to Darius as Yossele re-enters the battlefield. “We’re ready.”

He gives me a nod. “And you, Roark?”

“Ready.”

“Then begin!”


“Moloch, Headbutt!”

“Yosie, Iron Defense!”

As the protective flame coats my body, I put up my arms in a defensive position. He’s too fast to dodge, so I just have to take it. Thankfully, my body is well-protected by my large arms, so when Moloch eventually does slam into me headfirst and rams me into the wall, it doesn’t hurt that badly. It still smarts, though.

“That was brave of you,” Moloch hisses, backing away slowly. “Not every day an opponent doesn’t even try to dodge.” He gives me a grin. “Pretty stupid, though.”

“Again, Moloch!”

The grin stays plastered on his face as he leans back for another charge. He leans back before he rams anyone. Must remember that.

“Dodge and hit him with Stomping Tantrum!”

Good move choice, Mattie, I think as I instinctively fire my jets to my left and jump out of the way. It is a mistake to call me stupid. I manage to evade his head at just the right moment, and as soon as my feet contact the earth, I let out another blast to launch myself back at the rampardos. He doesn’t have much time to react before I slam my fists repeatedly into his side. I try to hit him in the ribs. Hard to run properly if your chest hurts.

“Moloch, try to loop around him and use Zen Headbutt!”

That’s a new one. Moloch’s domed head glows with a pinkish tint as he whips around to attempt a slam with his head. Thankfully, because he doesn’t actually charge me and has no momentum, I’m able to bat his face away from me before it hits my chest.

“Take me seriously, Moloch,” I rumble, assuming my stance. “I know I’m strong enough to beat you.”

“I’ll try to remember that when you’re on the ground.”

“Noted.”

“Moloch, try another Headbutt!” I hear Roark order. “Knock him down!”

I know I’m starting to run low on energy, so I get creative. As he charges at me again, I quickly dig one fist into the ground and fire a jet pulse, launching some dirt into his face. The Headbutt still lands and pushes me away, but Moloch’s shaking his head, trying to clear the dirt from his eyes.

“Nice Mud Slap, Yosie!” I hear Mattie cheer. “Follow it up with a Shadow Punch!”

A ghostly flame covers my hand as I jet over to him. I slam my fist into the side of his head, making sure to avoid the dome on top and the spikes in the back. It connects with his jawline with a satisfying crunch, sending him reeling.

“Good job, Yosie, keep it up!”

If I could smile, I would be. Everything’s going according to plan for the moment. I take a second to evaluate my situation. All of his attacks rely on his head, that much is obvious. He also needs to rear back and charge if he wants a solid hit. His dome does the damage, but the side of his head and ribs are hurt.

I look at my opponent. Moloch’s breathing pretty heavily, but is definitely still able to fight. “Alright, now I’m impressed, kid,” he snarls. “Even though I’m going to beat you, you should know that you’re probably the best challenge I’ve had in weeks, and I’m including pokémon who beat me.”

“Thank you, but the fight’s not over yet.”

“Oh I haven’t forgotten that.” He lets out a short bark, pawing the ground. He’s getting ready for something; I can feel it. I assume a defensive stance.

“I can work with that. Go for broke, Moloch! Head Smash!”

Oh, Arceus protect me.

“Shit, get out of the-”

The only thing I see before I’m hit is Moloch’s head flaring with a fiery blue aura. Then, faster than a bullet, I feel an impact right on my chest sigil. It’s powerful enough that I lose concentration on my Iron Defense aura, which makes my collision with the side wall even more painful. I practically slide down the wall, only able to position my feet under me through sheer force of will.

“Yosie, are you okay?!” I hear Mattie scream. I don’t respond right away, as I’m trying to find Moloch again through my slightly hazy vision.

He's woozy. I hear him breathing heavily, almost hyperventilating even, shaking his head to reorient himself to me. He's pawing the ground with his feet, trying to find purchase on the floor to stabilize himself. I can see his eyes are slightly crossed, and there's a small bruise on the tip of his domed skull. So it hurts the user too? Didn’t realize that. I need to take advantage of this.

“Yosie, are you alright?” Mattie repeats. “Can you keep going?”

I think it’s time we end this.

I don’t give her a nod. Nor do I give her a thumbs-up. Instead, I lift up both my index fingers and give them a twirl. I turn to face her. She has a look of surprise on her face.

“You sure? Are you positive you can pull this off?”

I nod. She slowly returns the favor.

“Alright, then. Get ready.” There’s a bit of hesitation in her voice. I don’t blame her. We’ve never attempted this in a real battle before, so in all likelihood, I could easily screw it up.

It can’t hurt to try, though.

I can Roark trying to orient Moloch with his voice, and it looks like it’s working. He’s focused on me again.

“Moloch, hit him with another Headbutt! Should be enough to end it!”

Wait for it…

Moloch rears back on his heels. I begin charging my arm jets.

Wait for it…

He plants his foot down, and leans forward to charge.

NOW!!

“Yosie, QSS!”

Immediately, I slam my fists into the ground and launch a Magnitude attack, this one much more successful than the first. I feel the shockwave emanate from the epicenter from the blast, splintering the ground. And crucially, throwing off Moloch’s balance.

Quake.

As soon as I see him stumble, I launch my jets behind me and make a beeline towards the rampardos. I’m flying so fast, I’m not sure my feet are even touching the ground. Before I reach him, I glance up at the left-hand bleachers. At David. From the quick glimpse I get, he’s staring pretty intently at the battle, biting his lip to prevent himself from blurting out any nonsense.

Channel the rage like before. It'll be more powerful that way.

I lace my hands together and slam them into Moloch’s side, channeling my anger and frustration at David into the blow as I put a Stomping Tantrum into his ribs. The force of the blow is enough to knock him off his feet, hitting the ground with a thud.

Slam.

“Now, Yosie! Finish him with Shadow Punch!”

The familiar feeling of power wells up in my hand. I check Moloch’s jawline. There’s the bruise I left him earlier. I line up my fist.

Smash.


The room is silent for a moment. I see Yosie standing over Moloch, his right hand still coursing with ghostly energy. I’m holding my breath. And the rampardos isn’t moving.

Breathing. Definitely not badly hurt. But too tired to fight anymore.

“Roark’s rampardos is unable to battle,” Darius exclaims. “Mattie’s golett wins the bout. The challenger is victorious!”

I finally exhale, pumping my fist in relief. Blake’s cheering from the stands, and it’s a pretty funny sight, seeing him applaud all by himself.

David is silent and unmoving.

I look over to Yosie, whose shoulders have slumped forward in exhaustion. Looking at him, he’s looking a bit worse for wear. The sigil on his chest is a little dented, but it’s nothing a little potion can’t fix. He gives me a thumbs-up. I don’t even notice that Roark has clambered onto the arena until he waves me down. Yossele’s already moving towards him. As if on cue, stairs extend from the sides of my pedestal into the arena. I gingerly climb down the stairs, grabbing a potion from my hoodie as I move over to Roark.

“I think Darius was onto something when he warned me about your golett,” he says, a warm smile on his face. “He’s something to behold. You should be proud of him.”

“Thanks,” I respond, “but Moloch is super strong, too. I was super worried about that Head Smash.” I kneel down and start spraying Yosie where he looks the most damaged. “Not gonna lie, I thought you had me when Yosie’d slammed into the wall. Must’ve taken every ounce of strength he had to keep going.”

“Probably. Usually does the trick. Seems I can't bet on an all-out attack as a guarantee, huh?” Roark grabs Noma’s Pokéball from his belt, summoning her in a flash of light. She still looks tired, but still gives us a bit of a wave as she materializes. I do the same with Jonnie, having him materialize on my shoulder so he doesn’t have to fly. I get the feeling this is sort of ceremonial, so I just kind of want to go with it.

But I can’t. Because for some reason, I just want to gush about that anorith.

“Okay, I gotta ask, how the hell did you get Noma to fly like that?” I exclaim. “’Cause, I mean, that was amazing!” I hear Jonnie start to perk up, giving off a little chirp. “Like, I didn’t think it was possible for a Water Gun to lift a pokémon off the ground, and then she righted herself in the air-”

“Alright, alright already!” Roark interjects. “It was just practice. It all comes from being the Trainer and pokémon being in sync with each other.” He looks at Yossele. “You and Yossele already seem to have that bond, and it shows. That last combo was killer.” He walks over and pets Jonnie. “I get the feeling that you’ll get that too, Jonathan. Just be patient. You’ll get your chance to show off to Mattie, don’t you worry.”

He leans into the pets. You little diva.

“Mathilda Kasdan,” Roark continues, “you’ve proven yourself a worthy challenger. By besting the first of eight Gym Battles, you’ve officially begun your Sinnoh League Challenge.” He reaches into his pocket, pulling out a blue-and-black case. Inside, there’s a shining brown badge, half Pokéball, half mine cart. “On behalf of the Sinnoh Pokémon League, I award you the Coal Badge as a symbol of your victory over the Oreburgh Gym.” He hands it to me. As I take it, he gives my hand a hearty shake. “Congratulations.”

I smile and say the pleasantries, but my heart’s not totally in it. David’s face is sticking with me for some reason. It’s like he wanted to say something.

We need to have a talk.


“Sorry I can’t stick around to say goodbye, Mattie,” Blake is saying. “I gotta go pack, go to sleep early tonight. Expedition leaves next week, and I want to head there early.” He smiles. “You kicked ass, by the way. Just thought you should know.”

I give him a smile. “Thanks. Means a lot. Keep in touch?”

“Absolutely. Let me know when you’re near Solaceon, I’ll try to see if we can hang out again.”

“Totally. I see ya ‘round, then.”

“See ya.”

I watch him walk out of the Gym. Yossele waves goodbye as well. It hits me that he might actually be the first friend I’ve made outside of Unova. Hell, he might be the first real friend I’ve made in years.

Since Plasma, really.

“Mattie Kasdan.”

Speak of the devil.

“David,” I say. I turn around to see him coming out of the viewing bleachers. Both of his pokémon are out of their balls, and they’re positioned to make him look like he has a posse. Elgyem to his left, budew to his right.

It’s almost cute. I’ve seen more intimidating figures than that sorry excuse for posturing. He’d never actually cut in Plasma.

“Why’d you stay and watch?” I inquire. “I thought you hated the suffering of pokémon.” I advance towards him. “For that matter, why are you doing the Gym Challenge if you hate it so much?”

“It’s none of your business why I’m here,” he snarls. “And besides, Elgyem wants to get stronger, and this is the best way to do it.”

“Well, you’re not gonna have long to face Roark again. He leaves for a dig next week. Think you can beat him?”

“Of course I can. Who do you think you’re talking to?”

“The guy whose ace got whooped in two moves on Route 202, that’s who.” I cross my arms, starting to let my anger creep onto my face. “Roark mentioned a few days ago that you had the same attitude when you faced him the first time, and you lost again. I’m starting to think you might not be very good at this, buddy.” I start to advance on him. “And yet here you are. As arrogant as the last time I saw you. Even though you lost. So what’s the deal?” I stop. I’m within a couple of feet from him. I could probably grab him if I wanted to. “Why are you really here?”

“Why are you here?”

“Don’t deflect the question, wannabe.”

“You’re deflecting yourself, you know. You can answer my question, too.”

“I asked first.”

“And I answered already. It’s none of your business.”

“Like hell it’s none of my business, you watched my battle! Why are you here?!”

“SHUT UP!!”

The ferocity of his scream stops me in my tracks. Yossele gives me a look. I turn to him, and he points at my hand.

It’s clenched in a fist. Trembling. When did I get so angry? How did I let him get to me? I look back at David.

He’s not smiling, though. He doesn’t have that arrogant look on his face from before. His brows are furrowed. He’s biting his lip. He looks…sad, almost.

“I want to respect you, you know,” he mutters. “I had a good bit of time to think about this. You beat me on 202, fair and square. You’ve shown me that you care about pokémon, not only through your story about how you caught your zubat, but throughout the battle. You didn’t try to hurt Roark’s pokémon, nor did you put your pokémon though any undue pain. You demonstrated that you care.” He takes a breath. “But then you question my motives, which really aren’t any of your business, by the way, belittle my pokémon, and insult me.” He turns to leave. “I want to respect you, Mattie Kasdan, but I don’t know if I can right now.” He lets out a sigh and walks out the door.

I feel myself shaking. I need to get out of here, but I don’t want to worry anyone. I shove my hands into my pockets and walk out as well. I feel the afternoon air hit my face as I leave the Gym. For the first time since I was waiting for Professor Rowan in the lab, I feel cold. And it hits me.

I...I was the asshole. Not him.

Me.

“Arceus dammit,” I whisper to no one as I walk back to the hotel.

I don't know if it's just something my browser's doing or what, but the text in this chapter keeps going up a font size and back down again. I'm not sure why that would happen if it wasn't just my browser being weird, but I thought I'd mention it.

Onto the good stuff, then! And it is good stuff: I like seeing how other people write Gym challenges. Not so much for the battles, although battles are always fun, but to see how they make sense of the culture and ritual surrounding a request to battle a Gym Leader. These are obviously old institutions that mean a lot to the people of the pokémon world, and they're also an organised sport with a lot of potential for going quite badly wrong. Those two things together mean that there must be years of ritual and regulation built up around the simple format of two people battling one another, and I always love seeing how people choose to interpret that. The way Gym Leaders match skill level with their opponents, the rules concerning switching, the safeguards to stop unnecessary harm, whether or not there's a referee – all of this is stuff that needs to be considered, and I like that you've put some real thought into it here.

It's also interesting that both combatants open this fight using moves that you'd think they really wouldn't want to use against each other. Even with its power built up, fury cutter isn't going to do that much to a poison/flying-type, and a zubat's wing attack in particular isn't going to do much to an anorith. It feels like a scrappy, messy sort of battle, with relatively weak pokémon using what few abilities they have at this stage to pummel one another without the strategic advantage of having many options. It's a really interesting way of writing a battle between what would be in game terms two low-level pokémon, and not one I've encountered before.

And that makes it doubly interesting when Yossele takes his turn in the arena: he's clearly so much tougher, and so much more in sync with Mattie, too; he even starts to execute her tactics before she's quite done coming up with them. You get a great sense of the strength and vitality of the pokémon/trainer bond – which feeds very nicely into the broader issues you're investigating with Plasma, pokémon agency and the legitimacy of battle, and as such sets everything up well for the conversation with David at the end.

Which I'll get to in a moment, but first I feel like I have to comment on Yossele's own POV segment. I'm not sure if this is the first time that's happened – if so, I wonder if it will become a regular thing; it feels like it's something that could be really interesting in terms of the fic's themes. It confirms that it isn't just Yossele who's a fully realised human-level intelligence but in fact all pokémon in this world, which is something I'd been wondering about for a while, and something that I appreciate clarity about, given that this is a Plasma fic and these things matter. That definitely changes things, and it's a good thing to establish at this relatively early (I think? I mean, I can't quite tell what the overarching plot of this is yet, but I feel like we're still early on) stage of the story.

So! David, then. And that's definitely interesting. Plasma's whole deal is a vicious abuse of black and white thinking, carefully cultivated by Ghetsis, and it feels like even after leaving Plasma, some of these problems have stayed with Mattie – which, y'know, why wouldn't they? She's only fourteen, and like I'd be super impressed if she was actually capable of the kind of emotional reasoning that she'd need to avoid these pitfalls, especially after the whole Plasma business. Part of going on a trainer journey is the chance to mature and/or heal, and after this chapter the ways in which Mattie needs to grow are much more evident.

Yeah – a lot of positives here, and not much to complain about; this is an excellent chapter, I have to say. Here are a few tiny bits of critique:

I think the tildes-as-sound-effect-indicators thing is kind of unnecessary; you can just say 'flip' (or, if you did want to make it clearer what was happening, 'the flip of pages') and it's pretty clear what you mean. I mention it mostly because that usage of tildes is pretty much confined to the idiosyncratic grammar of the internet, so there's a question to be asked about whether or not you want to use it here in fiction. Up to you.


Given that it's about two feet long, I think calling an anorith a small shrimp is a bit odd – that's substantially bigger than the biggest shrimp I've ever encountered.

I think you're missing a “to” there in between “able” and “juke”.

Two things: firstly, that should be “the epicenter of the blast”, and secondly, this is kind of an awkward way to phrase it – you've basically said that Yossele feels the shockwave coming from the centre of itself, which is a bit unnecessary. It might be better to say that he feels the shockwave coming from the point of impact or something like that, so that you don't end up repeating yourself like that.

You've got two instances of “super” used in the same way in two consecutive sentences here – it would be more effective to replace one with something else.

Finally: good luck with your dissertation! I hope you are wiser than me and don't just pick a book at random off your shelf to write about before realising much too late that you hate it. That was, uh, not my finest hour.