Ionization (Slight M)

bay

Posts: 206

Ionization (Slight M) Apr 3, 2018 4:18:39 GMT

Post by bay on Apr 3, 2018 4:18:39 GMT

This was a nice gym battle chapter there! Like the others said, Jonnie is cute if a bit of a show off there haha, and Noma's Water Gun trick was cool too. With Yosie and Moloch's battle I'm sorta mixed. On the one hand the perspective shift threw me off there for a second as I'm so used to the story being in Mattie's POV so far and it makes me wonder if you plan to have Jonnie' POV in there too later down the line. However, I do agree this does gives a fresh take on what goes the Pokemon's heads during the battle there, and you still show Yosie and Mattie being in sync there.

Concerning the ending with Mattie and David, seems like there's more to David than when they first meet up, and I look forward to what more development you have for him and Mattie coming to terms with not being the better person there.

Dtmahanen

Witnessing (and participating in) shenanigans

Posts: 123

Ionization (Slight M) Apr 3, 2018 21:26:06 GMT

Post by Dtmahanen on Apr 3, 2018 21:26:06 GMT

Hey guys, couple things I'd like to clarify, seeing as a couple of people were either a little thrown about some things, or that I'd just like to make a little more clear.

First, eldestoyster, real quick, Mattie is 18. She joined Plasma when she was 14, sure, but that was four years ago. It was a very influential part of her teenage life, don't get me wrong, and she was a part of it at an impressionable time, but she's older now. The line in the first chapter about how she knew it was weird for her to be starting her journey now is because she's older than everyone, even by Unovan standards.

Second, for Ambyssin, the reason that Yossele was able to be hit by Normal-type attacks is because it wouldn't make sense for him...not to be, I guess. He's solid, he has a tangible form, it wouldn't make sense for those types of moves to simply pass through him, you know? For other Ghost-types like him, such as the honedge line, dhelmise, and the like, the same will likely apply.

Finally, about the POV switch. It won't happen often, but you'll know when a perspective shift will happen when you see this:

<------------------------------->

I hope it will make things somewhat obvious when I decide to tell the story from a different perspective. It was very much done to show the pokémon's perspective on events, as a couple of you rightly pointed out, and I feel it was an interesting way to explore the sentience of pokémon without having to spell it out.

Also, the perspective shifts will only happen between Mattie and Yossele. I think it would be far too confusing if I had even more perspectives to switch between, and as I constructed this narrative, Mattie and Yossele are the two main characters, and as such have the special privilege of having their perspective be seen. Mattie's the protagonist, sure, but Yossele's just as integral to the story as she is, and although it won't be as frequent as Mattie's perspective, Yossele's perspective is just as important.

I hope that clears things up for future reference.

-Phalanx, out.

“Most of the titles for my pieces arrive because on computer, you have to call them something. So I have.” -Ringo Starr

Firebrand

Posts: 194

Ionization (Slight M) Apr 3, 2018 23:36:39 GMT

Post by Firebrand on Apr 3, 2018 23:36:39 GMT

This is just for chapter 1

I wonder at just how literal the title is going to be here. My grasp of high school chem has gotten shaky with age, but I do recall that ionizing means gaining or losing electrons to get a positive or negative charge. My sense of Mattie's character is that she's very deliberately neutral about things, and is playing her cards close to her chest. This being a journeyfic, she's obviously going to grow and change, so I guess her interactions with other people are the things that are going to change her "charge"?

I've always found it interesting if/how people introduce communication with pokemon in their fics, and how much sentience pokemon are given. Even the canon is a little elastic about this, so the variance between interpretations is always pretty neat, especially because so much of journeyfics entail the trainer out in the wilderness, usually alone except for their pokemon. Yossele using sign language is a good way to go at the issue, and it especially makes sense considering he's an artificial pokemon and would probably be closer to humans that otherwise. I think Yossele as both a character and a concept is great, actually. So far, he seems like a good foil to Mattie, and I find it ironic that he seems to be the more expressive one even thought he's essentially a robot. The Golett line is just really interesting and has a lot of creative potential in general, so I think you've given yourself a lot of room to work with here. Hopefully someday we get to see Yoselle as a Golurk flying Iron Giant-style.

Other than that, not much to say except that you're as mechanically solid. The character voice is good, and it strikes all the right setting-out-on-a-journey notes. Obviously there's a little more gravity to it considering Mattie is starting late and has A Past, but one of the things that keeps me coming back to pokemon as a franchise is how the canon enforces that everyone deserves at least a chance at forgiveness and reform, and I'm glad to see that's still in play here.

THE HALVARSAGA

THE AMAZING HAWLUCHA MAN

Zorquil the Fluffy

Excuse me while I catch up and comment on all the fiction!

Posts: 35
Pronouns: Any pronoun allowed! Usually he/him or they/them.

Ionization (Slight M) Jul 3, 2018 5:02:37 GMT

Post by Zorquil the Fluffy on Jul 3, 2018 5:02:37 GMT

I’d half expected her to wear a lab coat, or something sciency, but she is instead adorned in a fashionable red coat with a short skirt, white scarf, and large pink boats.

Woah, she wears ships on her clothing! Or does she wear ships as clothing? Either way, she has large pink boats!

Ehem... Anywho, I marathoned your six chapters, because I'm crazy like that. This is an interesting premise, with an Ex-Plasma Grunt taking on the Pokémon League. You really do establish her character well; snark with a golden heart. Pretty powerful character traits there. We see she's trying her best to adjust to a new life as a trainer, and she does pretty well with being a tactical mind over anything. You give a good amount of depth behind her as well, with how Team Plasma affected her both positively and negatively. She definitely still holds the values of caring for Pokémon and treating them as individuals. On the other paw, she has some issues with those that try to separate trainers from their Pokémon, and David is definitely bringing out her pains from her times in Team Plasma.

It's also pretty impressive with how you describe Pokémon and treat them like individuals with intelligence. Most stories I read have Pokémon treat others like pets or animals with some comprehension, but your fic gives Pokémon almost human-like minds with undying loyalty to their humans. There's a lot of fics, when giving this amount of knowledge to Pokémon, tend to steer towards the rebellious Pokémon wanting to take control, but this fic actually explores more deeply the connections and love Pokémon have for their trainers and that they do have a love for battles.

As for characters, many of the humans we see interactions with are much more complex. Rowan is much more jovial and unbiased towards Mattie, which a professor should be. Blake is very friendly and manages to keep things light. Roark is pretty laidback and has his love of fossils, but shows a great deal of assertiveness during stressful situations. Even David at the end of Chapter 6 shows he's starting to question himself and does want to respect Mattie. For a story that's rated Slight M, there's sure a lot of kind characters who are overall pleasant or tolerable, and that's fine for now! After all, the journey's still beginning, and there will probably be more interactions that won't be as pleasant.

Anyway, this story was a fun read. I'm sure I missed a few things I wanted to review since I'm reviewing half-asleep, but I liked how you approached this story. I hope to see more chapters in the future!

admin

Posts: 272

Ionization (Slight M) Jul 5, 2018 2:08:05 GMT

Post by admin on Jul 5, 2018 2:08:05 GMT

*cracks knuckles* Since I'm covering about five chapters, as a word of fair warning, the first part of this will more or less cover general thoughts.

That having been said, I really do think what makes this story is the side characters. I'm not sure why, but I kinda find them more interesting than Mattie herself (which is not to say that I dislike Mattie; more that I have complicated feelings about her that I'll get into in a sec). Take Blake, for instance. I think what I like best about Blake is he's adorable, but the second best thing is that he's probably the most genuine character in the cast. With everyone else, you get a sense that there's something else going on with them, which is fair because the rest of the cast by and large does. Mattie and Yossele used to be the member of a literal street gang (call Plasma what you will—it was still a villainous organization), David is complicated, and the rest ... are, okay, more or less the NPCs: the people who know about Mattie and are meant to mentor her and usher her along through her development. (Also not a bad thing!) But Blake? Blake is a dork who takes melatonin (when he remembers), who loves fossils and his tyrunt, who knows that booping said tyrunt on the nose gets her to do things, and who is otherwise genuinely a nice, happy person. In other words, he's just this beam of sunshine, clearly developed and laid out and easy to understand, and consequently, he just feels more ... there somehow. So it's just fun to follow him around and watch what he does, not only because his every move seems to teach Mattie something important but instead because he's such a contrast to the mess that is Mattie.

Speaking of messes, then you have David. At first, I have to admit I'm not so sure how I felt about David because I'm always a little hesitant to like characters who are very clearly egotistical. Like ... it seemed so hella counterintuitive for him to keep people from helping the shinx, and the battle was absolutely a hypocritical cherry on top. That, plus all the smirks almost made him seem a tad melodramatic and difficult to swallow, but then again, he's also pretty young and arrogant.

That's where the latest chapter comes in, actually. It's very apparent that he's done a lot of growing up in the short period of time behind the scenes, between getting his rear kicked by Mattie and his rear kicked again by Roark. The conversation he has with Mattie at the end begins with him coming off just as smug as he had when he first met Mattie, sure, but that paragraph at the end where he's talking about wanting to respect Mattie and trying to figure her out was actually mature of him. It paints him more as the misguided kid you might be aiming for, the one torn between the ideals that Team Plasma spouted (whether or not he was even a member is another matter) and the realization that using those ideals to place yourself on a moral pedestal is, ironically, morally wrong and really missing the point. Or in other words, we're getting an inkling of David growing up, and the fact that Mattie missed that and went on the defensive (as she is wont to do) did wonders at establishing a solid rivalry. Now David really does have a reason to dislike and/or be wary around Mattie, and Mattie has a clear avenue of how this relationship can help her grow into a better person. Or in short, before now, I have to admit I didn't think Mattie's rivalry with David would be an effective relationship. Now I do.

When it comes to Mattie and Yossele themselves, I have to say they're cute, but they could be tighter separately. The main thing is that on the one hand, their relationship is so tight that I do pick up on what Oyster is saying about how Yossele just knows Mattie enough to predict what she's going to say. And that moment in the hotel where Mattie is describing how Yossele looks after her (in a way) is also very adorable. It's admittedly not that often that I see a trainer and a pokémon click so hard because they're birds of a feather. Usually, you have a trainer and a pokémon with essentially opposite personalities so that they're playing off one another—kinda like a Jay and Silent Bob act. And while that's satisfying in it's own right, it's downright adorable to see two best buds who're best buds because they're so much alike (well, probably among other things, in Mattie and Yossele's case, but you get the idea). I mean, in a way, that's kinda how real friendships work. You're not attracted to someone who's the complete opposite of you; you're attracted to someone who sees eye to eye with you. And Mattie and Yossele get that so much that they practically don't even need signing to know what the other's thinking.

(Incidentally, though, that is why the signing struck me as a little funny. Like, it's so conversational, in that it sounds like a conversation is happening verbally, whereas actual sign language is one of symbols, so not every sentence can be translated neatly. That might also be saying a lot about Yossele's relationship with Mattie, though, as no doubt it would have taken them some time to learn sign language at the level they're using it. On the other hand, I'm also saying this as a bit of a warning because, for example, in the heat of a battle, signing might not be the best mode of communication, not only because a pokémon's hands might be a little busy but also because with a lot of action going on, there's no guarantee that Mattie will see every sign—or that Yossele will be able to sign enough to get his point across. Sure, short signs like the one he did during the gym battle might be easy to swallow, but, like, just bear in mind the limits of your mode of communication, is all I'm sayin'. ~~I may or may not also be going on about how interesting sign language is and how it could hinder Yossele and Mattie in the future.~~)

That said, though, where I'm really hesitant is in the fact that the two feel so similar to one another. Like, I love the concept you're presenting in the latest chapter, where you're trying out different modes of telling a story, and I definitely like the idea of telling part of the gym battle from Yossele's point of view. I mean, not only is it rather exciting to put us right there in the action, but it's also a fun way to get in his head. And I'm definitely seconding what Oyster has said concerning the level of intelligence pokémon have in this world and how seeing more battles from this perspective will add a lot of depth to the argument about Plasma's morality and the conflict between Mattie and David.

On the other hand, I also couldn't help but notice that Yossele sounds an awful lot like Mattie. For example, lemme pull out this paragraph:

It’s interesting. That attack must be extraordinarily powerful, seeing as he launched me about halfway across the arena. However, it looks like he’s paying for it as well. I thought I’d taken the brunt of Moloch’s attack, but even he looks a bit woozy. He’s wobbling on his feet, shaking his head to clear his vision. So it hurts the user too? Huh. Didn’t realize that.

Now, the reason why I'm pulling this out is because it reminded me of this excerpt (among others) from earlier in the chapter:

Shit, that’s not good. I remember learning how nasty Fury Cutter can be from Trainer class, especially if stacked a couple of times.

Other examples include how Mattie could tell the difference between a male and female shinx and zubat, but the point is, there's a bit of awkwardness in how information is shared. Like, it almost stops the narrative flow in order to analyze or share these kinda textbooky details. In Yossele's case, that's the fact that he was launched across the room (already evident by the fact that he'd hit a wall); it Mattie's, it's just the facts themselves popping up in spots where she should be emotionally reacting to the scene in front of her. (In a way, that's also why I was back and forth about how she was panicking in response to the rock slide. On the one hand, absolutely, not everyone reacts to stress the same way. On the other, I dunno. She seemed very coherent and chatty for someone mentally reliving the death of her friend, you know?)

But back to Yossele, you also kinda get that sense when he's signing outside of this scene, like when he demands to battle David. It's very much like something Mattie would say, as she's pretty dang abrasive and combative (as shown by how she interacts with David, right up until she decides he's not worth her time). So it's like ... the quirks he has in his inner monologue and the way he "speaks" just echo Mattie so much that if taken out of context, I almost wonder if it'd be easy for the reader to tell who was speaking. In other words, I kinda feel like Yossele could use a bit more development in terms of his voice...

...but on the other hand, there's also that thing I said earlier about how it's often natural for friends to sound eerily like one another at times. So, like, it's also difficult to say.

But rambling aside, I think that just about covers it! Clearly, I need to keep up with this because it's definitely fun to see the things you talk about privately/on the server in context. But awkwardness about Mattie and Yossele aside, this is definitely a fun read, and honestly, I am 100% here for Mattie learning she's a dick.

Dtmahanen

Witnessing (and participating in) shenanigans

Posts: 123

Ionization (Slight M) Aug 12, 2018 2:09:29 GMT

Post by Dtmahanen on Aug 12, 2018 2:09:29 GMT

With the posting of this chapter, Ionization is officially the longest piece of fiction I've ever written.

At 7 chapters.

I really need to step up my game.

Anyway, rest assured that all of your amazing reviews and comments have been noted and taken into account. I'm so happy that people are still sticking with this even with my sometimes prolonged absences. It's definitely fun to write, and I hope it's as fun for you to read.

But enough talk! Chapter 7, HAVE AT YOU!!!!

CHAPTER 7: It Means Delight

I’m sitting in the Icirrus police station. My hands are folded on my lap, my thumbs twirling around each other anxiously. My foot is practically slamming into the ground like a jackhammer. It’s nice weather today, but my hoodie is on and covering my eyes.

More than anything else, it’s the hoodie that people are looking at. I can imagine everyone’s stares. What do they think of me when they see it? Are they angry? Sad? Disappointed? Could be a lot of things.

I don’t blame them one bit.

“Okay, Mattie, we’re ready for you now.”

I look up. Officer Jennifer Grayson is giving me a warm smile. Her brown eyes have bags under them, and even under her cap, her turquoise hair is a mess. Must be working her to the bone. And she just had a kid, too. I nod, getting up from my seat. She escorts me into the back room.

My mom is waiting inside the interview room. My dad should be here, too, but his latest surgery had complications, so he’s still at the hospital. He wouldn’t be much help anyway, considering that he can barely hear, and to my understanding, no one in the ICPD knows USL. It’s a shame, really.

I kinda wanted him here, too.

“Thanks for being patient with me, Mrs. Kasdan,” Officer Grayson says. “I know the interview was a bit grueling and tedious–”

“You’re telling me,” I hear Mom mutter under her breath.

“–but rest assured that no one is in any trouble here. To reiterate, Mattie wasn’t involved in any way that can be considered a crime.” She turns to me. “But the fact is, you did turn yourself in, so we needed to go by procedure.”

I nod. Don’t feel like talking at the moment. I can feel my mom staring daggers into me; I’d rather not dig a deeper hole. I’m getting chewed out tonight, I can already tell.

“So, you’re free to go,” she continues. “However…” She takes a look at the Pokéball resting on my belt. “I hope you don’t mind if we take that off your hands for a bit. We’ll check the records for you.”

“Wait, what do you mean?” my mom demands. “Are you seriously suggesting that my daughter-”

“Mom!” I interject. “It’s alright. She’s not accusing me of anything.” I look down. “I just want them to check something. Nothing serious, I asked for them to do this.” I look at her eyes. “I promise.”

She hesitates. She hates it when I do this, I know. Usurp her “authority.” She thinks she should always have the last word, but she can’t. Not right now. This is my problem. He’s my problem. And I gotta fix it myself.

She already knows I was Plasma, I don’t need her to know anything more.

“I’ll be in the car,” she mutters, storming out of the room in a huff. There’s silence in the room for a moment. It’s not awkward, though. Officer Grayson is cool about it.

“Arceus, she can be a little frustrating sometimes,” she comments.

“Yeah, and I live with her.” I feel a small headache coming on. It’s way too early in the morning for this. I clutch the bridge of my nose. “Can I sit for a bit?”

“Sure, sure, no problem,” she says, “are you alright?” I semi-collapse into the chair, shaking my head. “Mattie?”

------------------------------

“Earth to Mattie, can you read me?”

Right. Forgot. That was three years ago. I’m actually in the park by the Oreburgh Gym, and it’s Roark I’m talking to, not Officer Grayson. We’re sitting on a bench near a pond. Some starly are splashing in the water, ruffling their feathers and generally having a good time. “Sorry, spaced a little bit, what were you saying?”

“I mean, I was asking if you were alright, but you’re sort of answering my question for me.”

“Didn’t sleep so well last night, nothing too crazy.” I look at my feet. I feel my fingers absentmindedly playing with the orange tips in my hair. “Before that.”

“Oh, right! That,” Roark exclaims. He starts fumbling with his pack. “You kinda disappeared last night, so I wasn’t able to give you your winnings.”

“…winnings?”

{Right, that wager thing from before,} I see Yossele sign. {Weren’t you the one who mentioned that Trainers usually give money to the winner of a battle?} He gives me a look I can only interpret as mock disapproval. If I weren’t so tired, I’d be chuckling.

“Yeah, but he’s a Gym Leader. Bit of a difference in status there, bud.”

“Actually, not as much as you think,” Roark interjects, taking out his PokéGear. “We actually instituted a League rule that requires Gym Leaders to give out some money to the winners of a Gym Challenge Battle. It was mostly to help out Trainers who were running short on funds, and since that’s becoming more and more common these days, I hope you don’t mind if I insist.”

“Eh, I dunno. I kinda feel weird about it, ‘specially since my parents are helping me out money-wise.”

“It’s no trouble, believe me. Gym Leaders don’t get a cent of this. The League reserved it for you.”

I hesitate. It just feels a little odd. Doing a money exchange with random Trainers makes at least a little sense, it’s like we bet on the battle. But Leaders? Whole ‘nother story.

Ah, who am I kidding? How could I call myself a selfish asshole if I passed up free money?

“Fine, but only because you’re being so nice about it,” I say as I take out my PokéGear. Roark punches in a few numbers, and I hear a beep on my Gear to signal the money transfer. Hm, 7800. Not a bad haul.

“Sorry, can’t stay much longer,” Roark grunts as he gets up from the bench. “Got an appointment with David in half an hour, and I want to talk strategy with my team.”

“You using that anorith? She packed a hell of a punch.”

“No, I used an onix last time with him, and I want to stay consistent. See if he’s capable of learning from a loss.”

“Yeah…” I give him a smile, but in the back of my head I’m sort of glad he didn’t ask me if I wanted to watch the battle. Granted, it’s probably because of what I told him about our first conversation, but I just…don’t really want to see him right now.

He’s given me a lot to think about.

“However,” he continues, “I would still like to see you off, just to make sure you’re headed in the right direction.”

“How so?”

“Well, seeing as you’re at least somewhat interested in doing the Gym Challenge from the looks of it, I was wondering if you knew where you were headed next,” Roark replies, hoisting himself from the bench with a grunt. “Depending on where you want to go, I can point you in the right direction.”

I…haven’t really given that much thought. It hasn’t really registered in my mind yet, but yeah, I am doing the Gym Challenge now. Officially, at least. And that means I need to find more Gyms. Hey, at least it’ll give me something to do to distract me for a bit.

“What do you think, Yosie?” I ask. “Where would you wanna go next?”

{I’m not sure why you’re asking me, Mattie,} he signs with a shrug. {I have no idea where anything is in Sinnoh, so I’m just as lost as you.}

“Fair enough,” I respond, a chuckle passing from my lips. “Shoulda expected that. So, uh, yeah, we’re gonna need a little bit of help in that regard.”

“No worries on that front. I’m leaving for the dig this weekend, and my girlfriend is stopping by to see me off after the battle. If you like, you can tag along with her for a bit. She lives in Eterna, which is relatively close by, and she’s training a potential Ranger, which is good if you want to meet more people.”

Yossele and I glance at each other immediately. That’s a lot of information to take in at once, especially the bit about Eterna – not to mention the fact that Roark has a girlfriend. From the little bit I’ve learned of him, I honestly thought he’d be too busy to be in a relationship.

Not that I’d tell him that to his face, anyway.

“Cool. Anything I should know about her before I meet her?”

Roark gives me a knowing smirk. “Other than the fact that she’s probably the next Gym Leader you’re gonna face? No, not much.” And with a chuckle, he turns and walks away, a subtle skip to his step.

And I’m just sitting there, in the park, trying to process the little bomb he just dropped on me.

{Well this is very inconvenient,} Yossele says, snapping me back into reality…again. {We have no idea what this woman looks like, or even her name, so how are we supposed to be able to find her?}

“Uh…” That’s actually a very good point. How are we supposed to find someone who we have, like, no details on? Yeah, I should probably text him, try to find out a little bit about her. “Um, yeah, yeah, thanks, I should probably ask him about that. Thanks for the catch, Yosie.”

{You’re welcome.}

----------------------------

I learn her name is Gardenia. I don’t get any details on what she looks like, but it’s a start, I guess. For the next couple of hours, I ask around town, see if anyone knows if she’s in Oreburgh at the moment. She’s not, from the sound of it, but most everyone knows who she is. Ever since she and Roark started dating, they’ve visited each other pretty frequently, at least once a month. They try to keep it on the down low, but it’s two Gym Leaders, it’s a little hard to keep that under wraps.

But she’s not here at the moment, or at least not according to the townspeople.

And thus, I’m back in the park. Yossele and Jonnie (or just Jonnie, really) have eaten a little snack, and have begun sparring again. They’ve been at it for a while, actually, they started about 45 minutes ago. From the looks of it, Yossele is trying to instill a sense of humility into the little zubat, and is doing it the only way he knows how: relentlessly attacking him. It’s a little more fearsome than his training in the Gym, and Jonathan has to adjust accordingly. Thankfully I’ve got some spare potions, so no one’s in any real danger of getting hurt.

I’m distracted, though, and not just because I’m waiting on Roark to get back to me after his battle is over. My notebook, normally used to take notes on what my battle strategies are, is sitting on a blank page in my hand. My mind just can’t focus on that right now.

I’m thinking about David.

What was his deal? I think. First time I meet him he’s this weirdo wannabe, the next he says he’s trying to respect me? What gives? What changed? I feel myself hunch over on the bench, leaning into myself as my thoughts begin to overwhelm me. And what the hell was I thinking yesterday? I shouldn’t be thinking he wouldn’t make it in Plasma, I don’t want anyone to fit in to Plasma! They were fucking awful!

I stop.

“What does that say about me?”

I look up at Yossele and Jonnie, expecting them to still be going at it. However, they’ve stopped. Jonnie is perched on Yossele’s shoulders, seemingly resting. Yossele, meanwhile, is sitting on the ground facing me. He’s not moving, but his head is tilted slightly to…my left.

There’s something next to me, isn’t there?

I turn to my left, and there’s a dinosaur. Like, there’s a slender, green reptilian head right next to me, and it’s looking at me. It slowly tilts its snout towards me, showing me its…banana beard, I guess? It’s a strange sight. But hey, it’s always very weird the first time someone sees a tropius in the flesh.

“Uh…” I stammer. “Hi there. Who’re you?” I hesitantly reach out my hand to try to pet its head, and it leans into it, seemingly receptive. It really wants me to notice the bananas under its chin, though, twisting its neck so that I can’t miss it, no matter how hard I try. “Do…do you want me to pick a banana?” I ask. “Is that okay? Doesn’t that hurt?”

“No, not at all. They like to do this, actually.”

I jump a little at the new voice, almost thinking it was the tropius for a second before doing a quick double take. There’s a woman standing next to it, leaning a gloved hand on its large frame. She looks my age, except that she actually looks like she takes care of herself a little better than I do. She’s wearing an indigo long-sleeved T-shirt and slightly tattered jeans, with long, dark blue hair that falls past her waist in a ponytail. There’s a warm smile on her face, almost like she’s perpetually about to laugh. In fact, she is giggling a little bit.

“Sorry about that,” she continues, “Patty does that sometimes. She can be sneaky when she wants to.” She grabs both sides of the tropius’ head and touches her nose to her snout. “Patricia, I told you not to wander off like that. I get that they make people feel good, but you can’t just sneak up on them.” The tropius gives off a little chuff, fluffing the woman’s hair like a little breeze. “I know, I know, she totally needs it,” she laughs. She turns back to me, extending a hand. “So, who did Patty decide to grace with her presence today?”

“Uh…” It’s taking me a few seconds to process all of the new information. I shake my head, trying to clear my thoughts. “Um, Mattie, my name’s Mattie Kasdan, hi,” I stutter as I reach out my hand to shake hers. The woman’s grip is strong, and it’s only now that I notice that there’s a good bit of muscle to her. “Sorry, had a weird last few days, what was your name again?”

“I hadn’t given it yet, but if you insist,” the woman giggles, pushing her hair behind her ear. “My name’s Aiden Gila. Nice to meet you.” She looks past my shoulder. “And I take it these are your pokémon?”

“Oh, yeah, they – wait, wait, stop stop stop!” I begin to say as I notice Yossele barreling toward me with purpose burning in his eyes. “She’s not sketchy, she’s okay, you can stop!”

He does stop, but he still gives off an air of hesitation. {How do you know that? You don’t know her, and I don’t know her, and I want you to be safe, so I would suggest taking a bit more of a-}

“Is your golett signing?” Aiden interjects, vaulting over the bench I’m sitting on to get closer to Yossele. “Aw man, I wish I could understand what you were saying, big guy, but that’s still super cool! How long have you known how to do that? Who taught you?”

The pose that Yossele freezes in is almost comical in its absurdity. I can tell he was about to say “cautious approach” by his hands, but they haven’t moved. They’re frozen, confused, and I’m not really sure he knows how to respond to the barrage of questions. He slowly turns his head to me, and his expression says it all. He’s completely overwhelmed by this new arrival.

You and me both, bud.

“You…you do realize he can’t respond to you, right?” I say. “I mean, it’s not like he can speak our language, right?”

“I know, I’m just messing with him,” she says, a toothy smile plastered on her face. “Honestly, most of those were directed at you.”

“But, weren’t you just talking to your tropius like you could understand him?”

A small giggle escapes her lips. “It’s more like, we’ve known each other for seven years, I can pick up what Patty’s putting down. I can’t actually talk to pokémon like that.” Another giggle. “You know anyone who can actually do that, I’d love to meet them.”

Lord N can do that… “That N guy from Unova said he could.”

“Oh, that’s right, he did say that!” Aiden exclaims, slapping her face in mock surprise. “Man, that dude was nuts! Everything I heard about him on the news, he seemed a little weird, but, like, kinda nice, y’know?”

“I mean he was pretty-”

I’m about to continue, but I feel a hand slam over my mouth, blocking the words from passing my lips. The hand tastes like clay. Yossele.

Arceus, WHAT AM I DOING? WHAT AM I SAYING?! I CAN’T TALK ABOUT THIS STUFF, IT’D RUIN ME!!

I look at Aiden. She’s doubled over laughing. “Holy crap, Mattie, what were you about spill? Man, it must be super embarrassing if your golett won’t let you spit it out!”

She didn’t put it together. Thank Arceus. Inwardly sighing, I tap Yossele’s arm. He lets me go.

“Yeah, super embarrassing, let me tell ya. I’ll tell you all about it, but not now.” I pat Yossele’s head, silently thanking him for the save. “My overly jumpy friend’s name is Yossele, by the way.

“Oh, nice, like the golem of Geosenge!”

I’m shook. Like, legitimately shook. “No one’s ever been able to get that reference unless I explicitly told them about it,” I mutter. “You know about the folk tale?”

“Hey, when you’re a Ranger-in-training like me, you don’t always have the best reception,” she says. “I had to find something to occupy my time without my PokéGear, so I took to reading about folktales.”

“Wait wait wait,” I exclaim, “slow down a sec.” I take a breath. “You’re a Ranger-in-Training?”

“Uh-huh.”

“Did…did you happen to come here with a person named Gardenia?”

“…I did, in fact,” she says, slowly eyeing me. “How’d you know that?”

Now it’s my turn to start laughing. “Oh, thank Arceus!” I yell, pumping my fists. “I’ve been looking for her all morning! Her – her boyfriend, Roark, he said that she was coming, and that I might be able to tag along with her for a bit because she’s the next Leader in the Gym Challenge I need to face. Do you know where she is right now?”

Aiden’s quiet. Her eyes are darting all across my person, almost like she’s only now trying to understand the type of person she’s been talking to for the past five minutes. I don’t think it’s a hostile sizing up, it just looks like she’s…making sure of something?

Her eyes light up. There’s a little gasp. A moment of realization, if I’ve ever seen one.

“YOU’RE the Trainer Gardenia said we were picking up!” she exclaims. “Oh man, what’re the odds?” She laughs to herself a little bit. “I gotta text Gardenia about this, she’ll definitely be amused.”

“I can’t believe we were actually looking for each other, and we didn’t even know it.”

“I know! Pretty nuts, right?” That grin’s back on her face, and I have to admit, it just looks natural on her. It’s a nice look.

“You think she’d be at the Gym?”

“I mean, probably, that’s where the boyfriend is.”

“Yeah, that makes sense. Wanna walk over there?”

“Works for me!”

The two of us begin to walk over there, our pokémon joining us at our side (or shoulder, in Jonnie’s case). As Yossele approaches, I can’t help but give him a little snarky sign. {See? Told you she wasn’t sketchy.}

{Yeah, I understand, but-}

{Not everyone who’s new and different is sketchy, bud. No need to worry so much.}

{I’m sorry, but that won’t happen.}

{I know, and I love you for it.}

Our little exchange out of the way, we set off toward the Oreburgh Gym, conversation picking up along the way.

“Oh you have a zubat, too?”

“Yes I do! His name’s Jonathan.”

“Aw, that’s such a cute name! And a reference to Dracula at that!”

“You sure know your stuff, Aiden.”

“I try.”

“Do you have any other pokémon?”

“Uh-huh, yeah. They’re resting in their balls at the moment, but you’ll love them, I just know it. My honchkrow – don’t let his puffing up fool you for a second, he’s a huge softie – his name’s Vito, and…”

And as we keep walking and talking towards the next leg of my journey – it’s so weird that that’s what this really is now – David is the last thing on my mind.

Last Edit: Feb 21, 2019 23:43:04 GMT by Dtmahanen

“Most of the titles for my pieces arrive because on computer, you have to call them something. So I have.” -Ringo Starr

Ambyssin

Definitely a winter

Posts: 110

Ionization (Slight M) Aug 12, 2018 20:29:06 GMT

Post by Ambyssin on Aug 12, 2018 20:29:06 GMT

I'm baaaaaaaaaaack! *scare cord*

Overall, I'm looking at a transitional chapter, here. Which isn't necessarily bad, mind you. Its pace picks up in the second half, for sure, and I'll get to that in a second. Starting off, here, we have the flashback to a precinct, with mandatory Officer Jenny... or Hipster Jenny, since she's using her full name. *ahem* On a more serious note, the flashback isn't really long enough for me to have any cohesive thoughts about it. The best I can say about it is that it seems like a tease of more information to come. It shows Mattie at a contentious point. Probably when she was on the outs with Team Plasma? It seems like she has Yossie by this point... and is trying to go through channels to prove she didn't "liberate" him from someone else. Otherwise, I can't say much else.

Next, we have Roark offering the means for Mattie to continue her quest. And I'd like to pause at this point to say that, while Gardenia hasn't made a proper appearance yet, the mental image of Gardenia and Roark as a couple was hilarious. Perhaps you're going to retool her a bit so she isn't as... uh... close to her grass-types as she seems to be in various canons. Or maybe you won't, and she works well with Roark because he's a total fossil geek. I look forward to it either way.

Then we have Aiden's introduction. Initially I thought she was Gardenia, but that was quickly tossed aside. I like the very sitcom-esque introduction we get to her, with her and Mattie sharing that "oh, hey, isn't this a nice coincidence?" moment and then laughing it off. I noticed a few similarities with Blake, in the process. Both of them come across as level-headed and strike up conversational tones with Mattie. They also both have a 'mon whose type matches the gym leader that they're working with. And they also accompany Mattie to a major city, to some degree. Are you planning on doing a journeywoman scenario where Mattie meets a revolving door of different people and grows from those experiences? I can definitely get behind that idea. If that's not the case, that's alright, too. I'd just caution you to change things up a bit after Eterna City so the story doesn't become too formulaic.

Other than that, this was a nice, fun chapter. Glad to see you back. ^^

Avatar by Jordy (https://toonirl.tumblr.com/), personal commission.

Zorquil the Fluffy

Excuse me while I catch up and comment on all the fiction!

Posts: 35
Pronouns: Any pronoun allowed! Usually he/him or they/them.

Ionization (Slight M) Aug 13, 2018 22:53:21 GMT

Post by Zorquil the Fluffy on Aug 13, 2018 22:53:21 GMT

This comment/review is for Chapter 7.

So... She had a crush on N or something? I mean, she did nearly expose herself as an ex-member of Team Plasma. Or did she just respect him that much to lose herself in her words? And did she ever get that banana!? ... From the Tropius, I mean, not from... Oof.

So this was a pretty calm chapter after such a fight (in more ways than one). It's strange that Roark isn't being that detailed about who Mattie's supposed to meet, especially since I thought he would be one to be more in depth with helping trainers along their way. I guess he was distracted, but he could have at least given a bit more information.

Aiden herself is... okay. I don't know how to feel about her yet, but she seems nice and was able to connect with Mattie a... bit too well. Maybe it's the Yossele speaking in me, but her character seems too energetic and knowledgeable. I feel a strange aura, but maybe I'm just looking too deeply. Maybe I'm just a little bummed that she (or moreso, her Tropius) interrupted Mattie thinking about her argument with David and trying to find closure from it. Guess that's going to haunt her later when she comes across meeting him again and she hasn't come to terms yet with her position within their rivalry.

It was a decent transitional chapter.

bay

Posts: 206

Ionization (Slight M) Aug 14, 2018 4:08:44 GMT

Post by bay on Aug 14, 2018 4:08:44 GMT

Concerning that flashback, I take it that's when Mattie is ratting out Team Plasma and turning herself in there. And that pokeball likely belongs to Yossele, so I'm assuming we might get more glimpses how the two connected later.

I remember you mentioning Roark and Gardenia being and item, and am curious how their interaction will be like.

I feel Aiden's first few lines of dialogue to Mattie were a bit wordy and formal after going from, "who did Patty decide to grace with her presence today" to "Holy (beep) Mattie." Otherwise, as Ambyssin said seems she'll be enjoyable like Blake with her being a Ranger and taking an interest in folklore. And hm, now I'm curious Mattie's feelings on N there.

girl-like-substance

the seal will bite you if you give him half a chance

Posts: 527
Pronouns: xe/xem

Ionization (Slight M) Aug 16, 2018 17:53:01 GMT

Post by girl-like-substance on Aug 16, 2018 17:53:01 GMT

So! Now I get to share my thoughts properly. This is a quiet one, to be sure, mostly mopping up the fallout from Mattie's realisation at the end of the last chapter that she was the one being an asshole, but I like the insistence that that thought pattern has, the way the whole David thing keeps pushing its way back into the middle of things, whatever she's doing. Also how, with that thing worrying her, it's much harder for her to escape from Plasma and her past – it feels like almost every other thought she has this chapter is about that, even leaving the big flashback aside.

But let's not leave the big flashback aside, because there's some really interesting stuff there! Family politics, for one thing – I have a vague feeling her less-than-perfect relationship with her mother was hinted at before, but it's been a while and I can't remember – and also a fascinating tidbit about Yosie's origins. The fact that Mattie considers him her problem to solve suggests that she's trying to do more with her request that the cops run a check on him than just prove she didn't steal him, I think. Looking forward to seeing more about that in future chapters.

Also, to expand on my flippant note about putting Prague in Geosenge – while it is kind of funny based on the geographical distance between Brittany and Bavaria, Geosenge is obviously a pretty natural place to locate a golem myth, so I do like that detail; I assume that whatever civilisation AZ belonged to built their own variant of golett/golurk there, independently of the ancient civilisation in what would later become Unova. Makes you wish Game Freak had included variant forms a little earlier than they did, because I'm sure AZ's people couldn't have built their ceramic mechs in the same style.

I think I'm getting off topic here. Back to the matter at hand. Aiden is an interesting one – so chirpy and outgoing that, given the general tone of the fic, I'm almost waiting for the other shoe to drop. She has a kind of wryness to her that I rather like; her voice kind of hovers on the friendly side of mockery, which is always fun to read. You can immediately see how she and Mattie would get on, and of course they do, right away. Theirs should be a fun trip to follow!

Oh yeah, and one little note -- I noticed that some of the links in your chapter index spill over from the line they're on to include the beginning C on the next line. I don't think that's intentional, though of course I could be wrong.

Last Edit: Aug 16, 2018 17:59:02 GMT by girl-like-substance

GHOST TOWN | GO HOME
& assorted one-shots

cipher001

Posts: 2

Ionization (Slight M) Feb 16, 2019 6:58:32 GMT

Post by cipher001 on Feb 16, 2019 6:58:32 GMT

I had to make several edits to my normal way of citing something. The site kept eating the bracketing parts and messing with the formatting. Anyway! I suppose I’ll just go ahead and give you the review now. I had the time, and your story was gripping enough for me to want to finish the chapter. First things first, your spelling and grammar were excellent. I usually have to give a very long-winded spiel about the virtues of un-capitalizing pokemon by their species name when they aren’t being named as their species (which is a bit weird, honestly, but that’s the game default and a lot of people don’t question it any further from there).

The way you pace your story is also very entertaining. I enjoyed how you fleshed out each individual scene with environmental description of the surroundings. I always had a good idea as to what I should be standing in through Mathilda’s POV—same you’re your character descriptions. Most of my comments will be to nitpick on other aspects of your story, such as the way pokemon are treated. I feel as though that should be an aspect that’s scrutinized especially hard, given Mathilda’s background.

Where sign language is concerned, I’ve seen a number of contrasting suggestions on which way is best to portray a different form of language than spoken word, while also being respectful to the deaf and mute. One side argues that it should be treated like any language, and be wrapped within quotation marks, as quotation marks exist to indicate an exact thing that’s being said. Another camp advocates for italics. The way your story is set up reminds me of an old book series I used to read, called Animorphs. How you set it up is up to you, but my personal recommendation would be to use quotation marks, sans words that indicate speech, such as ‘shouted.’ I think ‘said’ is fine, because a person signing something is still saying something, just in a nonverbal language.

I suppose I’ll go full nit-pick for this review, so sorry if some of this comes off as annoying or anything. Golett is genderless in the pokedex, but you could have a good reason for your golett’s being male.

Something I see a lot in this word is a replacement for the word ‘said.’ In fact, when I did a word search for the word, the first time I encountered it was in a different chapter, with only 15 mentions, overall. Use said. Said is your friend. Some consistency is good for writing; save words like ‘yelled’ or ‘interjects’ for moments where you want special emphasis to be put on that sentence. A word said too many times will lose its value. ‘Said’ may be bland, but it’s just there to indicate speech—context should clue the reader in as to how it’s being said most of the time.

The word ‘upheaval’ here seems to specific, not like I’d imagine a conversation would go here: ‘”After all the upheaval that had gone on the past few years.’” This might flow a bit better: ‘After all that’s happened’

I really enjoyed the setup for the reveal that our protagonist was an ex-Plasma Grunt. Everything from the apprehension to the italicized curse in its own paragraph really sold me on the anxiety. That’s one of your strong suits, I can tell: pacing the story through a realistic pace, feeling the emotions that would naturally unfold as each encounter unfolds itself.

Speaking of such… You’ve opened up a really big can of worms when you introduced a very sentient/sapient gollet—who can express himself directly, no less—while also using phrases such as “’Oh, it’s yours?’” That, combined with the way golett is treated—like a second class citizen, or not a citizen at all, by Dawn’s having to expressly permit golett to stay, is especially iffy. Would Mathilda have asked Yollete if he wouldn’t mind going back into his high-tech sack if the situation had arisen whejst re he were not allowed any further? Are pokemon people in your story? If not, what does it take to qualify as being a person?

The existence of pokemon which are capable of independent thought, battling, *capturing them,* etc. is a really, really, *really* big issue that the pokemon community tends to just skate around, for the most part. The most common excuses for it I’ve heard are just affirmations of the status quo, namely that pokemon which have the emotional and mental faculties comparable to humans, should inherently be subservient to them, and just accept their fate when beaten up and basically kidnapped from their homes in the wild, where they then go on to participate in nomadic gladiatorial events. Bonus points if the trainer gets all the credit. Another argument uses the Black and White games to disprove pokemon as maybe being just a little bit like slavery, but the games never engaged with the issue fully, and it’s doubtful that the makers of a multi-billion company would ever truly clash with their cash cow at the level it really needs to be addressed.

Your story could address that rather sizeable ethics conundrum in the future and is already set up well enough for doing so. But saving sentient pokemon from people who would beat them, but still toting around those sentient pokemon with independent thought as items (‘”Oh, it’s yours?’”) might just be a tad hypocritical if not. Again, I don’t know where you’re taking this story, I just want you to be aware of the scope of the ethical questions that the Pokemon fandom faces when engaging with this sort of thing. Pokemon should have some level of agency beyond being accessories for their trainers, that sort of thing.

‘“Let’s see here, your name is Mathilda Kasdan, yes we know that already.”’ I like this dialogue. It comes off as very organic, redundant in just the perfect way actual speech patterns tend to lapse into when thinking out loud.

Where climate is concerned, I’m not really sure why you state that Sinnoh is a lot colder than Unova is. Sinnoh only has one major source of ice, save for the peaks of Mt. Coronet, and that’s isolated in the north. By comparison, Unova has two enormous, snowy mountains, which add a good amount of white space to the map. If my memory serves, Unova was a fairly cold region, and Sinnoh even has a beach resort. I think you could fix this easily by mentioning where, exactly, she was born and raised, but the location you chose is also kind of counter-intuitive. Iccirus City is one giant block of snowy stuff. Why would she feel abnormally cold when she’s going to a place so dominantly occupied by frost to Sandgem Town, which is notably very temperate, based on how the weather looks in-game?

Making a broad statement, such as a region’s climate being cold, might not work as well as saying a specific area within a region possesses a cold climate. You won’t be cold in one of Unova’s deserts during the day, but you’ll likely be freezing inside one of its arctic mountain caves or surrounding areas. You’ve mentioned Accumula Town by name, and seeing as that was the source of a major Team Plasma rally, it could be an originating source of pro-pokemon-rights sentiment in the story, which is how Mathilda got inducted.

Also—speaking of the word inducted, how Mathilda introduces her encounter with Team Plasma seems contradictory. “I was inducted – no, wait, indoctrinated, more like – into the ranks of the team” gives off the vibe that she was born into the cult, or that she had no choice, like if someone in her family were a prominent member, and forcibly coerced her to be a part of it. But when she talks about it, she states that she joined of her own volition, because at the time it had just been for pokemon rights. She was even able to leave before it got too out of hand. It’s possible that she’s just an unreliable narrator, but that wasn’t the feeling that I got from this section.

I’m not sold on laziness being the reason for her bangs still being orange. If it’s a source of shame for her, something she doesn’t want others to know or suspect about her, then why keep a core identitying characteristic that Team Plasma used to identify themselves to others as being a part of Team Plasma? I would understand its remaining as a reminder, some source of shame that she’s punishing herself with, but not that she couldn’t be bothered to take twenty minutes in a barber’s shop to hide her past a little bit more easily. If you want it to be understood as a reminder, I’d edit out the bit explaining that the bangs’ remaining orange was because she was lazy.

“’So you’ve never stolen someone else’s pokémon?” Dawn asks.

I look down at the floor. “That’s…I mean, no, I never stole a pokémon for Plasma.”

While Dawn breathes a sigh of relief and Rowan gives a contented nod, I turn to Yossele, who shakes his head. The message is clear. Nothing more needs to be said.”

Nope. No stolen pokemon here, nosiree. I like the foreshadowing, but I feel as though the nod at Yossele was a bit on-the-nose.

“In your kindness and fervor towards the well-being of pokémon, I see echoes of Champions in you. Embrace it.’” I liked this passage. It’s inspirational and very much the sort of thing you’d expect from an esteemed mentor, such as Professor Rowan.

Now, I mentioned the whole pokemon rights can of worms, but there’s another common story aspect that people tend to skate over as well. Pokemon trainers are bound to get better over time. That means that, just as Ash *shouldn’t* have had any trouble facing the trainer-neophyte Casey in the Johto anime, not to mention any subsequent match against newer trainers with Pikachu, a trainer that’s had eight years to learn the ropes and become stronger is bound to wipe the floor with eighteen-year-old Mathilda. I don’t know the full extent of your story yet, you could have her battle history be a secret. Maybe she was actually a saboteur for Plasma, which required her to know how to train a pokemon for battle. But the fact remains that a thirteen-year-old with some battle experience is still going to realistically wipe the floor with her, at the very least for a little while.

Someone I know feels very passionately about this subject, and she’s made several other guides that can be of general use to a pokemon fic writer. I’ll drop a link here, in case you ever want to give the forum a browsing: www.fanfiction.net/topic/216173/174006023/1/TRAINERS-START-AT-TEN

I’d cut “I don’t know what my friends were seeing in him, Professor Rowan is pretty nice.” into two sentences.

“and a money exchange service for the customary after-battle exchange.’” Nice detail! I like it when people explain things like this that don’t make a whole lot of sense in the games. Fanfiction has to pull a lot of Pokemon games’ slack, I’ve found, when it comes to explaining their universe as something that makes sense when you give it some thought for more than thirty seconds.

‘“Actually, I can just use VenMa for that,” I interrupt.” I also like this line. Name brand-esque kind of things really pull the reader in in terms of immersion.

Lastly, while you don’t capitalize the word ‘pokemon’ or the various species within the larger term, you capitalize the word ‘trainer’. As that’s also a generic common noun, I’d keep that in lowercase as well. I really enjoyed this story! It’s actually one of the best-written pokemon fics I’ve ever read. I hope my comments can be of service to you and your story. And again, sorry if anything came off as rude or demanding or anything like that. That was never the intent behind any of my review. Cheers!

Last Edit: Feb 16, 2019 7:08:45 GMT by cipher001

admin

Posts: 272

Ionization (Slight M) Feb 17, 2019 4:48:28 GMT

Post by admin on Feb 17, 2019 4:48:28 GMT

Oh, Aiden.

Now, I can't say too much because you've told me where her story is going to go privately, but just looking at this chapter, so far ... I'd call her cute. She's bubbly, she's energetic...

...and she's exactly what Mattie needs to be pulled out of her head.

That said, I have to say this is more of a transitional chapter, and that's cool, as Amby implied above. I mean, last chapter was a gym chapter, so of course, you've got to lay the tracks towards getting Mattie to Eterna, right? Well, with that in mind, this was a nice little transition, but I think the best part about it is Mattie's trajectory here. She starts off kinda withdrawing into herself, feeling sorry for herself, even. As she should, really, given the fact that she left off the last chapter realizing she's kinda a dick—or at least has been one to David. I especially like the little bit of internal dialogue about how she's only really accepting her winnings from Roark because she can't very well call herself a selfish asshole if she didn't. Like, this girl is just dead set on wallowing in self-flagellation, rather than consider David a learning experience or simply figure out how to grow from there. I mean, Mattie won her battle and clearly did a decent job of raising Yossele and getting Jonathan ready for a gym match against a rock-type so soon, so she can't exactly be all that bad, but because she's not perfect and because she had a rocky past that focuses heavily on her imperfections, she doesn't want to ask herself how to, you know, not be a dick to David. It's in general the mark of someone who's heavily steeped in self-righteousness, as would be fitting for an ex-Plasma.

Speaking of, second point that I liked: that internal monologue in which Mattie tries to analyze David. Once again, it's all about David. Why was he a prick beforehand? Why is he trying to respect me now? He wouldn't fit in with Plasma—but wait, why am I wishing Plasma on him in the first place? It's like, the most important question here isn't "why is David trying to respect me"; it really should be "why doesn't he respect me, and is this something I should improve upon"? But that never comes up until the very last second, right before Patty interrupts. And it's just so fascinating to watch this happen because this is really the first time Mattie is ever truly criticized in this fic. (Even in the flashback, Officer Grayson criticizes Mattie's mother, rather than Mattie herself. It's almost like anyone who antagonizes Mattie is up for scrutiny by the rest of the cast/the story, but David? David is different because although the story originally painted him as kinda a jerk, we're learning more and more that maybe, just maybe, he's not actually that bad.) Yet when she's criticized—here, at least—her first instinct is really to feel sorry for herself and withdraw and dwell on that criticism, rather than take more proactive or self-reflective steps to understand what she's being told and, to paraphrase her just before Patty steps in, what that says about her.

But then Aiden comes along with her fairly adorable tropius (I'm sorry; it's not my fave

), and she is just like this ray of sunshine: a million questions and a lot of energy. There is some chemistry between her at Mattie at the moment, but it's subtle, like that bit about how Mattie thinks a smile is a good look on her and all. That and with Blake out of the picture, for the moment and Roark off doing gym business, Aiden came at basically the right time to help push Mattie along, lift her spirits, and generally balance out that gruff negativity she seems to carry. I know I'm supposed to pretend that I'm not aware that Aiden will be a recurring character, but suffice to say, it'll be fun to see where Aiden's arc goes from here on out. If anything, like oyster, I'm well aware that no one who's this bubbly can stay bubbly for long, especially in a fic like this. So ... it'll be fun to watch her, yes.

codabear48

Slowly but surely working on a thing

Posts: 5

Ionization (Slight M) Mar 7, 2019 1:52:50 GMT

Post by codabear48 on Mar 7, 2019 1:52:50 GMT

Hey there Dan ^^

I'm not done yet, but I'll go ahead and post my musings on the first four chapters. I look forward to reading the rest!

Chap 1
- So far I like the dialog; it feels natural and it's clear who’s speaking.
- I’m interested in knowing why Mattie is starting so late and her involvement in Team Plasma.
- You do a good job of sprinkling character actions in between dialog, and I think it’s really cool that she and the golett know how to sign.

Chap 2
- A little more setting/ description detail would be nice, but I got caught up in reading to really notice anyway. It was just something I wondered from time to time.

Chap 3
- “I’m watching the video that Yossele recorded last night, and I don’t [know] whether to be mad at myself for being so idiotic”
Near the top after Mattie took the pill

- So far I don’t have much to comment on ^^” I’ve been enjoying it and seeing that it’s been up for a year now, I assume you’ve worked on it since initially posting.

Chap 4
- I find it interesting that Mattie still calls him “Lord N”, seeing how she was all wrapped up in Team Plasma and is no longer a grunt (at this point in the story >>).
- Just a suggestion, have “I just see Koby.” as its own paragraph; it could act more like a transition to Mattie remembering the incident and have more focus/ emotional impact.
- “He can use Kinesis pretty effectively, too, if that’s any help” I assume Telekinesis; is Kinesis purposefully shortened?

Spaghetti thoughts; somewhere in-between I forgot

Dtmahanen

Witnessing (and participating in) shenanigans

Posts: 123

Ionization (Slight M) Mar 12, 2019 3:29:31 GMT

Post by Dtmahanen on Mar 12, 2019 3:29:31 GMT

IT HAS BEEN 450 YEARS SINCE THE LAST CHAPTER UPDATE!!

~~(Okay, maybe not actually that long, but it sure as hell feels like it.)~~

Thank you all so much for all of the feedback you've given me in my absence. Believe me, every bit of it has been taken into account as I go forward.

BUT! Having said all that, you're not here for introductions, your here for the chapter. And I can finally say that I can provide. Chapter 8, AWAAAAAAAAY!

CHAPTER 8: Strike Against Fuego

Gardenia Fletcher is sitting with Roark when we enter the gym, checking her PokéGear. She looks a little impatient, but as soon as she sees us, her eyes light up. I can’t help but notice her eyes darting to me before settling on Aiden. She stands up quickly and rushes over to us.

“Oh good, you found her,” she says to Aiden, before quickly turning to me and shaking my hand. “Hi, Mattie, I’m Gardenia. Roark told me about you already, but it’s nice to meet you in person.”

“Yeah, hi, nice to meet you,” I stammer. “You seem like you’re in a bit of a hurry. Something up?”

“Yeah, is something going on, Ms. Fletcher?” Aiden asks. Her eyes get a little bigger. “Wait, is there something wrong at the site?”

“I’ll explain on the way, but yeah, Aaron just called, and we need to get moving.” Gardenia’s face visibly relaxes as she turns back to Roark and gives him a quick peck on the cheek. “Sorry I couldn’t stay longer like we planned, but you know how these things go.”

“No worries, being a Ranger comes first,” Roark replies. “Let’s plan on meeting up in Solaceon, then. Give it a month or so?”

“I should be free in 3 weeks. We’ll take a weekend.”

“Sounds like a plan.”

With another quick kiss on the lips, the two separated, and Arceus dammit they’re freaking cute! However, as Gardenia walks away from Roark, she starts rapidly brushing her auburn hair behind her ear and sending a text with her other hand. It’s almost supernatural how quickly her mood seems to shift. “Aiden, could you get a couple of your flyers ready to go? We need to get to the Ironworks quickly, see if we can salvage the situation there.”

“You’re okay with bringing Mattie along?” she responded incredulously. “You just met her.”

“It’s fine, I’ll explain what’s going on to her on the way. You can ride Vito; Mattie can ride with me on Patricia.”

Aiden opens her mouth to respond, but seems to think better of it quickly and snaps her jaw shut. With a shrug, she grabs a blue-and-red Pokéball from her belt, and summons forth a beautiful black-and-white bird. It ruffles its white neck ruff as though it’s stretching after a nice nap, and slowly waddles out of the Gym. I can only assume that this is the honchkrow that Aiden had mentioned during our walk.

I feel a tap on the shoulder, and Gardenia is standing next to me. “We need to talk for a second,” she tells me, a grim look on her face.

“Is this about what’s going on at the, uh…”

“Fuego Ironworks, yeah,” she interjects.

“But I thought you were gonna tell both of us about what’s going on while we were going there.”

“I am…” She hesitates. Takes a breath. “There’s some stuff that you might need to know before we get there. It’ll be more meaningful to you than Aiden, and I need to warn you in advance before asking you for help.”

I feel my face contort into a weird sort of scowl. I understand what she’s saying immediately.

“Have they identified themselves?”

“Aaron – he’s an Elite Four member, by the way, he’s in charge of what’s going on there – he gave me their names. Mason Castor and George Pollux. He got them from an anonymous tip. Do you know them?”

Arceus dammit, not George! “Yeah, they were Opelucid Branch. George is a quintessential Plasma die-hard. I like Mason. He can be reasoned with. George is stupid and more zealous, but at least he’s not a thug. You’re gonna need my help.”

Gardenia arches an eyebrow at that. “You…you don’t know the context of what’s going on at the Ironworks, how – and I mean no offense by this – how do you honestly think you’re going to help with this?”

I sigh. Not out of frustration at Gardenia, because really, how could she know? It was more out of anger that I actually have to do this. “They’re not gonna listen to you,” I say. “Those two, the only authorities they hold are the Plasma Sages, N, and other members.” I take a quick look to check if anyone else is watching. Seeing no one, I begrudgingly open my hoodie slightly, showing Gardenia the design on the inside. Her eyes grow wide with what I can only assume is shock. I nod.

“I’m pretty sure I’ll have some sway, though,” I continue. “Mason will be easy, George will be tough, but since he’s a hard-liner, he won’t have any pokémon on him, so you or I can surprise him with ours if necessary.” I gesture to Yossele, who’s standing beside me silently. It always disconcerts me how, if he’s not moving, he could practically pass for a statue. “Plus, they don’t know that I turned myself in, and I was a hard-liner for a couple of months. I organized rallies for some time. They know me, they respect me, and if you’ll let me, I’ll do what I can to talk them down.”

Gardenia gives me a hard look. I know what I’m doing is potentially undermining the authority of a Ranger. I might be putting myself in a dangerous situation, and she and I both know it, and that’s the last thing she wants anyone to do.

But she also knows I’m right, so I’m not surprised when she slowly gives me a nod.

“Okay. If the situation demands it, you’ll talk them down. But only if there isn’t any chance of physical danger to you or anyone else.”

I nod. “And hey,” I say, trying to force a smile, “maybe I’m wrong and Aaron can solve the situation himself. That’s what I want to happen, anyway.”

Gardenia’s face stretches into a forced smile of her own. “Let’s hope that’s what goes down.”

-----------------------

Needless to say, that’s not the situation we find at the Fuego Ironworks.

The flight is somewhat uncomfortable, and I find myself clinging really hard to Gardenia’s torso as she expertly guides Aiden’s tropius through the air. It’s a very bumpy ride, though, and there are long stretches of the trip where my eyes are very, very closed.

Oh, and Yossele is in his Pokéball. Obviously.

“So, Mattie,” Aiden explains, trying to raise her voice over the rushing wind, “we were working on a conservation project at the Ironworks, sponsored by Elias Fuego himself.”

“And here I thought big businesses didn’t care about anything other than money,” I reply. “What’s the project?”

“Ever since Fuego Ironworks went green four years ago,” Gardenia says, “the area’s become a lot more habitable for pokémon. Mr. Fuego’s been working with Aaron Ventura and Burgh Cárdenas to see if they could possibly introduce larvesta into the Ironworks Woods. I’ve been working on the project for a while, and we’re thinking that the effort could succeed without any serious damage to the present ecosystem. Aiden and I were there, getting ready for the introduction ceremony.”

My eyes open a little at that revelation. Burgh has been very vocal about wanting to save the larvesta species for years, as they were nearly driven to extinction hundreds of years ago, so this is an exciting bit of news. “That’s…that’s amazing, Gardenia! That’s incredible news! But why here and not Unova?”

“We thought about it. There isn’t any land in Unova that’s both warm and forested enough for them to thrive anymore, and since larvesta have already been introduced safely in Alola’s Lush Jungle, this was determined to be the next best option.”

“So what happened?” Aiden inquired.

“Some guys broke into the Ironworks and are trying to dismantle it. They’re claiming it’s harming the pokémon in area. Were it five years ago, maybe they’d have a point, but now it’s just as safe for wildlife as anywhere else in the region.”

“Maybe they’re working off old info?” Aiden wonders aloud.

Of course they are, I think. If they’re old Plasma people, they’re only gonna believe information that serves their own purposes. And they’re DEFINITELY gonna go against anything that League officials are involved with. It’s how some of the more unscrupulous Showrunners whipped people into a frenzy. Hell, I did that once or twice before developing a soul.

But “maybe” is all I can think of to say.

Thankfully the journey doesn’t last much more than a few hours, since Aiden’s pokémon are apparently very fast flyers, but my butt is completely numb by the time we arrive. We’re waved down by a tall, lanky man who I can only assume is Aaron.

And thankfully the Ironworks aren’t on fire.

“What’s the sitrep, Aaron?” Gardenia asks, vaulting off the back of the tropius. “Have there been any changes?”

“Nothing, thankfully,” he responds, “save for one little hiccup.” He motions to his leg, and I notice that hiding behind him is the cutest little fuzzy bug I’ve ever seen. I can just make out its little blue eyes poking out of the white fluff on its head focusing on me. Its small orange crest frills are pulled back, and its hair is bristling. Honestly, it looks a little scared.

“Yeah, he’s the little hiccup,” Aaron says, noticing my staring. “Tiny Torch here was gonna help start the larvesta tribe, but the events here have left him a little rattled.” He gives me a look as he bends over to stroke the larvesta’s back. “I recognize you, kid. Mattie Kasdan, right?”

I’m a little surprised he’s so nonchalant about mentioning that he knows who I am. I look to Gardenia for a bit of guidance, but she’s not really paying attention, instead focusing on assessing how the surroundings look and judging whether or not it’s safe. I think Aiden caught it, though, as she’s eyeing me. I try to give her a look to say, “Don’t worry, I’ll explain later,” but I’m not sure she notices. Thankfully, Gardenia, somewhat oblivious, intervenes by taking her aside.

“Why don’t you and your pokémon go and check out the surrounding forest, make sure that the environment hasn’t been agitated,” she says. There’s a quick glance in my general direction. I get it. This is like what Roark did with Blake, only somehow less subtle. And Aiden’s clearly not buying it.

“Why would I need to check the forest?” she inquires. “I feel like the most important area to check is right here.”

“We have some reason to believe that the men who have taken over the Ironworks are former Plasma agents,” Aaron interjects. “They’ve been known to use powerful explosives and chemical agents in the past. We don’t want any harm to come to the environment surrounding the factory. Things are calm here, but we can’t guarantee about the rest of the area.”

“Oooh, okay,” Aiden says. “That…yeah, that makes sense. Okay, will do.” She grabs another pokéball from her belt, waves to her tropius and honchkrow, and darts off into the nearby woods. We wait until she’s out of earshot before we all start talking again.

“Okay, what the hell was that, Gardenia?” he hisses. “We already checked the woods, like, two hours ago. You already know this, I sent you that in the text, so what’s the deal in deceiving her like that?”

“Well, you didn’t say anything to contradict me,” Gardenia responds. “Besides, I think it’s important that Aiden’s not here for dealing with the people inside.”

“And why is that?”

Gardenia pauses for a moment. “Is the Ironworks considered safe at the moment?”

Aaron lets out a short guffaw. “Yeah, it’s safe. These jokers wouldn’t know how to disable the establishment if I’d laid out the instructions in front of them. They were clearly going off dated info.”

“Yeah, kinda figured as much,” I mutter under my breath. I glance at Aaron, gesturing to the Ironworks. “Let me deal with them. I know the two guys in there, I might be able to talk them down. Believe me, you’re not going to, but I might have a chance.”

Aaron’s eyes widen in realization. It doesn’t take him long to piece together why Gardenia had given such a strange suggestion earlier. Of course, she hadn’t told me that they’d searched the woods earlier either, so Aaron’s statement had thrown me for a loop.

Doesn’t matter, though. What’s done is done, and Aaron knows it.

“Well, why do you think you’ll be able to convince them?”

“Simple.”

I take off my hoodie and begin to turn the sleeves inside out, as well as the rest of the sweater. I don’t have the white “V” flaps anymore, since the sweater was adjusted to be passable as civvies years ago, but it still looks like a uniform, albeit a bit more casual. I tighten the hood around my head, adjusting my hair so that none of my naturally red locks are super visible, leaving only the orange tips peeking out. I finish dressing up, mentally berating myself for the billionth time for still hanging on to this stuff after all that’s happened. I take a deep breath, almost instinctively placing my hand on the faded black, white, and blue logo on my chest.

“Because for all intents and purposes, I’m still one of them.”

----------------------------

The door to the Ironworks is stuck. Seems like they’ve barricaded themselves in. Makes sense. They don’t want anyone intruding on their work. I quickly summon Yossele.

{I need you to knock on the door as hard and loud as you can,} I sign. {Can you do that for me?}

{Yes I can,} he replies, {but wouldn’t it be bad if they know you have a pokémon? With everything you’ve told me about your former group, wouldn’t it be a bit of a betrayal?}

Phew, thank Arceus he was listening in. Was a little worried about that. {No, because I’m going to recall you to your pokéball as soon as I get their attention. They’ll never know you were here.}

He pauses. Thinks it over for a second. And then with three quick slams of his mud-brick fist, he pounds on the door. I actually worry for a moment that he’s dented the door with his strikes, but thankfully that’s not the case. I wait for a couple of seconds.

“We already told you,” a high-pitched, grating voice cuts in, “we’re not leaving until this plant is shut down! Either you’re gonna do it, or we’re gonna-”

“Hail, fellow Ions!” I yell. “I greet you, a lowly cell from Icirrus. Let me in, so we may speak!”

There’s a pause. I’m banking on using the formal Plasma greeting style might make them drop their guard, but’s it’s been three years since I’ve used it, and I’m not sure I got the words right. However, after about thirty seconds, I hear some shuffling, and feel the door begin to loosen. I turn to Gardenia and Aaron, silently motioning for them to get out of sight. They do so, and I can’t help but notice their faces. Aaron has a weird smirk on his face, and I get the sense that he’s sort of impressed, but maybe a little weirded out by the display. Hell, he might even be a little jealous that he couldn’t figure out how to do it, but I could.

Gardenia, though…there’s definitely some disgust on her face. I don’t think it’s entirely at me, since she’s not looking at my face, but at my uniform…but I can’t be sure. I’ll have to ask her about that.

As soon as they clear out, I retract Yossele back into his ball and wait. Thankfully, it’s not too long before the front door opens slightly. I see a dark brown eye looking at me from the other side. It widens after a moment.

“Mattie?” a lower voice asks. “Mattie Kasdan? What’re you doing here?”

“Hey Mason,” I reply, silently happy that he answered the door instead of George. “I was in the area, heard that something was going down. I wanted to see what was going on.”

“Well, come in, come in!” he exclaims, pushing the door open with his large frame. “I’m a little – hurgh – surprised you kept the cowl. Not many have.” Having opened the door enough for me to slip through, I can finally get a good look at him. He’s gotten a little more toned since I last saw him, with a good bit of muscle showing from his orange T-shirt.

Which I notice immediately, since that means he’s not wearing the Plasma cowl.

“Yourself included, I take it,” I say as I slip into the building. He gives a sheepish smile, quickly closing the door behind him. “Wonder why you’re on a mission in your civvies.”

“Yeah, that’s a bit of a long story,” he sighs, his eyes looking towards the ground. “Being honest, I think I was a little bit duped into coming here. George said he wanted us to go to Sinnoh, just to see some sights, take a nice vacation together, and then he fucking ropes me in on this! He got a package and mission, like, two days ago from some former higher-up – who wants to remain anonymous, mind you, they don’t want to be exposed – and he wanted me to do it with him. ‘For old times’ sake’, you know?”

“Yeah, roping your best friend back into crime would make things a little awkward,” I attempt to joke. It’s not funny, so neither of us laugh. “So…what is George trying to do here?”

“I mean, I think he already said it when we heard the knocks,” Mason replies, checking further inside. I turn my head to where he’s looking. I don’t see George at all. “He’s trying to shut the Ironworks down. Claims it’s a danger to the pokémon in the area. Said that the anonymous higher-up ordered that it had to be today. Wonder why that is?”

“Because a bunch of reasons,” I reply. I hesitate for a second, then continue, albeit much more quietly. “Look, I get that you two are friends, and that George thinks that what he’s doing is for the greater good, but this isn’t okay. You’re trespassing, first off, and if you really look at how the Ironworks have been operating for a while, it’s the safest for pokémon that it’s ever been. And, like, even when it was spewing sludge – and I don’t deny it did – pokémon lived and thrived here! So, what’s the point in trying to get this shut down?”

“I don’t know!” Mason hisses. “It’s bad enough that I’m here against my will, but I feel even more like shit because I sent a fucking anonymous tip to the League behind George’s back! Arceus, I feel like I’m fucking betraying my boyfriend, but, like, what else am I supposed to do?!”

Oh. Wait. Not just friend, but boyfriend? That’s…a lot to take in. Not sure how to feel about that.

However, that actually answers a nagging question I’ve had all day. And gives me an idea on how to get Mason out of this.

“Does…does George know about the tip?”

“No, of course not.”

I take a deep breath, then continue. “Okay, being honest myself, I’m not actually here by chance. I knew you were here being disruptive, and I wanted to try to get you out. Or, at least, just George at this point.” Another breath. “If you actually did tip the League, it sure as hell worked. Both Aaron Ventura, an Elite Four member, and Gardenia Fletcher, a Gym Leader and Ranger, are outside right now. The only reason they’re not talking right now is because I know that George doesn’t like to listen to people he doesn’t know.” I place a hand on his shoulder. “I have two questions. One, are you still against the concept of Trainers having pokémon?”

He lets out a guffaw. “Mattie, I haven’t been living under a rock like George has. I’ve figured out that Plasma’s ideology was a front by now. If you have pokémon, I won’t be mad.”

“Cut straight to the point. I like it.” I pull out a pokéball. “No noise, Jonnie. I need you to be quiet until I say so.” I summon the zubat, who thankfully follows my instructions while perching on my shoulder. I take out my PokéGear. “Two, are you okay with George getting in trouble? Because I might be able to get you out of trouble, but there’s no way in hell I can do the same for George at this point.”

I can tell that this is a much more difficult question for Mason, as he brushes my hand off and turns away from me, starting to pace. I’ve known these two ever since the organization I’d originally joined became a part of Plasma, and they’ve always been incredibly close. This must be so hard for him.

He turns to me. “I…could…I want you to tell the League to be lenient on him. I know he’ll hate me for doing this, but I gotta do what I think is best for us. H-he’s doing what he thinks is right, you know that.” He looks down at his feet again. “I don’t want him to suffer for this, but…I’ve lived with this for way too long. I can’t keep telling him that it’s alright to keep obsessing over Plasma. I love the guy, but I…I can’t do this anymore.”

I nod. I can’t help but think of when I went to the Icirrus police station and ratted. I didn’t have any such qualms. I was so selfish when I told them everything. And honestly, it’s because I didn’t – and don’t – have a George like…Mason does, apparently. Typing a quick message to Gardenia, letting her know everything that Mason just told me, I walk up to him again. I give him a hug, which thankfully he returns.

“I’ll do what I can.”

--------------------------

The heat inside the building is starting to get to me a bit. I ask Mason why George hadn’t answered me at the door when I knocked (while also mentioning that it was Yossele who’d actually done the knocking), to which he replied that he freaked out a little bit when he heard the formal Plasma greeting. He was apparently in his civvies as well, but had brought a uniform because of course he would. Dude’s a fanatic. Apparently, he’s changing. Because of course he is.

“How do you want to play this, Mason?” I ask, cracking my knuckles. “I can talk all I want, but when I came in here, I was banking on convincing you first, then riding the momentum to convince George. Obviously, that’s not happening, so do you have a plan B?”

“The bones of one,” he replies, fishing something out of a bag he’s stashed in a corner. “The only way you’ll be able to get George to leave is if you can convince him that this isn’t what Plasma would want.”

“Even though this is totally what Plasma would do,” I mutter.

“Regardless, the fact that you’re wearing the cowl is a start. He’ll trust a face he knows more than an anonymous person who randomly decides to text him.”

“But I was just a Grunt, and they’re an admin, or something.”

“An admin with connections to big business,” he says, producing an already opened cardboard box from the bag. I take a look at the packaging, and find the brand on the backside.

And wouldn’t you know it, it’s Paulson Shipping.

“I knew it!” I hiss. “I knew that he was related to Plasma somehow.”

“What do you mean?” Mason asks.

“I’ve run into this guy, David, a couple of times since I’ve been here. Fanatical Plasma supporter, huge ass, and – get this – he’s a Paulson.”

“And that means…what, exactly?”

“Think about it. How would anyone know that you were in the area unless they were in the area too?” I slap my hand against my forehead. “And to think he has the gall to call me out on my actions, when his family is clearly acting illegally!”

“…y’know, that makes a little too much sense,” he mumbles. “Especially considering he got a new uniform in the box. Don’t think he paid much attention to the branding.”

“Would he care if he knew about this?”

“More than you’d think, actually.”

“Then we have a plan. Let’s find him.”

Mason leads me further into the building. All across the floor, I notice floor panels with a conspicuous arrow design. Mason tells me to avoid those, since apparently, they send people flying if they’re stepped on. Meant to prevent robbers from finding valuables. Makes sense to me, at least. A little convoluted, though. After a little more walking, carefully avoiding any arrow panels, we find a side hallway behind some boxes.

And there’s George – in full Plasma regalia – on the ground, holding his ankle like he tripped.

“Ah, shit, can you help me up? I must’ve –” George stops upon seeing me. I see his eyes scanning me from behind his long, sandy brown hair. Looking at my uniform in particular. “Uh, hey Mattie. It’s, uh…it’s been a while.”

“It has,” I say, offering my hand to help him up. “Keeping yourself outta trouble?”

“I mean, so far I’ve been doing alright,” he replies, grabbing my hand, “but I think I twisted my –”

“Let me stop you right there, George,” I interrupt. “I’m not here to make nice. I’m here to get you to leave the Ironworks, and you’re not in a whole lot of position to argue.”

“…the fuck do you mean, you’re making me leave?”

“I mean, I think I’m stating the obvious here,” I continue. “You’re trespassing, you dragged Mason into your shenanigans, and to top it off, you clearly don’t realize that pokémon are thriving here.”

“Oh really?” George replies, now leaning on Mason’s shoulder. “Take a look at that crack in the wall.”

Curious, I glance over where he motioned. There is, indeed, a crack in the wall. I slowly approach it and peek my head in.

There’s a nest. A small collection of scrap metal and burnt grass is collected together in a bundle, nestled into a dark patch near the back. And from this little heap of stuff, four pairs of yellow cat eyes look back at me. One of them is a little bigger than the others, and it is staring at me intently.

“Huh,” I mumble. “That’s something I didn’t expect to see.”

“I know, right?” George exclaims. “That family of shinx is trapped in the crumbling walls of this contemptible establishment. What more reason do you need for it to be shut down?!”

“… dude.” I walk over to him and place a hand on his shoulder, pointing to the crack in the wall. “That’s a nest in there. Those shinx live here. They definitely don’t seem like they’re in danger.”

“Are you kidding me?” George exclaims. “They’re scared shitless!”

“Maybe because some unfamiliar weirdo just barged into their territory and started making a scene!” I say, feeling my voice begin to rise. “You ever thought that you might be the one causing the problem here?”

“Are you fucking kidding me?” He turns to Mason. “She’s gotta be kidding, right?”

“Look, I think she might have a point, George,” Mason responds. “You did make a point of yelling constantly about how you were gonna ‘shut the plant down’, and if they consider it their home, then maybe –”

“Oh sure, take her side,” George interjects. “You’re supposed to be my support here.”

“You dragged me into this, you know!”

“You never said you didn’t wanna do this, Mason!”

“Because you never let me get a fucking word in edgewise, George!” Mason is leaning in, getting right in George’s face. “You always fucking do this, and I’m not taking this shit from you anymore! What you’re doing is wrong, and I’m fucking done!” He pushes George away from him. “I’m not gonna keep kowtowing to you. Did it for three fucking years, and I’m sick of it. Plasma is done. It’s high time you figured that out.” He produces the box and throws it at George’s feet. “Oh, and they’re taking dirty fucking money, so there goes your moral high ground.”

George stares at the box. He takes in the Paulson Shipping logo. Then he looks at Mason.

Back to the box.

Back to Mason.

Then he turns to me.

There are tears streaming down his face.

“Did you put him up to this?” he asks me. “Did you get him to betray me?”

I take a breath.

“Plasma betrayed all of us first. They never really had the interests of people and pokémon at heart.”

“How dare you say that!”

“THEY KILLED KOBY!!!” I can’t stop myself from screaming at him. “They never cared about us, and they killed my best friend through their own negligence!” I get right up in his face. “By being here, by doing this, you’re ignoring every awful thing Plasma ever did for their phony cause.”

“Then why are you wearing the uniform?”

I want to respond. I want to tell him that I never believed in the same ideals as he did. But the words are stuck in my throat. His words make me feel weird. Sad. Ashamed, even.

I can’t...I can’t think about that right now.

“I don’t have to explain myself to you.” I’m done playing nice, so I grab Yossele’s pokéball and summon him. “Yosie, grab his hands for me. We’re done here.”

George gives me a look that I can only describe as horror as Yossele forcibly yanks his hands behind his back. “Traitor,” he spits at me.

I turn away from him, wiping my eyes to get rid of the tears welling up. “Let’s go.”

It doesn’t take us long to reach the front entrance of the Ironworks, and Gardenia and Aaron are there to meet us. I also notice that there are some policemen here. Wordlessly, George and Mason are taken in by the cops, George in cuffs. It’s a sad sight.

“That was really well done, Mattie,” I hear Gardenia say. “I had my doubts, but you clearly knew what you were doing.”

“Only because I knew them personally,” I reply, summoning Yossele from his ball. “If it had just been any two random schmoes, I’m not sure it would’ve gone that well. I was lucky.”

“Maybe, but I’m still impressed that it all went…” She stops talking. I see her face drop.

“What’s up?” I ask. I turn to where she’s looking.

And I see Aiden, having just re-emerged from the woods, staring at me. More specifically, she’s staring at my hoodie.

And it’s right around now that I realize that I haven’t turned it back around yet.

“Mattie…what the fuck am I looking at?”

Last Edit: Mar 21, 2019 20:09:01 GMT by Dtmahanen

“Most of the titles for my pieces arrive because on computer, you have to call them something. So I have.” -Ringo Starr

girl-like-substance

the seal will bite you if you give him half a chance

Posts: 527
Pronouns: xe/xem

Ionization (Slight M) Mar 18, 2019 23:11:49 GMT

Post by girl-like-substance on Mar 18, 2019 23:11:49 GMT

This … might be my favourite chapter yet, actually! Really nice work here, especially with the changes you made to George and Mason's relationship. Because this is a fic about what Plasma does to people, and having Plasma's legacy shown as so deeply entrenched, still, even after all this time, really makes a lot of difference. The massive pressure it's placed on their relationship – Mason enabling George because he falls just a little short of the mark when it comes to bravery, so that he ends up not just tolerating his lingering belief in Plasma but almost encouraging him – plus that whole bit where George starts changing his argument in response to every point Mattie throws up, just for the sake of continuing to support an idea that he can't admit doesn't have legs … this is some great character drama! And it brings the themes you've been developing so far to a head, too.

Because the scrutiny of Mattie's own relationship to Plasma has ratcheted up another notch here. Wearing her old Plasma uniform, going to the trouble of having it adjusted so it passes for normal clothing – these are not the actions of someone with her life together! :P Like, on the one hand, she wants to atone by helping out here, but on the other, she's been walking around Sinnoh, on her trainer journey of all things, in her old Plasma clothes. It says a lot about her and about how hard it is to leave what you've fairly unambiguously presented as a very culty organisation. What concerns me most is that either nobody has sat her down and tried to help her past this – or she hasn't let them, and she's clung onto this even as she knows she should give it up. Because she does know that; you're very clear that she's been telling herself to get rid of this stuff for ages. And yet here, well, here it is.

Anyway, it seems like she can't avoid a reckoning too much longer: she's going to have to talk to Aiden, and given that the two of them really hit it off before, just withdrawing into herself and saying she doesn't have to justify herself the way she does with George probably isn't going to cut it. Sure, she could do that. But that would pretty much put paid to whatever relationship she might want to cultivate here, so … yeah, it'll be interesting to see how this one turns out.

But enough of my character ramblings! I have some more specific things I noted down as I read through, as usual:

being a Ranger come first.

That should be 'comes' first.

Mason Castor and George Pollux

Didn't mention it earlier because it wasn't relevant to the betaing, but like, I'd feel weird about dating someone whose name was Pollux if mine was Castor. :V

silently happy that he had answered the door instead of George.

That 'had' shouldn't be there.

'For old time's sake,' you know?

Not sure why this is in quotation marks, but if you want to keep it that way, the comma should go outside them, as it's not a part of the quotation. Also, the 'times' in that setting are plural, so the comma ought to be after the S.

So that's all from me! I liked this one a lot, and I think I like it the more for seeing how you've refined it between drafts. Nice work!

Last Edit: Mar 18, 2019 23:13:17 GMT by girl-like-substance

GHOST TOWN | GO HOME
& assorted one-shots

bay

Posts: 206

Ionization (Slight M) Mar 23, 2019 5:08:57 GMT

Post by bay on Mar 23, 2019 5:08:57 GMT

I too thought Manson and George's relationship brings this situation in a different light. I liked how the two have different views on how Team Plasma treated its members as a whole, and that it strained their relationship quite a bit. Mattie is also still coming to terms with her past, for instance her still keeping her hoodie uniform. And yeah, looks like she got some explaining to do with Aiden there.

sikesaner

Peace to the Mountain

Posts: 174

Ionization (Slight M) Mar 24, 2019 0:35:44 GMT

Post by sikesaner on Mar 24, 2019 0:35:44 GMT

HEY GUESS WHAT I JUST REREAD. :D That was a delight. Mattie’s narration was as good as I remember, and I still really like the idea of a golett starter and the way he communicates. So rad. :D

Anyway! On to the play-by-play for the stuff that’s come out since I last popped into this story...

I flop onto my bed and summon the zubat from earlier. He flits around the room for a couple of seconds, clearly getting a rise from flying annoyingly close to Yossele’s head, before plopping next to me on the bed. I tentatively reach over and scratch him behind his ear. He’s surprisingly fuzzy, and leans into it, clearly enjoying the attention.

Gosh he's adorable. Bats are adorable.

There’s a pause. I’m aware it’s a lot to take in, but he needs to hear it. Thankfully, Jonathan seems to get it, and gives a stern nod. He’s adopting human mannerisms pretty quickly. Is this normal? Have to ask Professor Rowan.

Sounds like he’s a pretty friendly little thing. Could prove valuable in the long run, seeing how crobat come to be.

“Jonnie, get away from him!” ~grab~ “No biting!”

~scree scray!~

{I think he’s angry that you rely on me so much.}

“Arceus, you’re such a diva. Jonnie, I just caught you, and I’ve been training with Yossele for years. You’re great, and I mean no offense, but I just know Yosie a little better.”

~eeree…~

“It’s alright, bud, you’re still cool.”

I can’t handle him. <3 He’s so adorable I just want to scream. You’re going to kill me with cute batness. I love it.

As I motion for Jonnie to enter the arena, the anorith actually gives him a little wave. Arceus, that’s adorable.

You’re going to kill me with cute bugness. I love it.

Oh, shit! I forgot anorith have range!

I may have initially misread that as “anorith have rage”.

SPOILER: Click to show

{Spoiler}

“Of course. I wouldn’t have it any other way.” He grabs another Pokéball from his belt. I recognize the yellow-and-black design. An Ultra Ball. “Fortunately,” he continues, “I have a scary one of my own. Show ‘em what you got, Moloch!”

That is a perfect name for a rampardos.

I turn to my left, and there’s a dinosaur.

I love this sentence. I love that the pokémon world has a legitimate reason for this sentence to happen. Pokémon really is the gift that keeps on giving, isn’t it?

I’m about to continue, but I feel a hand slam over my mouth, blocking the words from passing my lips. The hand tastes like clay. Yossele.

For some reason, the mention of him tasting like clay made me picture a bunch of parrots swarming in out of nowhere trying to get a nibble off him.

“Maybe, but I’m still impressed that it all went…” She stops talking. I see her face drop.

“What’s up?” I ask. I turn to where she’s looking.

And I see Aiden, having just re-emerged from the woods, staring at me. More specifically, she’s staring at my hoodie.

And it’s right around now that I realize that I haven’t turned it back around yet.

...Well, crap. And those two were hitting it off so well, too. Maybe there’s a chance they’ll still be able to get along after talking it over a bit. Maybe. I don’t know. I guess we’ll see!

Last Edit: Mar 24, 2019 0:38:03 GMT by sikesaner: fixing that thing under the spoiler

Dtmahanen

Witnessing (and participating in) shenanigans

Posts: 123

Ionization (Slight M) Mar 30, 2019 4:35:17 GMT

Post by Dtmahanen on Mar 30, 2019 4:35:17 GMT

Y'all. Seriously. I disappear for 6-7 months and you give me such good commentary and feedback. I missed you guys. Consider all of your comments taken into account and edits make.

Anyway, I've been sitting on this chapter for a bit, but it definitely came to me a little more easily than the last one. ~~Hence not taking 6 months to come out.~~ Anyway, I hope you all enjoy!

Chapter 9: Sparks of a Conversation

<------------------------------------------>

It’s been a few hours since we’ve left the Fuego Ironworks place. The one that Mattie calls Gardenia says that it’s not going to be possible to make it to Eterna City before nightfall, and she knows a place to camp out for the night. We’ve been walking there for a couple of hours now.

It’s been very quiet.

“I don’t like this,” I hear Patricia, the tropius, grunt to me. “Aiden is not normally this quiet, even when it’s just us.”

“Mattie can be this quiet,” I say. “She can be quiet for a long time. I’m used to it. What makes this so strange for you?”

“She likes to do stuff with us. Play sounds from her wrist thing, train while we walk, talk about the squiggles she likes to look at. At least have some of my other friends around her than just Vito.”

“I dunno, I kinda like this,” the large honchkrow responds as he flies towards us. “Don’t get me wrong, Aides is supah fun to be around, but she gets loud after a while. Hurts the ol’ noggin’, y’know?”

“You talk too much.”

“Ah, ya know you love me.” He flies over Patricia’s head, matching her speed. “And how many times I gotta tell ya, Trish, the squiggles are called ‘words’. She buys books with words in ‘em. Learn t’ read, won’t ya?”

“…oh, right, that’s what they’re called. ‘Words.’ Thanks for reminding me.”

We all laugh at Patricia’s confusion for a moment, including Patricia herself.

“I can read,” I tell Vito. “Mattie taught me how while I was learning to sign.”

“What’s sign? Izzat that weird thing you do with yer hands that your friend somehow understands?”

“Yes, it is. She knew it because her father can’t hear very well, so she taught me. Can you sign?”

“Nah, don’t have hands,” he caws. “Nice o’ ya to ask, though.”

“I try to be. Me being rude makes it more difficult for Mattie, so I try to make a good first impression.”

“Heh, good stuff. Glad to know ya like her. I can tell ya horror stories ‘bout some other Trainers we’ve met, so ‘s good to know the new girl’s a good one.”

“I could not agree more.”

After that, there is quiet again, but it’s more comfortable now. The amiable silence doesn’t last too long, though, as Jonathan comes flitting over to the group.

“Hey, back from exploring the open air, kind?” Vito says. “How ya likin’ the outside world?”

“Everything sounds super cool!” Jonathan screeches. “The air goes ‘whoosh’ all the time, the big tree things are all ‘crunch crunch’ and ‘swoosh swoosh’, and I think I heard some ‘pat pat’ of feet. Lots of cool sounds.”

“Good job, kid!” Vito exclaims, patting his back with the edge of his wing. He turns to me. “Damn, even without eyes, that kid’s a good scout. Imagine how he’ll be when he evolves.”

“Actually!” the zubat continues. “Actually, I think some of the ‘pat pats’ are familiar. I think I heard the same footfalls while we were in the Ironworks place.”

This gets my attention. “Is it a human or a pokémon?” I ask.

“Do humans walk on four feet?”

“I don’t think so.” Definitely a pokémon, then. “Where are they?”

“I’m, uh…I’m not good at directions, but I think behind us?”

I stop in my tracks and do a quick about-face. I scan the forest around us, trying to focus on any unique energy signatures, just like how I used to do in the Dragonspiral Tower. In doing so, I notice a signature stop moving when I look in its direction.

It looks…familiar somehow.

“Ya see anything, Yossele?” I hear Vito yell.

“I think so, but it’s nothing to worry about.”

“Okay, because I think the humans are talking about making camp. ‘S getting dark soon. Might wanna catch back up!”

I give a quick nod, and race back to the group.

<----------------------------------------->

“You sure you don’t need any help finding firewood?”

“Mattie, I know this area like the back of my hand. I’ll be fine.”

“I know, but like, are you sure?”

“Look, I know what you’re trying to do, but I’m not going to let you do it. You need to talk to her about it.”

“Arceus dammit, I know, Gardenia, I know! It’s just, it’s really awkward, and everyone’s told me I shouldn’t tell anyone, so I don’t really think it’s a good idea to–”

“It’s not, but you need to. Look, it was an honest mistake, and there are definitely worse people that this could’ve happened with, but it’s out there now, and you can’t keep avoiding talking about it.”

“…yeah, you’re right.”

“Okay. I’ll be back before you know it. Hey Aiden, I’m getting some firewood! You and Mattie hold down the fort while I’m gone, alright?”

“Sure.”

“Good luck, Mattie.”

“Thanks.”

I’ll need it.

--------------------------------

The silence between us is deafening.

Neither of us are even looking at each other. Aiden’s perched on her tropius’ back, chomping on a berry she collected while we were walking. Jonnie is resting on my shoulder, while Yossele is walking around the tree line. Me, I’m just sitting with my back against a nearby tree, twiddling my thumbs while I try – and fail – to find something to say.

Thankfully, Aiden is a little less awkward than me.

“So,” she says in between bites. “That stuff you were gonna say about N. I’m thinking ‘embarrassing’ was the wrong word to use there, huh?”

“Maybe.”

“Maybe ‘incriminating’ would’ve been a better word for it.”

“…yeah.”

“Does Gardenia know?”

“All of the League members do.”

“Oh, so you were only hiding it from me. Yeah, that’s nice.”

“Look, you’re not the only person I haven’t told that I’ve met here–”

“That doesn’t matter!” Aiden pushes off Patricia’s back and slowly starts making her way towards me. “I don’t know what you really think of me, but, like, I didn’t decide to become Ranger just because I like to travel. I’m not stupid. You had to know I was gonna figure it out sooner or later.” She plops down in front of me. “So…what gives? Why the secrecy? Why lie to me?”

“I…” I can’t look at her in the eye. “It’s not just something you…tell people, y’know? And we just met, like, today! You think it’s a good idea to link yourself with a group that tried to topple a damn government right when you meet someone? ‘Hey, I’m Mattie, oh, and I used to be a member of Team Fucking Plasma, nice to meet you!’ Like, how did you expect me to think that was gonna go?”

“Well, were you ever planning on telling me?”

“We just met! I’m not gonna tell you everything about myself day one, am I?”

“Okay, fine. I get that. But – and this is just a hypothetical here – if we were to travel together after this, were you ever going to tell me?”

“I mean, it’s not like I didn’t think about it, but you gotta understand–”

“Answer the question, Mattie.”

“I think you’re being a little bit unreasonable–”

“Mattie, look at me.”

My head snaps up at the force behind her words. Her face is only about a foot away from mine. She’s leaning forward, her dark blue eyes boring into me. It’s hard to read her expression. I don’t know if I’m feeling her breath hit my face, but my cheeks are suddenly very hot.

“Let’s try this again,” she continues. Her speech is slow. Deliberate. “Were you ever going to tell me that you were a member of Team Plasma?”

“…no,” I mutter. “I wasn’t.”

“Okay.” The look of disappointment on her face is crushing. “Why not?”

“I…” My eyes fall from her face again. I can’t bear to look at her. “I didn’t…we just met, and…” I feel myself curling up into a ball. “I didn’t want you to think I’m a bad person.”

“Why would I think you were a bad person?”

I let out a snort. “I mean, come the fuck on! Plasma? Evil gang? Tried to take over Unova?”

“…yeah, okay. That makes sense. Considering, y’know…everything.”

“That’s not a joke, Aiden. I’ve only met, like, five people other than the Gym Leaders since I got here, and I didn’t wanna ruin things because you thought I was evil.”

“I didn’t think it was.”

I glance up at Aiden again, and she seems…looser, somehow. More open. She’s leaning back a little bit, giving me some space. Her arms, crossed just a moment before, are resting on the ground. There’s still a scowl on her face, but the anger I saw before has lessened somewhat.

“You think I don’t get it when people are worried that their friends will consider them evil?” she asks. “Remember, Unova wasn’t the only region with an evil gang. We had Aqua and Magma, what, seven years ago? Some of my older friends joined up.” She takes a breath. “I’m mad because you were sorta lying to me, not because you were a part of Plasma.”

“I…I don’t understand.”

“I mean, I think it’s pretty obvious.” She leans forward again, but her eyes aren’t daggers anymore. “Like, if you were actually a bad person, like the ones the news always covered, I would’ve expected you to try that ‘liberation’ BS with me and my pokémon, and wouldn’t be caught dead consorting with a Gym Leader.”

“You’re more right than you know,” I say. “Some of the members in my branch accosted people who were going into Brycen’s Gym, and a few nutjobs legit swore off all his movies because he was a Gym Leader.”

“Geez, overreaction much?”

“You’re one to talk.”

I immediately regret my words. That little jab clearly hurt, as Aiden’s face turns to the ground. “I sorry,” I exclaim, I didn’t mean to–”

“No, you’re right,” she says, letting out a deep sigh. “I’m the one that should be sorry. I was overreacting, and you’re right for calling me on it. It’s just, y’know…”

“You don’t like people hiding things from you.”

“Mhm,” she nods. “I’ve gotten burned before. Don’t want it to happen again.”

That piques my curiosity a little. “Care to elaborate?”

“Not really, if you don’t mind.”

“That’s fair.” It’s quiet again. The silence is no longer uncomfortable, but I still feel a little awkward about the whole situation. I should probably clear the air a little.

“Back to the Plasma stuff, though,” I start, “that ‘liberation’ stuff wasn’t why lot of people were in Plasma. Some people were just in it to feel bigger than everyone else. They were bullies, thugs, just the worst kind of people. The common Grunt that actually believed in the ‘liberation’ BS was a rare breed.”

“What about you?” Aiden asks. “Did you ever believe it?”

“Not…really, I guess?” I say. “I mean, I was a kid member of a pokémon rights group that was taken over by Plasma, I didn’t even join when the ‘liberation’ thing was even a thing.”

“And yet…”

“…and yet the Plasma people were charismatic. They were driven. And…they were convincing. It wasn’t hard to buy into their narrative, at least a little. And…I dunno, maybe I was convinced for a bit.” Aiden’s face grows more serious again. “Not anymore, though,” I stammer. “That only lasted, like, a month!”

“I dunno, I feel like some of that must’ve stuck a little bit,” Aiden says.

“More than you know…”

I see Aiden grimace a little bit at my words. “Shoot, I’m sorry. Didn’t mean to bring up unhappy memories.”

“No, you’re fine. It’s been a little hard to avoid it the last couple of days anyway.”

“Guessing the people occupying the Ironworks were old Plasma people?”

“Nailed it. Hell, I knew them.”

“Heh. No wonder Gardenia pegged you to take care of it.”

“Yeah, guess so.”

I wait a beat. “You still angry about me keeping stuff from you?” I ask. “Don’t wanna pry, but, y’know, you were pretty pissed about that.”

“I mean, you had an okay reason,” she replies, “but that sorta thing is kind of important to me.” She places her hand under her chin. “I’m not, like, mad, per se, but if we’re gonna be friends – which, by the way, I’m hoping we are – there’s a little bit of a trust thing, y’know?”

“That’s…fair,” I say. “Yeah, I can work with that.”

“Then let’s.” She extends her hand. There’s a smile on her face again. It’s not as wide as before, but it’s still genuine. “Can we do that? Can we have a trust…thing…Arceus, that was awkward phrasing.”

“Yeah, it was,” I giggle. I grasp her hand with mine. “I can work with it. Let’s be friends, shall we?”

“Couldn’t have said it better myself,” she giggles.

I retract my hand, happy that the tension has mostly been lifted. In the back of my mind, though…I can’t help but feel that Aiden’s not totally reciprocating. I don’t want to mention it to her, though. We’ve only just met, after all.

Thankfully, I feel Yossele’s mud-clay fingers tapping my arm, getting me out of my head.

“What’s up, Yosie?” I ask him.

{There’s a pokémon that’s been following us for a while,} Yossele signs. {He’s right over by that tree, watching us.} He points over to the trees by where Patricia has been laying this whole time. I focus on that space, and yeah, I see a pair of big yellow eyes looking back at us.

“Hey, you guys see something?” Aiden asks.

“Yeah, there’s a pokémon watching us,” I respond. And now that I’m looking at those eyes more closely, they seem familiar. “Is that…is that a luxio?”

“I think so, but why would one be here? The shinx family usually doesn’t come this far north.”

{Jonnie noticed him when he was flying after we left the Ironworks building,} Yossele says. {He’s been following us for hours.}

“That long?” The luxio starts to leave his hiding place and step into the clearing. He keeps his head close to the ground and his shoulders up, like he’s trying to stalk me, but his eyes are more curious than aggressive. It’s actually kinda cute.

I’m starting to think he’s trying to tell me something.

“Hey buddy,” I say, slowly inching towards him. “You look like you recognize me. Are you the little guy from the Ironworks? Then where’s the rest of your family?”

{He says that he does recognize you,} Yossele signs, {but not just from the Ironworks.}

“What’re you talking about, Yosie? The only time I’ve ever seen a live luxio was in the Ironworks.”

{I recognize his energy signature.}

“How? You never got a good look at the shinx family in–”

And that’s when it hits me.

How could he have known that this luxio was male if he’d never seen him, unless…

“Holy shit.” I drop into a squat as the luxio draws closer. “You’re…you’re the shinx I met before, aren’t you?”

As soon as I say that, the luxio drops all pretense of slinking around and trots over to where I’m standing. I gingerly reach out my hand, and he immediately starts rubbing his fluffy mane onto it. His purring sounds like a revving motorcycle.

“Arceus, that’s the cutest thing I’ve ever seen,” Aiden squeals.

“You know he’s claiming you as his territory, right?” Aiden and I jump at the voice of Gardenia, arms dirty and full of branches. “They usually do that exclusively with family in the wild, but if there’s a human they like, that’s how they express it.” She smiles. “I’m glad to see that you two cleared the air in my absence.”

“Me too,” I say under my breath.

“Couldn’t agree more,” Aiden exclaims. “Hey Mattie, are you gonna catch him? I think he’s saying he wants to join you.”

“Hm…I dunno…” I mockingly rest my chin on my hand. “I’ll have to think about it…”

“Oh, come on, he loves you!” Aiden seems back to being the cheerful person I’d met earlier today. Let’s keep it that way.

“I know, I know, I’m joking!” I reassure her. I turn back to the luxio. “Well, whaddaya say? Do you want to join me?”

Suddenly, he bolts away from my hand. He hisses at me, showing his teeth, and starts hopping up and down on all fours.

“Okay, now I’m really confused,” I mutter. “When my purrloin hisses at home, that means he’s mad.” I turn to Yossele. “Yosie, can you translate for me? I’m getting seriously mixed signals here.”

{He does want to join you,} he says, {but not before he proves himself to you.}

“What do you mean?”

{He says that the first time you met, he was weak. He wants to show you how strong he’s gotten since then.}

I’m…not sure how to feel about this. On the one hand, the luxio is definitely in much better shape than the first time I saw him, so it stands to reason he’d be much better equipped for battle. Plus, he’s a luxio now, not a shinx. On the other, though, I don’t want to hurt him unnecessarily. It would be needlessly cruel and inhumane to do something like that.

And Yossele sees right into me.

{Don’t worry, Mattie,} he signs. {I don’t need to hurt him, and he doesn’t need to hurt me. He just needs to prove to you that he can hold his own now.} He cracks his knuckles and taps his sigil, lighting the runes on his left arm. {I think this is meant to be a demonstration of his skills.}

“A demonstration, huh?” I look to Aiden and Gardenia. Aiden looks excited, and is practically bouncing up and down with glee. Gardenia, on the other hand, is waiting to see how I react. She’s definitely interested, that’s for sure, but that shade of disgust has crept onto her face again. I make a mental note to seriously talk to her about that.

Later, though. I have a luxio to engage with.

“Yossele, Iron Defense and stance up! Let’s show this kitty cat that we mean business too!”

Yossele practically jumps into his boxing stance, his form glowing with the protective blue flame of Iron Defense. The luxio responds in kind, assuming his stalking position from before while blue sparks begin to arc through his mane.

“Alright, let’s start simple, Yosie. Hit him with a Pound!”

Yossele begins to lumber towards the luxio, slowly gaining speed through the thrusters in his arms. The luxio, however, is much faster, and bolts towards Yosie at lightning speed. His body becomes surrounded by a harsh field of blue electricity as he rams into Yossele with an impressive-looking Spark.

However, Yosie isn’t any worse for wear. The arm that he maneuvered to intercept the hit isn’t even the least bit scorched. Being a ground-type against an electric-type has its perks. I let out a chuckle, and I hear Yossele do the same. We’ve got the luxio right where we want him.

Because Yossele doesn’t even know Pound.

“Psyche! Shadow Punch, let’s go!”

Yossele whirls around on his stubby legs and decks the luxio with a fiery backhanded fist, knocking him to the ground about five feet away. However, much to my surprise (and secret pleasure), he’s quick to right himself, practically jumping back to his feet. I could swear that were he human, he’d be smirking at me.

I like this guy.

“Alright, no more tricks!” I command. “Mud Slap, throw him off!”

However, as Yossele is about to blast a chunk of dirt in his face, the luxio’s eyes suddenly light up. A pair of green, pulsating beams leave his irises and slam into the golett before he can react. He gets pushed back a few feet by the attack, and as he attempts to try Mud Slap again, he loses his footing and faceplants onto the ground.

“Well that’s new,” I stammer. “Yosie, get up!”

He’s able to do so, but not before the luxio is able to lunge in and start chomping on Yossele’s arm. He lets out a cry that sounds like grinding gears as he attempts to shake the luxio off of him.

“Stomping Tantrum, slam him into the ground!”

Hearing my words, Yossele begins to frantically wave his arm up and down, slamming the luxio into the ground repeatedly like a ragdoll. After three slams, the cat’s jaws finally slacken, and he lands about a foot away from Yossele with his feet under him. His fur is dirty from the blows, but he still looks okay.

Maybe good enough for the new move? I’ll risk it.

“Alright, let’s end this quickly. Yosie, get under him and use Mega Punch!”

Immediately, Yossele blasts his turbines behind him like twin shotguns, landing right in the luxio’s face. Almost as fast as one can blink, he plants a jet-propelled fist right under his opponent’s snout, unleashing enough force to send both pokémon airborne. Yossele is able to land in his feet.

The luxio, however, does not.

Thankfully, even though his body slams into the dirt with a not-insignificant amount of force, the luxio is able to prop himself up again. However, once he has his feet under him, he doesn’t resume his battle stance. Instead, he sits on his haunches and stares at the both of us, his tail wagging behind him. Yossele drops his Iron Defense aura, and staggers over to me. I can tell that the beam attack has left him a little dazed.

{I think…he’s good,} he shakily signs. {I’m done. He’s satisfied.}

“I can tell, buddy,” I laugh. “He did a number on you!” I walk over to the luxio. “That was pretty impressive! You’ve convinced me.” I smile at him. “Now do you want to join me?”

The luxio nods in response.

“Alright, then, buddy,” I say as I reach for one of my newly-purchased pokéballs. “Put ‘er there!” The luxio happily taps the button with his paw, and is instantaneously converted into red energy and retracted. It doesn’t take long before the ball stops vibrating.

“Welcome to the team, Raiju,” I say, releasing him once again. “We’re gonna have a lot of fun together, I can already tell.” The luxio lets out a quick yelp in response, and starts rubbing his mane against my leg.

“Gotta admit, Mattie, that was impressive,” Aiden exclaims. She quickly walks over to the newly-christened Raiju and starts scratching him behind his ears. “For such a little cutie, your new friend packs a hell of a punch.”

“Indeed he does,” I chuckle.

“Hey girls,” Gardenia, “sorry to spoil the fun, but I’ve been carrying this tinder for a while now, and I’d like to get a fire started. Been running on an empty stomach for a little too long. Anyone wanna help?”

Not wanting to go much longer with a proper meal ourselves, we both jump at the chance. Yossele also helps with transferring the tinder to the woodpile, and not long after, a little campfire is burning in the middle of our little clearing.

And the fire’s reflection does a little dance in my new friend’s big, yellow eyes.

Last Edit: Apr 9, 2019 23:48:08 GMT by Dtmahanen

“Most of the titles for my pieces arrive because on computer, you have to call them something. So I have.” -Ringo Starr

bay

Posts: 206

Ionization (Slight M) Apr 7, 2019 23:02:51 GMT

Post by bay on Apr 7, 2019 23:02:51 GMT

I admit, I got slightly confused at first over whose perspective I'm reading, only to realize it's Yossele's. Vito is kinda amusing there.

While it's understandable Mattie and Aiden just met and why she didn't tell her about Team Plasma, I felt the "we've just met!" was slightly repetitive, and they were going circles for a bit until Aiden wants the straightforward answer. At least they made up now.

And oh, that Shinx/Luxio from earlier! Looking forward to seeing more of him.

One thing I notice is on a few occasions you italicized Mattie's thoughts in the narrative. Since you're writing in first person, I felt that's a bit strange since the readers are basically reading all of Mattie's thoughts here, but maybe that's just me.

Last Edit: Apr 7, 2019 23:03:15 GMT by bay

girl-like-substance

the seal will bite you if you give him half a chance

Posts: 527
Pronouns: xe/xem

Ionization (Slight M) Apr 9, 2019 22:08:48 GMT

Post by girl-like-substance on Apr 9, 2019 22:08:48 GMT

We're back to Yossele for the opening here, which is cool! I always like it when a fic puts in the effort to establish the pokémon as their own characters, whether they're represented as like, semi-human intelligences or as curious animals, and Yossele's interludes serve that purpose here, especially with the way they give other pokémon a chance to have their say, so to speak. They all have pretty distinct personalities here – which is great; we hadn't seen enough of Aiden's pokémon yet to be able to tell what they were like, and Patricia and Vito (side note: how many honchkrow do you think are called Vito? There's gotta be hundreds) do get rounded out a bit more here. And as always, I like how they come at human things from an odd angle – especially how like, knowing more about mysterious human stuff like reading and signing almost seems to confer a kind of status? Vito is clearly proud to know what words are, and if I'm reading the exchange right, Yossele's ability to sign is taken as quietly impressive.

I like the reworked conversation between Aiden and Mattie, too – you know me, I'm a sucker for an awkward conversation, and this is a really awkward conversation. Both of them are kinda in the wrong and kinda justified at the same time, and their burgeoning recognition of that comes through really clearly. I agree with Bay that they talk in circles a bit – but I also think that maybe that's what they'd do in this situation, you know? Like before they can back down from their respective positions and engage in a more reasonable conversation, they have to like, take a few runs at it. Not totally sure one way or the other, but like, it's definitely richer and subtler than what you had before.

For me, it overshadows the battle a bit, but that's really just because of my own interests; the battle is a neat one, and it highlights like, the right relation to pokémon and all, which is useful for resolving any lingering tensions towards the end of the chapter. I like how you invert the usual proving-yourself thing here so that it's Raiju who's got something to prove and not Mattie, too. That's definitely cool, and not something I've seen too much of in fic, really.

We've also got a few more clues as to Yossele's life before partnering with Mattie, with this talk of scanning for energy signatures at Dragonspiral Tower, huh. The story's been conspicuously quiet about where he came from and why Mattie has him, with a few rather ominous hints, so I guess there's not much more to say here other than that I'll be keeping an eye on that thread to see where it goes.

I'll round off with some other stuff I noted down as I read through:

“I can read,” I tell him

Since you've moved parts of this conversation around a bit, and Vito's last appearance was a couple of sentences ago, 'him' here doesn't have an immediately obvious referent. Replacing 'him' with 'Vito', or just having Yossele say this to the group at large, would fix that.

chomping on a berry she'd collected while we were walking.

That should be 'she collected', given the story's predominant tense.

The luxio starts to leave its hiding place

Elsewhere, Raiju's referred to as 'he', even before this point, so I think that's a typo.

but his eyes aren't aggressive, but more curious

This is a bit awkward – maybe something like 'but his eyes are more curious than aggressive' or 'but his eyes aren't aggressive. More like curious' would read better?

about 5 feet away.

The numeral looks a bit out of place here – normally numbers (at least small ones) get spelled out in prose fiction, so it might look better if you had 'five' instead. That's a really minor stylistic thing, though, so you know, do ignore me if you like!

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