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Post by bay on Sept 25, 2019 1:16:35 GMT
Interesting Tak and James flashback on how they met. Tak's Octillery seems a bit moody there heh, and the Houndoom sounds a bit scary. And yikes, people using their blood as Pokemon potion? Ouch. I think I agree with Vray that some of the paragraphing, mostly on Part 2, could use a bit more polishing. Some of those one sentence paragraphs could be added to a previous/next paragraph and such. Also like him I liked some of the spotlight on Tak this chapter.
Not surprising James and his group got in trouble again. Him keep saying "Southern Jerk" was repetitive, though Bourbabel seems to be more amused by him than anything. The conversation on people and Pokemon having natures is cute.
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Post by Cavespider_17 on Sept 25, 2019 20:48:24 GMT
Edit notes: Currently working on Chapter 8 rewrite/edits
Part 1
Date: 22nd June 1989
James dragged himself out of bed. Tak wanted him to try the Captain’s new rules, and he was willing to make a misery of it. Kitiku, who had been sleeping on the bed next to his, had been awake for over an hour. He had combed his hair tidily and his white shirt was immaculate, as were his grey trousers, which had been pressed to look smart. James threw on his white shirt, which was covered in dust and mud from the day before, his trousers were almost as bad. The black had faded in places. He pulled on his shoes lifelessly before combing his hair quickly and carefree. The time must have been 6 AM since Tak had already gone to work. Oosho was squelching around the house as always. He stared at them as they left the room. The boys made their way to the stairs, James pushed Kitiku behind him as he raced down them as quickly as he could. He and Okta were ready to cause mischief. Kitiku sat down and slid down the steps slowly but surely. Nashe watched as the boys sat down at the table for breakfast. “Are you two excited? You get to have a brand new adventure today.” She smiled as she placed a bowl of mashed wheat and berries on the table in front of each of them. James went to stab it with his fork. “No, James.” He looked up at her. “We say thanks for the food we have, don’t we?” “Yes, Mrs Bryson. Thank you Cresselia for the bountiful food we have received. Without your grace we would be in a world which is cursed by the idol of Giratina. Giratina is without mercy. You give us the light. We follow your light with hope. Your mercy to us is welcomed. We thank you for our meal.” Nashe smiled, as James finished saying thanks. “Please strike down the South without mercy,” he added under his breath before diving into the food. “Now, boys, be good when you get there. Say please, and thank you. Be kind and respectful as this is a new start.” She opened the door as James and Kitiku finished their meal. “Thank you, mother,” Kitiku whispered, as he hugged her tightly. “Please don’t go anywhere.” She kissed him on the head. “Good boy, be brave and live up to your name. James, be good.” “James,” Kitiku whispered, as the boys started to travel towards the town hall along the cobbled streets, “You will try what my father approves of, right?” “Sure. I will submit to the South and become a puppet,” he snapped back, before realising his reaction was too much. “I just don’t understand why we need to be brainwashed. Lord Madison said that w-” “Lord Madison abandoned us!” Kitiku interrupted. “Can’t you get that inside your head? If he truly cared about Fehahra, he would have come back.” “Lies,” James quickly answered. “Facts,” Kitiku replied. “Besides, if it wasn’t for Lioa and you dreaming of this happy fantasy of what could be, I wouldn’t be like this. It hurt so much. The doctor wanted to cut my leg off. It is partly your fault!” “Kitiku… I,” James started. “It is always about you. What you feel, what you want. What about what I want? What about how I feel? Or how the new Captain feels, or my father or my mother? They are people too, James!” “I am sorry. I didn’t honestly know Lioa was going to push you. I didn’t know the doctor wanted to cut your leg off.” James looked at his saddened friend. “Hey, I promise, from now on no one hurts you. Okta and I will keep you safe.” “I will hold you to that promise,” Kitiku whispered once more, as they reached the town hall and started to queue to gain entry. The town hall was packed, and the queue waiting outside twisted and turned. In total, James estimated, around 350 people had turned up. The hall could easily accommodate them, it was more a case of getting inside in an orderly manner. Luckily, Kitiku and he had arrived early enough to be some of the first people inside, which meant they could have second row seats, allowing them to see the stage clearly. It wasn’t long after everyone had been filed inside before Captain Bourbabel appeared on the stage. “Wow, there are so many of you. I am pleased to see so many people here. For those of you who don’t know, my name is Clarence Bourbabel, and I am the Southern Captain who now runs this town.” Some of the older members of the crowd scowled. “Education is important. It helps us grow as people.” He snapped his boots together, creating an echo which silenced the mumbles in the crowd. James watched him carefully. “Now, here is my proposal. From Saturday morning you will all turn up at the new building at 8am on the dot. You may be early, you may not be late. I understand education is something Lord Madison selfishly deprived you of. That was unfair of him. Today, Lord Piscar sent up some supplies for this venture. This is the first town in which any such thing has been put into practice. He is hopeful, but not expectant.” “Hey, hey, Kitiku…” Lioa whispered, as he slipped into the seat next to James. Kitiku looked at him, curiously. “Watch this…” Lioa then picked up a Poké ball and hurled it at the stage. It opened in front of the Captain making him step back. Kitiku’s Klink was happily looking at the Captain, before realising it was on stage in front of a large amount of people. Kitiku’s face was that of horror. He wanted his Klink back. “Lioa!” James hissed. “Go get Rusto back.” “Why should I?” Lioa thumped James. “Hello, Klink. How did you get up here I wonder? Either way. I am sure you will be of no harm.” The Captain reached into his pocket and got out a plump Sitrus berry, which Rusto dived into straight away. “Where was I? Oh. Everyone will be allowed to choose a bag, some Starly feather, Staravia feather, Qwilfish spike or Samurott horn quills, with three pots of Octillery ink. In regards to uniform, due to the experimental nature here, a simple green and blue sash will be provided. More good news is at lunch you shall receive a free, hot meal, which Lord Piscar is supportive of. He believes Northern children are deprived of food to grow.” Rusto was following Clarence as he paced. Causing a few laughs from the crowd. Kitiku felt more embarrassed by the minute. “Still hungry? Here…” He turned and handed the small creature an Oran berry, which it scoffed without a second thought, before continuing his speech. “You will also be given injections against certain diseases, which will help your body prepare to fight them, if they ever come in to contact with you. Your eye sight will be tested, as will your hearts. Your health is very important, particularly as you are already… behind.” The man then started to list the diseases which were prevalent in the North, and their symptoms. He then further went into detail about the after effects of each disease, which made some of the audience cringe. “I believe that is all of them. I have kept you sitting still for far too long… it has already been two hours. Come up and collect your bags. There are three types of bag: cross shoulder, single shoulder or backpack. There are around one hundred and twenty five of each,” Clarence said, as he pointed to each selection which had been collectively placed neatly by some of the soldiers. “Come on down. I am here if you have any questions. Elsewise, once you have your bag you may collect a quill set and go outside and play. Be back here by midday and not a moment later.” James and Lioa barged through the crowd to try and get first pick, not because they wanted to attend school, but because they wanted to show everyone how tough they were, also free stuff was considered a blessing. Lioa found that being short did have its advantages, as he squeezed through the legs of some of the people taller than him. James, on the other hand got stuck behind some of the elder students, who had charged forwards also. Lioa picked up one of the single shoulder bags for himself, and then one of the backpacks for Andrew, which he then threw to his little brother before he jumped off the stage. The two siblings then headed for the door. Lioa claimed the Qwilfish spike quills, whereas Andrew decided Starly feathers looked nicer. James eventually made it through to the front. Most of the single shoulder bags had gone as had the backpacks. The cross shoulder bags seemed the least popular by far. He climbed onto the stage and dashed towards the four remaining single shoulder bags. He snatched one of the last few brown ones up. Kitiku had just gotten there. He was choosing carefully between brown and black, however, as he finally decided on choosing the final brown bag, three of the elder students grabbed him and pushed him to the floor. “Listen, runt. We first-born, the preferred, get first pick,” they laughed. “Hand it over or else.” The boy immediately relinquished the bag he was holding and picked up the other two single shoulder bags. “Take a cross-shoulder one. Looks like that is the only choice you have now, wimp.” They left him on the floor as they walked away. “Kitiku, are you okay?” James wandered over to his friend who had suffered a nose bleed from the incident. “You have to start standing up for yourself. You can’t let the South or those elders push you around. Here, take mine.” James handed over his own bag, before picking up one of the sandy-coloured cross shoulder bags. “Hey, I am unique. I don’t need them to tell me what to use.” He smiled a false smile. In truth he was annoyed, but he made a promise which he didn’t want to let slide. “Thank you, James,” Kitiku said, quietly. “You two coming?” Sutton shouted, after coming back into the room. “If you dawdle any longer you will not have any break time left.” He pushed his blonde hair back, ‘James, you didn’t act selfishly? What are you up to?’ he thought. James pulled Kitiku up and walked with him towards Sutton. “No more mischief.” He patted James on the head as he walked past. James started to scowl as he took the Staravia feather quills from Sutton. Kitiku reached up and took the same. “Smile, your life will improve soon. Also, Kitiku, I believe this… thing… belongs to you.” The scruffy soldier handed over the Klink in its ball. “Be more careful in future. Now go and play.” Kitiku hugged it tightly upon receiving it. The two boys left the hall and were guided to the green to ‘play’ and use up energy. Clarence ensured there would be space for all of them to run around for a good two hours before going back to talking about how things would work. Lots of the younger children were running around playing ‘death by rock’. The older boys were trying, in most cases unsuccessfully, to talk to the older girls. Some of the other students were playing a game in which they had to get the Voltorb into the double ring they had marked on the wall. If the one blocker caught the Voltorb the thrower became a blocker. Clarence was playing this particular game with them. He felt that, by interacting with them, he could help make things seem less stressful and more fun.
James walked besides Kitiku, who was struggling to crutch along. He had shoved the quills into his bag, which rested across his left shoulder and against his right side. Lioa and Andrew joined them. They wandered to the far edge of the green and tried to leave the area which Clarence had assigned for the students to play in. “Sorry boys, turn around please. You cannot leave,” one of the soldiers said. “Why?” James asked. “Captain Bourbabel stated that you are allowed to play anywhere on the green, but you aren’t allowed to leave it without an escort. He wishes for you all to be present for your first day. No one can leave without permission,” he answered. “That’s unfair. You can’t treat us that way. We aren’t prisoners,” James shouted as loudly as he could to get attention. “I won’t let you hurt my friends. Let us go, Southern jerks.” “After you insulted me, not a chance.” The man stood firmer. “Fine. I’ll just leave on my own. I don’t need your permission!” James shouted as he stepped forward and was knocked over by a psychic field. It was clearly Hishrak’s doing. “Ow.” James rubbed his head where it had thumped into the ground, hard. “James, what did we say about being careful?” Clarence jogged over to him before sitting him up. “You aren’t allowed to leave. Rules are rules. You have plenty of space to run around and play. Now, let me have a look at that cut.” “No, I don’t need your help. I can handle myself fine.” James pushed him away, and got up. “Let us go, you jerk.” “James, that’s enough. No more warrior talk. Please take James inside, as I want to look at the cut he just received,” Clarence said quietly, in order to prevent attracting too much attention from the other students. James was assisted against his will to the town hall. The walk took a minute and a half but for him it felt like a thousand years. “Fine, I am now in your stupid hall. I thought you wanted me to run around and play?” James said, irritated. “That is enough,” Clarence quickly said, “Let me have a look at your head.” “Stupid South. You ruined everything. Leave me alone I don’t wa-” “James, I said enough,” Clarence’s voice turned stern. “Yes, sir,” James replied, sincerely. He had developed a little bit of a headache. “My head hurts inside.” “I am not surprised. You did hit your head pretty hard. Do you feel sick or dizzy?” James shook his head to Clarence’s question. “That’s good. It may be a concussion at worst. However, I think you just gave yourself a bad bash, I think we would know already if it was a concussion. Perhaps I should just Hishrak to wrap I protective field around you?” He smiled. “My head hurts, can I go home please?” “I think not. Education is very important. I don’t want you to miss out on important things. You are already lacking in knowledge due to Lord Madison’s preferences.” Clarence was careful with how he worded his concerned. “I hate this…” “It’s different to what you are used to.” He pushed James’s hair out of his face. “You will be fine.” Clarence then checked his watch. “11:45, fifteen minutes of break left.” “…It… it is gone already?” James looked saddened. “That’s not fair. How did it go so fast? I hate this stupid education thing. It’s… stupid. I want to go home. My head hurts too much. I feel…” James tried to think back to the symptoms mentioned earlier “…sick.” “Enough.” Clarence raised a hand. “I think letting you sit in here would be the best thing.” “Yes, Southern jerk,” James whispered, giving a false salute, as Clarence got up to assist the soldiers in rounding up everyone still outside. He then placed his head carefully against the back of the seat, slumped and closed his eyes. He didn’t manage to get much peace and quiet before he heard the sounds of the other students returning from break. Lioa sat next to him, Andrew next to him and Kitiku on the end. Clarence quickly got back on the stage, and took a deep breath. “I trust you all feel a little more comfortable with the idea of school now. The time is 12:03. All things considered, I think today is already going well.” He smiled at them. The crowd seemed less agitated than when they had arrived at 8:30. “On to the rules. I know rules are boring, but they are important to keeping everyone safe, healthy and productive. After I have explained the rules, the doctors will start performing health checks. No need to be afraid or nervous. It is all routine.” “Lioa, I can’t let them do that to me,” James started to panic. “They might find out who I am.” “James, we won’t let them. You come up with a plan, we will help you carry it out.” “Lioa. I know things are a little strange, but please calm down and listen,” Clarence said, calmly. “No. I hate the South and I hate you. Can’t you lot see? He is trying to brainwash us into thinking Lord Piscar is a good person and that he will care about us, but he is lying. Lord Madison is who we really should be ruled by!” Lioa shouted out. “Lioa, please calm down.” “No. I hate you. Ruskuo, use poison jab!” Lioa threw his Gurdurr at the stage and Ruskuo came out of its ball. The ball rolled in the direction of Clarence. As the Gurdurr charged towards him to deliver a poison jab attack, Clarence picked up the ball. Ruskuo swung at Clarence, but was simply side stepped. Angrily, Ruskuo then turned to face Clarence, who was now behind him, and charged at him again with a second poison jab attack. Once again, Clarence simply side stepped him before returning him to his ball. “Hey, that’s unfair!” “Lioa, I asked you to calm down. You can get your Gurdurr back later.” Clarence placed the Gurdurr into Sutton’s hands before turning his attention back to listing the rules. “Where was I…? The rules: Firstly, be punctual.” He looked as the students more or less pulled a confused face. “Punctual means to be on time.” They nodded after the clarification. “Secondly, be respectful of others and don’t interrupt lessons. You are here to learn and develop.” Lioa huffed at the idea of being forced to listen to a lecture. “Thirdly, do not fight with any of the others here. There is a war on already, and fighting amongst ourselves is a way to tear our souls apart. Fourthly, all assignments will be completed. Fifthly…” He paused, “please dress tidily and appropriately. Sixth, and lastly, keep your Pokémon inside their balls unless specified otherwise. Breaking rules will lead to punishments. Remember to have fun though too.” He smiled at them. “In a month you will be free to choose extended subjects, but for now let’s stick to the basics: Colrat, mathematics, and Pokémon care.” Clarence jumped off the stage elegantly as he wandered over to Lioa and placed a hand on his head. “I doubt any of you, or very few of you can read or write. I even noticed at a certain banned festival, which I proudly attended, most Northern participants just put a badly drawn ‘X’ on the agreement. We will teach you to read and write properly. Now, if I am correct, the Lords and doctors are ready, you can make your way to the medical bay in the offices to be given your medical exams. Nothing to worry about at all.” He raised his hand and started to assist in the movement of the group. “Kitiku, Lioa… Andrew I can’t…” Clarence turned to see James looking whiter than a sheet of clean paper. “Can’t what?” he asked. “I don’t feel too well. My head still hurts.” James put on a pathetic voice. “Can I go home?” “No. This is important James. It will stop you getting really ill.” The boy frantically shook his head in response. He gripped the seat and refused to move. “Lioa… Don’t throw it at someone again, and definitely don’t attack them. Okay?” Clarence took the ball from Sutton and placed the Gurdurr back into Lioa’s hand. “Why?” The short boy turned around, irritated. “Attacking people is dangerous. You don’t want to be arrested for murder or accidental murder, right?” “No,” Lioa said, quietly. “Good. Go on, I think you three need to shuffle down to get your injections.” Lioa and Andrew followed Clarence’s suggestion. James squeezed the seat tighter so his hands had started to become numb. “James, it’s going to be fine, I promise. I know it’s different and needles aren’t fun, but it will make you feel safer later.” “No. I don’t feel well and I want to go home,” James snapped. “Why can’t you let me go home?” “Free food afterwards?” Clarence smiled. “Can I have the food now, please you jerk?” “Be polite.” “I am so hungry, so is Okta,” James whispered, as he had looked around to see that the hall had become empty. “Fine. If I go though I want food when I get there,” James snarled, in an attempt to be intimidating, he also attempted to bulk himself up. Clarence smiled at James’s defiance. “You are definitely going to be a hard one to convince, aren’t you?” “I don’t like you or the South,” James replied. “I know. Let’s walk together, maybe the air will help your head, I know when I have a headache or feel incredibly stressed a walk helps.” “We don’t have to go straight to the medical bay, right?” “We can take a longer route, if you would like. Is that what you would like?” Clarence asked, and was quickly met by a nod. He then straightened his red tie, and pulled his yellow over-coat vest over his head. “Let’s go then.” James slid off the seat, walked out of the isle and in front of Clarence. The two walked outside the door together. Clarence was keeping a close eye on James, as he didn’t trust him to stay in one place too long. The boy had a tendency to want to bolt, considering he had short legs compared to the tall man, he certainly could run fast. James kept an eye on Clarence, as he felt safe, despite the man being his supposed ‘enemy’. He knew the Captain wouldn’t let anyone harm him. “James are you okay?” Clarence asked. “We haven’t walked very far.” “I said I didn’t feel well,” James said - he didn’t want to have a single injection, let alone how many he would be receiving. Clarence then crouched down next to him and looked at his eyes. “You don’t seem to have any symptoms of anything more going on. I think it would be a good idea to let them check that bash when we get there.” James grunted to his suggestion. “It will be fine. You are just worried when there is absolutely no need to be.” They started to walk again, as they did James looked up to the sky. The Starly were flying overhead in big flocks, free, something he wished he could be at that moment. “Can I ask you something?” James asked, while looking up. “Of course.” “You can’t get mad, okay?” “I don’t tend to get angry, everyone makes mistakes, as it is part of who we are. Mistakes help us grow as people. I assume that wasn’t your question though.” Clarence looked towards the boy. “What is out there? I mean, we can’t be the only things in the world right?” “We are,” Clarence interrupted. “Actually, I lie, we are not.” “Really‽ I knew it!” James said, excitedly. “I knew we weren’t the last people in this world!” “There is a monster out there. It has eaten every other living creature that it has come across. Anything or anyone out there is just waiting to be eaten now.” Clarence’s face showed true terror. “All those people it has killed already, those trying to leave the island, the ones that got too far for the Guards to stop. It killed them all.” “What does it look like?” “I never saw it up close. I just remember when I was ten, maybe eleven, my two best friends and I were having fun on the beach. We saw someone on the back of a Braviary fly out to sea. We watched on as the Guard tried to shoot him down. He flew up to avoid the attacks, and the next thing we saw was him falling off his Pokémon towards the water. He must have been thirty, forty maybe fifty metres out to sea. This thing, it shot up from the water and swallowed him whole.” Clarence’s face remained straight and fearful, as he reminisced the events. “What about off-islanders who crash here, they must come from somewhere, right?” Clarence didn’t respond. He seemed cold, and upset by what he had already said. “I understand. You don’t want to remember what happened anymore.” James hung his head, disappointed. “It is okay, I just feel like I could have done something.” Clarence placed a hand on the boy’s head. “Anyway, enough with the treason talk. You may be curious, which isn’t a bad thing, but it doesn’t excuse you from the law. I will overlook it this once.” He smiled. “Okay…” James answered. “Why is it treason?” “If it wasn’t people would try to leave, and then those monsters would kill them. It keeps us safe,” Clarence explained. “Surely if there were enough soldiers…” “There is more than one. Thirty Guards tried to kill the one I saw and none came back. A few days after… corpses… started to appear on the beach.” Clarence looked on, before turning to James and moving his hand onto his shoulder, “Maybe you should become a scholar and discover all the Pokémon in the world. Or maybe you should study to become an expert in mythology. Education will open up all these possibilities to you now.” The man smiled at James. “It is your life. Make something of yourself.” James looked up to see the offices in sight. “Do I really have to have an injection? I don’t want one. Stupid Southern rules.” He then spat, “I should just get Okta to destroy the building and then I…” “Would be arrested for murder,” Clarence finished. “Go on inside. I have to help with the overseeing of the building process. I will be out later if you want to talk.” “Who would want to talk to the South? The South is full of stupid ideas.” “Yet, we have been talking for nearly forty minutes without issue,” James grunted, annoyed. It was true, they had been talking for a long time. “Well, I’m not going to talk to you or the South anymore.” The boy then crossed his arms. Clarence smiled at James’s go-to defiance as he walked away. James waited until Clarence had disappeared from sight before taking advantage of the man’s mistake. Leaving James outside to go in on his own was never going to happen.
James ran left from the offices in the direction of the park where he had heard the clunking noise the day before. He didn’t get very far before seeing Incaresta Sutton trying to carry his groceries (very badly). He was juggling the berries, loosely, on top of the wheat, sugar and glass milk canister, it was obviously going to end in a disaster. His tower of groceries toppled and he dropped everything, but his milk. He swore in Elkrat under his breath. “Hey, Mister Sutton,” James called out, “Let me help you with that.” He rushed over and started to pick up the items that the soldier had dropped. “Thank you Jamés… what do you want?” Sutton eyed him, suspiciously. “I just wanted to help… please don’t be mad. Captain Bourbabel is right about a lot of stuff…” He tried desperately not to reveal his so called feelings were a lie. He sighed, “Maybe… when I’m older… I want to be like that. Smart and able to help people…” James picked up the wheat and placed it in his bag, before collecting all the berries and putting them in his bag too. Despite his actions appearing to be kind, James needed a berry or two, he thought by feeding the clunky creature it would be friendly towards him… whatever it was. “I am glad you have someone to look up to, and it is someone you want to look up to.” Sutton smiled his goofy smile, which almost set James off on a rant. “I must say, I am very surprised at you. A pretty flower blooms a bright and new colour.” “Sure. It would be good to follow in someone’s footsteps.” James walked alongside Incaresta. “Where are we going anyway?” “Oh, not very far. Two streets down. How were the injections?” “They were okay. Still didn’t like them, and I don’t want anymore,” James lied. “I suppose he was right though. Everything was fine.” “I am happy for you. Captain Bourbabel is an inspiration. Lord Piscar clearly values his input, and strange methods. Although, personally I do disagree with a few of his policies, as long as it does the people good that is what matters,” Sutton said with so much glee, James could swear the man let out sparkles. “Just down here.” James happily followed the Soldier, who had taken him in the direction of the park. They wandered past two or three of the old houses before stopping. Sutton opened the door for them both. “There you go Mister Sutton.” James placed the wheat on the table before empting his bag of all but three of Sutton’s berries. “Can I help with anything else?” he asked, but prayed the answer would be no. “No, that will be fine. Thank you,” Sutton replied, James turned to leave but couldn’t quite get out the door fast enough. “Come here, trouble.” The boy gulped at the thought of being caught stealing. He turned around and walked towards Incaresta, who was still smiling. James sighed out of relief just judging by the man’s expression. “You still look hungry,” the man reached into his pocket and pulled out a bag, “there aren’t many left but you can have them all. Now be good for the rest of the day.” “Yes, Mister Sutton. Thank you…” James tucked the bag of sticky, spikey berry juice chewy treats into his bag, before darting to the door. Sutton was aware James had stolen from him, he just couldn’t bring himself to scold the boy, who seemed to have a change of heart. Scolding him would merely make him turn his back once more. Incaresta released his Electabuzz from its capsule, along with his Fearow, Volcarona, Sableye and Hitmonlee, before wandering over to the fish tank in the corner of his house and releasing his Carvanha. James scooted along the path towards the park as quickly as he could. He struggled to keep himself upright as he took a sharp turn and scraped his knee. He continued to sprint as fast as he could towards ‘Zanha’ he had named it. He only had two turnings to do: the one at the end of the street, and then the second right. He passed the houses that looked like they were going to crumble. His laces came undone and he ploughed into the ground, quickly doing them up he set off once more with a cut on his chin and right hand. He ran along the cobbles and reached the end of the first street. He shot left at the end of the street and collided with a Lord. James fell backwards. “Watch where you are going,” the Lord shouted. “Why don’t you? Southern jerk,” James snapped, before realising who he had insulted. “Original. Would you like to spend the rest of your life in jail?” The Lord removed his hat to reveal his black hair, which matched his blue eyes. “Or… you can get up and apologise. It is really up to you. My Absol is itching for a fight.” He rubbed the back of his head. For some reason, this Lord reminded James of Sutton a lot. Goofy. “Fine. I’ll fight you… but not here. Too many people. I am not a murderer unlike you!” James shouted. The Lord looked confused at the boy. “You really want to go to jail for attacking a Lord? I won’t murder a child, although I am tempted to make an exception for you.” “Only if you win. If I win you leave me alone, as you have failed in your job, right?” The Lord grabbed James by the scruff and dragged him to the park around the corner and threw him on the floor. “Absol, time to serve Lord Piscar.” The Lord hurled the ball onto the green and released his Absol. Its black head curved smoothly and stabbed upwards like a knife. Its snowy white coat shone in the sunlight. “Okta, it is on you!” James pressed the button on his ball to avoid it rolling in the direction of the Lord. As soon as she landed on the grass she used screech. The Lord held his hands over his ears before issuing a command. “Use night slash!” The Absol walked slowly towards Okta, gracefully. “Okta, dig! Don’t let it touch you.” The moment Okta disappeared the Lord drew his knife and stepped towards James. He wasn’t afraid of being killed by the Onix, whose location was unknown to him. The Absol suddenly moved to the side as Okta shot up from the ground. Upon seeing her shoot up, it lunged at her. It hit her with night slash and she let out a cry of pain. The Lord then charged towards James, who was focusing on Okta. “I will break your spirit and hers,” he shouted as he slashed with the knife at James, who fell. James caught the Lord’s hands as the knife hovered above his cheek. “You dare challenge Lord Piscar?” he spat, “Absol, use night slash again.” “Okta, get out of here. Please, go…” The Onix roared loudly before diving underground once more and near enough immediately returned to the surface from underneath the Absol, who was flung back, but undeterred, it used night slash and hit her once more. She panted as she rolled back. ‘You won’t leave me…’ James thought, ‘I won’t give up either. There has to be a way.’ “Okta use dig one last time. If you do it, there is a berry for you.” The knife touched his cheek and cut him lightly. “Submit to Lord Piscar’s will. Apologise to me. Work your guilt off, I am sure I could find some tedious task for you to do.” “It was an accident!” “Night slash again.” The Lord’s Absol waited for Okta to come up. The dark creature wouldn’t fall for the same trick twice. Okta on the other hand was waiting underground for James’s orders. She understood his secret message. Wait under his bag. The knife slipped to the slide a little. The stone James had around his neck started to glow lightly, and his thoughts turned to one thing – destroy. He felt a sharp pain in his wrist but didn’t care, he called out at the top of his voice, “Now Okta!” She shot up from the ground. The Lord jumped up out of shock and shuffled out of the way. James stood on top of Okta’s head. “Use rock throw!” She let out a war cry, before swinging her tail at the rocks created by her return to the surface. The Absol didn’t appear ready and took a direct hit. It puffed, tiredly. It was standing much closer than James could remember. The thought then hit him. The war cry wasn’t a war cry. She was in pain. The Absol had hit her once more. She puffed and panted, bleeding. The Absol’s headpiece had been broken by the attack and it fell over. “That is enough!” Clarence shouted. “What is going on?” The Lord shot a glare at Clarence. “Bow down to me, soldier. I am more important than you ever will be, I am a Lord,” the Lord scoffed. “I believe you just lost to a fourteen year old boy, my Lord.” Clarence said, trying to keep a straight face. “What?” He checked his Metagross technology, and sure enough his Absol had fainted. “It’s not over. I have five more. That boy must be taught a lesson!” “Oh James…” Incaresta said, who was watching. “Touch him once more and I will teach you a lesson,” Clarence puffed himself up, “He is a boy!” “That isn’t an excuse.” the Lord spat. “It isn’t. However, what did you hope to achieve? Break his spirit? He is the most adamant boy I have met, your attempts would fail. Learn the people before you accuse them and fight. That helps ensure the occupation is successful.” The Lord spat on the floor once more. “Lord Piscar trusts me to ensure that it is.” He withdrew his Absol and walked away without another word. “James, you can come down now!” “Sure… Once I figure out how!” “Ask Okta to put you down? Okta, down.” The Onix used screech at Clarence, before gently lowering James down. She was puffing and bleeding still. “We need to get her wounds seen to immediately.” James returned her to her ball. His bag had been roughed up and scuffed by the battle. James picked it up and put it over his shoulder. His face was straight, but he felt empty. “My office, okay?” “…yes, sir…” James looked at Sutton, who struggled to look at him. “…I…” The shock started to slowly sink in. What had just happened? It was real, that wasn’t like the festival. That was a real battle with real stakes. “I… I didn’t…” James started, but every word made his throat tighten. He didn’t speak another word. The walk that took them to the office seemed long and cold. Once there Clarence sat James down on the seat opposite his desk, as he took Okta and gave her to Sutton. Sutton was under strict instructions to take her to the healing bay without delay. James was leaning forward in the chair, nervously tugging on his jacket every few seconds. Clarence had found a couple of small medical strips and coated them in cold water and some sort of wound cleaning material. He stood next to James for a moment. “Where have you been cut?” he asked as gently as he could, James looked at him for a moment before going back to tugging his jacket. “James, I need to clean the cuts. Where did you get cut?” James then pointed to his chin, cheek, hand and knee. “I should get you wrapped up Musharna dream clouds. That way if you feel you would land on something soft.” He smiled, to try make James less on edge. “What’s wrong?” He pressed the strip against James’s cheek so it would stick. “I could have killed her.” James started to become teary. “It is all my fault. She is dying and it’s my fault. I am a bad trainer.” Clarence was slightly surprised to see the boy crying at first. James didn’t seem to come across as someone who would cry. “It’s done. You cannot change what has happened now.” The man stuck the second medical strip to his chin. “It’s my fault,” James’s voice squeaked, and he wiped his eyes with his sleeve. “Now you are going to let them have me, right? Then I will never see her again. I don’t want to be without her.” “James, calm down. She isn’t going anywhere, and neither are you.” Clarence took James’s hand and pressed the strip onto it. “Pick your fights better, perhaps? What happened anyway?” James frantically shook his head. “The truth, please. It will help me understand, and then teach you what to do. I just want you to grow, like everyone here.” “Promise I can have her back soon,” James sobbed. “I promise you can have her back, once she is in a better state. That means you are going to have to look after her very well though,” Clarence said, quietly as he finished patching James up. “Can you do that?” “…yes, sir…” the boy whispered. “… I wanted to go see Zanha… So I finished up with school, like you told me to… then I ran into Sergeant Sutton. I helped him with his groceries, and then I went to see Zanha, in the park…” “Who is Zanha?” Clarence asked. “She is a Pokémon in the park. I just wanted her to come out. She was there the other day when Sutton used bug buzz. It was hurting her.” “I see.” “Don’t hurt her, or Okta,” James tried to shout but once again his throat seized up. “Please relax. No one is getting hurt. It is nearly 7 PM though. You need to rest. Okta will be fighting fit again by Sunday.” “I want her back soon though,” James blurted out, upset. “I don’t feel safe without her, please give her back.” “I didn’t say you would have to wait until Sunday. Today is Thursday… maybe tomorrow evening you can have her back.” James shook his head at Clarence. “I can’t make her heal any sooner. The wounds are very deep. A heal pulse would heal the wounds but it would also make her feel unwell…” The boy then curled up as much as he could. “I am a bad trainer. I screwed up this time and now you won’t let me have her back,” he sobbed into his jacket. “James, it’s okay. Admitting to making a mistake is the first step to fixing it,” Clarence spoke softly, as he stood the boy up next to him. “It is?” “Yes. The second step is accepting you can’t change what has happened.” James nodded as Clarence pushed the hair out of his face. “Would you like to sit next to her until 8 PM? I can let you do that. Afterwards though you have to go home. It is recommended that children go to bed between 8 PM and 9 PM, so they can get enough sleep ready for a new day under the snow… or in this case, sun.” “Can I stay with her all night? I’ll go to sleep when you want, I just don’t want to leave her. Please, sir?” James was sincere. He felt scared without his protector. The reason he survived Rei’s tyranny so long. Clarence sighed. “Adamant as ever. Okay, but Sutton or I must stay with you to make sure you don’t wander off and break rules. Deal?” Clarence extended his forearm. “I promise,” James replied. ‘Maybe you aren’t such a jerk all the time. Maybe you are only a jerk some of the time.’ James thought, before his mind turned to Okta. ‘I am sorry Okta, it is all my fault. I will make it up to you, we will become stronger than anyone else in this world. That is a promise.’
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Post by Deleted on Sept 28, 2019 14:14:44 GMT
Hello; don't mind me, just doing my book club duties! Terribly sorry for leaving publishing this so close to the deadline; it has been a busier few weeks than I anticipated. I'm going to be generally reviewing the fic as a whole, from prologue through chapter nine (which, by the way, I almost missed! You may want to update the chapter list so that it's clear that it's there).
And this is quite an interesting fic, isn't it? I think I'll definitely need to give it some more reading outside of my book club duties, because there's a lot to take in, honestly. A lot of that had to do with Coltar as a region, and it's evident how much thought has been put into crafting the region and whatnot. There is a big, underlying theme that everything ties quite nicely into, which is that Coltar is a deeply archaic place rooted in tradition to a fault. I found a lot of the imagery helped with this (greatest example: things being made out of bone in the earlier chapters), as well as a lot of the passing comments made in the fic -- particularly, those which pertain to the Cresselia worshipper/Darkrai worshipper divide, as well as the North/South divide. The most notable example I noted of the impasse between the modern setting of the fic (late 1980s) with how utterly draconian Coltar is was the notion of locking someone up and throwing away the pin number; that came across as striking, in that despite rapid technological change, the ruling class hangs on to a medieval, almost Darwinian approach to life in Coltar, which seems to be dominated by regional and sectarian disputes to the detriment of pretty much everyone else. Because these traditions held so dear to the culture of the region are tearing it apart, which leads to another interesting choice made here: making the protagonists teenagers. Young teenagers, at that; James is fourteen, Kitiku is thirteen... they're basically kids, and so they're bound to be rebellious, which is why I find how disdainful they are to the Elite Guard as convincing as it is. James is generally distrustful of most people, actually, and I think this is clear especially in earlier chapters with regards to Sutton -- who, as oyster pointed out, James seems to loathe but is actually just a pretty decent, standard guy. Or Clarence, who he is quite vocal with his disdain for when Clarence is pretty respectful of him (though, if I'm being totally frank, I don't 100% trust Clarence and while I'm unsure it'd happen, I think there would be stranger things than him betraying the rest of the group). Having James and Kitiku as protagonist and deuteragonist respectively makes for a fun contrast, too: while it's true they are both basically kids, and it's also true that they're generally not pleased about the outside world, James definitely directs that anger outwards, in comparison to the far more introverted Kitiku, who seems to aim that anger inwards and is as timid as a mouse.
Conversely, however, while I do think Kitiku is an interesting character and, on the whole, a positive addition to the story, unfortunately I also find he's emblematic of my biggest issue with the fic. And that's that it has a tendency to not really leave a whole lot up to the reader's imagination, y'know? It's very explicit about a lot of things that could be reasonably interpreted from the dialogue, and there's a tendency to reinforce what could (and in some cases, should) be inferred early on. This is both a stylistic issue and one that kind of exists in the text, albeit to a lesser extent? But I found that the approach to dialogue wasn't as varied as it could be, and so it led to conversation becoming stilted at times to refer to how someone is saying a thing when, going off the thing that they're saying, it's pretty obvious that they're saying it in a certain way -- and I find that it tends to disrupt the flow of a conversation. Going off chapter nine, the most recent chapter, here are some examples (of which there are more) of what I mean:
"I said enough" is inherently a stern thing to say; it's a telling-off, so there's no need to clarify that Clarence is being stern as he says this. Clarence is pleading someone to calm down and listen -- so there is no need to state that he is calm as he says this. James is a fourteen year old who is moaning that his head hurts and that he wants to go home -- there's no need to clarify that he sounds pathetic as he says this, because this could reasonably be interpreted from the text. As for the textual element of this that I touched on, plenty has been said about the exposition in the earlier chapters; to your credit, this is definitely less of an issue in later ones. Even so, I still think there's a lot of reinforcing what is already obvious, and it comes off as a bit detrimental to how effective some words are. For example:
This could be a much more emphatic line than it is for James, who is undergoing an important piece of character development in the closing paragraph of chapter nine -- its positioning in the chapter means it's among the last things to read, and is intended to stick to the reader a bit more. But him referring to Clarence as a jerk as often as he does makes the word "jerk" lose its edge. It just becomes a part of his vocabulary as opposed to a hard-hitting insult, and so when James says that, actually, maybe you're not always a jerk -- where the focus should be how James is coming to accept Clarence and this is shown through how he speaks to Clarence, some of the focus is also on how James really likes the word "jerk," and it kind of loses some of its impact, I think. This line would fit in very well in a comedy for example, but Coltar is tonally one of the darker and decidedly less comedic things I've read, so it just... doesn't work as well as it should, unfortunately. I'm hesitant to labour this point more than I already have, especially because of the edits you're making to chapter eight -- so I'm hesitant to refer to previous chapters to make this point -- but an important thing to remember is this: it's important to leave things unsaid sometimes! There's satisfaction in figuring out things in a text that aren't immediately obvious, and the reader will most likely be able to infer what things mean.
Overall, though, this was a fic that I had positive feelings for. I can't wait to see what's in store for James and co. as they explore this decidedly crappy world and continue to give the finger to the folks in charge. It's clear how far you've come as a writer since you started this fic, and I'm sure you'll only continue to improve.
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Post by Cavespider_17 on Sept 29, 2019 14:16:59 GMT
Part 1
The office wall paint was peeling away as the stale air ran past them. The windows glued tightly shut with no way in or out other than the door itself. The clock ticked still on the wall but the time never changed. The abandoned building was perfect. A tall man tugged down on his cap, leaned in on the desk, scowling. “They don’t suspect a thing, do they?” “Of course not,” another man replied, grunting a little. “I am not incompetent. So far your plans seem to have been.” “Oh, shut up,” the taller man said, clenching his fists tightly. “The festival incident had nothing to do with my incompetence, if only that stupid Seargent hadn’t have blown his cover he would have been the perfect scape Gogoat.” “Watch what you say Grektox, remember who you are speaking to. Lord Piscar… he makes me sick inside. However, the Master Guard turning up in town will be more than appropriate.” Grektox looked at the man dressed in a Guard’s uniform. “My Lord, surely you cannot be thinking…” he stammered. “You think something as simple as that man’s arrest would bring Piscar here? To this sham little town?” he scoffed a little turning towards the door. “You are delusional.” The Guard smiled a deepened grin as Grektox reached the door, yanking it open and stepping outside. “You will be back soon enough. Come on now… Captain… make your move.” Incaresta passed James a soup in a flask, as they sat in the waiting room. Admittedly it was his own dinner, but he felt as if James needed it more. He had been through a lot already and he hadn’t even been told the full extent of Okta’s injuries. The room was white walled with blue spots, as you followed the spots to the celling the spots turned to red triangles. The floor was wooden and woven into a criss-cross pattern. It felt so clean. Incaresta watched as James showed disinterest in looking after himself and tapped his foot impatiently, out of deep concern. “There are 4098 blue spots in the room…” James said, saddened. Incaresta simply pulled James’s head against his shoulder. Clarence watched as it became clear that James truly didn’t dislike Incaresta at all, once the nationalistic hate had been washed away. “It’s still my fault…” James muttered. “We all make mistakes, James,” Incaresta said. “She could have died…” the boy whispered. “She will be fine.” Clarence said, stroking his chin. “You need to work on your dodges though, you let her take those hits. It is something that comes with experience. The more you are with a Pokémon they more used to each other you become. Why do you think in the festival I didn’t use Hishrak again until the final?” “…because you wanted to save his strength?” James whispered back. “I wanted to create a short bond with all the other Pokémon I had claimed along the way. By doing so I drastically increased my chances of winning. For example, Bruskia, the Tyranitar, I used her several times before the final. She and I found a connecting point. That is why we were so quick and able to crush lots of attempts to beat her. Only to be defeated by Okta, which makes sense. You have a close bond with her. Like I do with Hishrak, and Barook.” “So… Okta and I need to be quicker?” “Okta isn’t a quick Pokémon. So no. You need to use her strengths in your favour. She is bold. So her attack isn’t as strong as it could be, as she values protecting herself and others more, but you can’t let her take every single hit. There is a point where you have to use a different tactic,” Clarence said. “How long have you known her?” “She hatched two days after I was born apparently… she and I grew up together. She used to be so small you could hold her in your hands. When I was eight she started to get really big. I had to put her in a Poké ball.” “Hmm… that is interesting.” Clarence leant forward and started to think. James, who was starting to feel a little better because of the talking, was trying to open Sutton’s flask with great difficulty. Incaresta laughed a little at the boy’s difficulty, before opening the flask for him. “I would hazard a guess at her being from a strong gene pool. Since she was able to withstand a war-trained Absol.” Clarence closed his eyes as he continued, “I do also have to say you did have a lot of luck on your side, things could have easily gone very differently. You said she hatched? That suggests she came from a professional breeder.” James shrugged, as he finished drinking the soup in the flask. “It is hard to get a good standing of her strengths at the moment…” “Okta is the best… She is the strongest Pokémon in the world. I will prove it!” James jumped up out of his seat, his eyes seemed to have lit on fire. “Dreams are good. You aim to do that, I believe you can do it.” Clarence smiled at him. “… you aren’t going to say she is defective and isn’t strong?” The boy was taken back by the support. “She is defective, but you use what she is to achieve your dreams. I think it’s time you tried to get some sleep. Tired trainers make mistakes.” “Not tired,” James started, but was quickly interrupted. “We had a deal, didn’t we?” Clarence pushed James’s hair out of his face again. “I’m worried… I can’t sleep here knowing she isn’t well.” “Then you can stay with me for the night… I suppose. I don’t live far from here. It would be warmer, and you could sleep on a bed. That would help,” Incaresta said, he seemed to be staring into the distance though. “I will sleep on the chair.” “Incaresta, you don’t have to do that.” Clarence placed his hand on the Sergeant’s shoulder. “Thank you. Take tomorrow off, I’d rather you care for him than work.” “If it had happened to my child, I would hope someone would stay with them all night, or at least nearby. I know we wouldn’t leave him alone, but I don’t think staying here would do any good either.” The man stood next to James. “That gives me time to contact Tak and let him know James is staying with you, and to investigate something of great importance.” Clarence left the room quietly. “Mister Sutton?” James shuffled his feet, he was feeling guilty. “Sorry I stole from you earlier. I just wanted to feed Zanha. I feel strange. Why?” “Guilt. You have had a massive dose of it today.” Incaresta watched as James wrapped his arms around him, which surprised him a little. “How do I make it go away?” “You won’t be able to get rid of it for a few days. It is telling you, you have done something wrong, and you need to be sorry for it. Let’s get you to bed, things will feel better in the morning. I am sure Tak won’t mind if you stay with me. Especially since you aren’t his child and are an orphan,” Sutton said, before realising that reminding James of his situation was not a good idea. “Sorry, I get carried away sometimes.” Clarence had sent a Chatot to relay a message to Tak Bryson regarding James’s whereabouts. As he stood in the park where the battle had taken place he pondered where Zanha could be, and more importantly, what. He walked carefully around the holes that had been created by Okta. He would have to close the park until he could have the holes filled. He got out a berry from his pocket as he walked carefully. “Zanha, come out. I have a treat for you,” he called out softly. He stopped to redo his ponytail, before releasing Hishrak from his ball. “You think you can help me find the Pokémon James went to search for?” Hishrak rolled his eyes. “I worry about him too. He is energetic, determined, intelligent – in his own right, but also inexperienced, clumsy, and…” he paused. “He is a difficult child. One day he will grow, but I have a feeling, like most of the younger people in the North, it’s going to be an uphill battle. One thing concerns me. How did James, an untrained, inexperienced trainer defeat a battle hardened Lord? Okay, I will admit, my friend, James is somewhat naturally talented and Okta’s genes appear to be from a decent pool, and truth be told the Lord still had five more Pokémon… James just shouldn’t have been able to win. It’s just not feasible, and yet it happened...” The man wiped his brow with his left hand, before looking at the Alakazam, who appeared to be deep in thought. “Well… let me know if you think of something.” His attention then turned back to finding James’s hiding Pokémon. “Zanha, where are you?” James sat down at the dining table in Incaresta’s accommodation, the table was small and solid wood. The chair he sat on had no comforts either, but it didn’t seem to bother the boy. He turned to see Incaresta cooking on the hob, although he wasn’t sure what it was, it smelt okay. He looked around the room further and saw the Carvanha floating in its tank. Its deathly red was almost hypnotic, and its orange fins created a star. James turned back to see if the soldier was watching, once he had established he wasn’t paying attention, James slid off the chair silently and wandered over to the tank where the strange Pokémon was swimming in circles. He placed his hand against the glass. Incaresta turned around and watched as James then pressed his nose against the glass and started to pull faces at the incumbent. He couldn’t help but smile, James’s mind wasn’t on Okta and he seemed to be goofing around and having a little fun. “You know… if you keep doing that she will scare you, and then your face will be stuck like that,” he joked, making James turn around and face him. “Still hungry?” “A little. You haven’t eaten yet though,” James whispered, as he lowered his head. “I have enough for us both, come on, you need food.” Incaresta placed a bowl on the table, James didn’t take a moment to run back to the seat. “I will say thanks for the food. After you have eaten I suggest you go to bed.” “Won’t Captain Bourbabel be angry you let me stay up?” Incaresta shook his head to the boy’s question. “Enough now.” Incaresta sat down next to James before taking a deep breath and saying thanks in Elkrat. James remained silent the entire time. “Are you tired yet?” Incaresta asked after he had finished saying thanks. “Yes, Mister Sutton.” “One day you will call me by my correct title…” the man sighed, as he tilted the soup towards him. “You like my Carvanha?” “Can I have her?” James joked, before feeling saddened as he remembered why he was there in the first place. “Maybe one day you should go fishing in Mesk. She was my five hundredth catch. I had to keep her.” Sutton smiled as he looked at James. “Don’t worry, it will be fine.” James started to drink the remaining liquid in his soup. Once he had finished he wiped his mouth on his sleeve before sighing. Incaresta realised James was still hungry despite effectively eating two bowls of soup. “Here…” he said, as he shunted his bowl over. Without a second thought James tilted the bowl and drank every last drop of it. “Can I go to bed now, please?” His head was lowered and his voice was quiet. Incaresta Sutton picked up the bowls and put them in the sink before touching the boy on the head, and taking him to the room where he normally slept. “Mister Sutton?” “Hmm?” “Maybe you are only a small part jerk… a part annoying and stupid… so the rest of you is nice…” James muttered. “Get changed, and sort yourself out. I’ll be back to check on you in ten minutes.” Incaresta left the room, and James decided to do as he was told. He pulled his jacket off and folded it up, and hung it over the end of the bed, before unbuttoning his shirt, as he did he knocked himself and felt a pain where he had slipped over earlier. Or that was what he hoped. He took of his shoes and socks before tucking his socks into his shoes and sliding them under the bed. He then pulled back the blanket and lay down on the mattress. He shuffled himself around until his head rested in the middle of the pillow. James tugged the blanket up until it covered most of him. “Warm enough?” Sutton said, opening the door. James looked at him, without responding to his question. He noticed the boy’s blanket wasn’t straight, so he wandered over and straightened it up. “What’s wrong?” James shrugged as he rolled over. “If you need me, I’ll be down stairs, asleep on the chair.” The boy closed his eyes and tried to shut out the world.
Date: 23rd June 1989 The Fearow chirped away as the sun glared onto Sutton’s residence at 7 AM. Despite the Pokémon’s best attempts to be as noisy as possible, James remained in a deep sleep. Incaresta had been awake for a few hours out of habit. He fed the Fearow mashed up Wurmple, before plugging his Electabuzz into the wall socket, and turning the generator to produce electricity for it to feed on. Incaresta then turned his attention to his Sableye, who had been teasing his Carvanha for the last hour. He took out some glass gems from his pocket and placed them in its long twisty fingers. Glass gems didn’t taste the nicest, he assumed, but at least they were cheap. His Carvanha started to huff as it was yet to be fed. Incaresta then removed a dead Qwilfish from his food cooler and dangled it above the tank. The Carvanha started to snap its jaw, ready for the drop. Almost immediately as the Qwilfish hit the water, Carvanha had started to munch it down to its core. Incaresta jumped back as his Carvanha almost caught his fingers. “Better luck next time, girl,” he laughed afterwards. Despite her snappy appearance, she was actually very gentle. She would never bite down hard on Incaresta, although, if it was a stranger it would be a different story. Volcarona was rocking on its back on the table, waiting for food too. Incaresta brought over some of the berries he had bought the day before, and allowed the bug to choose which one it wanted as its meal. Upon choosing, it wrapped around the berry and softly sucked the insides out, leaving just the berry’s skin, which he then took over to his last Pokémon. Hitmonlee had waited patiently for his berry skin breakfast. He then headed upstairs to check on James, however, before he could get upstairs he heard Clarence knocking on the door. “How is he? I can’t help but worry, as he was not himself last night. Also Zanha doesn’t exist. I spent four hours looking for her,” Clarence said, softly. He was exhausted. Incaresta shrugged as he went upstairs with the Captain, and opened the bedroom door. James was curled up as small as he could be, with the blanket wrapped tightly around his body. His head rested lightly on the pillow, as he breathed in and out softly. “Deep sleep still?” “Seems to be. He got himself really worked up and upset, also his irregular sleeping has left him exhausted no doubt,” Sutton whispered. “Shall I wake him?” “No, he needs to sleep. He can’t get himself worked up if he is asleep, his feeling of guilt has flown away amongst the stuff of nightmares, and he is in the world of dreams.” Clarence looked Incaresta in the eyes. “Thank you for looking after him. As I said before, he does look up to you in a strange way. He wouldn’t have stayed otherwise.” “The injections must also be having an effect on him. They can make you tired the next day, as your body is working hard,” Incaresta added. James rolled over in his sleep, making the two men think for a moment they had disturbed him. Both sighed as it was clear he was still dreaming. “Good boy, why can’t you be this quiet usually?” Sutton sighed once more. “Not his personality. He is a soldier of the old regime in his mind, but he is a child. Lord Madison has done some terrible things lately on the front line. Lord Jackson got hit badly by an exploding Qwilfish spike. He survived the hit and continued to fight, but he lost a lot of blood.” “Is that man immortal?” “He certainly seems to think he is. He wasn’t the only wounded one though. Lots of soldiers died.” “That’s bad for us, but I don’t see what you mean?” Sutton looked confused. “These exploding Pokémon aren’t just hitting us. They are hitting his soldiers too. The casualties on both sides are horrendous.” “I see…”Incaresta answered, but James stirred at the sound of Incaresta’s voice this time. “Hush, James, go back to sleep…” Although, it was too late, James rubbed his eyes and sat up. “Not tired anymore?” the man asked, but was met with a shrug. “I brought you some clean clothes, they are downstairs on the chair. I’ll bring them up for you in a minute.” James started to rub his right eye again, before flopping back down under the blanket. “Leave me alone, it’s too early to get up,” James groaned. Incaresta tried his hardest not to laugh at the boy’s complaint. “Okay, go back to sleep then.” he whispered. “Can’t sleep now,” James grumbled, annoyed. “James, I have someone for you.” Clarence gently placed Okta on the bedside table, which the boy stretched over for, and snatched, before burying himself back under the blanket and grumbling again. “We need to talk about Zanha.” “You found her?” James peered out from the top of the blanket. “No. She isn’t real, is she?” Clarence asked. “James, please don’t lie to me. I don’t appreciate being lied to at the best of times, but lying to get yourself out of trouble when something serious… like what happened, happens is really wrong.” “I didn’t lie. I wanted to go see Zanha. I wanted to meet her and catch her,” James snapped, while cuddling the blanket. Clarence sighed. “Promise that is the truth? I know Northern promises are sacred. If you break one you are bound to be thrown to the Distortion World, as it is a sin. Right?” Clarence asked. “It is a sin to break a promise. I promise that is the truth! I wanted to see her. Why are you all mean? I hate the South. All you ever do is treat us badly. Your stupid rules and laws, I hate them.” James’s voice went up in pitch, as his irritation grew. “James, it’s okay, I believe you,” Clarence said, but was quickly shouted over by James. “It’s all your fault I don’t have a mother anymore, or a father. He was killed by you monsters too. You killed Lioa’s father, and Archapelo has to live with his aunt because you killed his mother and father too,” he ranted. “James, calm down, I believe you.” “Then there is the whole war in the first place, Lord Piscar did it to ruin our lives because he is evil, and selfish and a Suska Qwáka and I hate him too. I hate everyone from the South. Stupid Southern Guard almost killed Okta. The South are nothing but evil verticals,” James struggled to say the last word correctly. “You mean heretics?” Clarence attempted to help James. “Leave me alone. You can’t tell me how to say things in my own language. I hate you.” James buried himself under the blanket once more. Clarence sat down next to the boy, who was holding onto the stone that was hanging around his neck, under the blanket. “I know it is difficult to understand. When I was a boy, about your age, maybe slightly older, the South went through the first of its back to back civil wars. I know how it feels for things to be not how you want them. Incaresta must have been not much older than you, maybe even a baby.” “He cried a lot?” James peered up to see the man’s blue eyes. “He probably would have,” Clarence joked a little. “Just because things seem bad, doesn’t mean you give up, or that things are as bad as they seem.” James sat up again. “May I?” He pointed to the stone around the boy’s neck. James looked confused for a second, then took it off and handed it over. “You know of the story of Igor Rett. Your replica stone, eh?” James nodded, hiding the fact he had stolen it. “The rock stone? No… the ground stone.” He handed it back to James. “The ground stone is rumoured to have been lost around 100 years ago.” “Oh well, it will be found one day,” James said, quietly. “Would you like to tell me the story of the ground stone holder?” Clarence asked. “I haven’t heard it before; clearly you support the ground stone.” “Oh, I can’t remember it anymore. My mother used to tell it to me when I was little.” “You are still little.” Clarence nudged him. “I’m not little. I am fourteen, I can look after myself.” He continued to smile, as Sutton entered the room, and placed his clothes next to him. He then placed a glass of milk on the table. “You can’t eat, but you can drink, and you will. You don’t have to stop liquid intake during the fast until you are seventeen.” As Sutton spoke James had reached over and had already started to drink it. Sutton watched on as the boy seemed to gulp down the full glass without coming up for air. “Thank you, Mister Sutton. Friday can be difficult,” James said, quietly. “I still believe your religious nonsense is blasphemy… but we know the North won’t change,” Incaresta responded, as he placed his hand on the boy’s head. “Get changed, then you can help me with chores to make up for stealing, then you can go and have fun outside.” “No battling though,” Clarence warned James. “She is in no state to battle, I strongly suggest that you…” “I won’t let her get hurt. We won’t battle today,” James interrupted. Clarence nodded before getting up off the bed, and leaving the room with Incaresta. James quickly got changed and scurried down the stairs, ploughing into the wall as he hit the bottom step, before picking himself up and rushing to the door. “Where do you think you are going?” Incaresta grabbed him by the scruff of his neck. “To play outside, like you said I could,” James said, quietly. “After chores. James, you need to learn that you can’t steal from me. Not my groceries, not my keys, and certainly not my money.” Incaresta reeled him in, and dragged the boy, who decided to go limp as a protest, to the kitchen. “Okay, first chore…” “There is more than one? Stupid South,” James grumbled. “Should get Okta to destroy the house…” “They aren’t as bad as you think,” the man said as James sprawled himself out on the floor, face down.
Part 2
Lioa leaned against the wall of the town hall. His black over jacket covered his dirty white shirt, and his trousers were scruffier than ever. He had found a cigarette a Guard had smoked, and tossed away, which he now had sitting behind his ear as an attempt to look somewhat cooler. Andrew was standing next to him, as he pet his Pokémon. Lioa was upset, Kitiku wasn’t speaking to him… or even signing to him, he sighed a deep sigh. To make matters worse yesterday he had come home to an almighty shock. Date: 22nd June 1989
The Lord who had done his injections had tried to reason with him and make the experience less stressful, however, Lioa wasn’t having any of his so called ‘Southern lies’. He had attempted to bite and kick the Lord who was administering the treatment, to which end he had been pinned down. The man had used his right knee down to press the boy’s legs firmly against the ground. With his right hand he had pushed Lioa’s left cheek against the cold floor.
The boy tried to desperately pull the man off with his hands but was not strong enough. However, he did continue to fidget to the point of a second Lord having to pull him upright into a sitting position, before forcing him onto his knees.
“What arm do you throw with?” the Lord had calmly asked. “Rot in the Distortion World, Southern Venipede!” Lioa shouted, and spat. To which end he was slapped, hard. He continued to fight the Lords immediately afterwards, clearly not taking the slap as a warning to stop. “Let me go. I don’t want any of your Southern poison, you scum.”
His insults didn’t bode well amongst the Lords, who then decided to hang him from his jacket on metal peg and allow their Houndoom and Mightyena to snarl and hover underneath him. After five minutes they did return, but Lioa didn’t want to give up fighting. He continued to kick, bite and squirm until one of the Ladies decided to negotiate with him.
“Takui, right?” the Lady asked, as the other two walked away to give them some privacy.
“What do you care, Southern scum?” Lioa snapped.
“That is a yes. Why don’t you want to have your injections?” she asked, as he offered Lioa something sugary to eat. Lioa reached into the bag and shoved a few of the chewy sugar lumps in his mouth at once. “Hungry? You can have soup once you are done.”
“Soup is stupid. Who eats soup? It’s a liquid,” Lioa snapped, with his mouth full.
“Well, what would you like to eat?”
“Qwilfish… on a spiked stick…” Lioa muttered. “You can’t buy me with food. I hate the South. The South killed my father.” The boy then turned around to face away from one of the Lords, who then seized the opportunity to give Lioa his first injection in the side of his neck. The boy tried to jump up, but couldn’t. “Why?” Lioa asked, annoyed.
“You don’t want to be sick do you?” the Lady asked.
“Your poisons will make me sick. Now I will be…” Lioa snapped once more.
“I think you misunderstand. These injections just help your body get ready for the real illness, if it ever enters your body. So it can fight, like you are fighting everyone now.” The Lords watched as Lioa relaxed a little.
“Really? I don’t believe you.”
“I don’t care if you believe me or not. You are getting these injections, and you can either do it without being punished, or with being punished. I will happily do either. However, I think your brother is already done with his. Maybe you are afraid. An older child being afraid of something as small as an injection brings into question their integrity as the preferred child.” The Lord played on Lioa’s mind, Lioa couldn’t stand the thought of being second best to anyone, not even his brother.
“Fine. I hate you still though.”
“I will pretend you didn’t say that.” The Lord finished up injecting Lioa, “Now, go and eat some soup.” Lioa wandered over to collect a bowl. Unlike Northern soup, what was thin and watery, Southern soup was incredibly thick. Lioa looked into the bowl, and sighed at the gloopy mess that was in there, before scouring the tables looking for somewhere to sit. Kitiku sat on the end table with Andrew, and he looked deep in thought. Lioa took his bowl and sat down next to the timid boy.
“Hey Kitiku, I wanted to say I am sorry for pushing you off the roof. I didn’t know that the Machoke was going to make it so you couldn’t ever walk again,” Lioa said, but was met by Kitiku’s back. “I said I’m sorry. What do you want me to do? Undo time? You know what? You are an awful friend, since you can’t take an apology.”
“Yeah, Kitiku,” Andrew chirped in.
“Let’s go, Andrew, Kitiku is a defective and a waste of our time,” Lioa spat, as he did Kitiku felt more alone than before.
“Yeah, Kitiku,” Andrew added. The brothers got up and sat on the next table.
After eating their soup, Lioa and Andrew ran home, which was only a few doors down from where Sutton lived. Lioa barged in front of Andrew to get inside the door, only to see his mother holding hands with a man he had never met before. He was wearing a soldier’s uniform, which instantly angered Lioa. His hair was chocolate brown, and his eyes were a deep green. His mother was infatuated by this monster. Her golden brown eyes looked like they were under hypnosis, as he ran his other hand through her short blonde hair.
“Mother?” Lioa asked.
“Lioa, take a seat please, Andrew, you too sweetie.”
Lioa cautiously sat at the dining room table on the far right seat, Andrew followed him and sat next to him.
“This is Vesit.” She introduced the man, “We have been seeing each other for seven months. We decided now was a good time to introduce you to each other.” The soldier removed his hat and sat down opposite Andrew. The boys’ mother then sat next to him. “Vesit is going to move in.”
Lioa’s face went pale. “What about father?” Lioa said, almost teary.
“It is time to move on, sweetheart,” His mother said, reaching over to touch his face. “No, you traitor! I hate you too. You are just like them. You betrayed father!” Lioa stood up, as he did Vesit’s Hippopotas started to sniff him. “Keep away from me, you… you… you piece of Tauros…”
“Andrew that is enough. Apologise to your mother,” Vesit said, sternly.
“No. She is a traitor.” Lioa turned to face the Hippopotas again, “Get away from me!” Lioa kicked it in the nose. “You are an evil heretic, Lord Madison will kill you; the South is full of bad people.”
“Upstairs, to your room, now!” his mother shouted, to which Lioa slammed his bag as hard as he could on the table, and pulled his chair over, before storming upstairs and slamming his door. He slumped on his bed and then pulled the pillow over the back of his head, as he rested his face on the mattress.
“Oh Lioa,” his mother sighed. “Andrew, are you going to be rude too?” “No, mother.” Andrew sat upright.
“Wait… the short one is Lioa? Usually, the older one is taller,” Vesit remarked. “Well, hello Andrew,” the man extended a hand shake to the boy.
“It is rude to shake hands…” Andrew said, quietly. “Andrew, be polite, Vesit is introducing himself to you,” Laylai Takui scolded. The boy then cautiously took the man’s hand.
“You have a nice firm grip there, are you a professional fighter?” Vesit said, to try and get Andrew to open up.
“No, sir.”
“What do you like to do with your spare time?”
“I like to play with my Pokémon, and hang out with Lioa, and my friends, sir,” Andrew whispered.
“What is your Pokémon? Mine leading Pokémon is currently Muresk, the Hippopotas.”
“Deino, sir…” Andrew was giving closed answers, Vesit could sense the boy’s anxiety.
“Well, I have a present for you and your Deino.” The soldier then pulled out something wrapped in brown paper and string. “There you go.” Andrew looked up his mother, who nodded at him. He ripped open the paper to reveal two neck scarfs. “One for you, and one for your Deino.” Carefully, Vesit did the scarf up for Andrew.
Andrew was pleased it was red. Red was his favourite colour.
“What do you say, Andrew?” Laylai prompted, but as she did Andrew had got up and was hugging Vesit.
“Thank you, sir,” Andrew said, as he pressed his head into the man’s shoulder. “You are very welcome, little soldier. I’m going to see Lioa, maybe he has calmed down a little…” Vesit rubbed the back of Andrew’s head gently, before quietly walking up the stairs. He opened the door to the boys’ bedroom, to see Lioa sulking.
“Go away,” Lioa said, his voice muffled by the pillow. “Mother turned on me, and it’s all your fault.” “Lioa, it’s not like that at all.” The man placed a hand on Lioa’s back, “Your mother and I, we love each other, and I want you and Andrew to accept me into your life. I know it will take time but…”
“Leave me alone. You can’t replace my father. You never will. You are from the South, and you are a soldier, you could have killed him,” Lioa snapped, as he lifted the pillow off of his head. The door opened and Laylai came in. Lioa sat up, and she sat on his left, Vesit remained on his right.
“Lioa, sweetheart, it is time to move on. Your father died at the battle of Quigk. I know you miss him, but it has been a year.” She said, as she hugged him.
“No, I don’t want to. I am not becoming a puppet of the South, father died fighting their evil. I won’t let…” Lioa’s year of holding in the pain suddenly broke out. He started to cry.
“Lioa, it is okay, don’t cry.” Laylai tried to calm him down, but quickly lost her temper as the boy continued to sob, “Lioa, stop crying, you are being a baby. It is always about you, your father and I were in love when you and Andrew were born, but now that love is dead, as is he. It is time to move on. Grow up.” She stormed out. Vesit placed a hand on Lioa’s left shoulder and pulled him closer.
“Lioa, no matter what has happened, I want you to understand I don’t want to replace your father. Okay? I have a present for you.” Vesit took out the second brown paper gift and tried to give it to the boy.
“You can’t buy me with gifts!” Lioa sobbed.
“I know, I’m not trying to buy you with a gift. I just want you to know that you are appreciated. You have been the man of this house for a long time, and that’s an awful lot of pressure to put on a young man. Your mother and I are considering marriage soon…”
“So you can throw us out? I get it. Southern scum,” Lioa snapped, still sobbing.
“No… if we did marry, I would adopt Andrew without question, the problem would be you. I don’t want to be in that situation where I would have to throw you out Lioa, but at the moment you aren’t giving me many options.”
“Just leave. It is all your fault.” The Hippopotas nudged Lioa’s leg. “Leave, you stupid Southern Pokémon.” “Okay, I see you need space still.” Vesit put the gift on the bedside table, before getting up and picking up the small Pokémon, and going back downstairs.
Laylai was hugging Andrew tightly on the sofa, as she turned on the radio. Vesit came and sat down next to Andrew, so he was in between them, before placing his Pokémon down on the floor. “Andrew, you are my good little boy,” Laylai said, as she held him.
“Lioa needs space, he is still very hurt. He cannot forgive me, because he doesn’t understand why his father died, he understands what for, but not why,” Vesit whispered, “Andrew, do you want me to give you a hug too?” The boy shook his head, “I think they both need time to accept me into their lives.” “Lioa will not be having supper tonight that is certain,” Laylai spoke coldly, “If he wants to act like a spoilt runt he can, but he will be treated like one.”
“That is probably playing on his mind too, if we were to have a child of our own, he would no longer be the preferred child…” Vesit took Andrew from her arms, “Andrew, do you want dinner?” The boy nodded, “Okay, is wheat and milk something you would eat?”
“Yes, sir.” Andrew whispered.
“Then I will get you some of that. If Lioa is a good boy, I’ll bring him some too…”
Date: 23rd June 1989 James left Sutton’s house, his chores were to wash the dishes and then clean out the Carvanha tank. He enjoyed the second task more than the first, mainly because afterwards he could pull faces at the snapping fish once more. Sutton even let him pet her (with supervision of course). Due to how well he cleaned the tank the soldier had given him two Colkara. So much for a punishment. James saw Lioa in the distance, and wandered over to him. “Hey Lioa,” James said.
“Let me guess, Sutton has you wrapped around his little finger…” the short boy snapped.
“Huh? Oh, no… last night Okta and I went looking for Zanha…”
“Who is Zanha?” Lioa asked. “Yeah James, who is Zanha?” Andrew chipped in.
“She is a Pokémon in the park, she is all metallic, but I’ve never seen her. I want to get her out of hiding and catch her!” James shouted but as he did Andrew grabbed his mouth.
“James… the Master Guard are around,” he whispered.
“So?”
“Something called a Bronzor was stolen from their training base in Quigk… they are tearing everywhere apart trying to find it. Maybe Zanha is this Bronzor?” Andrew said. “Either way, you won’t get anywhere near the park while they are there. They are stopping everyone and looking at everyone’s papers. Four people have already been thrown into a humiliation cage… Captain Bourbabel tried to stop them from arresting a young girl, whose Pokémon ran into one of them, but got arrested himself. They will let him go later… right?”
“No,” Lioa said, “The Master Guard will probably publically humiliate him too…”
“We need to help him, he saved us, so it’s only fair if we…” Kitiku whispered, as he crutched towards his friends.
“What is with the ‘help the South’ at the moment?” Lioa crossed his arms.
“Okta can’t battle at the moment, she is still really hurt, but… Kitiku is right, we need to help him… he did save us,” James sighed. “Besides… whoever replaces him could be much worse. For now… I say we keep him.” “Fine…” Lioa grumbled, “What is the plan?”
“No offence Kitiku, but you can’t exactly… get anywhere fast.” James started. “Lioa, you and I will do the running. Andrew, you be the thief, and Kitiku… you need to find Zanha in the park. She might be what they are looking for.”
“James, didn’t you hear me? The park isn’t accessible at the moment. There is a Master Guardsman at the only way in, since the rest is cordoned off,” Andrew hissed.
“That’s the point. Andrew, can you steal from Sutton and lead him past the park? The Master Guardsman will surely get involved and that’s your chance Kitiku,” James directed. “Andrew, if you get caught you know he will tie you from the nearest post until he finds a suitable punishment… don’t get caught.”
“Yes, of course.” “Lioa, you are Andrew’s fall back. Pass Sutton’s keys between yourselves. You need to then take the chase around to the humiliation cage; I will be waiting. I shall then steal the keys from one of the Master Guard there. Since you two are already being chased for key theft they will assume one of you did it.”
“Problem!” Lioa said sharply. “That won’t work. One of us would need to deliberately collide with the Master Guardsman watching the cage and steal his key and pass it to you, before getting hauled up and punished…”
“If you get caught, they will probably do something really bad to you,” James said, concerned.
“You want to save that Southern jerk, right? Also everyone else in that cage too can be saved if I do that,” Lioa said.
“Okay, so let’s recap, steal and pass Sutton’s keys between yourselves. Take the chase around to where the humiliation cage is. Lioa shall then steal the keys from one of the Master Guard there by colliding with him. By this time Kitiku would have coaxed Zanha out. Then he will make his way back here slowly. Once he is back here, I will meet him. Lioa you will kick and scream and make it as difficult as possible for them.” Lioa nodded to James’s revised plan. “Then I will unlock the door and save everyone. Using Zanha’s power we then save Lioa and run away!” James looked super smug. “This plan is fool-proof.”
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Dtmahanen
Witnessing (and participating in) shenanigans
Posts: 123
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Post by Dtmahanen on Oct 10, 2019 21:10:43 GMT
Heyya, I'm here for the Book Club/Book of the Week rotation! And right off the bat, I know you've mentioned the world-building quite a bit before, but I'm already starting to see it. The world feels downright lived in, which is a hell of an accomplishment for an entirely original region. There are also a few characters that I'm already taking a bit of a shine to, Kitiku being my favorite just after the first chapter. He's not as openly brash as the others, and seeing how that was basically me when I was younger, I'm already attached. Finally, though we don't hear about it much in this chapter, I get the sense that the relationship between James and Okta is gonna be as adorable as a relationship between a kid and an onix can be.
However, I do have a bit of a critique, and it's something that's pervasive throughout multiple different aspects of the story, such as narration, character dialogue, and description. A lot of stuff here seems ... for lack of a better word, forced. And I don't mean in the sense that I don't believe that this stuff doesn't make sense, or shouldn't be there, but rather that you're presenting things in a way that the reader has no sense of discovery. Much of the world-building - which, as a reminder, makes me very interested in this world - is nevertheless sorta just shoved in there, not left there for the reader to pick up on their own. Adding to this, James' shonen-protagonist-style character and motivation to be stronger than anyone else is very blatant and obvious. Maybe even too much so. I dunno, it was difficult for me to get into him at the moment, mostly for that reason.
Finally, and this is just a minor quibble, but the breaks between "parts" don't always make sense. They don't always seem like good stopping points, to be honest. However, that's just a minor complaint.
Overall, this was an interesting first chapter. It'll be fun to see where the story goes from here! I look forward to reading more in the future.
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Post by bay on Oct 12, 2019 2:34:29 GMT
Ch 9 James's first day of school went off to a good start. A part of me wonders if he'll eventually grow out of his "South sucks" phase and maybe be serious about his future for once. His conversation with Clarence over the monster and how they're not the only people around reminds me of Attack on Titan's premise. Basically your story and the manga/anime had the same premise where folks were enclosed in one area due to monsters, or titans, eating people. However, there's actually a whole other world out there and that changes things completely . I sorta stopped reading the manga after Chapter 90 something to take a break, but yeah I've been getting AoT vibes while reading your story haha. Yikes over James going against one of the guards/Lords and Okta almost dying in the process. Looks like James is finally learning to pick his fights wisely. Ch 10 I was enjoying James and Sutton's interactions there. James got a bit over dramatic when Clarence was questioning him over Zanha, suddenly bringing in his family's deaths when Clarence was just asking if Zanha is real or not. So I'm going to be honest, I lost respect for Lioa when he said Kitku is defective and was rude to his mother like that. I also feel it's strange for his mother to say that her love for Lioa's father was dead like him. Like, I get moving on and such but that's probably not something to say to someone still mourning. Looks like the group will do a heist, huh? I'm totally sure that plan will backfire somehow haha.
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Post by Cavespider_17 on Oct 12, 2019 21:46:07 GMT
Part 1
James shuffled himself into position by the cage. He could see Captain Bourbabel inside. The cage may have been wooden, but without Pokémon there was no way it would break.
Lioa and Andrew had found Incaresta Sutton, he was eating a snack he had bought at the food stand by the park. Kitiku stood behind Lioa, he was ready to crutch into the park.
“Let’s do this Andrew,” Lioa whispered, as the two boys started to run on the spot before shooting around the corner. “Hey Mister Sutton!” Lioa shouted to distract the man, “I was told you have a super rare Pokémon. Can I see it?” Incaresta looked at the boy suspiciously, as Andrew walked past, swiping his keys from his pocket, quickly. “Never mind… bye Mister Sutton.”
“Hey!” Incaresta shouted as he started to chase after the boys, but was met with a hand from the Master Guardsman, who had seen everything. Sutton quickly bowed down without question, as he didn’t want to be arrested for treason. The man then said something in Kilgorese as he sent out an Ampharos which immediately used thunder, twice. The first one missed Andrew completely, however, the second hit Lioa as a side flash. Lioa was stunned, everything was so bright, and slow. He plummeted to the ground, unconscious. The Master Guardsman left his post and ran over to the unconscious boy. Incaresta had risen to go check on Lioa too. Lioa’s hair was a mess, and his shirt, jacket and trousers were completely destroyed in places. The boy suddenly opened his eyes, dazed, face down against the ground.
“Don’t move, thief,” the Master Guardsman said, calmly. “Roll over and face me, boy.”
Lioa slowly rolled over in a daze, his body was in shock. Once on his back he relaxed his muscles. “Do you understand how lucky you are? It is a good thing that thunder misses direct hits more often than not. You were hit by a side strike, meaning a bolt missed you directly, but rebounded off the ground and latched on to you.”
Lioa tried to sit up, but felt a buzzing pain throughout his body.
“Before you are punished, I suppose I should make sure you will live.” Lioa was struggling to breathe. The Master Guardsman pulled him into a squat against the wall, and hung the boy’s head lower than his shoulders.
Andrew skidded along the path into the hot-spot. James was stunned to not see Lioa with him, as Andrew decided to collide with the Master Guard, knocking her and her keys onto the floor. She immediately slapped him, hard. James took the opportunity to run in and snatch the key, however, the plan went from horribly wrong, to a catastrophe. She grabbed him with her other hand, and pulled him to the ground. Before the boy could scramble to his feet, he was met with the eyes of an angry Claydol… more specifically, the one he had stolen previously. Both he and Andrew were hauled and along the street towards the offices. James kicked and squirmed as much as he could, but was quickly hit with small psychic waves from the Claydol, which made his kicking feel like a lot of effort. She opened the door to the offices and dragged the boys down two flights of stairs, and then shoved them in separate, small, cold, dark cells.
Kitiku was crutching over towards the back of the park, he was desperately trying to dart between the trees, but wasn’t very good at it. He slowly but surely had made progress though. The clunking noise started to get louder and louder, he quickly turned back to see if anyone had been watching. Someone had. Incaresta Sutton had been watching him for some time. The boy started to sweat more, in the heat, as he started to worry. Much to his surprise Incaresta didn’t seem too bothered, more curious. That didn’t stop Kitiku from nervously backing away, on his crutches, until he hit a stone which wasn’t there before. He tumbled back and hit the ground. He watched as Incaresta’s jaw dropped, and the man looked confused. A loud clunk came from behind the boy, he turned slowly to see a blue flat disk hovering above the ground.
“Zanha?” he asked.
The Pokémon gave no response.
“Oh, I… I have food…” Kitiku rummaged through his bag and pulled out a berry, which he then offered to the creature. It cautiously started to munch on the berry the boy had offered. The flat Pokémon didn’t waste a moment, and lapped up the sweet berry. “You… are hungry? I have another berry for you.” Kitiku pulled out a second berry.
The creature hovered over, closer this time, before chomping into the berry, seeming to prefer the second one.
“You are funny, Zanha. The Master Guard… they want to take you back to Quigk, but you don’t want to go back, do you?” Zanha clunked in response. “I wouldn’t want to go back either. You are gentle, aren’t you? You are like me… people playing soldier, expecting us to follow suit, but we don’t want to be a part of that. I hate fighting people, do you?” Zanha replied a mono-tone clunk once more, before trying to open Kitiku’s bag to find more berries. “Okay, I have one more,” Before Kitiku could finish speaking Zanha and chomped into the berry he hadn’t quite gotten out of his bag yet. She still seemed to prefer the second one, but had no disagreements about the third.
Incaresta Sutton was flapping about in a panic. The young boy had just vanished in front of his eyes. The Master Guard were generally not paying any attention to him, and assumed he was going crazy from all the stress. A few had even threatened to tie him to a sign post if he didn’t shut up, particularly as he was off duty. He decided to take matters into his own hands. The majority of the Guard, from both Kilgor and the South were pre-occupied still with Lioa’s burns. He snuck around the back of the gate, before climbing over the fence, and darting from tree to tree, to where he had last seen Kitiku.
“Hey Zanha,” Kitiku said. “You are a Bronzor, right?”
His question was met once again by a mono-tone clunk. However, he could swear Zanha was smiling at him.
“So… what is a Bronzor? Are you like a fairy or something? You look like a steel type for sure. Fairy-steel, you float like a fairy can, and you are metal… so maybe. Or, or you could be a psychic type. You are aren’t you?”
Zanha spun around, as an indication that he had guessed correctly.
“You understand Colrat?”
It spun around again, making itself slightly dizzy, before noticing Incaresta Sutton was a few feet away. Zanha instantly repelled him using the trick room field.
The man fell backwards and thumped against the ground, swearing. “Oh, that is Sergeant Sutton… I suppose he is okay…” Kitiku’s voice quietened, as he started to feel shy once more.
The man got up and started to walk forward again.
Zanha let him pass through the field this time.
“So… this is where you went. How ingenious, hiding in plain sight. Unfortunately, Bronzor, you have to be returned the Master Guard, they are looking for you,” Incaresta said, as he did though, he noticed Kitiku shaking his head, and hugging the Bronzor. “Kitiku, the Bronzor doesn’t belong here. It is a powerful Pokémon that is being trained to do powerful things…”
“Zanha wants to stay here…” the boy whispered. “‘Zanha’’s trainer must be worried though. How would you feel if your Klink suddenly went missing, and then some random person claimed it to be theirs?”
“It isn’t mine…” Kitiku started, quietly. “It shouldn’t be theirs either. Zanha should choose who to belong to.”
“Kitiku, it doesn’t work like that, you know that, you are a clever boy…” Incaresta reached over to coax him away from the Pokémon, but Kitiku remained adamant he wasn’t letting go of the Bronzor. “I have to get you to return the Bronzor, and then rescue Captain Bourbabel, James, Andrew and Lioa… please make this easy for me…”
“Zanha should choose,” the boy repeated, quieter than last time. The man had to think of something to make Kitiku open up, before he shut down.
“Hey, Kitiku, how about this.” He reached into his pocket and withdrew an empty blue-side latched Poké ball, “if you can get ‘Zanha’ into this ball, I will accept it is yours.” Incaresta felt rather smug, ‘that thing belongs to someone in the Master Guard, and once Kitiku throws the ball at it the safety will break the capsule as a default mechanism against stealing. Then he will have to give it up.’ The boy reached over and took the ball from his hand.
“Sergeant Sutton?”
“Yes?” he replied smugly.
“How do you catch something?” The boy’s question threw him. Kitiku had two Pokémon, and yet had caught neither on his own, or neither were caught by him at all. “Well, when you throw it, you have to make sure that the latch hits the Pokémon, so it opens up, that way there is no escape for it,” Incaresta explained, as quietly as Kitiku had asked. The boy then shuffled forward, he was nervous. He placed the ball in his right hand, and threw it over arm. The throw was poor, and the ball hit the ground moments after release. It pinged up before rolling in the wrong direction. “Well… it isn’t yours.”
“Can I have another go please, sir?” Kitiku looked disappointed at himself, something which would have really made Sutton feel guilty, if he were to have said no.
“One more throw. That is it.” He said, sternly, reaching over and placing the ball back into Kitiku’s hands. This time the boy decided to throw underarm. It wouldn’t be as fast, so there was a greater chance of the latch not opening, but he felt comfortable that he could hit the target this way. He took a deep breath in, before gently lobbing the ball at the Bronzor. His second throw was too weak and it flopped before it could get anywhere near the target. “That’s it.”
“…I can’t even throw right, I’m just a defective… sorry Zanha,” Kitiku got up, annoyed at himself, and disappointed.
“If you want to learn how to throw, I can teach you… you just have to ask,” Sutton said, trying to make Kitiku feel less awkward. Kitiku seized the moment to do something he had never done before, try and trick Sutton.
“Can you? Zanha is really hard to hit. I don’t think you can do it either.”
“Do I look like I was born an hour ago?” Sutton scolded, “I expected better from you.”
“No, sir. I know, sir… sorry Sergeant Sutton…” Kitiku’s voice became nearly unheard.
“What about this? Tomorrow, you and I, after school is done we can go to the route to Finar, and practice on some Starly. Does that sound okay?” He asked, but the boy didn’t answer at first. It took him a minute to sign the word ‘okay’. “You don’t feel comfortable around people, do you? Well, let’s inform the Master Guard about their missing Bronzor…”
Part 2
Lioa had been given a fresh pair of clothes, and a blanket. Although the weather was incredibly hot the Master Guardsman insisted he stayed wrapped up. His body was sore and bruised, and he was shivering from the shock still. They had decided it would be best to not leave him alone, in case of him starting to vomit, or having a cardiac arrest. Although the chances of the latter were incredibly small this late in the game. Lioa was very unresponsive to everything around him, he felt so numb. Every ten minutes or so a doctor would enter his cell, check his eyes and pulse and then leave. James was shouting threats to the Guards, as he sat in the cell next door to Lioa. Some of his minor threats were making those guarding his cell laugh. They considered him a small explosive package of nonsense. In reality though, James was incredibly stressed, since he had, had Okta confiscated. He felt as if he was alone in the world with no one to fight alongside him. No one to protect him and no one for him to protect. What was agitating him a lot was the fact he could hear Andrew crying two cells down, and these ‘monsters’ were doing nothing to make him stop. They weren’t even trying to comfort him, like Captain Bourbabel did to Kitiku on the train. His thoughts then did switch to Kitiku, who still hadn’t been arrested. He wondered, ‘what has become of you, Kitiku?’ Incaresta Sutton had picked up Zanha with great difficulty. It weighed seventy-two Kilograms, which was eighteen more than Kitiku, who he had no problem carrying. He was often concerned about Kitiku, who was incredibly underweight for his age and height. The fighting had done most of that. The lack of food, weak meals and only two meals a day, plus the Northern fast had all contributed too, the more he thought about it, the more he come to realise that the only one of the boys who was a completely healthy weight was Lioa. Then again, Lioa was bulky, probably due to all the fighting with his friends. “Kitiku?” The boy turned to face his direction, but couldn’t look up at him, as he felt too shy. “How are we going to rescue Captain Bourbabel, and the gang of miscreants? Once we hand Zanha over, I doubt they will just let them go…” Incaresta’s thought process was to try and let Kitiku come up with a plan, to bolster his self-confidence, and maybe get him talking once more. “Do you think you could come up with a brilliant, fool proof plan? We just need to get a message to a Southern Guard, to get a message to Lord Ha….” he paused to correct his pronunciation, “Lord Jackson, or Lord Piscar. Since they are of equal rank or higher to the Master Guard, they can demand everyone be released. It is worth a try, is it not?” Kitiku paused his crutching. He then gave a nod, reached into his bag, and took out a Poké ball. “I don’t think Rusto is going to cut it…” The boy then released the Herdier from the ball. “Medical Herdier?” “Herdier goes to find my doctor, if something bad happens to me…” Kitiku whispered. “My doctor is a Lord, so if we give Herdier a note she should be able to find my doctor, and he should be able to contact someone important…” “I can’t exactly let go of Zanha, or she will float away, so this won’t work, since you can’t write in Colrat, let alone Elkrat.” Incaresta said, irritated. Kitiku gently shook his head, and reached into his bag and took out a small notebook. He had scribbled his medication times in there the day before, so had to flick through several pages to find a blank one, before tearing it out. “My father taught both Pierre and I to write when we were younger. He said it was important to learn such a skill so that we could get good jobs when we were older…” He scribbled down, in Elkrat ‘Send help, Captain Bourbabel is in trouble, and the Master Guard have arrested lots of innocent people’. He missed a few accents and umlauts as he wrote. He then folded the paper up and gave it to the Herdier. “Gently…” he whispered, as the Herdier took the paper. “Find Lord Ikur, good girl.” She ran in the direction of the fence and slipped through. “How did your father know how to write? It seems an odd skill for a Labourer to have, and even stranger for a soldier of the North,” Sutton said, suspiciously. “Grandfather knew, so taught him…” Kitiku lied. He would rather his family’s secret be kept safe. Sutton jolted forward, as Zanha tried to escape his grip.
Lord Ikur sat down in the break room in the offices. He was drinking melted Sitrus berry juice and grass dew, with a little alcohol mixed in. His lit cigarette hung in his right hand. His Luxray was trying to snap off his Pachirisu’s tail which kept brushing its nose. He had had a quiet day, with the Master Guard around his skills as a doctor hadn’t been required. Although, he was still expecting Kitiku to turn up to give blood. Something that he was patiently waiting for. He understood that the boy might have been caught up in the antics of the Master Guard’s stop and search. He pondered upon the fact that such a so called great ruler, Master Gere Filktas, could have employed such an idiot, who had lost a weak, simple Pokémon. The quiet was almost serene. He closed his eyes to relax, but his serene day was about to get interrupted. The Herdier had scrambled through a window on the ground floor and had scampered down the stairs. Using its strong sense of smell it had tracked him down. It ran into the room where he was relaxing. He jumped up out of the green, soft chair upon seeing the Herdier. He reached down and took the note that had been slobbered all over, he quietly read it out loud. “Send help, butcher Bourbabel is in trouble, and the drummer Guard have arrested lots of clown people.” He was puzzled. The writing wasn’t the most legible, which didn’t help, however, the message seemed to be complete and utter nonsense at a first glance. He reached into his pocket, and took out a pencil. He altered the message and added the missing accents and umlauts. He then understood what he had to do. He pulled up his right sleeve and tuned the pad on the Metagross technology. Vesit had turned up at the cell block. He had paid the fine that Andrew and Lioa had received for their actions, and he was unimpressed. He waited in the lobby for them to be dragged upstairs. While he waited, he listened to one of the Master Guard explain what had happened to Lioa. At first Vesit felt enraged that Lioa would put himself into such a situation, but then realised that the boy was probably going to be feeling awful enough as it was, so the scolding could wait. The soldier was given the boys’ Deino, Gurdurr and Staravia. Upon reaching the top of the stairs Andrew ran towards him, and just wanted to be hugged. As Andrew tried to hug him, Vesit stepped back, and refused. His eyes looked red from where he had been crying, Lioa remained cold and unresponsive. He held the blanket tightly around himself, he didn’t want to let go. “You two are in so much trouble when we get home,” he said, sternly. “Sorry, sir. We just…” “You just what, Andrew? Do you have any idea what you have done? You could have been killed. You behaved selfishly and stupidly. You are grounded until further notice,” Vesit snapped. “You aren’t my father, Lioa and I can take care of ourselves. Right Lioa?” Andrew shouted, “Lioa?” The boy was still shaking, “Lioa is in shock still. Something that wouldn’t have been the case if you both hadn’t have been so stupid!” He grabbed Andrew by the scruff of his neck and started to drag him, before turning back and realising Lioa was frozen still. “Lioa? Let’s get you home. That is away from here and where the accident happened. Does that sound like a good idea?” “He is blind, idiot. Flash-blindness doesn’t usually last this long, but it is only to be expected. His eyes will heal within the next 24 hours. He did hit the ground pretty hard too,” one of the Master Guard chipped in, before running Lioa’s hair through her hands, which made the boy nervous. “Oh, Lioa… what have you done to yourself?” Vesit said, as Lioa reached forward, hugging his blanket tightly. “Hey, it will be okay. Flash blindness is crappy, but you won’t die from it.” “Vesit?” Lioa whispered. “Lioa?” “I can’t see, I want to go home, don’t tell anyone but I am a little scared…” he whispered. “I won’t…” He reached forward and took Lioa’s hand, and pressed the boy’s head against his chest.
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Post by admin on Nov 23, 2019 7:27:05 GMT
Admittedly, while I’d like to catch up eventually, I was only able to tackle one chapter this time around. D: Sorry! But in any case, here we are with chapter seven. Before anything else, I’m really trying hard not to nitpick the medical stuff … but I gotta nitpick the medical stuff. I’ll be brief and then waltz right on over to my other notes. Sliding it behind a spoiler because it’s mostly crit, so you can skip it if you’d like. \o/ 1. James vomiting blood. (When did that happen, by the by? I don’t recall it happening in the scene prior to this chapter. D: ) So just briefly, I know this from past medical issues, but to put it in short, if you vomit blood … you dead. Or in other words, it means something in your digestive tract is bleeding (if it looks like blood, it’s probably further up), which indicates a serious problem, such as an ulcer at the very mildest to straight-up cancer. Or you drank clorox. That sometimes does it too. But in any case, to be vomiting enough blood to be noticable, that’s … really, really bad. At least, if it’s your own. Like, besides the fact that you probably can’t produce enough blood to vomit and not pass out from blood loss or go into shock, it generally means that you are absolutely not going to be well enough to make a full recovery at home. That is the sort of shiz you get admitted to a hospital and monitored 24/7 for, in other words. 2. Kitiku’s brain. I know I’ve had a long chat with you about this regarding Nusko, but to put it in short, an enlarged part of the brain doesn’t actually make people smarter. (Increased number of folds, maybe.) It actually probably puts you at a higher risk of a number of problems, as the brain would be pressing up against the skull. Or to put it another way, this kind of thing actually does happen in real life, in a number of conditions including encephalitis, hydrocephalus, and all of the conditions named in this article. In each case, victims don’t exactly die from having an enlarged brain, but the conditions they get from it are less “you don’t register things as quickly as other children” and more “you will likely suffer from seizures, memory loss, constant nausea, insomnia, changes in muscle strength, and emotional problems.” There’s also not one emotional gland; rather, several different cortexes of the brain control emotions at once. And I know that the reason why we kinda stalled out on the subject of medical dubiousness and Nusko is because this is ultimately a fic, and therefore, fic authors don’t necessarily have to spend a lot of time doing research. And I quite agree! But at the same time, it’s a little more apparent here because … well, these are important things for both characters, but I feel like they could be made stronger. In James’s case, it seems a little … anticlimactic. Even if you didn’t know the medical science behind vomiting blood, a character usually only does that if they’re seriously injured. Showing that they’re losing a lot of blood, especially in an unconventional way such as vomiting, tends to signal to a reader, “Hey, this character is probably ten steps away from death right now.” But … nothing really came out of that. Like, literally, the doctor says, “This child can go home; he should stop vomiting blood by mid-morning.” It’s for all intents and purposes treated like a case of stomach flu. So that part of the chapter feels a little out-of-place—even like it’s taking away from Kitiku’s scene because it’s difficult to tell whether or not this should be dramatic and should be taken seriously. (The characters seem weirdly nonchalant about the blood-vomiting, but it’s also blood-vomiting, so it’s difficult to tell.) Consequently, James’s condition feels like it’s only involving blood to be a little on the edgy side, which further takes away from the seriousness of the chapter. Luckily, this actually has a very simple solution: remove the word “blood.” James’s condition would actually make complete sense if he was just vomiting, well, bile and half-digested food. His brain was messed with, so of course he’d feel some garden-variety nausea that would lead to throwing up, which in turn would mean that it would still make sense for him to get a luxray scan. (Side point: It took me a full minute to realize that you were trying to mimic a CT scan there, not trying to say that luxray can read minds. Maybe a tweak there is in order too?) At the same time, it would also mean that he can easily go home after his check-up, which means that the whole shebang would actually be tighter, make more sense to a reader, and generally be more consistent in terms of tone if he were just experiencing perfectly ordinary vomiting instead of the blood kind. That brings us to Kitiku. Now, the reason why I have to bring up the nitpicking about Kitiku’s condition is because his case is the polar opposite of James’s: whereas James’s condition here seems a little superfluous to the overall story, this is a huge deal for Kitiku. It establishes something important about him, something that will affect him going forward. I assume, anyway, given that he’s straight-up given medicine, and the adults overall are taking his condition more seriously than James’s. The problem with this is that you have to be careful when establishing a character’s disabilities and conditions. To put it as lightly as I can, you definitely don’t want to give a character a disability/medical condition that is promptly forgotten, only seems to come up when it’s convenient, or only serves to make their character more tragic. That’s why it’s important to do your research into how different conditions actually work: so you’re armed with an understanding of what kinds of things your character will be facing so you can use that to plan down the road. In Kitiku’s case, he’s got an enlarged brain, right? As it stands, it seems like his only drawback is that he’s slower to react to things. That’s … actually not that bad, all things considered, and given that we don’t know how this medication he’s getting will actually work (as in, we haven’t yet seen what it will look like when Kitiku takes it), the drawbacks you’ve given him for this condition can easily be forgotten. However, if you drew a bit more on how having an enlarged brain can affect actual people, you’ll have a lot more material to work with. A character prone to seizures alone presents a lot more challenges to write, never mind the whole list of other issues an enlarged brain presents. Granted, many of those issues would require hospitalization or constant medication (usually both), but still, acknowledging that, yes, this is a serious condition with a lot of symptoms that will affect your character’s day-to-day life and then following through by showing what those effects would be creates a far stronger character arc than simply giving your characters medical conditions that inconvenience them at best and make them really difficult to watch at worst. (Aaaaay, Nusko.) And that’s what’s ultimately meant by “do your research.” It’s not so much that the reader is looking for dry, scientific fact in their fics. It’s more that they’re looking for a story where most things seem easy to swallow, as it were. Where their suspension of disbelief isn’t called into question. Doing even a bit of research—just enough to build your characters if you feel strongly about giving them medical conditions—will give you solid enough ground to build on so that you can avoid violating a reader’s willingness to buy what you’re selling, in a sense. Alternatively, there is a pretty easy way to have a character who’s not exactly great at social situations due to medical reasons, and that way is … just by giving them a mental disorder. Granted, yes, you’re still absolutely going to want to do research to avoid offending folks who actually have those conditions ( especially if you’re writing an autistic character, as autism is frequently misinterpreted in extremely unflattering ways via the media), but honestly, a lot of what you’re describing the long-term effects Kitiku is going to face matches up with more of a mental disorder than a physical one. We’re looking at effects that seem restricted to perception and emotion, rather than, well, anything else. That’s definitely a mental disorder in a nutshell because you’re looking at very minute imbalances, often on the chemical rather than physical level. (One last side point, though? The main reason why I worry about disabilities being forgotten/not really factoring into the obstacles a character is facing is because it actually happens in this chapter. D: While, yes, you have Kitiku using crutches at the end of the chapter, the main thing is … after major surgery, you’re not gonna be walking around so easily, especially if the surgery was on your leg and definitely if it was as invasive as it’s described here. You’re gonna need at least a few days to heal and allow your leg to “set,” as it were; otherwise, you’re doing more damage to yourself. And that’s if you can get up too, as chances are, moving would be less “leg was aching” and more like “leg feels like someone had reached inside, seized all the muscles, and twisted each one individually like a dishrag, then shoved the whole thing down a garbage disposal.” Assuming you’re not on painkillers, of course. Point is, Kitiku shouldn’t have been walking, so it actually kinda feels like the plot came first and the disability were tailored to fit the plot at the moment, rather than the other way around.) Or tl;dr, I don’t want to get stuck on medical details too much, but in this case, one led to a rather awkward tone set for the first half of the chapter, and the other deals with an issue that will have (or at least should have) a crapton of consequences for that character throughout the rest of the fic, and for the latter at least, I kinda feel like it could be done better somehow. Aaaand that was longer than it really should have been. Don’t get me wrong—there are definitely a lot of good parts here. Like, for example, the main reason why I’m zeroing in on Kitiku here is because Kitiku has always been one of my favorite characters of yours. Even in #character-dev, he’s a lot more interesting than even Elio, largely because he’s vulnerable. Elio comes close, but it’s like … he’s a god and a toddler at that, so any consequences are kinda hand-waved away. But Kitiku? Kitiku is not as strong as the others. This is often pointed out, and most importantly, the universe screws him over so hard, and the effects of that actually stick in very visual ways that he doesn’t lament about constantly. Like … the kid’s just trying not to die, and the universe comes back to kick him again. How can anyone not feel sorry for him? But I really do think that he shines best in this chapter. There’s so much focus on him and that vulnerability: the first scene where we see him small and trembling and actually needing to be picked up and cared for, the scene in the hospital where he’s awake and confused and being handed one diagnosis after another and a choice between losing his leg in one of two gruesome ways, the part where we find out he went with the objectively worse of those two aforementioned options, right up to the part where Kitiku was told to his face that he’s defective but at least he’d serve as a decent blood mule. Like, that is a lot for Kitiku, and this is keeping in mind that the above paragraph? Only part of a really long, very crappy day for Kitiku. It’s not even addressing the part where he falls off a roof and is thrown into a wall by a machoke. And, like … damn. Like, I could pick any part of that that could really drive home my point about how much you just want to feel for this character, but I think the back half of part four is really where it’s at. It’s where his spirit has to be the lowest: he’s just come out of surgery, and that surgery came after being told that he’s straight-up defective—slower than most kids in a lot of regards and destined for a crapton of strange medicines for life. And that’s not even going to touch that leg he’s had cut open, which will likely be a source of pain and ridicule (because it’s shorter than the other due to the missing bones) until he dies. No, that wasn’t enough. Being treated like a dog by this Lord just had to be a cherry on top. It’s not even just the blood thing, really, although that does take it to the next level. Like, even being told that he’s not allowed to speak, even when spoken to, before being told that he needs to give up literal parts of himself—it’s like every second of that scene takes more and more agency away from Kitiku, and that makes it difficult to watch in a good way. Because see, the thing is … it works somehow. Maybe it’s because Kitiku is so easy to empathize with (he’s not overtly a god or secretly a sociopath or anything like that; he’s just a regular kid with absolute shit luck), but this doesn’t feel over-the-top angsty or anything of the like. Like … sometimes, when I watch your characters in character-dev, I sort of bite my tongue because so many of them have these hugely tragic backstories that seem a little over-the-top. I mean, you have a small child constantly going on about how he’s a god and has had to kill already at the age of four or somesuch, for example, and that’s just one kid—not even the one that enjoys killing, although she’s a different story. But the point is, a lot of these characters have massively tragic, almost otherworldy origins that are difficult to relate to, and very rarely (at least in character-dev) do they face real consequences. Kitiku, in a way, is the opposite. Because he’s so powerless, he faces consequences for stuff he didn’t even do, hence why it’s just easier to root for him. And … I guess that’s what it all comes down to, really. You want to see Kitiku climb out of the hole he’s in right now because you don’t want to believe he can fall any further, but you do want to believe he can have a better life somehow. It’s like … this is pretty much every dystopian YA hero’s origin story; we’re just kinda waiting for Kitiku to realize that and claw his way up. Or for him to become the martyr that inspires the actual heroes to overthrow corrupt forms of power. Either or, really. And I could keep going on about Kitiku, but there are other characters here, and honestly, James is noteworthy in himself. Sure, there’s the whole blood vomit thing earlier, but that aside, it was fun watching James too. Why? Because ho shiz, that kid got shafted hard in his own right. Like … the doctor doesn’t take his injuries seriously, he’s told off by adults in practically every scene, he’s caught red-handed trying to sneak around (again), and he’s coerced into revealing his status as a Spitz because his adoptive family was threatened. He’s not having a good day, but honestly? The cherry on top is that half of this was his fault anyway. Even the blood vomit, really! Like, it felt like James was finally getting his comeuppance for being a little shiz 24/7, and it’s actually kinda great, ngl. Granted, whether or not James finally realizes that actions have consequences and that by sneaking around and yelling a lot, he’s doing exactly no one no favors is anyone’s guess, but at the very least … the seed of that thought is there? Sort of? Or at least he’s just spilled some vital info about his identity that will probably come back and bite him on the ass, but hey. But really, my favorite part of this chapter (other than everything with Kitiku in it) is probably part 2, where James starts to feel a bit of vulnerability and confides in Clarence because of it. Like, it’s a huge deal for James to simply say he’s afraid of dying to an adult, never mind how cute it is that he’s trusted Clarence enough to take the ivysaur pills. Like … James always came off to me as a macho try-hard teenager, but this—this shows that he’s willing to take the first steps into actual humanity, and I, for one, fully support this. Aaaanyway, I know that this seems mostly critical, but I swear, there’s a lot of good stuff going on with the characters this chapter. Eff, even Lioa looked a little vulnerable here, which he should honestly do more often because hot damn coltar do you not realize that being angry 24/7 is not good for your health. But seriously, this chapter was an excellent look at a number of characters we’ve been hanging out with already, and it was full of things that I sorta hope have long-term consequences. Especially for Kitiku. That kid is going to inspire a revolution, I s2g.
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Post by starfiregaming on Dec 3, 2019 23:56:42 GMT
hi, here for the book club, reviewing chapter 11 in particular;
for niceness' sake I'll start with the positives of this chapter because it was pretty alright all things considered. sorta, anyways. I'm of the opinion that kitiku is the best and most likeable character in this fic so giving him most of the chapter was probably a good call. you do a lot to help build on a sense of interiority in his one-sided conversation with zanha as well as his actions with incaresta later, as he examines what he wants and how it does or doesn't jive with his more hot-headed friends, and it's good to see him finding not only something that's right for him but some amount of agency (reaching out, arranging for pokeball toss lessons and of course writing the letter, which arguably accomplishes the heist's objective with none of the risk or hassle). you get the sense that the watershed moment lies just ahead, really.
I think I've taken apart most of the line-by-line issues this fic has had on my last review so I'll avoid getting into it now (some of them have improved, others have regressed, but that's how it is sometimes ig lol). so onto the chapter-specific issues - really there's two separate plots in this chapter, kitiku's and lioa's (everybody else is kinda peripheral here), which split off at the start and then don't interact again. one of those plots works and the other doesn't and the one derails the other really - the split in focus makes it almost dissociatively jarring and honestly I'm not quite sure why the two were juxtaposed like this. regardless the chapter tries to cover too many things at once and if the middle sections are strong it falls completely flat on the jump points and it's that floundering and wasted potential that sticks in my mind when I'm writing this.
which brings me to the second thing; the heist. I feel like the number one rule for making a narrative resonate is that you never ever ever explicitly set something up with no intention of having it payoff in any way shape or form. it's basically the equivalent of writing a check with no money in your account, in that it does nothing but annoy people and put you through more hassle down the line, except...that's pretty much what you did with the heist in a nutshell, or at least what it felt like. if the 'this plan is foolproof' narratively guaranteed that the heist was going to fail then by the same token the fact that the planning got the end of chapter 10 to itself suggested that it would be the primary event of chapter 11, but instead the heist was shot in the head just as it cleared the starting gate, for the purpose of...kitiku getting time to himself and lioa recovering from thunder shock. neither of which necessarily requires the heist's existence in the first place, and could have probably been accomplished much cleaner if there'd never been a heist to begin with.
so the problem is not just that the setup for the heist was invalidated because the heist died in a blink-and-you'll-miss-it moment...it's that the setup for the heist was invalidated because the heist had virtually no effect on the plot of this chapter (because yes I've lost count of the times that james andrew and lioa have wound up in jail together), which plays off the former and amplifies it like bad into worse. it disincentivises readers from paying attention to what's happening if the game frequently does 180s like this, and it disincentives readers from engaging or caring if the story's status quo is enforced the way it's been, and the fact that that sort of approach has started to feel routine grates on me to the point it kinda feels like a chore. I think the academic term for this feeling is called 'darkness-induced audience apathy' in case you want to look it up but yeah.
so in conclusion...good in sections and small doses, occasionally the grammar and word choice hits serviceable and the amount of glaring mistakes and rhythm killers has dropped, but I think the big picture planning and sequencing are still missing key pieces, and the fundamentals are house-of-quicksand shaky. it is what it is I guess. also your pov structure is still hard to follow even at the best of times but at the same time overhauling for third-person limited would be a challenge and probably more trouble than it's worth. it is what it is. good luck with improving and future chapters.
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Post by Cavespider_17 on Dec 6, 2019 22:44:06 GMT
Part 1
James sat, curled up in the corner of the cell. His throat hurt from all the shouting he had been doing, and his head hurt from being shouted at and told to behave or face the consequences. James wanted his Onix back, and it was the only thing he could think about now. He got up and laid down on the creaky bed with broken springs he stared up at the celling. It was musty and dusty and looked as if it had seen better days, and the walls were just as filthy. He tossed and turned trying to get comfortable, on the scratchy mattress. The door opened, and a daunting figure entered the cell. The man’s glasses were thin, golden rimmed and oval shaped. His eyes that hid behind them were a light shade of blue, and almost electric. He was somewhat skinny, and tall, so his purple uniform should have looked baggy in places. It did not. His cap was lowered, and his ring on his left hand was twisted, like a Seviper going to catch its prey. James gulped, realising he hadn’t bowed to the man, which could only mean that he was about to be in more trouble. The man went to reach for James, which made the boy flinch, he really needed Okta to save him. To his surprise the man had rested his hand on his shoulder. James looked up to smile, thinking he had gotten away with his mischief for the day, but as he did he realised the Master Guardsman wasn’t just a Master Guardsman, but the Captain of the protectorate Guard of the ruler of the island. The man was Felix Mainstenhill, and he was certainly not smiling. “So… you think it is funny to steal from my Guards?” the man started. “No, sir, I was just…” James quickly said, before receiving a cold glare, which made him hang his head in shame. “Don’t speak, boy. Speaking out of turn is a severe offence on Kilgor. Don’t make me carry out those punishments here,” Felix snapped. “You also think it is funny to attack my Guards and try and murder them?” “I didn’t attack anyone!” James shouted, before getting grabbed and slapped. “Truth, now!” Felix barked. “I didn’t do it! Why would I? Okta and I aren’t…” “That Onix belongs to me now. As do you, until you are found innocent.” “But, she is mine…” James whimpered out, as he became stressed. Felix crouched down next to him.“Tell me the truth, and you can have her back. A confession isn’t that bad. You will still be punished for attempted murder but less severely.” The man rested his purple hat on James’s head, “So, the truth if you will…” “I didn’t attack anyone. Okta and I can’t fight at the moment, she got badly hurt in a battle last night,” James said, which just made Felix look sharper. “So, your Onix was hurt in a battle last night?” he asked, and the boy nodded. “How interesting. My Guard was almost killed yesterday by a red-head and a large Pokémon.” “I didn’t do it!” James shouted desperately. “Felix! The boy didn’t do it,” Captain Bourbabel exclaimed as he barged into the cell. “Who let you out of your cage? Let me guess, Mylious Jackson sent a message to all my Guards, demanding your release…” “As well as everyone you have had arrested,” Clarence added. “Such a shame I outrank him,” Felix smirked. “Lord Piscar is on his way,” Clarence lied, “He isn’t pleased at how you have treated these innocent people, because one of your Guards lost a Bronzor.” “This boy attempted to murder…” “He did not. The proof is in the park, James did battle last night, yes, but it was a Southern Guard he got into a squabble with…” “Which means, he lost, meaning he should face the penalties…” “He didn’t lose though. I interrupted the fight and called it to a halt. At which point James had taken out the Guard’s Absol,” Clarence argued, “This Guard can clarify Jamess’ involvement, and after that, James was either with myself, or Sergeant Sutton all night.” “Either way, that doesn’t account for pre-evening events… does it now?” Felix pressed for answers, as he glared at James, intimidatingly. “I didn’t do it,” James repeated. “Why would I attack a Master Guardsperson? It’s a stupid idea, although after how you are treating me... you are treating me like I’m a criminal, and that’s not fair. Okta and I are the best battlers and you are…” “James, you are digging yourself into a hole,” Clarence warned. “That’s enough. Let me deal with this.” Felix turned to face Clarence. “If you think this boy is so innocent, why don’t you put your faith in a little challenge? Show some spirit, before I break it.” “I put every faith in James, because he is innocent.” “You won’t be putting your faith in him, you will be doing as I am doing, like I am putting my faith in someone I don’t trust.” He grabbed James, and dragged him out of the door, before throwing him against the wall. “Move, let’s end this.” Clarence helped James up, carefully. They walked to the end of the narrow corridor, James looked at all the pin-based locked on the doors. It was a simple Porygon based tech system, but it seemed to function fine. Felix watched the two as they started to take the stairs, and left the building. Outside Felix saw something which angered him even more. He saw the missing Bronzor being, what could only be described as ‘harassed through hugs’ from the skinny tall boy, who’s crutches were sprawled on the floor, as he leaned against the metal disc. “That one,” Felix pointed, as he scoffed in Elkrat through his Kilgorese accent. “You will have to put your faith in that defective.” He then stormed in the direction of Kitiku, snatched the town leaflet that Sutton had been happily reading (and scared him half to death), before whacking Kitiku on the head with it. The fright made the boy fall over onto his rear. Felix then grabbed the Bronzor and dragged it 10 feet away from Kitiku. As the boy struggled to bow, he walked back, and hauled him back onto his feet. “Leave Kitiku alone!” James shouted as loudly as he could, which left him on the receiving end of a cold stare, from the angered Captain of the Master Guard. “Kitiku, huh? Oh that’s going to make this game of mine even more fun,” his voice got louder as he talked. “Gather the town, let’s raise the stakes.”
The town had been quickly forced into a crowd, surrounding Kitiku and the Bronzor. Felix, happily was tapping his cane against his right hand, he watched as an old soldier he had seen in battle join the crowd. Tak watched as his son seemed to be the attention of the town. He thought how much shame his son could potentially bring him. “Well, now you are all here, let my game begin. This boy, is potentially a murderer. Now, we can’t stand for murderers in Coltar. Therefore he needs to be punished. However, Captain Bourbabel here believes he is innocent.” The Captain nodded as Felix poked James, continuing his speech. “If the Captain can put his faith in that defective to hit that Bronzor, and catch it in one throw, I will put my faith in the boy’s story. However, if the defective fails, the boy belongs to me, so does the defective, and you, Captain.” “This is unfair!” Sutton blurted out. “You can’t expect Kitiku to hit that, from there, in a single throw! It is his first time.” “It seems the faith is already not there. Fair enough. The ‘oh so loyal’ Sergeant… how you have added to my game. Okay, the boy gets three throws. However, if he fails, you belong to me too. If the boy refuses to take part, I burn down the town.” Felix said, “How is that for fair?” “Wait a go, Sutton…” James hissed. “I believe Kitiku can do it in three. Giratina will carry him,” Incaresta smiled, nervously. “One more thing, the boy can’t move forward from where he is. The Bronzor can’t get closer either.” Felix added, with his back turned, as he was fumbling around in his pockets. He withdrew three deep purple Poké balls and hurled them at Kitiku, who was pleased to catch the first one, before falling over trying to catch the remaining two. “That… the people of Fehahra, is what you have put your faith in.” Kitiku struggled to his feet, as he did he felt the crutches hurt his bruised hands. He was tired from carrying himself around, and all he wanted to do was hide in a corner somewhere away from all of these people. He shoved two of the balls into his pocket, and took a deep breath, before dropping his right crutch on the floor. He then looked around for support, but all the faces, except two, looked at him as if he was about to let them down. Incaresta wandered forward, to stand next to the boy. “Underarm, don’t worry about even hitting it first throw, gauge how far you can throw, and how far it is. Do you need to throw harder? Or lighter? You can do it, just take your time…” he whispered. Kitiku started to swing his arm, as he listened to Incaresta talking. The boy lobbed the ball in the general direction of the Bronzor, as he did he fell over from the lack of balance. As the ball twisted through the air it started to pick up speed. He had managed to accidentally add a little curve on it, which forced it to twist to the left. The ball had gained some height, and was no longer going to hit the centre of the Bronzor. Tak walked away. His son was an embarrassment. Clunk. Kitiku, still on the floor was shocked. The ball had actually hit the target, admittedly, it had clipped the top left corner of the Bronzor’s body. Unfortunately, the latch on the top hadn’t cracked open as it slammed into the target. Kitiku looked at Felix’s smug look, but it wasn’t smug anymore. His jaw had almost dropped. “That’s it. You know the distance now, same strength, less spin, more speed.” Incaresta rested his index finger on his right hand on top of the index finger on his left hand, but under the middle finger, and showed Kitiku the sign it made. “Yes,” Kitiku simply said, as he pulled himself. He then created a groove with his throwing arm in the air. Felix watched intently, before giving the boy a cold glare to try and scare him into missing. It worked. Kitiku skied the ball in a near straight line up. As it tumbled back down towards him he readied himself to catch it, and then he had an idea. ‘More power?’ He extended his right arm to the side and snatched the ball as it came into line with his throwing direction, and tossed it with the excess momentum. It curved just as much as before, but was much quicker, and started out much more central. The ball curved up towards the top left corner of the Bronzor’s body. Clunk. Once again the ball had clipped the metal creature, and it was sucked into the ball. “That’s it, now we hope…” Incaresta whispered. The ball started to roll and bobble on the floor. With each wobble and bobble Felix’s face started to become more straightened. Click. Zanha had gone in, and Felix watched as the town cheered. He puffed and walked forward, as his Guards held the crowd back from swamping the boy, he picked up the ball which had caught the creature. “The boy is innocent. As for you…” He stood in front of Kitiku, who was quickly intimidated, “What can I say? I am impressed. A defective outsmarts the Captain of the Master Guard.” He gave a small chuckle. “I will have to rethink my opinion on defectives.” He messed up Kitiku’s hair, before turning to Sutton, “As for you, Sergeant, don’t speak out of turn again. Captain, control that child. I don’t care how just do.” He swapped back to Kilgorese from the Elkrat and Colrat he had been talking respectively, “Let’s move out. It is clear the real murderer isn’t here anymore.” He placed the ball into the boy’s hand, and walked off. “I think you have the hang of it already,” Incaresta said, as he handed Kitiku his other crutch to stop him falling over. “C-can you still teach me? I-I am not good at battling and catching stuff.” The boy stuttered, as he struggled to handle his nerves around such a large crowd that was still staring at him. “Kitiku, you did it on your own… nearly…” the Sergeant said. “My father walked away… I am just a disappointment… so I want to get better. So I can be Pierre, so he doesn’t have to feel like he has a broken son, just the one he wanted.” Kitiku said, with sadness in his hopeless grey eyes. “I will help you get better, not so you can be Pierre but so you can be Kitiku. Is that a fair deal?” Kitiku tried to ignore Sutton’s attempts at getting him to admit he should be happy to be himself. “Give up and I may not electrocute you. Being electrocuted is scary isn't it? It sounds like a fair deal. Right?” Sutton joked, as that was the first time he had arrested Kitiku. The boy then hugged him, which was something he wasn’t ready for. “Okay, I will take that as a yes.”
General Greiss scowled, staring out of the hospital window. ‘All this ruckus, for what?’ he pondered, reaching into his pocket and pressing a cigarette against his lips, lighting a match and starting to smoke. “Lord Clavouro, you are finally here. That arsehole of a Captain attacked me, I want him punished for it.”
“I doubt you will be able to get that kind of justice today,” Lord Clavouro replied. “The Master Guard have pardoned him and are leaving. A missing Bronzor, nasty business. Heard anything, General?”
General Greiss glanced around the room, looking at the nurse who was petting her Miltank. “Nothing.”
“L-Lord Clavouro,” Nashe Bryson stuttered, a little unsure what to say. “I have brought the General his food, forgive me…” She stepped away, going to leave.
“Stop,” the Lord demanded, reaching over towards her, touching her shoulder and taking the plate from her stable hands. “I think you are forgetting the food. Is something wrong Mrs Bryson? Have something to hide?” He smirked at her menacingly. “Maybe you and I should talk about your son’s condition. A boy like that in his state should be deemed defective of all purpose and use. Should send him to the mines, rather than letting him run wild with those other boys…” he hissed.
Nashe gritted her teeth, grinding them a little under her closed lips, taking a deep breath she replied, “He may not be perfect, but at least he isn’t you.” She swivelled in place and walked off. “Well, she got you there,” the General sniggered.
“I will not have this outlandish behaviour from our prisoners of war!”
“She isn’t a prisoner of war, she is a citizen of an occupied land who is slightly pissed at you for telling her, her son can die.” Greiss puffed smoke in the Lord’s direction, making him growl a little.
“Get well soon, I need your help with some investigations.”
Part 2
Clarence watched as James tried to sneak out of the crowd. The boy was clearly aware he was about to get scolded, so was trying to make a daring escape. Before the trouble maker could get too far, he cut James off. “Let’s walk,” Clarence said, calmly. ‘Patience is key, especially with boys like James. He is angry, and understandably. We need to guide him, rather than shutting him down and fuelling that anger and hatred.’ He thought, as he planned what to say.
“James?”
“What?” James spat. “I hate you, you are no fun.”
“I am fun, I am also serious when I need to be, and this is one of those times. You almost got yourself killed with your stunts. Lioa is blind at the moment, and Andrew could have been killed too. If a thunder attack had hit either of them directly, they could have both had their hearts stopped.”
“Oh…” James replied, hanging his head. “We just wanted to help…”
“I appreciate that, but regardless, you almost got yourself and your friends killed. Therefore you will have to face some sort of repercussions.”
“What does that word mean?” The boy was confused, by Clarence’s slight mispronunciation.
“It means, you get punished for your bad actions.” Clarence’s response left James to start to sulk.
“I won’t let you hit me. Let me go!” James started thrashing around in a panic.
“Hit you? Why would I hit you? You haven’t done anything that would warrant such an extreme punishment. Scold, yes. Possibly given some sort of tedious punishment, yes. However, I won’t hit you for that. I believing spanking or caning a child should only be used as an extreme measure, when there is no alternative.” Clarence noticed James’s body language relax.
“You won’t hurt me for fun?”
“Of course not. That is sadistic. James, is there something you wish to tell me?” Clarence asked, as James looked at him. This man was definitely kind and forgiving.
“Rei…” James muttered, before changing the topic. “Can we battle please?”
“I see, and of course… however, I don’t want you using Okta. I’ll lend you one of my Pokémon instead.” Clarence said, as he walked with James to the green, “There are two I would like to keep rested, however, you have a choice: Hishrak (the Alakazam); Barook (the Braviary); Miskiak (The Houndoom) or Falaberot (the Gyarados). You may borrow two of those.”
“What is a Gyro-dos?” James tried to pronounce the word, with great difficulty.
“Gyarados? It is a water, flying type.”
“Can I ride it?” James said, eagerly. “I always wanted to fly.”
“I would rather you didn’t,” Clarence laughed. ‘An angry boy riding an angry Pokémon…’
“Hmm… Can I borrow Barook and Mishirak?” James said, in a desperate attempt to remember their names.
“Barook and Miskiak? Let’s see.” Clarence reached into his pocket and handed the two Pokémon over to James. “We will play Northern rules, okay?”
James nodded as the man walked away, before turning around.
“Hishrak, let’s go!” Clarence tossed the Alakazam onto the battlefield gracefully, and the ball bounced perfectly back into his hand. As Hishrak landed he stared at James, eagerly.
“Miskiak, it is on you!” James called out, throwing the ball hard. It rolled as it hit the ground, and released the Houndoom.
The dark type let out an annoyed cry as it had clearly been napping beforehand.
“Use… er… bite?”
The Houndoom scowled at being told what to do, by what appeared to be a strange smelling boy. Instead of doing as he was told, he simply curled up on the spot and attempted take another nap.
“Oh come on, get up lazy!” James started to try and push the Houndoom out of his battle box, only to be snapped at.
Clarence started to laugh.
James’s inexperience was clearly being sensed by the much more experienced Houndoom.
“Hishrak, return to me, Falaberot, I think it’s your turn already.” Clarence returned his Alakazam, before releasing his Gyarados onto the field. “Waterfall!” As she came out of her ball, the Gyarados sprayed water into the air, which started to come crashing down where the Houndoom was happily snoozing.
“Get up, come on…” James was pushing on the Houndoom’s backside, trying to get him to move. Although, secretly, Miskiak was watching the Gyarados’s attack. As the water came plummeting towards him, he got quickly and moved out the way.
James, who fell over from the force he was pushing the creature with, got drenched. Watching the water soak the boy, like a sponge, made the Houndoom snigger, before rolling over, and letting out a battle cry.
“James, you aren’t meant to get yourself drenched!” Clarence laughed, “Okay Miskiak, be nice. You have had your fun. Falaberot use waterfall!”
“Use bite!” James returned a move, however, Miskiak didn’t. He ran towards the giant serpent, and emitted listen dark pulse instead, which turned the entire battlefield black for a few seconds. “I said use bite!” James shouted out, irritated.
“James, relax. A Pokémon can sense when their trainer is uptight.” As Miskiak turned back to face James, he was coated in the water from the waterfall attack, and the hot steam that was coming out of his nostrils suddenly became cold, as he fainted from the attack. “Go and retrieve Miskiak’s ball please, before sending out another Pokémon.” Clarence ordered, James grunted in return, as he dragged himself past the fainted Houndoom and picked up the ball, before returning to his so called battle box.
“Miskiak, come back. You weren’t powerful at all. You didn’t even listen to me.” James puffed at the ball, as he reached into his pocket and took out the second. “Barook, please listen to me…” James said, as he released the Braviary from its ball, by pressing on the capsule lock. As he did the red feathered bird shot out, and hovered above his head for a moment before landing next to James, and staring him in the eyes. Barook was very big for a Braviary, and was even taller than he was.
“Use ice fang!” Clarence called out, as the serpent slithered through the air towards the Braviary.
“Use steel wing!” James shouted. As he did, Barook’s wings turned solid, and he started to flap viciously, before letting out a loud cry, and started to fake-peck at James, before flying up high into the sky, and swooping back down and grabbing a large stick that had fallen from a tree. Barook then preceded to chase one of the soldiers who just happened to be walking by the park on the street.
“Southern jerk, why won’t they do what I tell them to?” Clarence stepped outside of the assigned box, and wandered over to James, who was annoyed, and dripping with water.
“See how frustrating it can be when people don’t do as they are told? It can put someone else in danger. Barook, here!” The Braviary immediately stopped fake-harassing the soldier and dropped the stick, before flying over to Clarence and rubbing his head on the man’s shoulder. James then realised that the entire event had been a lesson, to teach him to behave in a manner that didn’t interrupt the transition to Southern occupational life.
“This was a stupid lesson, right?” James scorned.
“Not stupid at all. It is an important one. Maybe it was unfair of me to lend you two Pokémon, which I knew wouldn’t listen to you. They understand your language, but they don’t care much for trainers who they feel are weak… don’t take it personally. I don’t think you are weak at all, in fact, I think you are incredibly talented. However, my Pokémon have seen some… nasty battles, if they don’t think you could guide them through those, they consider you weak. If you want to get better,
I don’t mind spending time showing you things.”
“Why? Don’t you have a town to make miserable? There are a lot more people in this town than just my group of friends.”
“I know. I spend as much time as I can with all of them. However, sometimes, some people need more attention than others. I feel like you need more attention than most… not because you are an orphan or are angry at things for how they are, but because you have so much potential, and I don’t want you to destroy yourself with it.” Clarence said, calmly and softly. “You are a clever boy, James.”
“How do you get the stupid ball to come back anyways?” James grumbled.
“Backspin, and velocity management, if you want I can teach you that. I don’t mind, but maybe not tonight, since it is getting late and you have school tomorrow.”
“Stupid school…” James grumbled again. “What is velocity?” James asked,
“Velocity, the speed of the ball in a direction. It’s actually a relatively new concept. An off-islander brought it up under interrogation about… twenty years ago. The Master Guard wasn’t pleased to find an off-islander on Coltar. They could have killed him, yes, but instead they discovered the man had a knack for languages, and something called ‘scientific principle’, he belongs to one of the Master Guard as a servant, and helps him, or her, with their daily work in regard to researching myths.”
Clarence stroked his moustache as he delved into thought.
“Where did he come from?”
“Who knows? He confessed to coming from the abyss, and found himself on something called a raft, with knowledge in his head. He couldn’t remember much…” Clarence pondered.
“I want to see the outside abyss myself…”
“That is treason. Leaving this island results in death, from either the Guard, or from whatever is out there.” The officer scolded.
“I…”
“No, James that is enough,” Clarence’s voice remained calm.
“Yes, sir.” James whispered, hanging his head and pressing it against the man’s chest. “I want my mother…” James started to produce fake tears, to try and get the man to simply send him back to the Bryson household without any more actions against him.
“James, I said that is enough. I have a lot of paperwork what needs sorting alphabetically… that could be the punishment. Helps me get out of trouble with Lord Jackson, who is pretty fuming I didn’t send the paper work off two days ago, and it helps you practice reading.”
Clarence smiled at him, only to see James cross his arms once more in a sulk. “I will be in the office if you need help, but since you should be learning to read the alphabet tomorrow, and basic numbers, I am sure you will have it memorised.”
“Stupid school…” James grumbled again.
“You want to be flown home?” Clarence asked, as he pet Barook on the head. “Barook can carry up to the weight of a Metagross, which is very heavy.”
“Wait… really?” James said, as he came closer.
“Yes, of course. Braviary is a strong Pokémon, he could lift up Okta if he wanted… not sure for how long, but at least five to ten seconds. Let me just get my goggles from my… ah… it appears I have left them in my office. Oh well, I suppose the fresh air won’t hurt, as long as we don’t go too fast.” Clarence helped James onto Barook’s back, before leaning over the top to stop the boy from falling off. “I forgot my harness too. I trust Barook to be careful.”
“What do you mean?” James asked as Clarence pressed James close to Barook’s back, so the boy could only see the back of the bird’s head.
Barook suddenly shot up into the air, as Clarence held on tightly to his core feathers.
James’s face represented sheer horror at first, but then he quickly came to enjoy the thrill of rising up and up towards the clouds. James quickly moved his legs to either side of the Braviary, before raising his head a little to see where they were flying.
Clarence kept his body as close to the Braviary’s back as possible, without completely crushing James. Rather, he was using his body weight to stop the boy from sliding off completely. “How high can he go?” James yelled, as Barook climbed higher and higher.
“As high as I need him to, except if we go too high his wings will freeze, and we will plummet to our deaths… one of the reasons why I hate flying!” Clarence shouted over the sound of the air rushing past them.
“Why? This is fun, and I’m not even steering yet!”
“I don’t think I would trust you to steer yet!” Clarence almost laughed, as the Braviary levelled out carefully. “Braviary and Mandibuzz nests are often in the mountains, above the clouds!”
“What is a Mandibuzz?” James asked, shouting over the gushing air.
“Imagine General Greiss in a dress, then turn the dress into bones… and make it a lot moodier!” Clarence shouted, as a joke. James started to laugh at the Captain’s humour. “Nearly there, Barook, down slowly.”
“Already?” James shouted, saddened. “Can we go again?” He asked, as the bird swooped down as quickly as it could. “I don’t think he is going slowly! Faster Barook, I bet you can’t fly faster than a Hydreigon!”
“No definitely not faster. Barook, slow down!” The Braviary, gently started to slow his decline, as he heard the fear in Clarence’s voice.
“Aww…” James huffed, as Barook came to a careful stop outside the Bryson household. “Again?”
“That is why I hate flying, reason number two… the speed of the decline.” Clarence whispered, “I think you need rest first. If you don’t cause trouble I will take you for another flight on Wednesday.”
“What? That’s unfair, that’s…” James paused to think, “Almost another fast away.”
“I need to recover, I am not a keen flier. I would much rather teleport, but Hishrak thinks it’s an abuse of his abilities.” Clarence smiled, as James scowled. “Let’s get Nashe to put you to bed.”
“Hey…” James nudged the man. “Thank you for letting me fly, you Southern jerk.” James’ expression was neutral.
“Captain Bourbabel, please. I don’t like to be referred to, and I quote, as ‘Southern jerk’, it makes me feel as if I am offending you and everyone else here.”
“Mister Southern jerk?” James asked, hoping his attempt at a compromising insult of his name would be accepted.
“We will get there in the end…” Clarence sighed, as he knocked on the door.
“Thank you, Barook.” James said, as he started to pet the Braviary that seemed pleased with itself. “Next time, can you go as fast as a Hydreigon? I want to fly so fast the world becomes a painting of smudged colours!” Barook, seeing James lighten up a lot, gently and playfully pecked the boy on the head.
“Please… don’t encourage him.” Clarence said, sternly.
“Who?” James asked curiously.
“Both of you. You are both trouble makers.” Clarence smiled at the Braviary and the boy. ‘I suppose at least he has found a personality match with Barook. Definitely. Maybe something like this is a good way to help iron his trouble making behavior out, or at least make it very manageable.’ Clarence straightened up his trinity knot tie, as he heard Nashe come to open the door.
As Nashe opened the door to see the man’s face, she didn’t know what to say. She was stunned, if not horrified to see the Captain sent by Lord Piscar, particularly as Tak wasn’t there to fight if things got nasty. Her grey dress became as stiff as she did as she struggled to find the words.
“I’ve brought James home.” Clarence said, as he went to nudge James forwards. However, when his hand didn’t reach James he quickly turned around. He saw the boy playing with Barook. He was jumping around, trying to avoid the playful pecks of the large Pokémon. “James. Time to sleep.” James looked up upon hearing his name a second time, before walking over towards Nashe.
“I suppose he has been causing trouble. Tak will be incredibly unhappy. You are heading towards being thrown out, James.” Nashe scolded, immediately.
“A little trouble, nothing that I can’t iron out though.” Clarence said, as he watched James go inside.
“Would you like to come in?” Nashe asked, cautiously.
“If it isn’t too much trouble, I would love to spend some time with your household. I hope to help everyone in the town as much as I can. Since occupation will last longer than the end of the war, I can imagine.” Clarence said, calmly, as he returned Barook to his ball. Clarence then stepped inside, carefully minding his head on the door, and coming into the dining room.
“Would you like a drink at all?”
“No, thank you.” The Captain said, quietly. “Hopefully the boys will be asleep soon. They both have big days tomorrow. Lots to learn, and so much little time than I had when I started to learn.”
“Why are you doing this? I don’t understand. You pretend to care about us?” Nashe asked, sounding slightly irritated.
“Lord Piscar cares about everyone in the North. Particularly the new generation. He feels, like I, that if they are taught and educated from a young age, the North can grow powerful and prosperous. Something which Lord Madison’s … policy… would never allow.” Clarence said, cautiously as he heard the sound of the stairs creaking. Kitiku had made his way half way down the stairs. He was tired, but he had just been woken by the noise. Nashe rushed over to see him.
“Go back to bed, Kitiku. It’s late… you must be tired. Please, you need rest.” She whispered to him, as he reached forward to be held in her arms. “One last hug, then you go and sleep?” He raised his hands, and tapped his right wrist twice with his little finger on his left hand, before clenching both fists for a mere second, and drawing a cross on his right hand with his left index finger.
“Sorry Kitiku, I didn’t mean to wake you.” Clarence said, as he slumped against the wall. The boy almost jumped out of his skin, as he didn’t notice Clarence appear. “Hishrak can carry him back up, he is like an extra pair of eyes too, so will make sure both of your sons sleep well.”
“Thank you, it would be appreciated.” Nashe said, as she hugged Kitiku before Hishrak lifted upstairs him using psychic.
“Has he always been like that?”
“Like what?”
“He signs more than he talks.” Clarence stated, hoping to discover why the boy was so shy.
“He has done that since he was five years old. I don’t know what triggered it, but he has always been a shy child. He signs because he believes that there is no solid interaction between himself and the other person that way.” Nashe said, tentatively.
“So he feels safer, I presume. His silence does concern me greatly. James on the other hand…”
“Trying to get James to shut up is the trick.” Nashe interrupted.
“He is very intelligent; his plans are innovative and his battling skills are outstanding, considering his lack of formal training,” Clarence said, as he pondered upon how to help James develop as a citizen. “He does like to stir trouble though.”
“Tak has threatened to throw him out if he doesn’t stop soon.” Upon her mentioning Tak, Oosho slipped into the room, he was quietly puckering along the floor. He wasn’t happy.
“I see. I hope to stop that from ever happening.” Clarence replied. As he did the angry Octillery squelched his way along the floor towards the Captain. He was as silent as he could be. “By the way, I can see you Oosho. I am not blind, nor stupid. In fact, I have eyes in the back of my head… so don’t even think about using hydro pump on me.” The Octillery was shocked, how could this Southern ‘peasant’ see him? He started to have a tantrum.
“Oosho stop. Tak isn’t here, stop being so ungrateful.” Nashe commanded. The Octillery huffed, annoyed, in response.
“Moody, eh… not a bad ability to have… can get really, really stressful though, I imagine. Where is Tak anyway? Curfew has dropped…” Clarence quickly asked. “He can’t work today since it is Friday, as it is illegal for him to… so where is he?”
Nashe just stared at him, blankly. She didn’t want to answer the question. “Mrs. Bryson, the truth is important here. I suspect I already know the answer, and it’s not what I want to hear, however, I understand why. So the truth, please.”
“Please leave.” Nashe said, incredibly uncomfortably.
“Tak is working, isn’t he?” Clarence prompted.
“I…” Nashe started, she knew if she asked him to leave again, she would answer his question.
“It’s a serious offence.” Clarence’s face straightened.
“We need the money… we can barely pay the rent, and food…”
“I know…” Clarence stopped, and pressed his hand into his chin, as he thought about what to do. “I can’t let this offense slide. If I let you get away with it, then everyone else will want to try too. However, given the circumstances, I can reduce the outcome.”
“What is it without the reduction?” Nashe asked, worried.
“Imprisonment, or a massive fine, whichever hurts the household more. In this case, imprisonment would do that, since Tak earns almost everything for the household…” Clarence sighed, “I can fine you for a first offense instead. The current fine would be over a five hundred Colkara, which I find ridiculous. Considering you struggle to afford rent and food. That would over a whole month’s money gone, and you wouldn’t have paid rent yet. I can fine you three hundred and twenty-eight Colkara instead. That is probably the least I can get away with, and even then I am probably pushing my luck.”
“That’s still too much. Tak earns only fifteen Colkara a day, that’s twenty one days of money gone. Please, don’t do this. It was a mistake, an honest mistake.” Nashe was trying her best to plead, “What about our children? They will starve, they already do sometimes because of the war. You can’t expect them to live off of so little!”
“I don’t,” Clarence paused. “I can’t let it slide, it would be picked up immediately. Particularly, as working requires papers, and Tak must have been noted as being present today, which went on record this morning, before I saw it in raw form. A few Lords had gone to arrest him already. I have an idea. Tak earns 15 Colkara a day… I can set it up so you can pay it over a long period of time without fear of reprisal. Does that sound like a good idea?”
“Yes, sir…” Nashe said, she was incredibly upset.
“If it was to be twelve Colkara a month, as payment that would be reasonable, I think. You would still keep 48. I believe your rent is 30 a month, which leaves 18 Colkara for food. It’s tight, but it will clear the debt quickly, without hurting your family as much as it would elsewise. I will have Tak released in the morning, presuming he has been arrested.” Clarence said, he was desperate to help the Bryson family as much as he could.
“Yes, sir. What about James and Kitiku? I don’t want us to be thrown out of the house and them to live on the streets.” Nashe worried,
“It won’t happen. Tomorrow, I will talk it through with Tak too, and we will find the best possible outcome.”
“Thank you…” Nashe whispered. “I am going to check on Kitiku, I hope he is asleep and didn’t hear this.” Clarence knew her concern was for her only son, and not the orphan boy she had been hiding as her son.
“I need to get Hishrak back, so let’s go and make sure they are asleep.” Clarence said, calmly, “Mrs. Bryson, it will be okay. I promise I will do everything I can to make this manageable.”
James hugged Kitiku, who was stressed as he had overheard what had been said in places. The boy’s black hair had flopped over his face, and his eyes dimmed with new found, additional, hopelessness. James reached over to his bed and lifted his jacket, which he had dumped there, and wrapped it around his friend’s shoulders. Hishrak was watching closely, as if he was waiting for James to do something aggressive, but it was becoming clearer by the minute that James didn’t care as much for violence when his friend was scared or hurting. “Kitiku, it’s not going to be that bad, there is no way I’ll let him throw us out. I’ll fight him again. I won’t lose this time.” James whispered.
“It will be. I want my father home.” Kitiku whispered, as he started to get himself worked up. James heard a noise by the door, and he quickly picked up Okta’s ball to defend himself. He was relieved when Nashe came in the door first. She sat down next to Kitiku, who was clearly upset, and sighed.
“James, Kitiku, you two should be asleep,” She said, softly.
“Forget it! We know everything. I hate you,” James shouted as he tried to thump Clarence, but missed and almost fell over. “You want to kick us out, because you want to arrest Tak and ruin our lives and starve us and stuff.”
“Wait… what? James, no. That is not what I want at all. I want to make sure you don’t get kicked out, Tak doesn’t get imprisoned, and you don’t starve.” Clarence sat down next to James on the bed. “Tomorrow morning, I will release Tak from Jail, and he and I will have a long discussion about how the fine the household will receive, shall be paid off. I recommend it is done in chunks, which are large, but go away quickly, while leaving you money for food and rent.” As dusk fell over the pub in the middle of town, four men sat at a creaky table in the corner. Gretox looked over to his three companions, slushing the fermented berry and ale in his metal mug which was painted with dents from over use. “So, is it true?” “The plan was spoiled by those runts and the Captain,” the elder man spat, tilting his dark brown cap as he lowered his tone. “What now? The boy caught the Bronzor, and the ‘oh so angelic’ Captain of the Master Guard Mainstenhill walked away without quashing this destitute town. Meanwhile, Captain Bourbabel remains at large.” The man on the edge of the table chuckled an uneasy laugh, rocking himself a little on the wooden bench seat, making it creak incessantly. “Oh, woe is you. Did someone’s ego get hurt by them being outwitted by a defective child?” His cackle turned to a sneer as he said, “Why be disguised? No one cares, what do you have to be afraid of? If I am caught the world has me hanged, if you are caught no one would even notice what you are up to.” “Silence. If it wasn’t for your incompetence and petty sadistic chasing of a mere fourteen-year-old boy, with your Lampent show, you could have been here, in town helping end the Captain’s life. You are lucky, one word from me about your hiding spot and I am sure the Lord Captain, Lord Jackson, would happily come down here and tear you apart.” The coldest figure rose up, tossing a tip down on the table. “The Captain is the chosen one from the other side of the prophecy, that much I can guess. I have seen it in my nightmares, and as long as Piscar remains in control there is no hope for a… better… world.” Gretox choked on his ale, looking up at him. “You take heed to nightmares?” “I do. Particularly ones caused by the stones.” “Which stone would that be?” Rei sniggered, showing the Poison stone in his hand, glowing. The air surrounding them because stale and disgusting, like eating from the same plate as a Muk. “’Which stone’ doesn’t concern you. I touched it, held it in my palm… and that man has to pay for everything his blood has ever done and will do. Piscar must fall.” The man clasped his fist tightly, slamming his fist on the table hard. “And now we have the additional problem of the Bronzor being in the kids’ hands. Do you have any idea what those things are trained to do? How powerful they can become? It is in the hands of a defective.” The elder gentleman pulled his long green hair a little before perking up. “Just kill the kids. They are in the way.” “No, that would be too… rash. Too hard to brush under the Sceptile. However, if these children were to be put in danger then the Captain would come running. His love for this scum makes me sick, but works to our advantage. If we kill the Captain one, the prophecy re-rolls, preventing Armageddon, two, it brings Lord Piscar and Lord Jackson down here… leaving them open, elsewise the Southern Castle is less protected. A minor accident should befall them both and…” The landlord’s ears picked up, turning to face them with a ragged face, worn down from the sweat of the kitchen and the excessive pints of alcohol he had consumed in his life. “Now what is this ruckus?” he said, coming over, leaning on the table. “Now, if you lads won’t shut up and stop smashing my table with your heavy handedness, I’ll have to call the Captain, or worse… actually, Lord Clavouro, I know the man is a busy one but you are acting a little too threatening for my liking.” The group paused for a moment, leaving Gretox to stand. “I am sorry, sir, we are just leaving, thank you for the ale.” He placed two coins gingerly on the table, making his way towards the shabby wooden door. “Gentlemen, I bid you goodnight, long live Colran and all those who live here.” As dusk fell over the pub in the middle of town, four men sat at a creaky table in the corner. Grektox looked over to his three companions, slushing the fermented berry and ale in his metal mug which was painted with dents from over use. “So, is it true?” “The plan was spoiled by those runts and the Captain,” the elder man spat, tilting his dark brown cap as he lowered his tone. “What now? The boy caught the Bronzor, and the ‘oh so angelic’ Captain of the Master Guard Mainstenhill walked away without quashing this destitute town. Meanwhile, Captain Bourbabel remains at large.” The man on the edge of the table chuckled an uneasy laugh, rocking himself a little on the wooden bench seat, making it creak incessantly. “Oh, woe is you. Did someone’s ego get hurt by them being outwitted by a defective child?” His cackle turned to a sneer as he said, “Why be disguised? No one cares, what do you have to be afraid of? If I am caught the world has me hanged, if you are caught no one would even notice what you are up to.” “Silence. If it wasn’t for your incompetence and petty sadistic chasing of a mere fourteen-year-old boy, you could have been here, in town helping end the Captain’s life. You are lucky. One word from me about your hiding spot and I am sure the Lord Captain, Lord Jackson, would happily come down here and tear you apart.” The coldest figure rose up, tossing a tip down on the table. “The Captain is the chosen one from the other side of the prophecy, that much I can guess. I have seen it in my nightmares, and as long as Piscar remains in control there is no hope for a… better… world.” Grektox choked on his ale, looking up at him. “You take heed to nightmares?” “I do. Particularly ones caused by the stones.” “Which stone would that be?” Rei sniggered, showing the Poison stone in his hand, glowing. The air surrounding them because stale and disgusting, like eating from the same plate as a Muk. “’Which stone’ doesn’t concern you. I touched it, held it in my palm… and that man has to pay for everything his blood has ever done and will do. Piscar must fall.” The man clasped his fist tightly, slamming his fist on the table hard. “And now we have the additional problem of the Bronzor being in the kids’ hands. Do you have any idea what those things are trained to do? How powerful they can become? It is in the hands of a defective.” The elder gentleman pulled his long green hair a little before perking up. “Just kill the kids. They are in the way.” “No, that would be too… rash. Too hard to brush under the Sceptile. However, if these children were to be put in danger then the Captain would come running. His love for this scum makes me sick, but works to our advantage. If we kill the Captain one, the prophecy re-rolls, preventing Armageddon, two, it brings Lord Piscar and Lord Jackson down here… leaving them open, elsewise the Southern Castle is less protected. A minor accident should befall them both and…” The landlord’s ears picked up, turning to face them with a ragged face, worn down from the sweat of the kitchen and the excessive pints of alcohol he had consumed in his life. “Now what is this ruckus?” he said, coming over, leaning on the table. “Now, if you lads won’t shut up and stop smashing my table with your heavy handedness, I’ll have to call the Captain, or worse… actually, Lord Clavouro, I know the man is a busy one but you are acting a little too threatening for my liking.” The group paused for a moment, leaving Grektox to stand. “I am sorry, sir, we are just leaving, thank you for the ale.” He placed two coins gingerly on the table, making his way towards the shabby wooden door. “Gentlemen, I bid you goodnight, long live Colran and all those who live here.”
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Dtmahanen
Witnessing (and participating in) shenanigans
Posts: 123
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Post by Dtmahanen on Dec 18, 2019 4:35:47 GMT
I return once again for the Book Club! This is for ... well, Chapter 1, I guess, I must've misread it the first time, huh. Either way, just like before, the worldbuilding is top-notch. Like girl-like-substance mentioned, the introduction of that "cutting rations when committing crimes" stuff is well-introduced, and I really do get the sense that this is a world with a good deal of history to it.
Here's the problem as I see it, though. I'm having a lot of trouble getting through it and getting to the good worldbuilding because I feel as though I'm not learning it. As I mentioned in my last review, I can't help but feel that much of the most interesting stuff is being told to me, rather than being left for me to find as I read. Couple that with the fact that there's ... well, there's a lot of stuff to get through, quite frankly, and the perspective shift, and it gets a little difficult to track things as I read.
And, I'm sorry, but I just ... don't like James. At all. He just seems like he never grew out of his childish phase. And it's not the "cute" childish phase, it's the stubborn one I see in the 6th graders that I teach, where they act a certain way because of spite. I honestly feel for Kitiku, since he seems to be the butt of a lot of what happens to the characters. Hell, I even sympathize with Sutton, even with the electrocution bit, because he's the constant target of some pretty annoying kids. I'm hoping that James comes around, but I get the feeling that it's gonna take a while.
But hey, gengar fight, and yeah, if you thought the fight in the prologue hinted at people using pokémon against other people was a thing, this cements it. Pokémon fights are violent, and the Trainers aren't safe. I like that.
Final note, but once again, I'm just not sure that the places where you put part breaks, at least at the beginning of the chapter, didn't always feel right. It got better over time, though, so I'll say it's an improvement.
Once again, there's definitely something here to enjoy, and despite my complaints, I'm still intrigued by the world and story. I just have some quibbles, that's all. I'm looking forward to more.
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Post by █ █ m a g i c k a █ █ on Jan 18, 2020 20:49:53 GMT
Okay, time for another special edition of B O O K C L U B, here reviewing your most recent chapter as requested.
Alrighty, so here's what I'm gonna do. There's a number of things that annoyed me, and there are a number of things that I liked. Thus, I'm going to put all the things that annoyed me or felt like mistakes here at the beginning of the review. Then, once I'm done complaining, I'll go over the things I liked, okay? Okay, cool!
Now, my main complaint, the thing that annoyed me more than anything else, was the dialogue. I'm not saying the dialogue was bad or cheesy on any level, but I am saying that a number of small stylistic choices added up to a not insignificant sense of annoyance whenever I read the dialogue. Primarily, my personal issues regarding the dialogue are stylistic. I found myself often struck by the dearth of contractions in speech, and the truly bizarre application of commas in certain places.
As an example, "Gyarados? It is a water, flying type," reads very oddly to me, and demonstrated the two points above. It feels odd for a person to say "It is," instead of "It's" in a non-formal setting, and while I don't think "... a water, flying type," is grammatically wrong, exactly, I can say that it definitely scans oddly. I feel as though putting a dash, "It is a water-flying type," would help mitigate this, as it more closely resembles how I've seen dual types... uh, typed. Just combine this with "It's," and I think the resulting, "Gyarados? It's a water-flying type," feels more natural - especially since the comma adds a pause in the dialogue when you read it that I don't think was intentional.
I'd list more examples, but it's pervasive enough for me to regard it is as a general stylistic issue than a mistake or individual incident. I'd just say, say it out loud to yourself with everything that these grammatical characters and punctuations communicate. If there's a pause due to a comma, does it feel stilted and weird, or does it flow naturally? If there are two words that can be contracted, what would be the purpose for not contracting them? Does it communicate something specifically about how that character operates, and if so, is it consistent?
Keep in mind, I advocate naturalistic dialogue in any capacity. If naturalistic dialogue isn't what you're going for, I may find it hard to not be bothered by the dialogue in future reading.
Also, small mistake I found - "... an old soldier he had seen in battle *join* the crowd."
*should be joined, I'm pretty sure.
Now, that takes care of my issues with the chapter. From here on, I'd say I'm much more positive.
When I was given the request to review the most recent chapter, I had worried that there would be a lot of things I wouldn't understand without context. While I don't think this is unfounded, it ultimately did not come to pass.
In fact, the chapter was fairly easy to digest. Who was a good guy or bad guy was fairly clear, you get a pretty decent feel for the characters due to how much air time they get, and I'd honestly say that all the politics with regards to North vs. South worked very well. This is primarily because it felt like a natural background element - that is to say, I felt like I was learning the world naturally. By having North vs. South be casual parts of conversation, shown in little bits, you end up expositing diegetically. In so doing, I feel much more satisfied as a reader having learned about the world naturally as an extension of the characters and narrative, as opposed to being told or info-dumped.
As for the characters, I found myself enjoying them. I'd say that I got a decent impression of everyone's personalities, and the dynamic between Clarence, the people he works for, and the public. It was all very easy to immerse one's self into this world as it went along - even if I didn't have any context going in. It was refreshing, in a way, to plop myself midway through a story and be able to read the chapter as effectively as any one shot.
That's the bulk of what I have to say. I appreciate the little-shitness of James, and the mentor figure Clarence felt as though he'd grow an interesting dynamic with James. I feel as though so long as you stick to this general style, and if the dialogue becomes improved, this could be a really great story. Keep up that diegetic exposition, and we're golden.
4.0/5.0 - There are issues, but I think that the chapter was very well done otherwise.
There ya go.
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Post by Cavespider_17 on Jan 19, 2020 22:22:38 GMT
Part 1 (Only Part)
The route to Finar was quiet, it was a perfect place for the Captain, James and Kitiku to go. The lack of distractions allowed them time to think. There was a wonderful view of Finar and the ocean from the mountain side between the two towns. Kitiku had found it tiring to carry himself there on his crutches, and felt relieved once Clarence had stopped walking beside him. The man walked towards the edge of the cliff, and leaned carefully against the cemented down railing. Kitiku shuffled over to get closer. He felt the wind brush against his hair, and against his thin shirt. James followed cautiously. He looked around at the sky, at the moon that was repealing its cycle once more. He could see all the stars in all their glory, as the clouds faded around them. He heard the wind rush through the canyon which wasn’t too far along the route. “What do you see?” Clarence asked them both. “It’s… quiet, but not. It’s strange. Nothing,” James said. “The sea and sky. The ground and stars. The moon and sun. They are all in balance. Our religion teaches us that Giratina holds the balance of the world, and these things are just examples of that balance.” Clarence said, as he closed his eyes and felt the wind brush against his skin. “Liar!” James shouted, angrily. “Cresselia keeps the ‘balance’!” Kitiku remained quiet, as he felt the wind rush past him. He wished he could rush away with the wind. “Your religion is a lie, and you are evil. You want to destroy our…” James felt a sharp pain in his side from where the Gengar had bitten him. “Are you okay?” Clarence asked, concerned. “Let me see.” James shook his head. “It’s nothing. It’s where I got hit by that Master Guardswoman earlier, it’s just sensitive.” Clarence squinted at him, “Okay…” Clarence said, unconvinced. “James, I have no intention of ruining anything or destroying anything.” “The world isn’t balanced…” Kitiku whispered. “Zanha told me… I heard her earlier.” “Bronzor, unlike most psychic types struggle to communicate using our language. Are you sure it was her?” Clarence asked, curious. The boy nodded. “That is worrying. What did she say was causing it?” “She didn’t. I just want my father home. I miss him,” he whispered. “Yeah, give Tak back. Jerk.” James blurted out. “Your father will be home soon Kitiku.” Clarence said, calmly. “Promise?” “Of course.” “Okay…” Kitiku whispered. “Can we fly from here?” James interrupted. “I can. I’m not sure if you could, since you haven’t flown from the ground yet.” Clarence answered, as he looked up, “Hey, snow. It rarely appears up here in the North. I suppose the fragments of the fire and ice stones are out of balance with each other again.” The temperature quickly dropped, and the boys started to feel the cold. Deep below the surface, my dear off-islanders, in Kishnar, the ice and fire stones constantly battle for control. In this case, the ice stone had gained control, and swept icy winds northbound, making it snow.
Clarence took off his jumper and handed it over to Kitiku, since James was wearing his jacket. “Let’s get you two home, before the snow gets worse.” “It’s cold…” James shivered. “Do you think it will reach Fehahra?” “It is possible, luckily cold weather in the North only lasts for a few days before it shoots back up to the ridiculously hot temperatures that it usually is.” Clarence said, as the boys struggled to keep up with his jog. “Aren’t you cold, Mister Southern jerk?” James asked. “Not yet. You have to remember, in the South it gets very cold, so this temperature is about normal.” Clarence stopped to let the two catch up. “Today is the 23rd of June.” He said, as his watch ticked over midnight. “Tired?” He asked, as James rubbed one of his eyes and yawned. “No…” James hissed. “Busy day tomorrow, you should both sleep well.” Clarence said, as he looked up at the stars.
Lioa was curled up on his bed. His sight had started to return but was still very blurry. He was terrified, and shivering due to the rapid decrease in temperature. Andrew was cold too, in the bed next to him. He had covered all but his nose up under his blanket. Vesit and Laylai watched as the two boys struggled with the cold. Vesit sat down next to Lioa, and Laylai lifted Andrew up into a sitting position before holding him in her arms. “Cold?” Vesit asked, as he carefully sat Lioa up. “Yes, sir,” Andrew mumbled. Their small room felt a little warmer due to all four of them being within close proximity to each other. “Would you boys like us to get you another blanket or two?” Vesit asked, as Lioa took his hand, “Yes, sir,” Andrew whispered, as he watched Lioa start to get irritated. “I want to see things properly…” the boy spat, “It is so scary not being able to see, I don’t like it.” Lioa started to panic as he struggled to make out who was who. “Lioa, it will be okay. Would you like me and your mother to stay with you both?” Vesit whispered, as he nudged the boy. “I want my mother and father keep me safe until I can see again,” Lioa whispered back. “If you shuffle over to your left a little, I can stay with you until you fall asleep,” Lioa did as Vesit asked, the soldier to his mother lay on top of the blanket beside him. His mother copied Vesit, but next to Andrew. The two boys shivered but felt a little comfort in knowing that their mother was there. Vesit wrapped one arm around Lioa, and let him rest his head on his shoulder. He looked over to see his fiancée’s stomach was being used as a pillow by Andrew, who had curled up as small as he could. He watched as both of the boys started to close their eyes and drift off, before talking to Laylai again. “They are so sweet when they are cold, they want all the fuss in the world,” he whispered. “It is a shame the weather turned like that…” Laylai answered, just as quietly. “We could have spent the evening and early morning planning our future together.” “Maybe. I’m happy enough that these two terrors are asleep. Lioa must be cold without a shirt on though. He isn’t helping himself, neither is Andrew.” “It is usually too hot for them both to wear one at night under the blanket,” Laylai quickly answered. “I suppose. To be honest, both boys screwed up today. All a part of growing up though.” He sighed. “I wouldn’t want to throw either of your boys out. Not even Lioa on a bad day. He is certainly angry and easy to frustrate, but inside he is scared of feeling the pain of losing someone again, I think. If we were to ever have a child of our own, I don’t know how he would react. He may be completely okay with it, on the other hand, he may become incredibly aggressive. Lioa is unpredictable.” “He really misses his father. We were going to divorce anyway, we just hadn’t gotten the chance to tell the boys.” She sighed, “We hadn’t loved each other for a few years, and were just sticking together for the sake of it.” “Rest assured, I love these boys already, and I haven’t known them very long. I love you more though. If they ruin our lives together…” he stopped, and looked at how peaceful Lioa was. “I just wish our child, when we have one, will be successful, and happy. I think we are a while off of that happening though. What date is the marriage?” he whispered even quieter, to ensure that the boys, who were sleeping, didn’t wake to hear something they probably wouldn’t want to hear. “If we still love each other, which I can’t see us not, end of July next year.” “That’s plenty of time for the boys to get used to me being around. Hopefully, by then, they will see me as a father figure.” They both looked at each other as the boys dreamt on.
The path way under Shmitty town were dark and dingy as Spinarak webs hung down. White and threaded they held bones and torn clothes amongst their abandoned dust. The nests of the Spinarak and Ariados were long deserted though. Holding his flaming torch ahead Lord Captain Kapora Smith waded through the dimly lit corridors, with his black Raticate in front as a shield. He looked back at the traps he had already sprung, an axe wielded by the mechanism now was wedged into his Sceptile’s neck as blood dripped down onto the floor beside his dead friend. He had heard rumours of such tunnels existing in myths, but never in reality. The frozen night sky above made him need to venture further into the underground network, however, he feared what other monstrosities he would find. News had travelled fast from the old town about a Captain and his defiance against the Master Guard Captain Felix Mainstenhill, making his stomach churn a little in annoyance. The thought of a puny Southern man standing tall amongst the greatest of men, like himself, made his blood boil like the stomach of a Houndour. A shimmer came from the tunnel up ahead; he squinted and with his right hand he drew his sword ready to pounce upon whomever was coming from the opposite direction. “Well, what an interesting scenario,” the man laughed a little as the Haxorus growled loudly at the Raticate. “The Northern Captain of the Guard underground hiding amongst the dust. You and I have a common purpose,” the man said. Lord Captain Kapora glared back at the man draped in a Southern Guard’s uniform. “I think not,” he replied instinctively in Colrat. ‘Wait, he spoke to me in Colrat, he knows who I am… but how?’ “The stone has shown me… so much. The prophecy connects me to the greatest victory of all, for the good, not the bad. Yet to claim such a victory I came here to see you. I knew you would investigate these tunnels on this particular day.” The man stopped walking, looking up at the Northern Lord Captain. “We both despise Piscar, and we both want power for ourselves; here is what I propose, we wo-” “I won’t listen to your lies!” Lord Captain Kapora shouted back at him, swinging his sword. However, as his swing came crashing down, he felt himself being tugged at by a cold chilling spirit. His sword fell from his wristas if he had no hope left in his muscles to grip onto the hilt. “Then Spiritomb will devour you and no one will ever find you…”
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Post by admin on Jan 30, 2020 2:16:22 GMT
Hallo! Here to review chapters eight and nine because they are over fifty pages long together, and sadly, Book Club means I can't power through the entire few chapters I have left. Maybe next round though, haha.
Anyway!
Yaaaaassss, queen. Preach.
Honestly, Kitiku is probably the best part of these chapters, mostly because it’s clear how much he’s grown in a short amount of time. He’s gone from a whiny kid who could barely speak to adults, let alone stand up for himself (literally or figuratively) to someone who will legit put James in his place. And that whole “I will hold you to that promise”? Aaaaactually sounds threatening.
Realtalk, though, Kitiku is once again probably my favorite character, and it’s because there’s very clearly a character arc for him. He’s definitely growing and changing, even though I had a lot of doubts about his physical limitations last chapter batch. In a lot of ways, he’s almost like a protagonist who’s just hanging out in the background because of this.
Which … kinda leads me to the crit. Putting it this way, we’re eight and nine chapters into the story, and all of these chapters are long. Yet … when you get right down to it, what is this story about? Like, if you had to summarize, what is the heart and soul of this fic, in just a paragraph?
Actually, lemme pull the Card Catalog summary out here for a sec:
So. Keeping this in mind, let’s turn it into a checklist. We’ve gotten past the bit about Marsten Hall, so that’s good. We’re at the part where he’s trapped on Coltar; that’s also fine. Buuuuuut … then it kinda breaks down a little. Sure, coming to terms with stuff is definitely a genre (coming-of-age), but it kinda feels like these past chapters haven’t really built up to that thus far. Granted, we’ll get a bit into James’s development in a second, but usually, if you have a coming-of-age fic, you’re diving deep into a character’s mind and mapping out their growth from the beginning. The fic so far mostly seems disconnected in that regard: like, a lot of time and effort went into worldbuilding and emphasizing that this is a crapsack world, but the plot and characterization could use more solidifying.
On that note, the “soon find themselves part of something they didn’t plan to be” bit is absolutely a viable plot, but the problem is there hasn’t really been that much in the way of brickwork for that either. Usually, if a character is getting dragged into some kind of deep, conspiracy-like weirdness, you know pretty early on because they start getting into conflicts that seem deeper than just one-off instances of shenanigans. There might be foreshadowing or at least some hint that something is about to go down. Here, the conflicts tend to be episodic, in the sense that James and the boys get into the sorts of trouble that don’t really seem to feed into the plot and, in fact, don’t really come back with further consequences. Any consequences that are felt from what goes down tends to only be felt immediately in the chapter, rather than over the long term. (Take Kitiku’s injuries, for example. They’re not really brought up all that much in these couple of chapters.)
Which leads me to James and characterization. Now, I will give you this—he’s finally seeming like he’s growing, as evidenced in the Sutton scene with lines like these:
And, in general, the way he talks to Sutton. Absolutely, James is lying through his teeth and also kinda being a thieving dick, but he’s not doing it just to be a dick or to show off or because he’s right or just because he hates everything right then. Rather, he’s doing it for a halfway decent reason. Also, he’s doing a shitty job of stealing, but it’s not in a way that immediately pisses Sutton off, which is … progress.
There are also these:
We’ve seen James vulnerable, but we haven’t really seen him honest or desperate. Here, he actually seems like he’s growing up; these are all valid reasons to panic, and it’s great to see him examine himself with a critical eye. Maybe he really did need the verbal backhanding from Kitiku to really look at himself.
Downside is that James thinks “protecting Kitiku and making sure no one hurts him” means “standing by while bullies literally shove the disabled kid over and then telling him that he should stand up more,” but … at least he’s not judgmental this time?
Anyway. The point is, this is the character growth you should really have more often to get that effective “coming to terms” part going. What I’ve noticed before this point—and it’s the main reason why I was so iffy about the plot—is that otherwise, as I’ve said, James’s conflicts and character arc has been rather cyclical in nature. He would go off because he’s cocky. Adults around him would get pissed off at his shenanigans. He’ll try to run away and/or battle someone with disastrous results. He gets scolded but snaps at the people trying to teach him. He learns absolutely nothing because he starts this entire process all over again in the next chapter. I think this final chapter I’ve tackled is the first time we’ve really seen the pattern change, but I’m not sure if it’s a one-off thing or if that’s going to be how it’s going to go from here on out. I really want to give the fic the benefit of the doubt and say that you’ve realized the cyclical nature of James’s character yourself and are trying to push him forward at long last, but if that’s not the case … that’s definitely something to look into. You don’t want a stagnant character or a story full of small conflicts whose consequences don’t linger from chapter to chapter. A story should really be a string of consequences that pile up into the conflict that a character has to eventually resolve.
Or tl;dr, I’m hoping that the changes we’re seeing with James right now will stick.
Final note:
I am really liking the presence of Lord Piscar here too. Like … it actually feels like we have a tangible antagonist/villain here (who isn’t named James and Lioa—and yes, I just implied that James is an antagonist to himself; prove me wrong). This is something that James can fight, and it’s a goal he can work towards overcoming for the sake of change (which is to say, here is the plot). Whether or not he pursues any noticeable path that will bring him back to Lord Piscar anytime soon is another matter, but … baby steps.
Also, Clarence is excellent.
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Deleted
Deleted Member
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Post by Deleted on Feb 16, 2020 4:29:45 GMT
Guten tag! I'm here for book club duties to do chapters ten through twelve.
I will start with the positives! I think that the genuine care you have put into the world-building and building the personalities of your characters shows here; like, reading the interactions between -- for example -- Lioa and Andrew with their mother and Vesit, you can understand that these characters hate the South, you can understand why, and you can sympathise with them. They're young kids who lost their dad for reasons they don't entirely understand and they were attached to their dad; they really loved him -- so to see their mother with this new guy, like it's nothing, and they're just expected to go along with it? That's not easy for any child to go through. Similarly, James is a wee shitlord and Kitiku is terrified of his own shadow; I understand why the characters of the fic act the way they do towards them, and why, saaay, Bourbabel is so eager to help out with Kitiku. I think there's genuine charm in how these characters act towards the rest of the world.
With that being said, quality-wise there were quite a few things that stood out to me as glaring issues, and the main reason why I couldn't make it past chapter twelve was because it just got way too taxing for me to read. My main issue was with how chapters eleven and twelve played out from a plot perspective -- the structuring of that seemed way off, and really, really took me out of it. Chapter eleven started with James and Lioa trying to break Bourbabel out of jail, getting caught, and that part of the chapter sets up them being in jail and dealing in depth with the consequences of their actions plus the brutality of the prison they're in... and then it immediately cuts away from that without much transition at all, into Kitiku's throwing practice, which then seems a bit forced into the relevance of the plot, because the premise that this bloodthirsty interrogator and Very Important Guard Felix is so easily convinced into letting James go free for a throwing competition seems... entirely ridiculous to me, honestly? I don't know if something's gone over my head there, but like, it just seemed entirely contrived and it really killed the momentum of the story for me.
There's also the way a few actual scenes are written, too. The most egregious example is the interrogation scene between Felix and James: So like -- the dialogue in this came off as very stilted to me? The way contractions are used and the use of syntax reads as a bit stilted -- and there's some establishing of stuff that's already obvious in the text, e.g. the "speaking is an offence" line, that takes me out of the dialogue because it feels unnatural, both characters are clearly keenly aware of it beforehand. The part where Felix threatens to take James' Onix as well as his freedom could also work, except that James whimpers (and "became stressed," which is once again, already very explicitly made clear outside of dialogue -- actually, no, he reads as stressed this entire time?) about it and Felix just seems to immediately back down, and it reads as though it's supposed to be a masterful interrogating technique but it actually... just seems a bit anti-climactic? And then there's the repetition of James saying he didn't do it, a genuinely good line from Felix as he reveals his info, and then Captain Bourbabel barges in and says that he didn't do it. It reads like it's supposed to be a tense scene, but it just... doesn't come off that way at all, unfortunately. D: This excerpt also represents some major problems I had with the way this fic was written: there's really not much sentence structure (a lot of [character noun/pronoun] [verb]ed to begin each sentence), and there's also a tendency for sentences to lose their way midway through? "The lack of food..." sentence just seems to run out of steam around the time "the more he thought about it..." comes up; there's also the establishing of info that really isn't hugely necessary to be established (e.g. that he has no problem carrying Kitiku) -- and it just comes off as too unfocused and messy for my tastes, which felt a bit like a common theme throughout.
Overall, there's some good stuff here! With some more quality control and probably more beta reading, it feels like I'd enjoy this a lot more -- there's just not much of a real structure in these chapters, it feels like, and I have a lot of issues with the writing style; as things stood, I honestly couldn't really get that into it, sorry. It feels like there's a lot of work to be done in order to improve this, but I think you can do it!
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Post by bay on Feb 18, 2020 3:58:53 GMT
Okay so I've read Chapters 11 and 12 and I think I'll have to agree with Jeff's last review there concerning the plot. I find it hard to believe we went from the kids going to jail and then able to be free thanks to a throwing contest. I feel another chapter or a few scenes in between showcasing the stuff Jeff mentioned might benefit that part of the story more. I kinda get this fic is already as dark as is, and you already had someone being hurt with Lioa getting temporary blind, but yeah the transition between was weird.
Also while I'm not hard on writing style compare to some folks here, I did notice some awkward sentencing and such that Jeff pointed out. To be honest I think the best way to improve your prose is reading published novels to get a feel of more careful quality writing.
There are a few things I liked between the two chapters. Kitiku communicating with the Bronzor and Clareance teaching him how to throw a ball was cute. I also liked Clarence's joke on General Greiss, it was amusing.
I think I'll also read Ch 13 now, so I'll be back with my thoughts on that chapter too in a bit.
Edit: Okay so I got to reading Ch 13 now too. This one is more peaceful than the last few ones. Laylai and Vesit's conversation makes me think if Laylai and the boy's father went through with the divorce if it'll be a quiet or messy one. And yeah not hard to imagine a lot of loveless marriages the couple still stick together for different reasons.
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Dtmahanen
Witnessing (and participating in) shenanigans
Posts: 123
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Post by Dtmahanen on Feb 27, 2020 20:57:44 GMT
Heyya, Charlie, I'm here for the Book Club review, specifically this time for Chapter 2!
To start things off, I need to talk about James, because man...he hurts me. I wish - I freaking WISH - I could like him. He's a guy who doesn't like the system he's a part of, and will do whatever he possibly can to stick it to 'em. But he is, and I mean this in the nicest possible way, EXTRAORDINARILY frustrating. One minute he's all hostile towards the guards who are taking him in, the next he's asking them to carry him as if they're his friends. It's a bit of a strange balance, and one that I'm not totally convinced he should have gotten away with as much as he did. With all of the snark and outright anger that he gives to the guards, as well as the severity of the punishments that seem to be the norm in this society, I'm not entirely sure I buy this conversation between James and Sutton as much as I should.
However, you know who interests me quite a bit right now, more than any of the protagonists? Lord Piscar. It's very clear to me that he's highly perceptive. He's got a read on people better than most everyone else in this entire story, and he takes no BS from anyone. It makes sense, he's the Lord, after all, but then there's the fact that, for all of his cold, calculated nature, there's an air of ... I'm not entirely sure I can call it kindness, but it's something. I'm gonna keep an eye on this guy.
Other than that, I can only really agree with what girl-like-substance said about your delivery of info - it's definitely getting better. It also helped that this chapter was a bit shorter, so it was easier to get through. In the same vein, the part breaks also made a little more sense this time around, so that was nice.
To sum up, I'm still definitely interested, but I just have some problems with James that I've mentioned. It's not enough to stop me from enjoying what I'm reading, but it's there. I look forward to reading more!
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Post by Cavespider_17 on Mar 2, 2020 20:12:09 GMT
ᚡᚴ
"I never want to work in the dark,
I want to be free like the Fearow."
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- Incaresta Sutton, Mesk, 1971 Part 1
Date: 24th June 1989
James, Kitiku, Lioa and Andrew had arrived at the school building early, in order to investigate it and to avoid being late due to the snow. The building was made of clean-cut grey-white stone bricks, and the door was an arch.
James tugged his sash so it was hidden under his bag strap. His white shirt was cleaner than the snow that had settled on the ground overnight, and his trousers had been pressed by Mrs Bryson, who had insisted the boys make a good impression. Lioa’s eyes hurt, he could see everything once more, but after a while they stung due to the strain of the incident the day before. His hair puffed up, and his shirt hung out. He had even done the sash up in a super short manner as an attempt to irritate whoever was teaching them. Kitiku had explained how he was expecting the teachers to be members of the Southern Guard, until more suitable teachers could be found. He was nervous, as they wandered through the quiet corridors and saw Sutton leaning against the wall, clearly unhappy about being roped in to direct them to whichever room they would be in. Incaresta would have much rather been patrolling the streets, or even on cell duty, as he could have had somewhat more sleep.
“Birthdays?” Sutton asked.
“Hey Mister Sutton,” James chirped up. “What are you doing?”
“Assigning people to rooms. Birthdays?”
“Why?” James asked.
“Captain Bourbabel told me to. Now, birthdays?” the man said, irritated.
“15th February, 1975…” James whispered.
“23rd April, 1975,” Lioa shouted, “Doesn’t mean I’m not better than you though James, just because you are older!”
“Yeah, James,” Andrew chipped in.
“Lioa, tidy yourself up immediately. Andrew… birthday?” Sutton pressed, he was clearly not having fun and the boys starting to kick off was the last thing he wanted to be dealing with.
“27th May, 1977, sir...” Andrew said, quietly.
“27th August… 1975,” Kitiku whispered, like James had.
“Come with me.” Sutton walked down the hallway on the left, and all of the boys followed. The first room on the left they walked past was dedicated to those born between 1st January and 31st December 1982, so consisted of six and seven year olds, who were all buzzing with excitement. He continued until he reached the room marked for those born in 1977. “Andrew, this is your stop.”
“No, I want to stay with Lioa,” Andrew scowled, and slumped against the nice shiny wooden panels. They smelt of freshly cut wood, and the floor shone his reflection.
“Now, Andrew! I am not playing games, go in the room,” Sutton scowled back. His demeanour seemed off.
“Y-yes, sir.” Andrew was taken back for a moment, and hung his head in shame as he entered the room, and was directed to a desk by the Lord inside.
“Let’s go,” Sutton said. James stopped walking and looked back towards the entrance hall. “I said, let’s go James.”
“Why?” James snapped.
“I said so. Now hurry up.” James crossed his arms at Sutton’s explanation. The Sergeant rolled up his sleeves before grabbing James by the scruff of his neck and dragging him round the corner down the second corridor.
“Hey, let go! What’s wrong? You aren’t like this usually…” James asked, desperate to be let go.
“Classified,” Sutton stated, coldly, as he let James go. “I am under enough stress as it is, please co-operate.” He knocked on the door, and a tall, broad Lord answered. He seemed familiar to James, but he couldn’t quite place him for some reason. “My Lord,” Sutton bowed before him, as did Kitiku (as best he could). James scowled at the man in the dark midnight blue Jacket.
“Recalcitrant children will be punished. Get inside,” the Lord said, coldly. “What does that word mean?” James asked, curiously, but was slapped round the back of the head.
“I didn’t say you could speak, boy. Get inside and sit down where I tell you to. You three are obviously friends…” The man’s red hair was short and combed back under his hat, and he emitted a strange and obscured aura. He showed the boys in, before slamming the door in Sutton’s face. “You are not sitting near each other.”
“Actually… Kitiku has to sit next to one of us,” James snapped, as he quickly had to think of a lie before he was going to get slapped and his nervous friend would be forced to sit next to people he didn’t want to talk to, or even be near. “His medication intake needs monitoring, so if something goes wrong one of us knows what to do…” The man smiled for a moment before grabbing James aggressively and shunting him into the wall with his hand. James was pinned with no way out.
“I can tell when you are lying, boy. I have interrogated prisoners who are at breaking point, whose lies are more believable, as they beg to be let go. I can’t believe Lord Piscar is wasting his time, and mine. While Lord Jackson parades around the castle training the new generation of Guards, I am stuck here, training the new generation of Raticate,” the man barked, “Give me one good reason why I shouldn’t use my cane? Just one.” The man raised his finger to James, who was angrily huffing.
Then he remembered what Clarence had said about mistakes.
“It was a mistake my Lord, it won’t happen again my Lord,” James put on his most grovel-filled voice.
“Good. Now sit at the back on the right column, where I don’t have to look at you.” He released James from the wall, and the boy quickly scarpered to the back, and sat down, quietly. “You, sit at the front where I can see you, middle desk boy.” Lioa crossed his arms and refused, only to receive a whack on the hand by the man’s cane. “I said, I wouldn’t accept recalcitrant children. Sit down! As for you defective, sit two rows in front of him,” He pointed at James. “To remind him of how foolish he was.” The man then snapped his boots and turned around to write on the board, intermittently turning around to direct the other fifteen students to their seats.
Sutton sat down in the small teacher’s room as the clock ticked to 8:31. He was feeling a lot of emotions, and he was feeling bad about how he had treated all the children who had asked him questions as they came in. He stroked his Electabuzz’s head, as he thought about the letter he had received from his wife late last night. The letter had informed him that she was pregnant, which had filled his heart with joy.
However, it didn’t take him long to feel miserable from missing his family, and the possibility of missing the birth of his third child. He was irritated that his request for leave had been denied by Captain Bourbabel on the grounds that of ‘no reason inputted on the form’, but he was more irritated at himself for forgetting to input such an important piece of information. He pondered upon how he would tell the Captain about his mistake, and how he was suffering with anxiety without being labelled a coward. He turned to his dear friend, and started to relax.
Part 2
The Lord had written his name on the board in simple capitals, although, it didn’t do much good, since most of those in the room had no idea what it said. He tapped his cane against his right hand, impatiently, as he waited for the final few students to sit down. James slumped against his desk. The desk was wooden, and was slanted. A slot at the top was dedicated to ink pots, and the slot at the side was for the quills. The man’s voice was a drone to him, but he listened as Tak would have wanted him to. “I believe I am wasting my time here, but Lord Piscar believes this ridiculous trial should go ahead. I will look forward to condemning it in my report. You are here to learn, that is it, no friends during lessons, no talking. My name is Lord Clavouro, and I am chief interrogator within the Southern Guard, and am only outranked by Lord Piscar, and Lord Jackson. Why am I here? That is none of your concern, ask me that and I will feed you to my Houndoom,” the Lord said, with a cold tone. Some of the students started to sit up straighter and looked nervous. “I assume none of you morons can read, or write or even count. Captain Bourbabel stated that the first thing you shall learn is your own language…” the man almost spat, “Take out the black books from your desk, then put your ink in the hole, and then your pick up your quills.” One girl raised her hand to ask a question, which made the man instantly respond with “For the sake of Giratina’s love, don’t make me go through colours…” She quickly put down her raised hand, and copied everyone else who had placed the book on the desk. “The Colrat alphabet consists of thirty seven letters. The Elkrat alphabet consists of less, which is why our language is, straight away, much better than yours,” he snarled, as he wrote them on the board. “Copy them down in the correct order please. If you make a mistake in your books or smudge your handwriting you will be hauled up and receive…” “Yeah, yeah we get it,” Lioa snapped. “Don’t get your Tauros tail in a twist, arrogant Southern bastard.” “First volunteer, get up.” Lioa shook his head at the Lord’s order, which angered the Lord greatly. The man walked around to Lioa’s desk and dragged him to the front and made him kneel. “You shall recite, from memory. If you get it wrong I will make the month I am here miserable for you. Well… recite!” Lioa took a deep breath. “No?” Lioa looked around for help, and saw Kitiku carefully mouthing the first few letters to him. “Well, in that case…” “Wait, I know them, please… it goes… a, á, b, c, d, e, é, f, ff, g…” Lioa paused, hoping he had done enough of it to be sent back to his desk. “I didn’t say stop, unless you don’t know the rest…” Lord Clavouro, rested his cane under Lioa’s chin. “G, h, i, j, k, l, ll, m, n, ñ, o, p, qu, qw, s.” He gulped as he realised he had made a mistake. “I mean: r, s, t, u, v, w, ix, yu, zhe, and z.” He was relieved he had got to the end. “You are missing four letters, boy,” Lord Clavouro scolded. “I… I am?” “Do you know why you are missing four letters?” “N-no, sir? I mean, my Lord…” Lioa stuttered, his brain frozen, in shock. “It is because you are an idiot.” Lord Clavouro whacked Lioa on the top of the head with his own blank book. “You will stay here, in front of everyone until I forgive you, and then on top of your assignment, you will write up everything that was taught today. Is that clear? You will be working today off of memory. I will ask you numerous questions throughout the day, get one more thing wrong, boy… is that perfectly clear?” Lioa nodded, frantically. “Good, if you are a good boy, I will remove this note I have just written down to be added to your file.” Lioa gulped once more. “You were missing the following letters: ss, ph, yenba, and ö. All of you will speak the alphabet, and then you will repeat it boy.” Lioa listened carefully to the class stand up and speak the alphabet in complete sync. He carefully remembered every letter, as it was clear the others were trying to say it in a rhythmic pattern to help him. Lioa took a deep breath once more, before repeating the alphabet, exactly. “Good. We are finally getting somewhere, and we have only been here half an hour…” The Lord was annoyed at how slow they were at picking information up, mainly due to the fact that those who got behind at the Southern Elite castle, students or trainee Guards, would be punished severely until they caught up, were thrown out, or forced into servitude to make up for the time that they had wasted. Therefore, most trainee Guards and students were quick to pick up things they had learned and would happily spend most of their free time studying. “Now, here is the alphabet in the lower case. You use this case when writing most letters in a word. Do you know what a word is?” the man said, in the most demeaning way he could. “Good, so I am not dealing with complete and utter savages.” he then grumbled in Elkrat under his breath, “I can’t wait to get out of this dump.” “Lord Clavouro?” James asked, making the man grunt and turn around, seeing the boy slumped against his chair, “what is a ‘yenba’?” the Lord sharply hit the symbol on the board, “I mean, what does it do?” “Sit up straight. Good question, the kind of question I am willing to answer. A yenba is a letter used to indicate a silent letter. It must be written, or the word doesn’t make sense,” Lord Clavouro explained, calmer than earlier. ‘That boy, I remember him from the day of this crappy town’s surrender. His defiance was there at the door, but now it is well hidden, beneath the false face of curiosity,’ he thought. “Thank you, Lord Clavouro for explaining it,” James nodded as he pretended to understand what the man had said. “Now, let’s move on to basic words. The Northern language is bizarre. It has too many genders: he and she are used for living things. He, she and it are used for immobile things, and finally, he, she and it are used for Pokémon. Although, once you name a Pokémon it takes the gender of the name you have given it, if it is un-gendered.” James’s attention started to wander. The time was only 09:10, and he was bored out of his mind. He started to think about how Okta could eat this man and then everyone would be free from his classes. “Boy!” James’s attention snapped up, but it quickly became clear that the Lord was talking to Lioa. “Spell the word: mother,” “’Ukara, U-k-a-r-a’,” Lioa said, clearly but nervously. “Good boy, now spell the word: father. Something I doubt many of you have,” Lord Clavouro snarled. “’Ukaro, U-k-a-r-o’,” Lioa answered, he was starting to feel more confident. “Spell uncle.” Lord Clavouro demanded. ‘Don’t do it Lioa, ask which one he wants,’ Kitiku thought to himself as Lioa pondered to himself for a moment. “No?” The Lord poked Lioa with his cane. “W-which one? There are two,” Lioa asked. “Father’s side.” Lord Clavouro placed a hand on the boy’s head, as he started to spell out the word. “’Ukaro-ko’, U-k-a-r-o, yenba, k-o,’” Lioa said, proud of himself. “Good idiot. Last one goes to you,” Lord Clavouro pointed to a girl in the middle of the room, “Spell the word for grandfather on your mother’s side.” “Ukara-qwo. U-k-a-r-r-o, yenba, qw-o.” Lord Clavouro slammed on her desk in irritation before scolding her, and whacking her around the back of the head with her book. “Boy! Spell grandfather on your mother’s side.” He pointed at Lioa, who was tired of kneeling already, “Ukara-qwo, U-k-a-r-a, yenba, qw-o,” Lioa said, the most confident he could. “Don’t get cocky, boy. Sit back at your desk, and don’t interrupt me again,” the Lord barked, as Lioa scrambled up and sat back down on his desk, snatched up his quill and quickly started to write what had been written down, to avoid having to do it as an assignment. James relaxed, and started to go back into a daydream, his book was completely blank. He daydreamed about the clouds, and how they danced outside. He imagined flying through them on Barook’s back, as he had done the night before. He wanted to soar higher than any known creature and to touch the stars, and sing a lullaby to the moon. He wanted to reach up and become one with the magical world above the clouds. Clarence wouldn’t let him go that high, but he didn’t care, Barook would take him as high as he wanted to fly. Higher and higher he flew amongst the soft clouds, before diving down towards the depths of a lake. James imagined himself skimming along the water on the back of the bird, and watching the Qwilfish swim underneath the clear blue water. He would casually reach down and take the plumpest one he could see, as that would be his evening meal, before flying back home to have it cooked. The meat would be tender and white, as the thin pieces were cut onto a plate, and piled up neatly. James would reach other hand eat the never ending pile of Qwilfish fillets, before going outside and running around. He would suddenly end up in a battle, in which he would send out Okta, the mightiest Pokémon of them all. She would crush all that stood in his wake. James heard a bell being rung, which interrupted his thought process. “Assignments, which will be done by tomorrow and put on my desk when you come in. You will revise basic spellings of the one hundred and fifty words today, and you will write your names in your books, and my name, and the name of the town we are unfortunate to be in, as well as a short paragraph on why learning is important. You will be tested on all one hundred and fifty of the words, if you get less than one hundred and forty right you will stand up in front of everyone while I punish you. Is that clear?” The Lord scowled at them all. “The time is 10:30. You have thirty minutes of break. Then you will come back here, and sit down in silence. Your next topic will be Pokémon care, which… thankfully, I don’t have to teach you…” The students all got up and left without a word.
Part 3
James saw the masses of students in front of him, heading towards the back end of the building. He uncomfortably followed the crowd along the corridors to some double doors. The walls were all blank, waiting to be painted with highly praised work. As he reached the doors he saw where everyone had been ushered to. James felt as if he was imprisoned with no way out. He looked at Okta, who was still recovering from her battle scars, he puffed a sigh. “Hey James that was super embarrassing. Why didn’t you stand up for me?” Lioa said “I didn’t fancy joining you,” James smirked. “That Lord… I can’t remember where I have seen him before, but all I have to say is, school sucks. This isn’t fun, this is prison. I’m leaving! You can either come with me, or become a mindless drone.” James went to make a sharp turn but bumped into Sutton. “Watch it, Southern jerk. I take back what I said. You are just a jerk and I hate you.” “James…” Sutton watched as the boy stormed off, “What is his issue?” “I don’t know, maybe you made us go to a stupid room with some bully Guard teaching us,” Lioa hissed. “I’ll go talk with him.” Sutton turned and ran after James. ‘That boy, what are we to do with him?’ James was arguing with some Lords who wouldn’t let him back inside the building. His hand was placed on Okta, ready to fight. “James, come here, now, let’s go for a walk.” Sutton grabbed James by the scruff of his neck and started to walk off with him. Once he had gotten towards the corner of the grounds he let go of James, “James that was irresponsible. Okta is already hurt, and you want to battle with her again? Did nothing that Captain Bourbabel said to you sink in or what?” “Coming from you…” “James, what is with you?” Sutton scowled at him, “You, earlier. Why did you make us sit through that?” James asked, in a huff. “Following orders.” “What is so classified about your moodiness anyway?” James snapped, and Sutton sighed. “I shouldn’t have snapped at you, yes, but you are a handful…” The man looked up at the snowy sky. “Aren’t you cold without a coat?” James nodded. “Break will be over soon anyway, I suppose, then you can go back inside. The Lords have started to heat up the building for you all.” “Why were you mad earlier?” James pressed. “I made a mistake. I got my leave forms wrong and… I might miss the birth of my son or daughter. I shouldn’t have taken it out on you or Lioa, but…” “Wait… you got my name right? Also don’t you have a son and daughter already?” James queried. “Yes, but I am going to have another one.” “Why?” “Come on, why don’t you go and play some sports with the others?” “Don’t like sports except scoof. Can’t play scoof because I don’t have skates, or a bat, or three Voltorbs, or keeper equipment or anything like that. I really want to see Quigk Mothims play against the Kithuk Zebstrikas. That would be the clash of the season.” James mimicked someone whacking a Voltorb at another player with an invisible bat. Sutton smiled at the boy who seemed to have drastically calmed down. “Maybe you will be able to play at some point. I am sure Captain Bourbabel could get the equipment if you asked him nicely, or wrote him a polite letter…” Sutton raised an eyebrow, before checking his watch. “You still have twenty minutes. Go and play with Lioa and Kitiku, be good and have fun.” “Sure…” James said quietly. He looked around to see Lioa and Kitiku behind him. “Go on…” Sutton nudged him towards his friends, before sticking his tongue out at him. “Hey, Mister Sutton, I guess you are alright…” James turned back, before joining his friends. Clarence sat at his desk in the office, going through paper work with the help of Hishrak, who was sorting them as he signed or declined each piece. He milled through suggestions, arrest warrants, and death warrants. Something he definitely didn’t like doing, and denied almost every one, with the exceptions going to those committing treason or murder. Even then he felt somewhat bad about signing. An unopened letter sat on his desk. It was addressed to him by first and last name, and rank. It was written on parchment and had been sealed with wax. “Oh Hishrak, I will have to open it at some point… I might as well do it now,” he said, as he placed his quill on the desk and drew his knife, carefully cutting open the envelope. He then sighed as he opened it up. “ Dear Captain Clarence Bourbabel,
It has come to my notice that you performed outstandingly stupid, which caused your arrest. As stated in your garrison contract, these kinds of incidents are not acceptable under Southern law. As punishment for your actions, your leave has been hereby cancelled until the 21st October. Once this date has past you may re-apply for leave again. However, do not expect to receive any. The Southern Guard is watching you and your actions from now on, with closer intent. Furthermore, it appears that you managed to almost cause a diplomatic incident between our Lord Elite Piscar and Master of Coltar, Gere Phillip Filktas, when you offended his Captain of the Master Guard. If another incident is to occur like this, I shall be forced to regrettably arrest you and sentence you in the Southern court.
In regard to the Rei-Spitz hunt, I am delighted you have nothing to report. However, our Lord Piscar has come to the conclusion that Hanson Rei escaped the Charizard attack. His face is burnt unrecognisably, but he lives on. He shall do whatever it takes to scorn peace in Coltar. If you find him, kill him without question or mercy. If you find a member of the Spitz or Rei family you are to inform Lord Piscar immediately, so they can be destroyed.
I am somewhat surprised that you have put yourself forward, and have started to develop that shanty of a town. Although, I do agree that some basic education is required for these savages, I am disappointed you would plan to extend their education to that of a Southern level. Lord Piscar has graciously given gifts to your plans. Do not disappoint him.
Yours faithfully,
Lord Mylious Jackson
Captain of the Southern Elite Guard.” Clarence sighed, a little relieved that all he had received was a light telling off. James, Lioa, Andrew and Kitiku sat down on a small bench at the back of the grounds. They were squished in together, which made Sutton laugh every time he looked over at them. However, he was also convinced that they would go to the edge of the world together, and come back. ‘They are a real rag-tag bunch. Lioa and James constantly fighting for control over their group. Lioa is the brawn, not a bright boy, but certainly not the one to get into a fight with. Then you have Andrew, he and his brother were close as close could be. Andrew was much smarter, and taller and generally much more perfect. Kitiku is shy still. Although, I do still have a promise to keep about taking him to the route to Finar and practice catching Pokémon. Kitiku is starting to warm up to me now, which makes me feel good. Out of all of them, he doesn’t fit in the most, he hates fighting, and hates causing trouble and yet…’ The bell interrupted Sutton’s thought process. He looked as the students started to filter back inside. “Sit where ever you want.” Clarence sat on the desk as the students came into the room, Hishrak had teleported him into the room, only moments prior, as he agreed this was important. “As long as you take notes, do assignments, and do as you are told, where you sit doesn’t bother me. I am teaching every single class Pokémon care once a week. Why would I do such a thing? I care greatly about all of your futures. Today I have filled in paperwork, helped the market stall builders, and assisted the labourers and those who are filling in the holes in the park. I have held a meeting in the town hall, and I did all of this before coming here,” Clarence said, calmly. “So, as you can see, I care a lot about everyone in this town. My name is Captain Clarence Rehan Bourbabel. I know all of you by name already, however, I doubt you all know each other. So let’s start off by standing up and announcing who we are, and what our lead Pokémon is.” He pointed to the girl sitting at the front on the right column, and she carefully stood up, frightened the man would snap at her. “My name is Laylai Josephine Puanani, and my lead Pokémon is Burmy, sir…” she quivered. “Burmy, I haven’t seen one of them in ages. Which type of Burmy is it?” “Plant, sir,” dhe said, and Clarence nodded. “My name is Archapelo Relo Criborn, and my lead Pokémon is Bulbasaur, sir.” Archapelo said, “Forgive me for not standing sir, but I can’t.” “Very good, and I am sorry, I read what had happened to you.” Clarence started to note down on the board the names and the Pokémon of each student. Eventually he reached Lioa, who was sitting in front of James. “Lioa Hiro Takui, and my lead Pokémon is a Gurdurr. Don’t expect me to call you sir. You are a waste of my time. This entire thing is a waste of time,” Lioa said, slumped at his desk. “Yet, you answer the questions,” Clarence said, his voice soft and calming. “Lioa, please sit at the front, there is a spare seat here.” “You said you didn’t care where we sat,” Lioa said as he got up with his bag. “You didn’t do as you were told. In fact you tried to be rude and argumentative. So please…” Clarence pointed to a desk at the front. “You shall sit here until you learn you can’t treat people like that Lioa,” Clarence scolded, as he sat on the desk still, and pointed to Kitiku. Kitiku froze-up. He couldn’t talk in front of all of these people, James watched as his friend started to panic upon standing up. “Leave him alone,” James stood up and shouted. “He doesn’t want to talk in front of everyone!” “James sit down. Kitiku, take your time…” Clarence said, but the boy remained frozen, as he saw everyone staring at him. Kitiku looked down at his desk, stressed, and gently shook his head. “I’ll speak with you outside in a minute, okay?” The boy slowly sat down, nervously, as he thought he had gotten himself into deep trouble. He then placed his head on his desk, upset. Clarence noted this behaviour, and hoped the boy would calm down soon, as he pointed at James to go next. “James Tak Bryson. Onix, sir,” James said, quickly before sitting back down. He watched as Lioa shook his head at him, annoyed. James placed a hand on his friend’s shoulder, who remained uptight, and upset. Clarence continued to make his way around the room until he had noted all but Kitiku’s name on the board. He had split the seventeen names into six groups of three, and one group of two. “You are now in groups of three. Each group will discuss three Pokémon types, as assigned based on their own Pokémon, in regards to how to look after them. How do you clean them? What do you feed them, generically? How often should you exercise and play with them a day? Is there anything these Pokémon should avoid at all costs?” “Kitiku… which group am I in?” James whispered, and Kitiku raised his head to see the board, before signing the number four to him. “Thank you.” “Take notes with each other about what you think, and afterwards we will go through it.” Clarence smiled as the students got up and started to discuss things with each other. ‘A great way to make them think that I am not teaching them anything. Less defiance that way. Also, this gives them a chance to talk with people they wouldn’t usually, and to get to know people who have similar Pokémon to them. Lastly…’ His mind turned to Kitiku, who had been sobbing. Clarence sighed softly as he crouched down next to Kitiku. “Let’s go out into the corridor and talk. You aren’t in trouble, I am just worried about you.” Clarence left the room, and lent against the wall in the corridor, he waited a couple of minutes for Kitiku to arrive. “Kitiku, I know you hate talking, and I know you don’t like to interact with people you aren’t friends with. However, this is unhealthy…” Clarence said, calmly, as he tried to influence how the boy was reacting. Kitiku continued to sob, assuming he was about to get scolded for being nervous. “There is no need to be so upset. As I said, you aren’t in trouble…” Kitiku rubbed his eyes with his left hand, while holding himself upright with his right crutch. “This really isn’t healthy… would you like to try and introduce yourself again?” The boy frantically shook his head before slumping against him, making Clarence sigh once more. “Do you want to sign your name and Pokémon?” The boy didn’t move. “Let me rephrase how I asked that… would you sign your name and Pokémon? It would make me very happy if you would.” Kitiku looked up, and nodded as he wiped his tears from his eyes. “Good boy, let’s go and do that then.” Clarence opened the door once more; to the officer’s surprise all of the students, including Lioa and James, were happily working on their tasks. “Okay!” he called out, and everyone in the room turned around. “Go ahead Kitiku.” Kitiku looked down, as he signed ‘My name is Kitiku Tak Bryson, and my Pokémon is a Klink.’ “There, I shall translate: my name is Kitiku Tak Bryson, and my Pokémon is a Klink.” Clarence felt much happier now that Kitiku had almost interacted with the others. “Kitiku, go and join group four please.” The boy nodded and crutched over to the group in the corner. “Is everyone getting on okay?” “Yes, sir!” A loud chorus rang out. “Okay, five minutes, and then we hear from each group what they have found out through discussion.” Clarence watched, as they continued to stand and talk with each other. He watched as the clock started to tick closer to the hour. ‘Only forty minutes until midday, considering these kids have five hours left of school, they seem to be coping very well, although school had started at 08:30 today rather than 08:00 due to the extreme conditions. The tiredness will start to hit them soon though. They have been here nearly four hours. I expect a lot of them to take a nap during the two hour lunch break we will give them today. This time will eventually decrease to an hour, but it would be harsh on the first day.’ “Time is up. Group one, what did you find out?” The students suddenly stopped talking and all faced him. “Grass Pokémon shouldn’t be allowed near poison-types, sir,” Archapelo said. “Poison type Pokémon shouldn’t eat foods like milk, because it makes them sick, sir.” The girl standing next to Archapelo said. “Bug and Pokémon can take baths, but the depth needs to be carefully watched, sir,” the girl sitting at the desk behind them said. “Good start. Yes it is true, grass and poison types generically don’t get along, however, can someone give me an example of a grass-poison Pokémon? Yes, Dehro,” “Bulbasaur, Ivysaur and Venusaur, sir,” the albino boy said. “Very good. Another set is Bellsprout, Weepinbell and Victreebel. Group two, your turn” “Fire type Pokémon can’t be given sand baths or water baths, sir,” Ana Jun-Seo chirped up. “Ghost types can fade in and out of reality, and also they don’t eat as much as other types, since their stomachs are… weird,” Alexis Jun-Seo said. “I am not partaking in this.” Lioa stood, and crossed his arms. “Lioa, you can spend your lunch with Lord Clavouro then. Since he is your current head of class, despite his moaning and grumbling…” Clarence’s comment did make a few of the students smirk or laugh. “I am sure he will be happy to see you.” “That’s unfair!” Lioa shouted out. “It’s happening. Sorry Lioa, but you need to learn you can’t just act up,” Clarence scolded. “James, do something,” Lioa scowled. “No. I hate this too but… I promised I would try it… and obey the rules,” James said, with distain. “Fine! Ruskuo break us out of here!” Lioa threw his Gurdurr at Clarence, who simply moved out of the way of the floor where the angry Gurdurr popped up. “Use poison jab!” The Gurdurr swung angrily at Clarence, who walked over to the Poké ball that was now sitting on the floor, and returned the Gurdurr. “That’s cheating. Fight me you coward!” “Lioa that is enough, come with me. This has to stop.” Clarence’s face turned serious. “You could severely hurt someone at the rate you are going. Let’s go and see Lord Clavouro.” “Wait… I am sorry, please don’t do that…” Lioa pleaded. “Sorry Lioa, but no,” Clarence sighed, “The sooner we go, the sooner you can come back.” “Can we go after class instead? Please?” Lioa pleaded more, “Sit down, and finish your group’s presentation, please,” Clarence said, calmly once more. “Fighting types are good on the Earth and stuff, they eat a lot more food that most types of Pokémon because they use it up quicker…” Lioa said, as he hoped Clarence would forget his punishment at the end of class. “That is true too.” “Sir?” James asked. “Yes James?” Clarence almost smiled that fact James had called him sir, rather than ‘jerk’. “What are your Pokémon, sir?” James gritted his teeth every time he said ‘sir’. “You know four of them already: Braviary, Alakazam, Houndoom and Gyarados. The other two, I like to keep close to my chest, that way if someone tries to assassinate me for whatever reason, I still have two surprises guaranteed.” He closed his eyes, as he spoke. “Sir?” “Yes James?” Clarence answered. “What was your first ever Pokémon?” “It was a Machop, James.” “So… one of your Pokémon must be a Machamp?” James deduced. “My first Pokémon died when I was twelve. There was an accident. I felt awful even though I couldn’t have done anything to change the outcome. Since then, Barook, my Braviary has been my oldest Pokémon,” Clarence thought hard as he spoke. “Sir?” “Yes James?” “Can you teach us to fly, sir?” “Not yet, James,” Clarence laughed. “Sir?” James asked again. “Yes James?” “What is your favourite Southern Pokémon that you don’t have, sir?” “Hmm, that is a tricky one. Quite possibly a Mamoswine… before you ask James, a Mamoswine is a 300 Kilogram, four legged beast, with tusks as long as this desk, and thicker than these walls.” He knocked on one of the walls, “It is tall, and may bash its head on the ceiling. Its snout is pink and giant, so it sniffs everything around it. It is also very stupid, so often walks into things, despite having large eyes…” Clarence drew a very bad chalk picture of a Mamoswine on the board, which made James and Kitiku smile, and several others laugh. “I suppose it is a good thing I didn’t take art as a subject, isn’t it?” He smiled back at them. “I have actually used a Mamoswine in battle before… must have been fourteen, fifteen years ago. Just as you were being born…” “Wow, you are old, sir,” One of the students shouted out. “Won’t be long until you are my age, so be careful what you say now,” he laughed. “Sir?” “Yes James?” “Wasn’t that when there was a civil war?” Clarence’s mind shot back to the time of crisis at James’s question.
Part 4 Date: 5th July 1974
Clarence stood at the arch way of the throne room in the Elite Southern castle. Hishrak stood by his side. His uniform was coated in blood stains from the days before. His hat was dusty from the shaking of the building. His hair was tied back in braids, as was required, and his moustache was thinner. He was waiting for the enemy to appear. He had to fight them off and protect Lord Piscar. Several Guards had rushed ahead to attack the opposing troops, but none had returned. He could hear footsteps from the other side of the door. He couldn’t retreat, that would be cowardice. He had to be a hero, he had to fight whoever was coming. A young man, the same age as himself entered the doors. His lip was bloody, and his green hair had become incredibly messed up. His midnight blue uniform and Guard’s cap was destroyed in places. It was clear to Clarence that some of the Guard’s fingers had been broken. “Aaron?” “Clarence. Step aside, and you won’t die,” the young man said. “I… I can’t let you past,” Clarence stuttered, as he thought about the consequences if he surrendered. “You will be treated fairly, you have my word,” “I can’t step aside. I cannot betray…” Clarence spoke calmly, but internally he was stressed. “Then I have no choice but to make you.” “Aaron, please… it doesn’t have to end like this… I want peace. Why do you think I walked away? Or tried to?” “Nayhak, clear the room!” Aaron shouted, as he threw his Poké ball into the air. The Steelix came crashing down and roared at Hishrak, before smashing through the wall, allowing the snow to come inside. “Shake the earth!” “Hishrak, stop him, use psycho screech. You really think a Pokémon like that could do so much damage?” Clarence called back, as the psychic waves shuddered past at a piercing volume. Meanwhile, Nayhak started to thump the ground harder and harder, creating a wall of materials. The psychic sound waves collided with the materials and forced the air to ripple. His opponent stood tall, as his hair blew wild due to the force of the attack. The floor boards started to churn up and Hishrak’s foot caught on the torn up floor, as he desperately tried to hover out of the way. His arrogance at his own power led to him receiving a nasty cut, and a broken foot. “I believe in all Pokémon, as do you!” The young Lord drew his long sword and readied it into a defensive position. Clarence copied quickly but with his short-knife. The battle halted and silence fell for a moment. “Psycho screech!” Clarence called out as he charged towards his opponent. “Earthquake!” The beast shook the earth around her Lord, creating massive cracks, with every thumping of her tail. The Lord collided with Clarence, and their blades met. Clarence quickly started to slide his short-knife along the edge of the sword in an attempt to slice his opponent’s hand. Aaron narrowly avoided being pierced by the blade; Clarence carefully stepped around in a circular movement to avoid the quaking earth caused by the Steelix. “I said, use psycho-screech!” Clarence shouted as he lent in to try and force Aaron to yield, his anger and frustration focused in on his stone. Hishrak’s psycho-screech was much more powerful this time, as Clarence’s psychic stone, which hung around his neck, started to vibrate and empower his Pokémon. Clarence’s skin started to crack from his wrists along his veins, and he started to bleed a little. The Steelix’s eardrums burst, as the psychic wave length settled inside her head. She swung at Clarence, hitting his chest and breaking most of his ribs, making him lose his balance, and drop his short-knife, before her tail slammed Hishrak into the wall, making the wall display a cracking-well, as Hishrak collapsed and fainted. “Just surrender and you will be treated fairly!” the young man called out, as Clarence quickly returned Hishrak and sent out his Houndoom, Miskiak. “Use fire blast!” “Dodge it!” Aaron readied his shield, but the fire blast struck the Steelix, making her glow a bright orange, before she collapsed. ‘Why didn’t she dodge?’ He quickly spun his sword into attack position before returning her, and waltzing forward, casually tossing his Samurott onto the churned up hall floor. Clarence held his short-knife in his mouth, biting softly on it, as he drew his long sword into a defensive position. “Dark pulse and choke it!” Clarence called out, dropping his short knife onto the floor. He shuffled to the side to pick it up as the Houndoom started to work itself up into a frenzy, and fired an epic wave of dark energy spiralled towards the Samurott. Aaron ran in front of his Samurott letting his shield take the battering, as the dark wave consumed the hall, sucking the life out of the plant life inside, and turning it into a cold dark murky room. Aaron moved so his whole body tucked underneath the shield long enough for Clarence and his Houndoom to charge towards him. “Bite him!” Aaron raised his shield, as he stood up and swung the shield at an angle. It smashed the Houndoom in the face, sending it flying backwards and crashing into the ground, breaking one of its legs. He then raised his sword and met Clarence’s sword in a cross, before kicking Clarence, who had dropped his guard, in the stomach. Clarence hit the ground with an almighty thud, and rolled quickly to avoid the sword slicing into his arm. “Bite him!” Clarence called out again, as the Houndoom started to charge forward to save his master. “Scald!” The Samurott blasted water over Aaron’s head, as Aaron elegantly crouched down and shielded his head. The water poured towards Clarence and his companion. The Houndoom quickly threw up a protective field around his master and himself. Clarence scrambled backwards before seeing his Houndoom being kicked over and being blasted once more by scold. “Miskiak return! Barook!” Clarence bounced the Poké ball hard against the ground, and cracked the seal, as he did the Braviary started to flap quickly, mustering up an air flow and swooped out of his ball and Clarence grabbed on as the Braviary climbed to escape the building. “Oh no, you aren’t leaving.” Aaron drew his short-knife and tossed it at the Braviary, slicing one of its wings, making it come crashing back down. However, Clarence expected an attack of some description. Clarence quickly reacted to Barook’s hitting of the ground. Although wounding him, the crash had torn up some of the boards to reveal some rocks. “Use ice beam!” The Samurott clumsily ran towards Clarence and Barook before blasting ice at him. It became clear that the Samurott had been hurt by the dark pulse attack. Upon closer inspection, its front leg had been infected by a puss like gloop, which was munching away on its energy. “Crush it with rockslide!” Barook forcibly made the wind pick up around him, by battering the air against Clarence’s shield with his one remaining wing, and started to hurl the rocks in quick succession at the Samurott. Aaron ran towards the Samurott as it fainted, and climbed over some of the debris before jumping and landing in front of Clarence, striking him hard with his shield. Clarence reached for his knife and ploughed it into the shield, wedging it. “Barook, use brave bird!” Unknown to him, Aaron had thrown a ball behind him as he jumped. “Irkaknok use the rocks and use stone edge!” The rocks shot up towards Barook, as the Salamence shot a pulse into the ground. Barook quickly flew up and swooped down, slamming into the Salamence hard. Aaron kicked Clarence in the ribs, in an attempt to make him drop the short-knife. Clarence swung his legs to try and force his opponent on to the ground, long enough to grab the long sword which was lying a metre away. “Barook again!” he shouted, as the Braviary struggled to flap its second wing, as when he collided with the beast, he had broken several tips of his stronger wing, “Hit it and break its wing!” Clarence shouted, hoping Barook would crush the Salamence before it could do anymore damage. “Stone edge!” The Salamence quickly struck the ground with a pulse that forced the ground to tear up and dig into Barook’s body, breaking several of his ribs, causing the bird to cry out in pain, and then faint from blood loss. Aaron then swung his shield and bashed Clarence hard with it, forcing him to let go. He scrambled towards the long sword, which he picked up, as he went to return Barook. Aaron drew the knife in his boot and hurled it at Clarence, pinning his uniform to the wall, with him attached. Clarence quickly attempted to pull the knife out. Aaron ran his second knife through Clarence’s leg to stop him from kicking or trying to escape. “Clarence, stop. It is over. You can’t win, not now…” a second voice said, dark, deep and foreboding. “Should I give him an injection now? Or wait until interrogation, sir?” “Now will be fine. He needs to rest and recover. He will be treated fairly post interrogation, the same as all the others. We will interrogate him once his wounds have been seen to.” “Sir!”
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Post by admin on Mar 14, 2020 2:41:12 GMT
Whaddup? Here with a review for chapters ten and eleven! Jfc, this kid does have a heart. (I’d go into more detail, but I think I might’ve mentioned this to you via VC last week. But basically, one of the things that delights me about James’s arc is that it’s largely observable. Granted, we can’t know for certain how much of it is genuine (he is trying to play Sutton at this point in order to get back to the park and find Zanha), but it’s like … that question is so innocent and points to this genuine lack of understanding of consequences. Yet it’s not like the lack of understanding of consequences that he’s previously had (the sort where he doesn’t understand his actions have consequences and he doesn’t really care about that); it’s more like the lack of understanding of consequences wherein he knows he did something bad but doesn’t know what to do after that point. It’s all about character growth, in other words. He’s slowly growing from a reprehensible piece of work to an actual thinking, feeling human being. Or in other words, something other than an edgy fourteen-year-old boy. Honestly, Kitiku is probably the best part of this fic. He’s gentle, he’s easy to root for, and most importantly for this instance, he’s genuine. He’s not protesting to be obnoxious like the other boys are; he’s genuinely concerned for the happiness of this pokémon, and he’s pointing out an actual flaw in his world. To be frank, Kitiku is everything a protagonist should be, I think. Like, he’s the one who’s closest to questioning the status quo and therefore challenging it, and he’s got this complex personality with a potential character arc to boot. (I mean, yeah, I know he’s looking for Zanha as part of a larger plot and is therefore not 100% genuine, but … tbh, his general interest in Zanha—especially how he relates to it and how he tries to figure out what it is—indicates he is this nice, lbr. It’s the whole “I wouldn’t want to go back either” bit. Granted, the bit immediately after that—the whole “playing at war” thing—is a little forced and not something you’d expect from a younger teenager. But other than that, he’s not half bad.) One thing I noticed about this scene is … the lack of Zanha. One of the things Kitiku is arguing is that Zanha should choose, and Sutton’s entire offer hinges on the idea that if Kitiku could get Zanha into the ball, it would be his. Yet despite both of these things, you don’t actually mention what Zanha’s doing in all of this; in fact, I didn’t even realize that Kitiku straight-up didn’t even come close to hitting Zanha with the poké ball because I had no idea where Zanha was in relation to the throw. In a way, it’s also a mini representation of my main issue with the fic, which … I’ll get into later because I’m liveblogging this, and that’s more of a conclusion-ish thought. Normally, I’m not into characters who openly feel sorry for themselves, but I feel like in Kitiku’s case, this marks a very clear starting point for his character growth. Like, there’s hope for Kitiku somehow; that’s clearly marked by the way he reacts to Sutton’s offer to teach him how to throw. But also, it’s like, this is a stated goal for him. He’s basically spelling it out that his major thing to overcome is to figure out how to be useful despite being “defective.” And I think he will, somehow. Hey, related, but you know what the best part of the Masquerade was for me? Having the butler stop Lioa in his destructive tracks by putting him in his place. That was great. Which is why this is probably the best scene Lioa’s ever been in, imo. I mean, let’s be real. Lioa is racist, ableist, and a general prick of a teenager, and he’s been long in need of something to whip his rear. It’s great to see Lioa placed in a spot of humiliation, in other words. It’s cathartic and just … yes. (I should probably not relish in the fact that a child is hurt, but honestly, this child hurt others. He’s only just now apologized for crippling another boy, and that apology was kinda half-hearted and followed immediately with verbal abuse. I just. Have zero sympathy for Lioa. Whatsoever. But at least in this world, he faces actual consequences for his absolute stupidity. Like, you built a racist, my dude. This kid needs to have his face beaten in frequently until he stops being a racist.) Anyway, circling back to what I said earlier about the scene with Kitiku trying to throw a ball at Zanha, I feel like that’s a tiny capsule of what might be the bigger thing about this fic for me. See, it often takes me two or even three read-throughs to understand what’s going on in any given chapter. A little bit might be just that specific goals take multiple chapters to resolve, so sometimes I forget between readings, yeah. But also, I think it’s just that … there’s both a lot going on and not enough to drive the plot forward, which is why I feel like adding more to previous chapters might not resolve things. Like … let me offer up one example. If you’re ever wondering why I’m fixating on that part of the first chapter where James has Okta destroy an entire city block, it’s because on my first read through … I had no idea that happened. The kids were breaking into a building for reasons I still don’t entirely understand, there was a chase scene, James nearly got caught, and … that was all I got the first time around. It’s only when girl-like-substance pointed out the wanton destruction that I went back for a second time and, oh. There’s that detail. And even then, you know from the VC that I had no idea that the block James destroyed was abandoned. It’s like … it’s really difficult to figure out what details are important and which ones aren’t because the important things feel like they’re not really given enough prominence and detail. Like … it almost feels like you had this idea of what should be happening in your head, but not all the details made it onto the page, in other words. The same can be said for the rest of the fic so far, I think. It’s like, each chapter has multiple parts, which means there’s by default so much to remember at once. But a lot of what’s going on are really conversations, rather than actions, and the actual actions tend to be drowned out by the characters themselves. For example here, when Lioa was actually blinded, I thought he was: 1) actually hit by Thunder, instead of glanced by it, and 2) paralyzed. It took me a second read-through (after the part where his soon-to-be stepdad says he was flash-blinded) to see the “side flash.” Everything after that points to Lioa being in a daze, which I thought meant physical and literal shock, rather than emotional shock stemming from confusion. And then the scene went right into Kitiku finding Zanha, so it’s like… Aaaanyway, the constructive part. I feel like a lot of this fic’s weakness comes from the idea that it offers up a lot of information all at once except for the information we need to move forward. Think of it like this: Lioa was blinded. Cool. Except two things happened in that scene where he was actually blinded. First, it happens, he stumbles around, and before we can let the consequences sink in fully, we’re ushered off to a scene with Kitiku, so we immediately forget anything happened to Lioa. Kitiku’s half of the part is longer than Lioa’s, and the next part focuses largely on Kitiku, so it’s easy to forget that something important happened to Lioa. It’s only at the third part when we get back to Lioa, at which point we’re finally told that he’s blind. That’s a long time to be told that something serious happened with Lioa (as much as I love Kitiku and want to continue following him). The other part of the above, the “except for the information we need to move forward,” works like this: Lioa was blinded, but we never really got an indication that he was blinded. In the actual scene where he’s hit by an ampharos, he tries to get up and stumbles around. He tries to move but he can’t. These are indications of paralysis, not blindness. At no point were we ever given the indication that anything might be wrong with his eyesight, hence the confusion. If there were hints that he couldn’t see straight or at all—his vision went white, he was reaching out aimlessly as he stumbled, etc.—then the reader would see that and go, “Oh shit, something happened to this kid, and we’ll need to expect it later.” It’ll be easier to follow this character’s story, in other words, to its natural conclusion later on. Of course, there’s still the problem that the natural conclusion is interrupted by Kitiku’s story. On that note, it’s possible that the girth of the cast is also a hindrance to the fic, as you’re juggling the stories of several different characters at once, and those characters sometimes have multiple stories of their own. This isn’t easy to do, and often, when it’s not done masterfully, it feels as if the story as a whole lacks direction and cohesion in plot. At the risk of putting things bluntly, this fic … does indeed feel like it’s not got much cohesion in plot. I’m still not sure what this fic is about, to be honest, other than kids doing stupid things and getting hurt for it. I don’t know. I feel like I’m heaping criticism on you, but I think the point is that there’re some really interesting elements underneath a lot of what’s going on here. I like where some of your character arcs/characters in general are going. It’s just that … your story is kinda like a messy knot at the moment. There are strings going everywhere, and sometimes, it’s really difficult to tell which string goes where or whether or not we have to worry about a string. What you want is a braid, and that’ll probably only happen if pacing and descriptions were fixed. It goes back to the Zanha thing: you told us about Kitiku throwing but forgot about the Zanha hovering, and we need both to understand fully what’s going on. Maybe working with a dedicated beta will help with that. (I know we’re kinda … dry on that atm, but still. D: )
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roule
Take it all, or leave it... I feel you
Posts: 39
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Post by roule on Mar 27, 2020 6:42:02 GMT
First off, I really enjoy the chart of pokemon you have at the end of your chapters. Occasionally I find myself skipping over names of pokemon in descriptions because I read rather fast, and being able to check at the end feels like finding something I didn't know I needed.
For your story, I really enjoy the thought you have put into your environmental design. Describing places that exist, whether within pokemon canon or in the real world is hard enough, describing a world that you've come up with yourself is twice as hard. There are many moving parts within these worlds, the customs of its people, how they live, the politics of the region, etc. The region of Coltar is written in a way that shows how intricately you've written the setting, but I feel at times it can be a bit overbearing. It's easy to get caught up in the details of your world and focus on the little quirks of it, however you could end up losing sight of the entire story. I think some elements, like the fighting between the North and South factions and Coltar's discrimination towards those that do not fit could be shown a little more subtly and a little further down the line. However, I do think it's a very interesting motivation for James, and the descriptions that work well, like when James looked at the party from outdoors, particularly with the intergration of pokemon. I think the world within this fic is quite intriguing, and leaves the reader returning for more.
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