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Ola
Nov 16, 2018 22:35:49 GMT
Post by Zephyr on Nov 16, 2018 22:35:49 GMT
OlaSummary:Everyone’s smiles shine so brightly. Those smiles led us to so many other people and those smiles will lead us to a bright future. I’m so glad I got to meet everyone. Rating and Expectation:This is PG-13 plus for mild language, implications of bodily harm to youth, and canon violence found in the video games. Plenty of OCs galoreTable of Contents:
Chapter 1Notes:My most recent project! Generation 7 is my favorite Gen alongside 2 and 5, so like Monochrome Smiles and Heart and Soul before this, I would like to present my own spin on a story and region I am absolutely fond off. Nothing much more to say other than I hope you enjoy! Commenting/Critique
I would like comments and feedback!
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Ola
Nov 16, 2018 22:36:45 GMT
Post by Zephyr on Nov 16, 2018 22:36:45 GMT
Ch.1: Chosen
“…the trail’s over.”
“Wait!!” Kaipo dug through his pocket to take out a revive for Pokémon but in his haste he dropped it, the gold diamond shaped medicine scattered on the ground. He desperately bent down to try to pick up the pieces.
“As the Island Kahuna and the judge of this match, I say the trial’s over as well as your Island Challenge. Go home.”
“What?! No!”
“I’m not repeating myself, take your Pokémon to a Pokémon Center and go home.” Kaipo looked at his deflated Jigglypuff. His hands clenched to fist. It cracked a multi-colored amulet within his right.
…
Kaipo sighed as he relaxed into his sofa. Next to him was his pink balloon like companion. On the screen before them was a hectic battle between a Charizard and a Machamp. The four armed muscular Pokémon has constantly landed good hits but the flying flaming lizard has managed to burn it. With one gigantic swing of his tail, the Charizard ended the fight then and there.
“It’s over! The champion gets to keep his title!!” Kaipo yawned as he started to look for the remote.
“Hm?” Kaipo looked around the table of cans and snack wrappings. “Lokelani, did you take the remote again?” The Jigglypuff shook his body to signal no.
“That would be me.” Kaipo’s mother turned it off. “I need to go meet with some friends for the upcoming Island Trial Festival, can you pick up some groceries.” He nodded. “And please dress up properly, even though you’re not participating, you can’t look like a slob on the day new Trail Goers set off.”
“Yeah yeah…” Kaipo looked down at his pajamas, actually his normal cloths on most days, of a pink tank top and black exercise pants. He slipped on to his black sandals and started to go to his room. His choice of ‘dress up properly’ isn’t all too inspired either. A bright red t-shirt with white flowers decorated on the front and jeans.
The Hau’oli Outskirts or the South side of Route 1 of Melemele Island wasn’t much in the way of a bustling neighborhood what with the three, four some houses. Most locals would prefer to live in the town north or the city westward. None the less, the grassy plains, the flora, and the view that overlooked the beaches made it not too bad a place to live.
The Jigglypuff walked not too far behind him as they made their way down the street. As long as they don’t go near the grass, they shouldn’t provoke the many Pokémon that made this hill path their home.
Thankfully traversing uninterrupted was routine. It didn’t take long for him to finally reach the entrance to Hau’oli City, the main metropolis of the island. However, despite the buildings in the distance, the path seemed to be blocked by traffic cones.
“…um?” Kaipo looked around until he saw one of the works. The man wiped the sweat from underneath his hard hat and walked up to him.
“Ah, do you need to get by kid?” Kaipo slowly nodded. “Sorry, we got a bit of a traffic jam. A few run away Pokémon damage the road and Pokémon Center. You’re free to take the Route 3 to Hau’oli City.” Kaipo and Lokelani slouched. That was more or less asked the fifteen year old to travel all away around the island to the city.
“T-thank you…” He said tiredly. The light blow of the salty winds made the increased difficulty of his chore sting. “Let’s go Lokelani, we have a long walk to make.” The Jigglypuff sighed and continued to follow, this time north up the hill.
“…huh?” Kaipo traversed up this hill before…years ago. He never felt much of a need to go to this hill when the path to the city was right there. “…of all days huh Lokelani?” Loke only squeaked in response. “…is there more grass here or is it just me?”
“Puff.”
“Eh, wasn’t exactly expecting an answer in Alolan.” Kaipo continued until he heard the rustle of grass. Looked like there was no avoidance. “Yungoos…” A brown linear Pokémon with a yellow stripe leaped out of the grass and let out a snarl. “…sorry Lokelani, looks you’re going to have to fight.” The Jigglypuff puffed himself up in anticipation. “Lokelani, Pound!” The balloon lunged across the air…
…only to be tackled into the ground by the hostile Yungoos.
“…uh oh.” However, that vocal confirmation of his terrible situation is of no benefit to Kaipo as the Yungoos turned to him. “Gh-!” Kaipo raised his arms in defense as the Yungoos lunged toward him…but no impact was made.
Kaipo peeked to see a fast bubble shot across the air and slammed Yungoos back into the grass. He slowly lowered his arms and looked to his savior. A small blue Pokémon. The Yungoos emerged and snarled in defiance…until the blue Pokémon clapped his flippers. A black furred kitten and a brown round owl joined in. The Yungoos shuddered and ran away, clearly out numbered.
“Hey there!” A tanned muscular man with black hair and a goatee ran up to him. He adjusted his white hat and lab coat, the only thing that covered his torso. “Hang on…you’re Kaipo right?” Kaipo picked up the exhausted and deflated Lokelani.
“…yeah?” Kaipo was surprised the man recognized him.
“You ok? I saw you get attacked like that!” Oh good, he didn’t see the pitiful performance.
“I got a bit of help from these guys.” He motioned to the three Pokémon.
“Looks like you did! I was looking after these Pokémon but they dashed right out on their own. I didn’t think these little fellows would help save a stranger!” The man adjusted his shades. “Hardly see you out of your house. Ready to help see the Island Challengers off?” Kaipo could not believe he had the region-famous Professor Kukui worrying about him. He shook his head.
“A-well…no. I’m doing some chores for my mother.”
“Oh, that’s too bad buddy.”
“Road’s blocked so I got to take the long way around through Route 3. Likely won’t make it back in time.”
“Hey!!” Kaipo shuddered while Kukui looked up the hill and smiled. An excited eleven year old in a black t-shirt and yellow shorts ran on over. It was hard to miss him with his dark green hair tied in an upwards pony tail. The kid skidded up to Kaipo much to his surprise. “Which Pokémon are you gonna choose as your partner? Have you decided?”
“…huh?”
“Them!” The boy excitedly pointed to the three Pokémon.
“Whoa whoa, I already-” Kaipo tried to present the exhausted Jigglypuff. Kukui laughed.
“Hau! Slow on down…”
“Oh yeah, I’m Hau!” The young boy certainly didn’t lack in energy.
“Slow down!” Kaipo and Kukui both said.
“Sorry, I couldn’t wait for us to pick our partners!”
“Um…” Kaipo presented Loke face to face to Hau.
“Oh…you already got one.” Kaipo finally sighed and nodded.
“Besides, even if Kaipo were to choose a starter, you can’t pick until the ceremony starts.” Kukui looked to the three Pokémon. “Okay, back to your Pokeballs you three.” The blue one waved goodbye to Kaipo before containment.
“Alright then, I’ll run on ahead!” Hau began to dash on back.
“…I think his parents need to lower his sugar intake.” Kukui laughed off Kaipo’s comment as he presented a spray can of medicine to him. “For your Jigglypuff.”
“Thank you.” Kaipo started to spray it over the living balloon much to his frustration.
“Hau just turned eleven; he’s starting his first Island Trial today!” Kaipo finished and placed the bottle away. He looked in the direction Hau ran. “…have you done an island trail before?” Kaipo’s posture was stiff.
“Y-no…no.” Kaipo looked away.
“Hey.”
“Hm?”
“How old are you?”
“Fifteen?”
“Then give it a shot! It’s not too late!”
“Hold on!” Kaipo raised a hand in objection.
“You can still enter! As long as you aren’t twenty it doesn’t hurt to try!” Kukui pushed Kaipo’s back.
“Wait-hold on!!”
Kaipo groaned as he was guided to the northern town of Iki. There did not seem to be many people yet. Good. This meant he had a window of escape. Unfortunately, Kukui was very much present.
“Time for you to meet the Island Kahuna!” Kaipo shuddered.
“Aha ha ha…maybe another ti-?” Kukui walked on ahead to take a look around. “…Lokelani should we put him to sleep?” He whispered.
“Puff.”
“Okay.”
“Huh? What’s goin’ on here? We were supposed to meet him right here, yeah.” Kaipo was relieved as he started to make a few steps backwards.
“Thank Tapu…” Kaipo nearly jumped as Kukui snapped his fingers. He turned to Kaipo much to his chagrin.
“Do me a solid and go find the island kahuna! I’ll wait around here to make sure we don’t miss each other.” Kaipo laughed nervously.
“I-I don’t even know what the Island Kahuna looks like.”
“You can’t miss him! He looks just like a kahuna!”
“…thanks.” Kaipo began to sulk onwards. Not far behind the pair were an excited mother and her very tired daughter. The long messy black haired woman quickly took out her Pokenav and began to take pictures of the city.
“Fuuka, take a picture with me here!” The shoulder length black haired girl adjusted her blue bucket hat and sighed. Fuuka’s mother quickly pulled her close and took a selfie and her daughter. “Iki Town, the place where we give thanks to Pokémon.”
“Thanks mom, I can read.” Fuuka stared at the sign and looked back up at the sky as she placed her hands in the pockets of her black long shorts.
“Oh, did you notice the Wingull here are slightly bigger than the ones back home?”
“I have eyes.”
“I’m going to take more pictures before the ceremony starts!”
“Alright, I’m going to look around.” Fuuka walked around what appeared to be a large wooden stage. “…so this is where they’re going to battle?” She stared at it. “…woods kinda fragile for how hectic and destructive Pokémon battles get right?” A sigh as she remembered the last Pokémon battle she was witness to. A Blazekin and a Charizard. That small rock they battled on was annihilated to dust. “I shouldn’t question their traditions I suppose…hm?” Fuuka looked to see a local enter a path to the forest. “…huh?”
Kaipo walked up dirt road. He only climbed the first few wooden steps before he already pondered if he should just leave. Maybe Kukui would be convinced he got sick and went home? Did the chore he was sent out to do in the first place?
“What do you think Lokelani?”
“Jiggly.” A defeated sigh.
“Thought so.” Kaipo continued to step up the hill until he saw that he wasn’t alone here. A girl stood out from her surroundings. She had long blonde hair that was braided on each side of her face, a large circular white hat with a blue ribbon around it and a long sleeveless white dress. Her legs and feet were protected from the hill road by a pair of long socks and white shoes.
“Hm…” The girl’s green eyes curiously scanned ahead of her. She paused her sightseeing when the gray cylinder shaped bag she carried started to shake. She quickly gripped it still. “You can’t come out! We’ll get in trouble if anyone sees you.” She let out a surprised yelp as the bag seemed to drag her.
“Wh-?” Kaipo began to run on up…unaware not far behind him was Fuuka. She scratched the side of her head.
“…what’s up with him?”
The blonde girl tried to reach for the zipper of her bag as it dragged her but a purple cloud like Pokémon gladly emerged from the bag. It waved their blue cloud like hands in joy.
“Wai-!” Before the Pokémon can hear the girl’s call, the cloud sped off ahead of her. She was about to pursuit until she heard numerous shrill caws. Numerous Spearow emerged from the trees and descended upon the Pokémon that trespassed in their territory. The cloud’s blue eyes displayed fright as it started to cower unto the wooden bridged it floated above. Kaipo and Lokelani braked to a stop, Fuuka curiously looked around him. “Ah…” The girl looked at the three frightened.
“What’s wrong?”
“Who are you?” Kaipo finally processed an older girl was present.
“Huh?”
“Please! Save Nebby!” The girl meekly pleaded. Kaipo nodded as Fuuka readied a pokeball. Their questions can wait.
“Lokelani, use Pound!” The Jigglypuff jumped in the air…and was tackled down by two of the Spearow. The girl began to shriek as some began to head toward her.
“Ryukai!” An orange bipedal dragon appeared and sweeped some of the birds away successfully. “Stay behind me, I’ll ge-hey!!”
“Take care of Lokelani for me!” Kaipo sped ahead and swatted the pecking Spearows away from the cloud.
“Don’t worry I got you…” But despite the few flails of his arms, the Spearows were relentless. He quickly settled to shield the cloud with his body. “Okay…maybe not…”
“Ugh that dumb-! Ryukai!” The dragonite began to charge electricity but everyone present were silent as the cloud began to glow.
“Oh no-!” Before the blonde could call out, the purple cloud Pokémon bursted with energy…energy that shattered the bridge Kaipo and the cloud were on.
“Change of plans, Ryukai get them before-!” A spinning bolt scattered the Spearow to everyone’s surprise. The bolt then sped on down and carried Kaipo and the cloud to safety. “…huh?” Kaipo was dropped on to the ground. He breathed heavily and in panic due to all too close drop to the river. He checked his arms to see the weird Pokémon still there. Everyone turned to look at a strange dome like yellow-mask that resembled that of a decorated rooster’s head. The mask split apart to reveal the curious black bodied Pokémon inside.
“…Tapu Koko?” Kaipo said. The Pokémon let out a shriek before it zipped back off into the sky. Two rocks were dropped where it floated. “…umm…?” The cloud floated away from him toward the girl.
“Oh thank goodness!” She embraced the cloud. “You tried using your power again didn’t you? Oh Nebby…you know what happened last time. You could move for ages after that. I don’t want to see you like that again!” The cloud frowned. A sigh from here. “No…I shouldn’t say that. I’m sorry, Nebby…I know you were trying to save me that time.” Kaipo and Fuuka looked at each other and pondered if the girl was aware two others were present. In the meanwhile, Lokelani and Ryukai curiously picked up the two rocks that were left behind. She finally took notice of the others present. “O-oh sorry!”
“It’s fine…” Kaipo sighed.
“So…what was that?” Fuuka asked as she pointed up at the sky.
“That was Tapu Koko, the Tapu of this island.” They both stared at Kaipo. He could assume they were tourists. “They’re the sacred guardians of the island. They watch over and protect those who are on the island from harm so long as we live in harmony with it. Then again, I don’t claim to know them…this is my first time seeing one up close despite living here for so long.” Fuuka and Kaipo’s Pokémon walked up to present the stones. The girl yelped and hid behind Fuuka.
“…um?”
“I think this is a bad place to get answers.” Kaipo bent down to pick up the stone from Lokelani. Fuuka retrieved the stone Ryukai held as well. “Let’s head on back.” Fuuka returned the Dragonite but before they made progress on the journey back.
“I-I know it’s too much for me to ask it, but…please. Don’t tell anyone about this.”
“Huh?” The blonde presented the purple cloud Pokémon.
“About seeing Nebby…it’s…it’s a secret, ok?” Kaipo and Fuuka looked at each other than back at the girl. Fuuka nodded but Kaipo shrugged. The girl nervously started to open her bag. “Come on. Into the bag, Nebby.”
Kukui awaited them at the entrance of the trail. He waved happily to them.
“Hey! Looks like you missed the kahuna, yeah?” Kaipo nervously laughed.
“Yeah…” Can I go home now? He thought.
“But you found my assistant, oh yeah!”
“Hm?” Kaipo looked to the blonde.
“Looks like you already met, but just in case, this is my assistant!”
“Oh…um..yes! You can call me Lillie.” The blonde finally properly greeted.
“And, Lillie, this here is Kaipo and…” Kukui paused as he started at the odd one out of the trio.
“Fuuka.” She decided it was best that she introduced herself. “I’m just a tourist here.” Lillie looked to Kaipo in particular.
“So…you’re also one of the professor’s acquaintances?”
“Acquaitanceisastretch.”
“Hm?” Kaipo shook his head to hide his mumbling from Lillie.
“Nothing.”
“It’s nice to meet you. You too Fuuka, you were very helpful.” Kaipo sunk a little as he remembered the sheer difference of competence displayed back at the bridge. Thankfully the sting didn’t have to last long because a new horror for him to think about arrived.
“The kahuna is back! Kahuna Hala has returned!!” Kaipo quickly raised Lokelani up to his face. A crowd celebrated the arrival of a large stocky old man with white hair tied in an upwards pony tail. He stood up regardless of the crowd’s praises due to his yellow flower patterned jacket.
“Have I missed something?” The squinty eyed man asked. Kukui immediately waved and walked up to him.
“Naw, but where’d you go off to, Kahuna? I thought we were meeting here.” Kaipo began to try to side step. Hala laughed.
“I am the Kahuna of this island, after all. Whenever there is a problem on the island; it is my duty to resolve it.” Hala looked to Lillie. “Sorry, Lillie. What were you saying before? For some reason I thought I saw Tapu Koko flying about…” Lillie nodded.
“Yes, Kahuna Hala…” Lillie looked to her bag. “Nebby was being attacked by Spearow on the plank bridge when they helped it get away…” Hala looked at Fuuka.
“They?” Fuuka immediately pointed to Kaipo.
“Hm? I know that Jigglypuff…Lokelani yes? Wait, that means…” Kaipo slowly lowered Loke. A joyous smile on Hala’s face as he recognized the boy. “Kaipo! It’s so good to see you out of the house! Are you going to help see off this year’s Island Challengers?” Kaipo quietly sighed into his Jigglypuff before he gently let his Pokémon down.
“I-I just got caught up during an errand…” Kaipo scratched the side of his head.
“He ran to protect Nebby…” Lillie said. “…but the bridge collapsed and I thought both of them might fall to the bottom of the ravine…and that was when the island’s guardian deity swooped in to save them!” Kaipo shuddered. Now there was no way Hala and Kukui are going to ignore him now.
“Woo! That’s something you don’t hear every day!” Kukui’s smile to Kaipo was only more painful for the latter.
“Although it is said to protect us, our Tapu Koko is a rather fickle creature. Yet our guardian was moved to save you.” Hala looked to Kukui. “Kukui, my boy, I think we have a cause to celebrate!” He walked up to Kaipo. “You too. I think this is a sign.” Kaipo became more visibly nervous.
“…I…” Kaipo looked away.
“Oh.” Fuuka dug through her shoulder bag and presented one of the rocks Tapu Koko dropped. “Tapu Koko left these for us.” Hala looked at Fuuka then over at Kaipo. The Alolan teen nervously took out his own stone from his pocket. Hala became further ecstatic.
“A sparkling stone…!” Hala looked at the stones with interest. “So it even deigned to give you two stones. Perhaps…” The man pondered. “Allow me to borrow these stones for now. Fret not! I’ll return it to you tomorrow evening.” His smile returned. “I can see a light within you two. You must do us the honor of joining in our festival tonight and tomorrow!” Kaipo blinked.
“Wh-wha-?”
“I want you two to become part of the Island Challenge!”
“What?!” Both Fuuka and Kaipo cried out.
“Kahuna Hala, hold on!” Kaipo stepped forward. “I-I already…!”
“There’s nothing forbidding you from trying again.” Fuuka raised a hand.
“Hold on, what even is the Island Challenge?”
“Allow me to explain.” Kukui began. “You travel to each of the four islands here in the Alola region. It’s all about aiming to be the strongest trainer – the island champion. Woo!” Fuuka slowly nodded.
“I…see?”
“Anyone in Alola under the age of twenty can participate in this island challenge. We have a festival for giving them a Pokémon of Alola and seeing them off!” Kukui noticed the slight height Fuuka has on those present. “How old are you?”
“I’m 19.”
“Then it’s settled!”
“I’m not a citizen of Alola though.” Kukui presented an empty passport…much to Fuuka’s bafflement as she slowly took it.
“Just go to Hau’oli City Hall and fill that out and you’re good to go!”
“Um can we pa-?”
“Fuuka! You’re participating in one of Alola’s traditions! That’s great!” Fuuka shuddered and shrieked at her mother’s sudden arrival to the point she nearly dropped the stone. “We need to get in a quick picture to celebrate!!”
“…everyone…this is my mom.” Fuuka lamented. Hala laughed. “Anyways, here is the stone.” Fuuka handed the stone over after the numerous snap shots her mother took. Kaipo likewise handed over his stone.
“Then we can move on to the first part of the festival. Kukui, my boy, if you would ready the Pokémon? I must find Hau.” Hala began to walk on off. Kaipo sighed again. Lillie looked to him curiously but quickly followed Kukui as he started to walk onto the stage.
“…well today turned out to be a bummer.” Kaipo whispered to Lokelani.
“Kaipo?” Kaipo’s day got worse by the minute. His mother lifted the sunglasses from her eyes as she took a look closer to confirm that it is indeed her son. “Oh Kaipo! Are you trying the Island Challenge again?”
“The path to Hau’oli City was blocked and I tried to take the long way and one thing after an-!” His mother pulled him into a hug. “Huh?”
“I’m so happy you got your enthusiasm back!!”
“Wait!!” Kaipo pushed back. “…I…” He looked to his mom. This was the most hopeful looking she’s been. “It’s just a misunderstanding.” The smile was gone a moment. She scratched the side of her head. “I’m sorry…”
“Well…groceries can wait, the festival is about to start.”
“Hey!!” Kaipo shuddered. Oh Tapu Koko, what now?! Hau ran on up to Kaipo. “I heard you’re gonna take the Island Challenge! That’s great!”
“Whoa-!” Kaipo looked to his mother and Lokelani who just smiled. “Hold o-!”
“I guess maybe you should’ve thought about which one you’re going to pick huh?”
“Wai-!” A loud drum echoed across the area. People grew silent as they turned to the stage. On the center of the stage was Hala. He waved to the audience with both hands.
“Alola!” He waved out to the crowd. “Today, this year’s Island Challenge will now begin. I am Hala, the Kahuna of Melemele Island! I would like to welcome our Island Challengers!” The crowd began to cheer as he motioned them up to the stage. Hau instantly got up on staged and frantically waved back to the crowd with both arms. Fuuka nervously followed second, her waves much smaller. The crowd could see she was out of place.
Kaipo looked at the two on the stage. Hau looked to Kaipo and motioned him up on stage. He opened his mouth…and paused before any words could come out. This stage, this crowd. It was all too familiar…but so was Hau’s enthusiasm. Lokelani poked the back of his leg with his body.
“…huh?” Lokelani bummed into him again to motion to the stage. Kaipo stared at Lokelani for a long moment before he took a deep breath and with all his courage, walked on to the stage. The crowd applauded for the three as Lokelani and his mother smiled to each other. Hala reached in his pocket and released three Pokémon. The owl, cat, and seal from this morning.
“These three Pokémon as well as these challenge amulets shall be given to these new challengers!” Around the Pokémons’ necks (body in the case of the spherical owl) were yellow charms with yellow, red, pink, and purple decoration. “Now…who shall choose first? I suppose it is only fair to have whoever came on stage first go?” Hau jumped up and down. “Say the name of the one you choose.”
“Alright!” He quickly ran up and but was stopped by Hala.
“Say, don’t pick up.” Hau laughed in embarrassment along with the crowd.
“Rowlett.” Fuuka stared at the two remaining Pokémon.
“Um…” She pointed to the cat.
“Then she has chosen Litten.” Fuuka was thankful for Hala’s input. Can’t exactly admit to the crowd she had no idea what these Pokémon were.
“I suppose that leaves Poppolio with me.” Kaipo looked at the seal. Come to think of it, he didn’t pick a Pokémon. He was always confident Lokelani would take him all the way…
“Only when you have both chosen each other can you truly call each other partners.” Hala turned to the Pokémon as he gently guided Hau back with the challengers. “Let us see if these Pokémon also decide to choose them.”
Hau stepped forward. He bent down and spread his arms to the owl. The Rowlett hopped forward. After a moment of silence, the owl took more steps forward. Hau gently picked up the owl. With a happy chirp, he hugged the circular bird.
Fuuka stared at Litten. A nervous smile was on her face. This was supposed to be a casual vacation. Honestly, she could not blame the Litten for not choosing her. None the less, the cat stepped forward and raised his head toward her. With a begging look like that, Fuuka found little strength to refuse him as she petted.
“…hey.” Kaipo looked to Popplio. “Thanks for saving me.” The seal stood on his tail and posed proudly. A laugh from Kaipo. “Regardless if I go through with this or not…I think we’re going to get along.” Popplio let out a happy squeak.
“So all three Pokémon has accepted our island challengers as well!” Applause erupted from the audience as Hala handed the three the Pokeballs of the respective Pokémon. “Then tonight, we celebrate and come late afternoon we shall truly see our challengers off. For now, bond with your new Pokémon, your new friends.”
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Ola
Nov 17, 2018 18:39:27 GMT
Post by vray on Nov 17, 2018 18:39:27 GMT
Okay, so it seems, the trial starting for both Kaipo and Fuuka has begun. Before I go into my thoughts on the chapter itself, I'd like to delve into your first post. Summary:Everyone’s smiles shine so brightly. Those smiles led us to so many other people and those smiles will lead us to a bright future. I’m so glad I got to meet everyone. This feels less like a summary and more like a synopsis or a brief phrase said by someone in your story near the end of it. Kinda like a foreshadowing of how this character changes, but I will tackle both cases. 1) If it is meant to be that, I don't think this is a good way to showcase this. Foreshadowing or showing the differences from then at the start and where the person is now is more or less to convey a "where we were, here we are for where we'll go" kinda thing, else it's kinda just spoiling the results and all. 2) If it is not meant to be this, it still doesn't really summarize much of anything. I'd say this probably would fit more like an little saying at the start rather than a summary a "good will message" about things rather than well...a synopsis on what the story is about. Rating and Expectation: This is PG-13 plus for mild language, implications of bodily harm to youth, and canon violence found in the video games. Plenty of OCs galore I won't delve into part of this, since it doesn't really matter my own thoughts on it, but I will say that if it's just having all these things, why would it be PG-13? I mean, implications yeah, but those tend to be for kid audiences more, see brave little toaster and other examples of implications that while dark don't make it raise up that much. Also, the game itself is rated E and all so if you're going to have the warning things same to the game, then what would raise it to the 13 level? Nitpicky and maybe calling it too early perhaps, but I say this to also give some thought on how you want to differentiate the content. Speaking of which. Chapter time, now first off I don't have much thoughts on Kaipo other than he's so far a character that's lost confidence in failing a challenge once and therefore he and his partner Loke don't seem to be up to snuff you could say. here's some things I noticed in initial reading. “Wait!!” Kaipo dug through his pocket to take out a revive for Pokémon but in his haste he dropped it, the gold diamond shaped medicine scattered on the ground. He desperately bent down to try to pick up the pieces. I'm no expert on Pokémon medicine so take this with a grain of salt, but I don't think revives break apart like that easily. Now of course this isn't important in the grand point of it, just a canon issue that might be there (course I could be wrong and all) As the Island Kahuna and the judge of this match, I say the trail’s over as well as your Island Challenge. Go home.” Not gonna lie, this first time I read this, I kinda laughed. I mean, yeah "Trail" is there instead of "Trial" but I can just imagine it being like at the end of a victory road and all that and the "Noooo!" coming afterwards so that was funny even if it was a typo. Kaipo sighed as he relaxed into his sofa. Next to him was his pink balloon like companion. On the screen before them was a hectic battle between a Charizard and a Machamp. The four armed muscular Pokémon has constantly landed good hits but the flying flaming lizard has managed to burn it. With one gigantic swing of his tail, the Charizard ended the fight then and there. A little description notice. You start by telling where they're sitting and then go to the TC screen at the battle going on so I was expecting you'd get into description of these two and the room after the fight. But that didn't happen, which was kinda disappointing for me since you can tell a lot about a person from the way their room is in and the way they just reside in it. It felt like a missed opportunity to show us more about his character than well...saving it for later. So after that initial talking with his mom, we are taken to where he gets into a little trouble and helped by the three starters with Kukui comin' a runnin' Now something I actually liked was the way you portrayed Kukui in this. I like how you make him energetic and acting like he's missing what the other is saying when most likely he's just acting that way since Kukui isn't so dumb to be direct or to give up easily. Hau….is well....Hau. Nothing much on him at the moment maybe later. As it goes on I do like the exchanges and seemingly partners Kaipo and Loke are when it comes to trying to escape, but then... “Huh? What’s goin’ on here? We were supposed to meet him right here, yeah.” Kaipo was relieved as he started to make a few steps backwards. “Thank Tapu…” Kaipo nearly jumped as Kukui his fingers. He turned to Kaipo much to his chagrin. Here's an example of problems I notice throughout this chapter. One is that the person talking isn't the thing that followed afterwards. Notice in the first part with the "Huh? What's goin' on..." section that's Kukui talking. However you have Kaipo following it. That breaks the "spotlight focus" that's on Kukui since he's talking/ isn't already being shown on Kaipo. My solution is to move it to the next paragraph or try and incorporate it so that Kukui is still the focus while Kaipo does this. Something like, "Kukui muttered, and scratched his head in confusion, as a relieved Kaipo tried to back away." Now onto the overall thoughts. Out of all the characters you have here the one I actually have a good interest in is Fuuka. I wasn't expecting her to be there and while she is older (though barely able to do the challenge) I think she'll make a good separation for the story. Other than that...I kinda have to be honest and say that while you do some great job in description I kinda am not a fan with how "like" the games this is. Don't get me wrong, this is probably more of me having played it before and then reading this sorta gets to where I know what will happen and move on, but that's kinda the problem that happens with a lot of "writing in my way" for stories when they start. So, my advice is, feel free to go wild on this. Doing like the games is fine, but don't be afraid to tell it in a different way, different actions and other things. Being canonical is fine and preferred, but that doesn't mean you can't take steps the game didn't do or hell even branch away from it for your own telling. It's just right now, this feels very much the game more than well...your work even though you do have your own characters in it. I hope with later chapters it will become more your story and very interesting in your take on the Alolan Trials and the journey of Kaipo and Fuuka
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girl-like-substance
the seal will bite you if you give him half a chance
Posts: 527
Pronouns: xe/xem
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Ola
Nov 20, 2018 22:57:46 GMT
Post by girl-like-substance on Nov 20, 2018 22:57:46 GMT
Another novelisation kind of fic, huh. Not something you see too much of these days, but there's nothing wrong with that; it's a genre with a lot of potential, particularly in how people choose to depart from the original. And the crucial difference here appears to be that your protagonists are much less keen on the whole concept of the island challenge – especially Kaipo, who really feels like someone who, in another life, could have been a Team Skull recruit. Like, he's someone who didn't get on well with his island challenge, someone who's kinda disaffected with the whole thing. That describes an awful lot of the people who ended up in Po, honestly. It'll be super interesting to see how he fits into the SM story, which you appear to be bringing in more or less intact, and how he'll change that with his presence.
Having the newbie from Kanto be an already established trainer with a formidable partner is rather interesting, too. Not sure exactly what her challenge will be, given that I'd imagine a lot of what she'll face on her journey won't pose any difficulties for her, but there's got to be something going on with her. Beyond the fact that she's also someone who seems a bit jaded about things, that is. I look forward to seeing what!
I think my major criticism would have to be the volume of typos and grammatical errors, which do kind of get in the way of the experience; there are a lot of missing words, for instance, or odd moments where you switch between tenses for a single sentence, or a fragment of one. A lot of it could be fixed with a more thorough proofing – which, to be fair, isn't everyone's strong suit, but it really would help make the story a lot easier to read.
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