Paul's [Shinji's] New Adventures [PG]

Hey, so you mentioned this project of yours for a while, so I thought I should drop by!

So this takes place two years after the Sinnoh League, huh? I wonder if Paul was traveling elsewhere during that gap before landing on Unova. I admit I only watched a chunk of the Sinnoh episodes, so I'm not sure if Paul having school friends/acquaintances has been referenced in the show. Either way, from what I remember Paul isn't a people person so his behavior there makes sense.

I do agree with eldestoyster that some of your prose could use a bit of polishing. The stuff with "purple haired man" and such are what you called epithets, and you generally avoid those unless it's someone the character never met before. So yeah, generally you would refer yourself by name and gender, not "black haired lady."

Overall off to a good start, looking forward to more!

“Is there a Professor Jupiter up in this joint?” Miki asked in excitement as she forced her way into the building’s double doors.



The sound of the doors being forced open and slamming into the walls vibrated through the almost empty laboratory. Even though the front of the lab looked like a miniature hut from the outside, fitting into the scenery of the town, the inside of the lab was very spacious even with the various equipment that dotted certain areas. There were was a row of computers sitting on an elongated desk on each side of the room. Pokemon books were scattered both desks and papers flew in different directions due to the slight wind coming in from the outside.



“I think you might have scared her off,” a male voice said from behind. “I mean, I could hear you from far away…”



The group turned around to see a young man, who looked to be around 13 years old, standing in the doorway. He had dark blonde hair, pale grey eyes and was wearing a orange jacket over a blue sweatshirt. He shook his head sideways as he chuckled at the group.



“Let me guess, another new trainer?” Paul asked in a sarcastic tone as he rolled his eyes.



“Tristan? No, he’s not new at all,” Miki said as she walked over to the blonde haired young man and put one hand on his shoulder. “He’s crazy strong. I know, I met him during my travels and we became friends.”



“As I told you many times before, the name’s Trip…” Trip replied hestentently. “But that’s ok. What are you guys doing in Professor Juniper’s lab anyway?”



Miki proceeded to walk towards the group, placing herself between Jen and Paul while putting her hand on both their shoulders. “These three trainers need a Pokedex right away. Is Professor Jupiter coming back soon?”



“....Professor Juniper is currently at Chargestone Cave…” Trip said with an edge. “Why don’t you give out the ‘dexes? They’re in the box on the grey moving cart behind you…”



Miki turned around and looked at the grey cart with a large box on the bottom shelf. With a smirk, she ran over to the cart, taking out the heavy box from underneath and setting it on the floor. She grabbed three separate boxes, each containing a medium sized grey device and 5 poke balls.



“I guess Professor Jupiter won’t mind….” Miki said as she got up and began to pass the boxes out to the group of trainers. One by one, she passed out the boxes. “one for you, one for you... “



“...and one for you, Your Majesty. It’s a pokedex,” the girl said in a sarcastic tone as she gave Paul his pokedex.



“Yeah, whatever.” Paul said gruffly under his breath as he grabbed the pokeballs and pokedex from the box and slowly started to walk towards the door. “I’m out of here.”



“Yo, Peter!” Miki exclaimed as she jumped in front of Paul. “I got way more info to give y’all before you set off on your journey to become a top know-it-all trainer, y’know…”



Trip walked over to stand near the brown haired girl. “You see, this is why we don’t like people from the boonies.”



Paul stopped dead in his tracks as he began to tense up. Not only was he again being called by a name that wasn’t him, but another trainer was insulting him for where he came from. His fists were clenched tightly as he began to have fumes in his eyes. All he wanted was to set off on his journey, however he didn’t want to stick around and listen to a useless tutorial he’s heard many times before.



“And just what is THAT supposed to mean?!” The young man angrily asked as he glared at Trip, not having the energy or the will to address his name being said wrong.



“You’re not very smart, aren’t you?” The blonde young man asked as he gave a condescending smirk. “You don’t seem like a very experienced trainer, just someone who talks too much.”



“I wish I could just smack you right now!” Paul said as he raised his voice. “But it’s not even worth the energy to do it!”



“Typical of a trainer from the boonies,” Trip chucked. “Always resorting to violence. But hey, instead of trying to fight me physically, how about we have a Pokemon battle, one on one…. what do you say?”



Paul took a minute process everything, unclenching his fists in the process. ‘Hm, if I battle this guy and I win, maybe I can show him just how serious I am. However, why do I need to prove myself to him? I’m past that. I’ll just battle him just to have him make a fool of himself!’ His scowl slowly started to turn into a smirk as he raised his left eyebrow.



“Alright, if you want to make a fool out of yourself, then you can be my guest,” The young man said with confidence. “The faster we finish, the faster you all can get out of my face.”



“Then it’s off to the backyard, let’s go!” Miki exclaimed as she lead the group to the back of the small laboratory and out the back door.



.~~~~



The battle was about to begin as there was a strong sense of tension in the air. The two young men stared each other down, locked in battle mode. Trip smiled confidently while Paul scowled and clenched his fists tightly. Light chattering amongst the few onlookers can be heard as the battle was about to begin. The battlefield itself was a plain dirt field with a pokeball symbol in the middle and a small set of bleachers on the right side.



“I’m going to be the referee!” Marnie said as she ran off the bleachers and on to the side of the field. “I’m on my journey to become an official Pokemon referee so I need practice.”



Upon standing on the referee podium, she pulled out a pokeball from her white tote bag and proceeded to throw it in the air. A burst of light came from the pokeball as the figure of a bipedal Pokemon emerged. By her side was a dark yellow mouse Pokemon with a white underbelly and a small lightning bolt tail. Marnie then knelt down to pick up her Pokemon and place it on her shoulder.



“Rai chuuuu!” cooed the mouse Pokemon as it was waving a red flag.



Upon seeing the mouse Pokemon, Paul reached for his pokedex that was located in the left pocket of his jacket and began to point it at Marnie’s Pokemon. A green screen then proceeded to pop with the pokemon’s picture while a male robotic voice began to explain the Pokemon’s info.



“Raichu, the mouse Pokemon and the evolved form of Pikachu,” the pokedex explained. “Its tail discharges electricity into the ground, protecting it from getting shocked.”



“Just testing out my dex,” Paul said as he put away his pokedex and pulls out a pokeball from his belt. “Now, Electivire, standby for battle!”



Paul threw his pokeball high into the air with confidence. A burst of light came from the ball as Electivire emerged in a combative stance. The thunderbolt Pokemon let out a confident battle cry as he waved his fists.



“Go, Serperior!” Trip yelled as he also threw his pokeball in the air.



That same beam of light came bursting through the ball as the huge snake appeared from the light and coiled itself onto the battlefield. It was a pale green, serpentine Pokémon with narrow red eyes and grass like patterns on the sides. Paul quickly reached for his pokedex and pointed it at Trip’s Serperior.



“Serperior, the regal Pokemon and the evolved form of Servine,” the pokedex explained. “It can stop its opponents' movements with just a glare. It takes in solar energy and boosts it internally.”



“Isn’t that nice?” Trip asked with a mocking tone. “You got your serperior lesson for today.”



“It has been determined that Paul gets the first move,” Marnie announced as her raichu waved the red flag, signaling Paul to make his move. “Now begin!”



“Electivire, use thunder on the battlefield.” Paul commanded in an authoritative voice.



Electivire proceeded to shove both of his long tails deep into the ground while mustering all the electrical energy he could. After being shrouded in electricity, he released a massive thunder attack into the ground. The ground began to rumble underneath the competero’s feet as large pieces of rock began to fly from up into the air and fell quickly onto the ground.



“Serperior, dodge those!” Trip commanded with confidence.



With style and speed, the regal Pokemon slithered left and right to dodge every rock that made contact with the ground. However, right as the serperior was on the right track, Trip spotted a huge rock that was almost inches above his Pokemon’s head. He then smirked at a perfect opportunity to turn this into a counter strike.



“Now Serperior, use dragon tail on that rock!” Trip commanded with a smirk.



Mustering all the energy he could, Serperior’s tail began to glow a light blue color. When the time was right, he swung his blue colored tail up above and made contact with the falling rock. The boulder was too tough to break, however, dragon tail’s force allowed the rock to fly straight into the opponent’s path. Paul quickly registered the attack as he began to scowl and clench his fists.



“Electivire, protect!” Paul demanded in desperation.



However, before Electivire can muster up his energy to make a shield to protect himself from the projectile object, the rock hit him in the middle. The force from the rock was so powerful, that it sent Electivire almost flying backwards and smacked into his trainer. Paul’s reaction time was too slow as he could not run away and he and his Pokemon began to fall onto the ground, sliding a few feet. Luckily for him, it was only his left foot that was trapped under Electivire’s weight as he was able to wiggle himself out and stand up.



“Electivire, stop fooling around!” Paul said harshly as his heart began to race. “Use brick break now!”



After shaking off the shock from the rock attack, Electivire quickly got on to his feet and began to charge toward his opponent. Narrowing his red eyes, he turned his right hand side ways as if he was about to execute a swift chop.



“Grab it Serperior!” Trip commanded. “Use wrap!”



The regal Pokemon proceeded to quickly move his body away from the oncoming brick break that was about to happen. Using his tail, he proceeded to grab his opponent and held on tightly. The grip was so tight that Electivire could hardly breathe as his face began to turn purple from the suffocation. Paul growled loudly as he was trying to figure out how to get himself out of this situation.



“Now, it’s give it the old slam, back to back!” Trip exclaimed confidently as he pumped one fist in the air.



With the suffocated Electivire in his grasp, the grass snake began to raise his tail and then with speed and force, slammed his opponent into the hard ground. He did this repeatedly while the thunderbolt Pokemon was trying his best to break out of wrap’s grasp. However, with the repeated slams to the head, it was unsuccessful. Paul’s fists were clenched tightly as he was very shocked at what was going on. At this time, Electivire grew to be unconscious from the attacks.



“Alright, that’s enough!” Trip said with a edge. “I think we got the message through. Now throw it back!”



Serperior raised his tail and with all his might, he threw the unconscious Electivire against a tree with such force. The force was great enough to almost snap the tree in half. After hitting the tree, Electivire fell face first onto the ground. The silence was lingering as Marnie’s raichu went over to the unconscious Pokemon.



“Chu?” Raichu tilted it’s head sideways while placing a hand on Electivire’s head.



“I guess I don’t need to say it but...Trip is the winner.” Marnie said with a monotone.



“Great job, Serperior!” Trip praised as he returned his Pokemon back to his pokeball.



Hanging his head in defeat, Paul took out his pokeball and returned his Pokemon back at once. After that, he then looked at the pokeball itself and said “We lost because your reaction time was too slow. I’ll deal with you later Electivire.”



“I guess your Electivire was ok,” Trip said sympathetically while crossing his arms. “However, it’s trainer was awful. Polish up your skills, ok?”



As Trip began to walk back into the laboratory, he turned around at the group one more time and smiled.



“Miki, I’ll see you at the battle tower!” he said with determination as he waved and left.



“Sure thing, Tristan!” Miki replied. “I look forward to seeing you there!”.



Clenching his fists tightly, Paul began to run off through the laboratory's back door. He ran quickly out the lab and on to the road that starts Route One. His eyes were close, not caring to open them as he kept on running through the shortened route. ‘How could I have lost? Especially to him. I will not lose to him, ever again!’ The young man kept running until a voice called out to him.



“Paul, wait up!” a familiar voice called out to him followed by the blabbering of what sounded like an electabuzz.



Paul stopped and turned his head slightly to the left, just enough to see who was coming after him. It was Miki and Ellie, the electabuzz, was clinging to her shoulder. However, this time, she has a dark blue boulder she was carrying with her left hand. She was trying her hardest to catch up with him. Paul stood there as he allowed the girl to catch up to him. He was not at all interested in conversing with her, however he wanted to allow her to say what she wanted to say before he left.



“If you got something to say to me, say it!” he snapped.



“Paul, I just wanted to apologize,” she started to say. “I know that I can be a bit of a smart aleck but I didn’t mean to give you a hard time. I came here to give you this.”



She took the blue boulder and began to present it to Paul. He turned around and stared at the rock. This rock was different. It was roundly shaped but it also had a dark blue leaf on the top of it. He took the rock from her hands and further inspected it.



“That’s a fossil. A plume fossil to be exact,” Miki explained. “it was burning a hole in my bag and when I saw how determined you are, I figured that you could make use out of it.”



“So… what is so special about this fossil?” Paul asked as he began to put the fossil in his grey slingback.



“If you take it to this one guy in Accumula Town, he can resurrect it for you,” she happily explained. “There used to be someone who does this in Nacrene City, the gym leader’s assistant or whatnot? Yeah, but they have been gone for sometime. They can resurrect your fossil into a Pokemon.”



‘So this turns into a Pokemon eh?’ Paul thought to himself as he turned his head and looked straight ahead. The warm wind started to pick up as he felt it blowing on his neck. He wiped a little bit of the sweat that was building up on his forehead while brining the front of his purple hair back. ‘Even though she was very annoying and she isn’t really worth my time, I am in a new region and I don’t know where this Accumula Town is. I’ll just have her guide me there.’



“I hate having to ask for help, especially from someone like you,” Paul started to say. “However, I have no choice. Bring me to this Accumula Town.”



“Well… even though I have to get back to battle tower, I have time for a little side trip,” the trainer said with excitement. “First the Pokemon center, then the fossil.”



So with his first battle in the Unova region behind him, Paul heads to his next destination, Accumula Town to resurrect his fossil and then, it is off to his first Unova region gym challenge.

Okay so before I begin I'd like to say that I have watched both the DP and BW anime so yeah, I'll be judging the characters by the ones in the anime.
Chapter 1:

The foreshadowing I felt was simple and straight to the point. I do think this works well since I still have no clue who this character nor what he wants to not fail in this time.

Now onto the later parts.

First, I think you mean "heard" instead of "head" and secondly I'd like to say this introduction is a nice one in my opinion. Aside from the claim of knowing Paul I detect a bit of a free spirited nature that's bold but in a well meaning way.


I do think it was a bit fast that you made it click for Paul and him respond in his head. Like I would have liked some kind of reaction, whether physical or mental, so that it clicks that "he I know this person and I don't care to talk to them" instead of the "familiar" then act like he knows. You understand, like there's a middle area of "where the puzzles click" that is missing.

Also I like the little bit of it being torn down for an arcade. Classic Sinnoh.

Now, I honestly don't see your Paul as an accurate portrayal of his anime self. For example,


Paul isn't the kind of person that'd speak on something like this except if he wanted to (which you put it he doesn't) or he doesn't have a choice. He wouldn't really pay attention to anyone or anything that doesn't interest him or grab his focus enough to actual get a response. I will say I did like his interaction with his Electivire. The dialogue choice of "who gave you permission" as well as getting frustrated at being ignored by his trained mon, definitely screams "Paul" to me due to his "wanting to be in control and collected" nature. I have more issues with your Paul though, but these stem in the next chapter.

Before I do go to that chapter, I wanna point one more thing out.



Some indication or gesture of a change in what she's saying would help. I can gather that she shifts from a counter to actual inspection of him and therefore leading to piecing him to what she saw on the sinnoh league (as coincidental as that is). Perhaps a break in where you describe her change whether mentally or by gesture would make this sentence look less of an abrupt shift and more descriptive.

Chapter 2:

Yeah, while I did like seeing how you introduced Trip, and his reaction being spot on to his character in my opinion, I can't say your Trip is accurate to his other anime portrayal either. Trip wouldn't really be an instigator unless there's something in it for him. He can be a dick yeah, but he never really does that unless someone is annoying him, he has motivation to, disagrees and therefore goes full condescending or is frustrated. Also, Trip wouldn't stoop to a low hit like that, though I can see him speaking his mind he wouldn't be downright rude in that nature unless what I said above was done.




I enjoyed this line. It further paints the joke that is "messing with Paul" and all. I think you Paul's reaction well since he just shrugged it off and started on his way.

Then the parts I have issue with.
To be honest, I don't think Trip nor Paul in that battle were accurate to their character in reaction
and in Paul's case, just downright not how he battles or handles himself in a battle.

Paul doesn't get caught under stress easily as his many battles done with Ash. I do think Trip was better handled with his line at the end and all, though his last comment was a prideful one he wouldn't really rub in at the end of a battle. Trip isn't the bully type, just the prodigy mentality.

Paul, is a seasoned trainer and honestly wouldn't lose his head that quickly into the fight.

Overall, your story is a good start to a degree. Besides my major issues with the handling of Paul and Trip I can say the other characters are fine and have their own personalities. I'll have to wait before I can really say in the whole "memorable" or "non-oneDimensional" aspects till later since after all this is just a start.

I think you have a good leap off and I think the last line, "while I don't think he'd say the first part out loud" was like Paul's annoyed to ask for help and imperative nature. Good luck and I wish you well!

Well in my opinion, Paul wouldn't exactly lose his cool upon being pushed into a corner. I do think the first part of the battle was good, however it namely was the part with his electivire being wrapped that is the part I'm talking about. He'd would at least try getting his mon's attention or try to make a counter, but yeah it could fail since he's facing a mon he's never faced before.

Regarding Trip you handled him in the battle well, just the after part of him rubbing it in Paul's face. Perhaps you could say he grew more arrogant in his 2 years since his journey, but that would need time to flesh out. Overall, the battle itself was fine in my opinion, save for those two main bits.

For Paul, I'd expect him to keep calling out commands, but his mon unable to pull them off. Trip I can see still taunting, but not exactly rub in the face at that last line.

After his Pokemon have been healed, Paul waited outside the Pokemon Center for Miki to join him. He didn’t really care about what she was doing, however he started to get impatient as he heavily sighed in frustration. ‘If she doesn’t get here, I am leaving’ he thought to himself. Five minutes later, a sound of the automatic doors opening could be heard as well as a familiar voice. Paul impatiently turned around and saw that Miki had finally came from the Pokemon Center, smiles and all.

“Alrighty, I sent Ellie to my aunt so now we are ready to go,” she said as she began to walk forward on the sidewalk.

“Well it took you long enough,” Paul coldly commented while following his unwanted companion. “Where are we going anyway?”

“Like I said, we’re gonna resurrect your Pokemon,” she replied as she kept walking. “The dude’s lab is like a hop, skip and a jump away.”

The two of them walked on the sidewalk, being careful not to bump into anyone that was passing by. On the grassy area, was someone who was playing a violin very smoothly while others were sitting on the available benches. Accumula Town had many townhouses which towered over the regular houses. It was a very small and quiet town, however it still managed to be crowded.

“Well, here we are!” Miki exclaimed as she pointed to a flight of stairs leading to what appeared to be a house. “Come on!”

Paul shook his head in annoyance as he followed her up the short flight of stairs. From there, they headed to the front door of the small red and blue house where Miki knocked on the door. They waited a few minutes until the jiggling of the door knob could be heard as the door opened. They were soon both greeted by a tall man with short blonde hair, a blue crescent moon headpiece and a long white jacket covering a striking blue outfit.

“Yo! It’s Dr. Colress!” Miki said as she put her hand on his shoulder. “What’s going on bro?”

“Oh, same old same old,” Colress replied before looking at Paul. “Who’s your buddy?”

“He’s not my buddy,” she corrected him quickly. “He’s someone who I am helping out. His name’s Paul.”

“Well, Paul, it’s nice to meet you,” Colress said as he extended his hand. “I’m Dr. Colress, a scientist.”

However, instead of shaking his hand, Paul bowed in respect before opening his grey slingback and taking out the plume fossil from earlier. “Same to you,” he responded. “I have this plume fossil and I was told that you can resurrect it, am I correct?”

Colress took the fossil from Paul’s hands to further inspect it. It was indeed a real plume fossil: a smooth blue rock with the etching of a maple leaf on the top. He signaled the duo to follow him in as he took the fossil to his desk near the kitchen area. The hallway was rather plain as it didn’t really have any pictures or any artifacts hanging up. No potted plants could be seen either. The living room was also very plain, however, it was adorned with machines and parts.

“Of course, I can resurrect your fossil,” Colress said as he headed into the kitchen and took out a device which resembles a microwave. “With this machine of course!”

Paul looked closely at the device as he rolled his eyes. It didn’t just resemble a microwave, it was a microwave. Except, it had two antennas on the top shaped like lightbulbs. He gave Miki a look of disapproval as he shook his head no.

“So wait,” Paul started to say as he faced Miki. “So you brought me to this weird man’s house, so that he can “resurrect” my Pokemon using a microwave? You really are pathetic…”

Miki leaned over to Paul discreetly “You know blondes and their microwaves,” she whispered while chuckling.

“Well then, are you a scientist?” Colress asked with a smile. “If so, please enlighten me, Dr. Paul…”

“Could you just shut up and resurrect my Pokemon?” Paul asked in an agitated tone. “I’m already wasting my time here.”

Colress nodded his head with a smile as he opened the device door and placed the fossil inside. From there, he connected a tube of what appeared to be pink gas on to the side of the device. He plugged the device on to the kitchen outlet and began to turn on the switch in the front. From there, the restoration device started to buzz as the lights flickered off and on. The buzzing on the machine grew louder and louder and the lights are brighter and bright.

“We are now reaching critical levels!” Colress exclaimed excitedly. “I am brillant!”

After five minutes of activity, the buzzing stopped and the lights stopped flashing. Smoke started to build up in front of the device as it cooled down for a few. Colress slowly opened the door to the device as the smoke cleared drastically. Inside the device stood a colorful bird Pokemon. Its’ head was red and blue and the body was yellow. The tips of the wings had three claws each and it had a loud shriek. Paul’s jaw dropped as he immediately took out his Pokedex from his left pocket and began to scan the Pokemon.

“Archen, the first bird Pokemon,” the voice on the Pokedex started to explain. “It was revived from an ancient fossil. Not able to fly, it lived in treetops and hopped from one branch to another.”

“So… you're telling me that this Archen was the first bird Pokemon to ever exist?” Paul asked while he turned towards Miki.

“Yeah, they’ve been around alright,” she explained. “That’s why people are interested in resurrecting them, to find out more about them. That do you think, Paul? Not bad for your first Unova region Pokemon, right?”

‘Hm, let’s check you out’ he thought as he scanned the archen once again, however using the screen to switch over the Pokedex’s advanced functions. Once on the advanced screen, he selected the “check moves” option.

“Archen knows the following moves,” the Pokedex explained. “dragon pulse, ancientpower, acrobatics, quick guard and aqua tail.”

“Hm, this archen could be useful to me,” Paul said while anaylzing the movepool. “I think I’ll keep it.”

Paul pulled out an empty pokeball from his slingback and pointed it toward the bird Pokemon. Once done that, it was then engulfed by a red light as it went inside the pokeball. He then put the ball inside his jacket pocket and began to exit the house without saying anything. ‘Now that I got my Pokemon, I can leave. I’ve had enough of this city and I’ve had enough of these weird people’ he thought as he made his way out the front door and down the staircase. ‘Now, it is on to my gym battle’.

“Paul, wait!”

The voice of his unwanted companion was following him as he tried to make his way out of town. Paul clenched his fists in annoyance as he stopped dead in his tracks, allowing the girl to catch up to him. However, this time, he sharply turned to her instead of having his back to her.

“What?!” Paul hissed loudly, obviously annoyed at being slowed down.

“Y’know, that was a little rude walking out without saying thank you,” Miki said as she crossed her arms. “But that is old news. I have some stuff to give you on your journey.”

She pulled out a large blue watch from her pocket. However, this watch was different. It had a screen which looked like it was made for video calling. Paul grimaced at the device as Miki placed it around his wrist.

“That is an Xtransceiver,” she explained. “You can call up to four people at a time. You can also play games on it if you are bored. I already programmed some people in your xtransceiver: Jen, Marnie, myself, and some of the local battle clubs.”

“Look, I don’t talk to Jen or Marnie,” Paul snapped as he pulled his wrist away. “And I’m certainly not going to be asking you for anything. So this device is pretty much useless to me.”

“Well, you never know, Paul,” Miki started to explain. “That Jen seems to be ahead of the game so she might be able to help you. I’ll try and help you as well if you needed it. Remember, I am a native of this region while you’re from the boonies…”

‘Boonies’ Paul clenched his fists tightly as he began to shake in anger. Hearing that word come out of her mouth made him infuriated as he growled loudly. Thoughts of his defeat to Trip started to resurface. How his Electivire, who was Paul’s strongest Pokemon, was no match for Trip’s Serperior. How Trip insulted him because he wasn’t as high class as he was. ‘“You see, this is why we don’t like people from the boonies.’ echoed through his mind.

“SHUT UP! Stop trying to act like your friend Trip because it doesn’t make you sound tough!” Paul yelled. “You sound pathetic and you’re an even bigger waste of my time!”

Miki smiled as she looked into Paul’s eyes. She was not at all afraid of his facial expressions or his tone of voice. She was not rattled one bit. Paul unclenched his fists as he proceeded to put both of his hands in his pockets. He closed his eyes and took a couple of deep breaths to calm down. He became less tense and more calm the longer he closed his eyes. ‘How could she be so calm? She seems unaffected by what I said. But still, she shouldn’t say those things around me’ he thought as he opened his eyes.

“Paul, instead getting frustrated with Tristan, I would use that energy in your gym battle,” Miki suggested. “Look, you are right that we do act alike. But I’ve known him since I was a ten year old trainer myself. I started my journey before he did but still, it’s been six years.”

“I understand,” the young man said. “Look, where’s my next gym battle?”

“In Aspertia City,” she replied. “The gym leader there uses normal-type Pokemon. However you will need to go back to Nuvema Town to fly there.”

With a new Pokemon in hand, Paul heads back to Nuvema town, where his first gym battle awaits.

The boat ride to Aspertia City was long as Paul quickly got off the boat and proceeded to head towards the Pokemon Center in full speed. Dusk was starting to set in and he barely had any energy to train his new Pokemon. All he wanted to do was go to sleep for the night. After obtaining his room key from the nurse, he went down the short hallway and into the first room available. After shutting the door behind him, he quickly took the Xtransceiver from his pocket and threw it on the brown nightstand that was located next to a plain looking bed with white sheets.

‘I guess this is it. The real journey starts tomorrow’ he thought as he began to throw his slingback on to the floor along with his outer jacket and undershirt. He then got down on the ground in the plank position and proceeded to do push-ups. For Paul, it was a good way to not only keep him physically strong but to mentally prepare him for whatever came his way. ‘But then again, what am I getting so nervous about? I’ve traveled through Kanto, Johto, Hoenn and my home region and competed in all of their leagues! I already know the process. Just catch strong Pokemon and I will be fine!’.

However, after doing thirty five pushups, Paul stopped himself as he held himself in the plank position. Sweat was dripping down his forehead and onto the floor as his heart began to beat fast. ‘However, I know it won’t be easy. The lifestyle here is a lot different than back in Veilstone, that’s for sure. I wonder, how am I going to survive here?’ he thought as he resumed to do more pushups. While he was doing so, he looked up at the nightstand where he had threw his Xtransceiver. He grimaced at it for a few seconds before looking down at the floor. ‘I guess… every once in a while, I should call that annoying brat. She might be helpful to me when it comes to navigating the city life. However…’

After doing seventy five push ups, Paul quickly got up from the floor and looked up at the ceiling for a while, lost in thought. He thought about his unwanted tour guide and how she said that she worked at the battle tower. He also remember how even her clothes said “battle tower” on them as well. ‘What is this battle tower she speaks of and where can I find it? Maybe… I could grow stronger. However… what if she is a trainer there? She could be useful to me if that were the case. I could stomach her constant smiling and retorts for me being stronger, no doubt!’ Paul then proceeded to crawl into bed and closed his eyes for the night.

~:~

“Now, it’s give it the old slam, back to back!”

Paul panicked as he felt his throat closing up. Those words replayed in his mind as he saw his Electivire’s face become bright blue from the suffocation. The tighter Trip’s Serperior wrapped his foe, the more Paul’s throat closed up from the anxiousness.

“Alright, that’s enough! I think we got the message through. Now throw it back!”

Like a worn out basketball, the grass snake dropped Electivire’s limp body on the floor. Paul could see that his Pokemon wasn’t breathing. Breaking out into a cold sweat, Paul proceeded to run towards his unconscious Pokemon.

“Electivire was ok, but his trainer was awful. Just awful. Go back to the boonies and relearn the basics, will ya?”

Trip’s dark chucking could be heard as Paul grew paler and paler by the minute. He tried shaking Electivire to try to wake him up, however it was no use. His throat completely closed up as he was struggling to breathe himself. He started to black out…

~:~
“Ah!”

Paul quickly woke up from his sleep and sat up on his bed. He was breathing quickly as he was trying to catch his breath. He quickly looked around the room, it was mostly dark with hints of light coming from the outside streetlights and everything was still the same. Except, it was two thirty in the morning. Shaking all thoughts of sleep from his mind, Paul got up from bed and proceeded to reach into his jacket pocket to grab a pokeball. From there, he threw it up in the air and a burst of light came from the ball as Electivire emerged, looking confused and tired.

“I’m sorry Electivire,” Paul said apologetically. “I just couldn’t stop thinking about our battle with Trip.”

The young man walked over to the window and opened the curtains back. Electivire followed behind him as they looked over Aspertia City. The city looked deserted as there were hardly any people walking around. The lights illuminated the streets and it’s many buildings. It was a small town, though Veilstone City was an even smaller town. In the horizon, sat a red building with a sign the read “trainer’s school and gym”. It was a small building with a school feeling hence the brick walls and pointy roof.

“Well, our challenge awaits us,” Paul almost whispered. “Hey, Electivire. I know I said I would “deal with you later” but I have been thinking… that battle was just as a shock to you as it was to me, am I correct?”

Electivire wanted to appear strong as he hated to be seen as weak, however mulling over his trainer’s words, he hung his head in sadness. Paul noticed it as he heard a depressed sigh coming from his Pokemon.

“Yeah, I understand,” Paul said. “You want to beat him, don’t you?”

Electivire nodded his head as he pumped his fists in confidence.

“Me to,” the young man said as he walked back to bed. “If you work harder, I will work harder. We can beat him. I promise you.”

>>><<<

The next morning, Paul stood outside the Pokemon Center, semi confident and ready to tackle on his next gym challenge. He walked a few blocks to get to the trainer’s school. Still nervous from last night, he tried his best to keep his best poker face, caring not to show any emotion. However, the closer the school was, the more Paul began to feel a cold sweat coming on. His heart began to beat faster and faster. ‘Man, I should have trained Archen when I could. However I think it would do OK. It’s got good moves. Electivire has break break and I could always count on him to perform the way I’d want him to…’ he thought as he finally reached the doorway of the school.

Paul took a deep breath as he proceeded to go in. It was a very small hallway filled with young trainers milling about. The classrooms themselves were full and kids were paying close attention to what was being said. Being an experienced trainer, Paul rolled his eyes as he gave a rough smile. He then looked up at the end of the hallway and saw what appeared to be the way to the battlefield. He ran, not caring that he knocked over some younger students on the way. However, Paul noticed someone coming towards him, not looking straight ahead. The two bumped into each other as they both fell to the floor.

“Hm, what a bother,” the other trainer, who looked to be around Paul’s age, said under his breath while getting up. “A trainer who can’t read the ‘don’t run’ signs.”

“You were the one not paying attention,” Paul scowled. “You’re so pathetic.”

This other trainer had long blue hair, a bit similar to Paul’s, and had his white shirt tucked into a pair of black slacks. He was taller than Paul and possibly might be a little bit older than him.

“Where’s the gym leader?” Paul demanded more than asked.

‘You are looking at him,” the gym leader replied. “I’m Cheren, nice to meet you. I’m the Aspertia City gym leader.”

“Well then, I’m Paul and I’m from Veilstone City, “ Paul proceeded to announce. “And I challenge you to a gym battle!”

“Veilstone City? In the Sinnoh reigon? Oh…,” Cheren started to say while letting out a light chuckle. “I’ve had three different trainers from Veilstone City battle me yesterday. The first challenger had an Empoleon and a Dewott, the second challenger brought only her Raichu and the third challenger used only his Infernape. They all won, of course.”

As soon as Cheren mentioned an infernape and that the trainer who used it was male, Paul started to feel nervous again. His heart began to beat faster as he had memories of his Sinnoh league defeat at the hands of a certain friendly trainer and his infernape. ‘Don’t tell me he is also in Unova as well. I do not want to deal with him. He’s not a bad trainer, I just want to put that part of my life behind me’ Paul thought as he shook his head to snap out of it. ‘Again, I’m here so that I could be stronger. Who cares about the other trainers?’

“...and I shall be number four then!” Paul said with confidence.

>>><<<

The gym battle was about to begin as the two opponents stood on opposite sides of the field. Like the battlefield at the laboratory, this battlefield was also a plain dirt field with a pokeball symbol in the middle, however it had no bleachers for anyone to sit. The referee this time was a grown man with a white pokeball sweater and green shorts.

“Welcome to the Aspertia City gym!” the battle judge began to announce. “The battle will be between Cheren the gym leader and Paul the challenger. The battle will be two-on-two and will end when one side is unable to continue. Furthermore only the challenger allowed to substitute their Pokémon. It has been determined that Paul gets the first move. Now begin!”

“Archen, standby for battle!” Paul said as he threw his pokeball in the air.

A burst of light came from the pokeball as Archen appeared from the shadow. With an ear shattering screech, the bird Pokemon assumed a fighting stance.

“Patrat, come on out!” Cheren said as he also threw his pokeball in the air.

That same burst of light came from the gym leader’s pokeball as the figure of a chipmunk appeared. When the light disappeared, there stood a brown makreet like Pokemon with big red eyes. Paul grimaced at the chipmunk as he pulled out his Pokedex to scan it.

“Patrat, the scout Pokemon,” the Pokedex explained. “Extremely cautious, one of them will always be on the lookout, but it won't notice a foe coming from behind.”

“Alright then,” Paul started to command as he put away his Pokedex. “Archen, use dragon pulse!”

Archen started by opening its mouth and breathing out a large blue wave of energy towards the opponent. It did so while letting out a very loud screech that startled the gym leader’s Patrat. Before Cheren could even command the scout Pokemon to even attack, the dragon pulse hit dead on, flinging the patrat and causing it to slide ten feet on the ground.

“Patrat, use tackle now!” Cheren commanded.

“Counter with ancientpower!” Paul also commanded to Archen.

At breakneck speed, the patrat ran towards it’s opponent, ready to execute the perfect tackle attack, however, Paul’s Archen readied its own attack by using its energy to create small rocks around it. It then used its wings to fling the rocks forward, directly hitting Patrat in its tracks as well as hitting the floor. As the dust cleared, the chipmunk Pokemon was lying there, unable to move.

“Patrat is unable to battle!” the referee announced. “Archen is the winner!”

Paul chuckled as he returned Archen back to its pokeball. It felt as if a huge weight was lifted off his shoulders. He was no longer nervous about the battle. ‘Hmph, this battle sure is useless. Getting beat by my inexperienced fossil Pokemon? Heh!’ he thought as he took out his second pokeball.

“Electivire, standby for battle!” Paul said with a smile, throwing his pokeball in the air.

That same burst of light came as Electivire emerged, once again assuming a fighting stance.

“Lilipup, come on out!” the gym leader said as he also threw his second pokeball.

After the bursting light simmered from the ball capsule, the figure of a puppy dog emerged. There appeared a very small dog Pokemon with shaggy fur, growing at Paul’s Electivire. Paul once again took out his Pokedex to scan the Pokemon in question.

“Lilipup, the puppy Pokemon,” the Pokedex explained. “Though it is a very brave Pokémon, it's also smart enough to check its foe's strength and avoid battle.”

“Let’s see just how brave you are,” Paul snickered. “Electivire, brick break!”

“Lilipup, use bite!” Cheren also commanded.

With style and speed, the puppy Pokemon opened its mouth as it ran towards Electivire with sharp fangs, ready to execute a bite attack. However, Electivire was not phased by the small Pokemon’s attempt to attack as it did not move, not one bit. As the lilipup jumped to finish the attack, Electivire proceeded to execute a swift chop. The force of the brick break was so great, it sent the smaller Pokemon flying back and hitting a wall. It then fell off the wall, limp and unable to battle.

“Lilipup is unable to battle!” the referee announced. “Electivire is the winner! Which means the match goes to the challenger!”

“Wow, it must be a Veilstone thing I guess,” Cheren remarked as he walked toward Paul with a badge in hand. “Well, you earned it. I present to you the Basic Badge.”

It was a purple badge with the design that was similar to a spine of a book. Paul took the badge and proceeded to toss it up and down on his left hand.

“The weakest leader I ever fought,” Paul remarked as he began to leave. “This basic badge is stronger than you.”

There's another slip in tenses here, from past to present back to past.

Paul and Miki are, so far, playing well off each other. I like the way they're interacting, and their personalities are so far solid. And Colress's personality seems good so far as well.



It's not a maple leaf, it's one of Archen's feathers. Maple leaves look very different from the shape on the fossil, too.



Once again, you slipped into present tense here. In this case, it should be "which resembled a microwave."



Did you mean "brighter and brighter?"

You really got Colress's personality right! I love it!



Would he react in that way, though? He beat Roark and Byron, so he faced Cranidos and Bastiodon, and he competed in a League where another trainer (Nando) had an Armaldo. I think he would be more used to revived fossils.

I really like the way Paul and Miki converse with each other right after Archen is revived. I hope their interactions can stay this good, because so far I'm really enjoying it.



This line really struck me as being particularly fitting for him. Even after going through the trouble of reviving the fossil he hasn't changed his attitude, and I didn't expect him to.



While I liked their exchange prior to this, I felt initially like Paul lashing out like this might have been a little much. However, when I read further and saw the "how could she be so calm?" part, I realized that he probably deliberately acted that way in an attempt to drive her away. I'm not sure if that was deliberately what you were going for, but it works perfectly for him, I think.



Capitalize both parts of the name "Nuvema Town." I'm still not sure if you really need the narration at the end, but if you want to keep it, it's not a big deal.



An oversight, because this contradicts the ending of the previous chapter - Miki said that he would need to return to Nuvema Town to fly to Aspertia City, not to get a boat. I assume you were trying to follow the anime, in which Ash traveled from Nuvema to Aspertia via boat, so the error is in the previous chapter where you said "fly."



"at full speed."

I really like the idea of Paul doing physical exercise as a way to keep himself focused. I'm not so sure if the number of push-ups he did was a little much for how tired you described him being, but doing a punishing number while extremely tired does seem like something he would put himself through.

I assume you decided to scrap the "Paul has the dream as if he's seeing the battle through Electivire's eyes" idea?



Sometimes, there are situations where you can use a small number of words to convey a larger thought. For example, if you say he's breathing quickly, it can be understood that he is trying to catch his breath and therefore doesn't need to be directly stated.



This would probably sound better if you said "pulled", as in "pulled the curtains back."



You could probably condense these two sentences into something like "He could see a red building on the horizon, one that looked like a school with brick walls and a pointy roof."

Also, I'm not sure if you're implying Paul can read the sign from where he is, which is something that I think would be really unlikely to be possible.

I'm really liking the little conversation between Paul and Electivire. I think Paul would have developed a bit more of a sensitive side after the resolution of his rivalry with Ash, but with the kind of person he is, he logically wouldn't show it very much outside of private settings such as this one.



"will do okay" would probably be better.



This, however, I can't really see Paul doing.

Boy, the formal introduction between Paul and Cheren was awkward, exactly as it should be.



But wouldn't that contradict the fact that Cheren said "three challengers from Veilstone City" for it to be Ash?

I assume you're using the anime design for Aspertia Gym, then, since the game's battlefield does have a couple of benches.



You needed to fix this, because "chipmunk" and "meerkat" aren't really the same thing, and "meerkat" is misspelled.



Not sure "useless" is the word I'd use here, but I'm not sure what I'd replace it with.



A bit of unnecessary repetition here, so try to lessen that a little.

I understand that you wanted to make the battle end quickly, and honestly, if you had reenacted this match in the games, it would likely have gone roughly this way, especially Electivire's part. But at the same time, what happens in the games is not necessarily the best choice when it comes to using a text based medium such as this. That's why I think it's better to learn from the anime when it comes to a style of battles that translates to an appealing experience to read. In that style you can have usually weak Pokemon like Patrat and Lillipup fight in a much more capable fashion. You do seem to get the part of the anime style where you want to paint a vivid picture of how the actual battle itself is playing out, so you have a good start, you just have to work on making that picture one that's more satisfying.

Overall, it wasn't a bad chapter. There are just openings where it could be better, if the battle was longer and the characterizations were fleshed out a bit more.

Afternoon started to set in as Paul and Electivire exited the gym feeling a bit more confident. As they approached the front, they took in a deep breath in and began to head towards their next destination. As they started to walk towards the Pokemon center, Paul felt his Xtransceiver vibrate in his pocket followed by its muffled ringing. He rolled his eyes and sighed heavily as he quickly pulled the device from his pocket to answer it. ‘It’s probably going to be her...’ he thought as he pressed the green button.

“What?” Paul hissed in an annoyed tone.

“Hey, Paul!” Jen’s voice casually said on the other line. “It’s been a while since we left, huh? How many gym badges have you won? I won two of them!”

“It’s really none of your business, you see?” Paul snapped as he was getting ready to hang up the call. “Now what do you want?”

“Hmph, that’s code for ‘zeeeeerooooo. You’d so better get that badge!’” Jen chuckled lightly. “Anyway, I’m calling because Miki wanted us to meet on the lookout in Aspertia City. It is behind the Pokemon Center.”

Paul lowered his eyebrow as he heavily sighed. “On my way…” he said as he hung up.

‘I wonder what she wants…’ he thought as he began to walk to the lookout. However, as he walked, he looked to his side and realized that Electivire was nowhere to be found. Paul growled as he looked behind him and on both sides. After scanning the area, he found his Pokemon near a flight of stairs by the Pokemon Center. However, he wasn’t alone. The same electabuzz from yesterday was seen with him, except one of her bows weren’t tied to her antennas. She looked up at Electivire with a blue ribbon in her hand as she lifted her hand fo him to grab it.

‘That lame-o electabuzz again?’ Paul ran towards the pair as he growled under his breath. At that time, Electivire was trying his best to tie the ribbon on to Ellie’s left antenna, however it came out lopsided compared to the perfectly tied ribbon on the right side. As Paul was running, he heard a high pitched male voice coming in the same direction. When he looked ahead, he saw a young man, who looked around twelve, running towards him with a fire monkey Pokemon.

“Outta my way, outta my way!” the young man yelled before he slammed into Paul.

When they collided, Paul fell on the floor while the other trainer was trying his hardest to stand up. The purple haired man stood up quickly as he growled in anger. He dusted himself off quickly while the other trainer stood up. He was a shorter trainer with spiky green hair and matching shorts and a white t-shirt. His Pokemon came by his side, holding what looked like a messenger bag. Paul took out his Pokedex and scanned the fire monkey.

“Infernape, the Flame Pokemon, and the evolved form of Monferno,” the Pokedex explained. “It uses unique fighting moves with fire on its hands and feet. It will take on any opponent.”

“I’ll thank you and your infernape to stay out of my way,” Paul growled as the other trainer got up on his feet.

“And a hello to you to…” the younger trainer said with an edge. “But it’s no biggie. The name’s Forrest and this is my partner Audrey. We’re from Veilstone City!”

‘So THIS is the trainer with the infernape…’ Paul thought as he chased all thoughts of nervousness from his mind.

“Oh! Is that an electabuzz?” Forrest exclaimed. “Where’s my Pokedex?”

Paul watched as Forrest dug through his bag and pulled out a standard calculator. ‘You have to be kidding me’ Paul thought as he shook his head side to side. The younger trainer proceeded to run towards Ellie and Electivire with the calculator in hand. Ellie looked up at the excited young man and stepped back as her eyes grew bigger in terror. She proceeded to scream as she ran up the steps, tripping along the way.

“Hey, pretty girl,” a familiar voice said as it could be heard rushing down the stairs. “What happened?”

After two tries, Ellie made her way to the top of the first flight of stairs. Paul’s heart sank as he saw none other than his rival, Trip coming down the stairs. However he had another Pokemon at his side. It had a bulky yellow body, two round hands that resemble boxing gloves and it’s head had a tie on top, making it resemble a punching bag. The frightened electabuzz raised her arms up as a signal for Trip to pick her up.

“What’s got you so scared?” Trip asked in a calming voice as he held Ellie in his arms, giving her a kiss on the top of her head. She held on tight while she whimpered and shook in fear. “It’s gonna be okay. I got you. No one’s gonna hurt you...”

“Is that electabuzz yours?” Forrest asked excitedly as he reached the top of the first flight of stairs.

“...maybe…” Trip answered as he grimaced at the younger trainer.

Forrest once again pulled out his small calculator and pointed it at the shaking electabuzz. He pushed many buttons, however, he grew more and more frustrated and nervous as he couldn’t get the device the work as it should. Paul rolled his eyes as he pulled out his own Pokedex and came closer to the edge of the stairs.

“Hey genius, you’re using a calculator!” Paul said as he raised his voice. “Pa-thet-ic.”

“Ah! I knew that!” Forrest said as he frantically got out his real pokedex. “I was just fooling around.”

However, his Pokedex was a lot different than Paul’s. It was a purple device that resembled a handheld system with twin screens and a slide-out scanner to the right.

“Electabuzz, the Electric Pokemon and the evolved form of Elekid, ” a robotic female voice explained. “It windmills its arms to slightly boost its punches. Foes have been known to escape in the meantime.”

While, Forrest scanned the frightened electabuzz, Paul proceeded to use his own Pokedex to scan the mysterious yellow Pokemon that was standing by Trip’s side, waving hello.

“Makuhita, the Guts Pokemon,” the Pokedex explained. “It toughens its body by slamming into thick trees. Many snapped trees can be found near its nest.”

“Now that you know what an electabuzz is, could you please get lost?” Trip asked sternly as he sighed in frustration. “You’re scaring Ellie.”

Paul rolled his eyes as he motioned for his Electivire to follow him. However, as they were about to leave, they saw the rest of the group, running towards him. Jen, Marine with Raichu perched on her shoulder and a taller girl who looked similar to Jen all stopped in front of the steps as they stood beside Paul.

“Guys, I’d like to introduce you to my older sister, Matilda,” Jen said as she pointed to the taller girl next to her as well as a large turtle Pokemon standing next to her. “This is her partner, Torterra.”

“Eh, just call me Millie,” she requested. “No need to be formal.”

Paul lifted up his Pokedex and proceeded to scan the large turtle.

“Torterra, the Continent Pokémon and the evolved form of Grotle,” the Pokedex explained. “Some Pokémon are born on a Torterra's back and spend their entire life there.”

Paul slid his Pokedex in his pocket as he looked more closely at the taller girl. She had medium length brown hair with a brown turtle next tank top and a sand colored skirt. She seemed awfully familiar but the young man couldn’t put his finger on it. ‘I swear I have seen her before…’ he thought as he grimaced at the group.

“Well butter my buns and call me a biscuit, look who’s here!” Millie exclaimed as she approached Paul. “I reckon you’re that guy that done beat me in the Sinnoh league two years ago! Paul right?”

‘Ah that’s where I remember her from!’ Paul thought as he finally remembered who she was. Millie was a trainer he had battled with in the first round of the Sinnoh league. He had swept her team three to nothing and won his match with flying colors. ‘However, how could she be so happy about that? Shouldn’t she be bitter? Some people are so confusing!”.

“....are you still holding on to that lame-o torterra?” Paul remarked as he smirked. “You should have known better from our match two years ago.”

“Sure am, Paul. We may have lost but we have a tight bond. Right Torrie?” Millie asked while she looked around.

However, she noticed that Torrie was nowhere to be found. “Y’know, Torrie was here a minute ago. So I have no idea where that green rascal could have run off to!” Millie said as she grew worried.

Paul noticed on the top of the first set of stairs, Trip still stood there, holding Ellie and his arms while Makuhita stood beside him. However, he also noticed Millie’s torterra trying to climb its way up the stairs. From the way it kept trying to get Trip’s Pokemon’s attention, it seemed as if it wanted to play with them. However, just like with Forrest, Ellie shook and whimpered in fear at the sight of the giant turtle trying to get near her.

“Get lost!” Trip yelled as he attempted to shove Torrie away using his foot.

“Hey, you can’t do that to my torterra!” Millie shouted as she pulled out a pokéball from her pocket. “Return, partner!”

A bright red light came from her pokéball as the turtle was returned back to his ball. Trip rolled his eyes while coming down the stairs with both Pokemon in tow. He made quiet shush noises to calm an almost crying electabuzz as he reached the bottom of the steps.

“Look, these aren't the Sinnoh region boonies,” Trip asserted as fustration was mounting in his voice. “Some of us do not appreciate people or Pokemon getting in our faces. So keep your stupid torterra on a leash and we won’t have any problems okay?”

“...and you,” the frustrated young man said as he pointed to Forrest. “Try picking up a current pokedex next time so you don’t like more like a hick than you already are.”

Paul clenched his fists in anger while he was shaking. ‘I wish I could just smack this guy..’ he thought as he looked over at Electivire, who was also clenching his fists as well. Paul placed his left hand on Electivire’s shoulder as a way of comforting him while they saw their rival walk past them. However, Trip stopped as he glanced over at Paul and Electivire before beginning to head on his way.

“I recommend putting a muzzle on your electivire” he gruffly under his breath.

Electivire growled louder as he tried to approach the young man, not really caring that Ellie was in his arms. However, Paul placed his arm in front of him and shook his head.

“You shut up!” Paul yelled. “We will not lose to you again, you’ll see!”

“Look Paul, I don’t have the time nor the energy to argue with a low class trainer like yourself,” Trip said gruffly as he began to leave. “I’m done with this hick convention. Goodbye.”

With that, Trip headed towards the pier where he proceeded to head home for the afternoon. Paul returned Electivire to his pokéball while he also began to walk away. He didn’t care about what the others were going to do, he just wanted out of that situation. ‘This was a huge waste of time’ he thought as he headed towards Route 19. ‘Nonetheless, I will find the next town on my own.’

Good scene setting at the beginning. Gives a nice picture of what's going on, which at the beginning of the chapter is important.



Both words in this should be capitalized, Pokemon Center. Also you can get the accented E in "Pokémon" by holding down Alt, pressing 0233 and releasing Alt, but not all computers have it.

Overall, so far your wording is quite solid, though I don't think "lame-o" is quite in character for Paul.



You would be better off just taking out "seen" and saying "was with him."

I'm curious to see what will set Forrest apart as his own character, given that his entrance is similar to the way Barry acts. Also, Bay is right, it is a little odd that Paul would scan Infernape (and Torterra, even though I haven't gotten to Torterra's appearance yet) given that he owned the latter and ultimately lost to Ash due to the former.



In lines like this, you need to write "too," not "to." Also, I'm not really sure what "said with an edge" means. You probably want to use clearer language there.



Maybe I'm forgetting something, but how does Paul know for sure that this Infernape trainer is the one he's been hearing about? Was it mentioned that the trainer was from Veilstone before? Forgive me if I'm overlooking something here.

I like that Forrest tried to scan Ellie, though I'm assuming that he hasn't seen an Electabuzz despite them being in Sinnoh.

Hm. So far, Forrest's character seems to be a combination of traits from Barry and Cameron, given the calculator gag. I want to see how he develops as a character.

I feel like Ellie's reaction to Forrest is a little exaggerated. I get - and I like - that she's a Pokemon who isn't comfortable with people. It's a different approach and has a lot of potential. But to have her scream and trip down stairs multiple times feels like a bit much. Also, it's hard to visualize Trip picking up Electabuzz - it's too big.



A tense error here - "that resembled boxing gloves" or "round hands resembling boxing gloves" is right. You also want "its" instead of "it's."



Is this describing Paul's Pokedex or Forrest's?



No need for a comma here.



Marnie, right?

I like Millie's energy. She really stands out immediately upon her entrance, which is something that you want to happen. As they say, you only get one chance to make a first impression, so when a fictional character makes a memorable first appearance, that's a good thing.

Yeah, I have to be honest, "lame-o" really isn't something I can see Paul saying.

I do, however, find myself incredibly entertained by Torrie. I can clearly see her trying to climb up the stairs, and it's a great visual. Trip trying to push something of Torterra's size away with just his foot, that's amusing too.



I feel like this line is a little... too much like something Paul would be saying instead of Trip. The meaning of the words isn't bad, I just think he would say them differently. Perhaps take out the more direct insults (particularly "stupid") and write as something like "Some of us don't appreciate people or Pokemon getting in our faces, and I don't want your Torterra in mine."

Also, you can use contractions to reduce the wordiness of dialogue a little. "Some of us do not" sounds better as "some of us don't."

Overall, that was a good chapter. I think my favorite part was Millie and Torrie, because they really stand out. So far the story side of things is the stronger side. There is still work to be done on the editing and grammar/language, but you're improving. I know you took my advice and started seeking beta readers. That's a big step and I think you'll make more progress going forward.